7 Reasons

Tag: Volcano

  • 7 Reasons That The Ash Cloud Is Just Taking The Piss Now

    7 Reasons That The Ash Cloud Is Just Taking The Piss Now

    A cartoon drawing of a black cloud

    1.  Time. The eruption of Eyjafjallajökull was on the 14th of April and news of the eruption emerged three days later, when newsreaders had finally mastered saying “Eyjafjallajökull”.  It’s now the 12th of May, so that’s almost a month that the cloud’s been menacing Europe for.  A month is a long time:  It’s a long time in politics; it’s a long time in sport; it’s a long time in Tipperary, and it’s a bloody long time for a cloud of ash to be hanging around, cocking the whole of Europe up.  Enough!

     

    The route of the Iceland volcanic (volcano) ash cloud plotted on a map of Europe
    The Route Taken By The Ash Cloud

    2.  Movement. The cloud is just floating about, apparently at random.  Its course is seemingly unaffected by the weather and meteorologists can’t predict where it will go to next.  I’ve plotted the cloud’s movement over the last few weeks and here’s the result.  Just look at it! It’s a doodle.  I might as well have commissioned a two year old boy to draw it with a wax crayon, but I didn’t.  I did it properly, using Photoshop.  The cloud’s making me look like an idiot.  And I’m not even married to it.

    3.  Light. The cloud – when it is between the ground and the sun – apparently blocks out some sunlight.  I’m terrified it’s going to turn up near me.  I live in Yorkshire and can’t afford to see any less sun; I can already light up a room just by removing my clothes.  If I were any paler I’d be a hazard to aircraft – assuming there were any flying, that is.  It’s bound to turn up here sooner or later, it’s already been everywhere else.  Even Lancashire.

    4.  Not Dissipating. Three weeks ago, after the cloud passed over the North-West of England, my friend Roger found an ashy residue on his car.  We would logically assume that debris from the cloud was dropped on many cars (and on other things), not just his.  But the cloud hasn’t shrunk, which means that it’s either capable of self-regeneration, or it’s persecuting Roger.  Either way, that’s bad form.

    5.  Portugal. It’s not just Roger that the cloud’s persecuting.  It’s Portugal.  I have friends who were stuck there on holiday for an extra week until, finally, the cloud went off to Scotland and they were able to fly back.  Another friend was due to fly out to Lisbon this week, but the cloud has decided to go back to Portugal, so he can’t.  I don’t know why the cloud is tormenting the Portugese – the French have probably already surrendered to it – but it does seem a little unfair.  Perhaps it tasted a glass of Mateus Rose and it’s holding a grudge.

    6.  The News Agenda. The cloud’s keeping important stories out of the news.  I’ve only just found out that there was some sort of election and that we’ve got a new government.  Who knew?

    7.  Air. I’m beginning to suspect that the cloud is sentient – after all, it couldn’t have caused any more chaos if it were conducting a meticulously planned campaign.  I’m also beginning to worry that it’s evil.  Think about it, the last person that tried to hamper British air efficacy and caused large-scale movement of people around Europe by land was Hitler.  We need to act now!

    The Ash Cloud Menacing Britain

  • 7 Reasons 7 Reasons Are Making A Film About The Ash Breathing Volcano

    7 Reasons 7 Reasons Are Making A Film About The Ash Breathing Volcano

    Let's Go Home, Oh Bugger We Can't

    1.  The Plot Bit. Think Love Actually meets Planes, Trains & Automobiles (without the planes) meets The Day After Tomorrow. Various people stranded in various places have to find various methods of getting back to the UK for various of reasons. It’ll be a romcom/thriller.

    2.  The Product Placement Bit. The 7 Reasons team isn’t stupid. We know that slipping in a few products will boost our coffers. That is why Ash’s entire back catalogue will be on display in the majority of scenes. Ashes To Ashes will be shown on all TV screens. Unless it’s in a hotel room where the occupant may choose between Ashes To Ashes, The History Of The Ashes or The Arthur Ash Story.

    3.  The Cast Bit. All the usual suspects will be there. Hugh Grant. Colin Firth. Emma Thompson. Rowan Atkinson. We’ll find them something to do. We’ll also bring in Colin Farrell to liven up proceedings. He’ll be monk. Though a monk who has escaped from his monastery after being accused of sneaking into the local nunnery of an evening and having his evil way with a couple of habits. The head monk is after him. So is the head nun. The nun isn’t wearing anything. This is not a 3D film.

    4.  The Political Bit. Hugh Grant will be the leader of the opposition. He has just been in Washington DC (with Gary Barlow) meeting the President – who will be played by either Morgan Freeman or Denzel Washington. It really depends who is cheaper. They won’t have a speaking part. Hugh Grant then needs to get home to vote in the election and then pick up the keys to Downing Street from it’s former occupant. Who will be played by Eddie Izzard. His wife will be Carole Smilie.

    5.  The Romance Bit. Colin Firth is a writer – probably working on something Shakespearean – he has been on a writer’s holiday in Spain and now needs to get back to London because he also has a part time job in Waterstones. He misses out on hiring the last available car in Barcelona so jumps up and down a bit on the pavement and looks angry. A Spanish girl pulls up in her hire car and – in broken English – asks Mr Firth if he would like a lift to London. Col says yes and before you know it they are on a road trip together. We’re not quite sure how the drive will go but they’ll be having a good old snog come Dover. Of that you can be sure.

    6.  The Sad Bit. Bill Nighy is the owner of a Formula 1 team. He’s stuck in Shanghai after the Chinese Grand Prix. While he’s waiting for a plane in the Chinese version of Starbucks, he gets a phone call from his daughter. Bill’s wife has been in an accident and is in a critical condition in hospital. Bill starts walking home. At the end of the film he is still walking. This is our ticket to a sequel.

    7.  The ‘He Should Be Dead. This Is So Unrealistic’ Bit. Dennis Quaid is a volcanic expert. He was inside the volcano when it started to erupt. The Icelandic name for the volcano is Eyjafjallajökul, but for arguments sake we’ll call it Volcano Mrs Robinson. So Dennis was inside Volcano Mrs Robinson when she started blowing off. Dennis’ English wife thinks he’s dead. But as this is a film, she is the only one. He’s blatantly alive. Everyone knows it. We wouldn’t have cast Dennis Quaid just to kill him off in the first five minutes. If we wanted to do that we’d have cast Ben Affleck. Anyway, Dennis makes it back to his wife in one piece. Bar a touch of sunburn/frost-bite.