Tag: Visit

Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Should Stay In The UK This Summer

Stop right there. Hold up. Before you dive into countless hours trawling the internet for that oversubscribed package holiday in Spain, that Tuscan villa or that Greek island hopping journey you’ve already done a gazillion times, just stop and look around you.

Take a deep breath.

Relax.

Now imagine yourself flapping around packing before heading to the airport at death o’clock in the morning to catch some horrendously coloured low-cost airway out of Luton. (Jeez, Luton!).

Not good is it? But the good news is you don’t need to put yourself through this.

Here are 7 reasons why you should stay in the UK this summer.

1. It’s a going be a humdinger summer. It is brass monkeys out there at the moment, make no mistake. The UK is currently in the throes of a second, and even more devastatingly brutal winter. Livestock have been buried under huge snow drifts in Northern Ireland, villages have been smothered up in Cumbria and the Siberian wind is biting at the Eastern Coast like a pack of wild dogs.

But remember March last year? It was scorchio. Then look what happened to summer: it was pish. That’s what happens, you see, in terms of the cyclic nature of the elements. So the fact that March has been, like, the nippiest ever, is a good omen for summer, and God damn it, the British people are due a long, heady summer like those of old. Believe people, believe!

Believe and it will come.

2. Festival season. There is no country in the world that has as rich a tradition as the UK when it comes to rolling around in open fields, slurping and spilling cider, enjoying mass singalongs to clodhopper-sporting bands and indulging in types of mischief you’re probably old enough to know better than to indulge in.

The UK music festival season kicks off in May and rolls through the different corners of the country from the Isle of Wight (Bestival, the Isle of Wight festival), to Dorset (the Larmer Tree Festival, End of the Road), to Suffolk (Latitude), to Kinross-shire (T in the Park) to literally hundreds of others including more niche events meeting the demand-smorgasbord of culture and music lovers across this glorious nation of ours.

There’s bound to be something out there for you, whether your tastes involve Celtic rock, house and techno, folk or skiffle. So roll out that tent from the loft, pack up a cold box with beers and head down to the festival of your choice for a much-needed extended weekend of hedonism.

3. Holiday parks. These massively underrated types of holiday option have also been appropriated by music festivals for their own ends over recent years. Think All Tomorrow’s Parties in Camber Sands. Think chaos.

But Holiday Parks are actually a brilliant option for a family break in the UK which will keep every member of your family or friendship group entertained. With their wide open spaces of lovely greenery, often by the sea, swimming pools stacked with slides and wave pools, ace sports facilities and a slew of cracking entertainment by night, parks like these can really take you by surprise.

All this, too, without having to even try and track them down in a place you don’t really know or have to clumsily ask for in a foreign tongue. Takes the pressure of a little, doesn’t it? And who needs pressure on holidays?

Not me, I tell you. Not me.

4. No planes. This one is dead simple. You stay on this island for your holibobs, you don’t need to faff around at airports or put your life in the hands of someone driving you through the air in some pinned-together plates of tin. OK, so maybe I exaggerate the last point a little but so many people just hate to fly. Imagine how much more relaxing a short car or train journey to your holiday location will be. Sooooo much more relaxing.

Saves you time, stress and effort. Those things are darn important when holidays are involved.

5. Countryside. As Danny Boyle’s game-changing Olympic Opening Ceremony richly demonstrated, the British countryside is kinda awesome. We all probably do not appreciate it as much as we should do. It is really quite a special thing.

The changing landscapes across the country are staggering, from the rolling green hills of Somerset, to the huge skies and wetlands of Norfolk, to the scarlet and purple heather of the North Yorkshire moors, we are inundated with glorious places to explore.

But have you ever really tried it? Really tried to get to know another corner of the country you profess to deeply love? If not, this summer could well be the time.

6. British people. Brits. They’re like you’re family in many ways. In fact, they probably are your family, too, in most cases. But our country can boast huge levels of cultural diversity, something which is probably attributable in no small way to our island status. Brits are famous abroad for their sense of humour and you will find laughter the common currency in the far corners of our island.

On top of this, the fascinating range of local regional identities with their own foibles, accents, foodstuffs and interests is a source of interest to visitors from all the corners of the globe. So why not you too?

7. Quirky festivals and traditions. The diversity of regional identities goes hand in hand with a huge array of quirky regional customs too. Many regions have their own festivals that are unique to that area only. We’re not talking about Summer Isle and The Wickerman here although, that said, there is The Wickerman Festival in July.

No, we’re talking instead about things like ‘Sheep Day’. Yes, that’s right – ‘Sheep Day.’ This happens once a summer in the Yorkshire market town of Skipton when the countryside is brought right into the town. Baaa–rilliant, yes? Ahem.

Alternatively, you could try the annual Scarecrow Festival in Torteval on Guernsey which happens every July, or maybe the Great Wrekin Barrel Race which takes place in Wellington in June. Teams compete to carry barrels of beer to the top of this major Shropshire hill, you can watch AND drink beer. Cool.

There are hundreds of festivals to choose from, they just require research. Do you know what the traditional festival and customs are for your little corner of the country? No? Then go thither and seek them out!

Author Bio: Matthew Pink is a writer who will not be using his passport this year.

April 10, 2013
Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Need To Visit Paris

Paris is one of the most frequently trodden cities in the world. It is crawling with tourists, cameras, queues and a whole host of ‘must see’ sights that are famous in every continent. There’s good reason behind this. The place is swimming in formative world history and some of the most influential art man has ever created. There is stunning design on every single corner and, during a rare quiet moment, it could easily be the turn of the twentieth century. Not much in the way of architecture has changed since then.

And yet, if you’ve actually been to Paris you’ll understand just how quickly tourism loses its appeal. It’s less City of Love, more City of Shove because, as with the best things in this life, it has been inundated with culture vultures. Prepare to be shepherded around galleries by a continuous flow of art junkies desperate to catch a glimpse of the (disappointingly small) Mona Lisa. You’ll be harassed, too, by men who hide behind bunches of glittery, plastic Eifel Tower key rings and scatter when the police arrive.

If you’re happy to follow the tourist trail, Paris will provide. However, this city has a very different, sometimes macabre, side to it, one that many people overlook because they’re too busy flicking through a guide book. After generating so much artistic output, Paris is bound to have its hidden curiosities and, if you want to immerse yourself in the crux of things, then delve a little deeper. With that in mind, here is 7 Reasons To Visit Paris:

1. Shakespeare and Company – 37 Rue Bûcherie, 75005 Paris
This bookshop has kept its bohemian ideals, despite the changing face of modern France. It has welcomed some 50,000 writers through its doors, to work and stay, including Henry Miller and Allen Ginsberg. At Shakespeare and Company, a motto remains, ‘Be Not Inhospitable to Strangers, Lest They Be Angels in Disguise.’ Therefore, if you’re new to Paris and want to feel at home, you’re sure of a warm reception here. Perhaps they’ll even dust off the bottle of absinthe for you.

2. L’Ossuaire Municipal (The Catacombs) – 1 Place Denfert-Rochereau, 75014 Paris
The best way to avoid the crowded streets is to get beneath them and hang out with folk who can’t cause a ruckus, the dead. A crypt houses the remains of some 6 million people whilst the rest of the Catacombs compromise of a 180 mile network of underground tunnels that were used by rebels during the French Resistance. These days, they’re home to illegal parties and walking tours, though the atmosphere is still dense with history. The walls are daubed with street art dating back to the eighteenth century and, as an added bonus, you won’t need to check the weather in Paris. Ultimately, if you’re trying to avoid conforming to travelling conventions, you can’t get more underground than this…

3. Place de la Madeleine’s Secret Public Toilet – 75008 (follow the winding stairway leading down from the courtyard to the right of the church)
The oldest and most beautiful loo in the entire city. As strange as it sounds, the Place de la Madeleine public toilet is absolutely worth a visit if you’re into the art nouveau movement, not to mention the fact it’s pretty much a secret. It’s the kind of thing you only know about if you’re a local, so you can feel like a true Parisian as you relieve yourself in style. With thick mahogany doors and intricate mosaic, it’s like an artist’s impression of how toilets should be. After all, doesn’t your derriere deserve the best?

4. Pere Lachaise cemetery – 16 Rue du Repos, 75020 Paris
Continuing the morbid theme, take in the sunny sights at one of the world’s most prolific cemeteries. Here, big name libertines enjoy their final resting place alongside Hollywood actresses and confessional poets. From humble tombstones to grand chapels, Pere Lachaise is marvelled at for the quality of its sculpture above all else. Visit the graves of Sarah Bernhardt, Edith Piaf and Jim Morrison – whose memorial is under guard due to copious fan graffiti. If that wasn’t enough, Oscar Wilde’s tomb has been encased in glass because of stone erosion. It has literally been kissed too many times.

5. Musée Fragonard d’Alfort – 7 Avenue Gén de Gaulle, 94700 Maisons-Alfort, Paris
Based in the suburbs of Paris, this museum is definitely worth a visit if you’re the type who enjoys crypts, cemeteries and secret toilets. Housed under its roof is a vast collection of anatomical oddities, from mutated animals to ‘the hall of curiosities.’ Although the website cares to reiterate that it is ‘not a gallery of monsters,’ some of the subjects protected behind the glass can cause the faint hearted to squirm. In essence, however, it’s a fantastic collection detailing the history of scientific research.

6. Les Frigos – 19 Rue des Frigos, 75013, Paris
If you want to get off the beaten path in Paris and taste a bit of the arts, go to a warehouse called Les Frigos. Since the 1980s a huge number of artists have squatted in this large building on the banks of the Seine. Owned by SCNF, France’s railway, the building has become synonymous with art and rebellious spirit. After years of trying to expel its tenants, the mairie of Paris bought the building to insure that the artists could stay and create. You can check out the infamous warehouse for yourself during its open house – jazz music, artists expos, and dancing are all on tap.

7. Les Puces de Saint-Ouen (The Fleas) – Port de Montreuil, Paris
Known as the Fleas, Les Puces dates back over two centuries, when rag-and-bone men scoured through the rubbish of Paris to sell on. They were called ‘crocheteurs’ or ‘pickers’. The enterprising traders set up a flea market with stalls in this area, and today it’s become one of Paris’ well-known flea markets. Take the métro to Porte de Clignancourt on Line 4 and follow the crowds towards the large concrete overpass. If you are looking for antiques, don’t waste too much time looking through the clothing, African objects and household goods on streets along the way. The market and neighborhood is very colourful and you will love the diversity of personalities, stall keepers and products for sale!

May 14, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Laos Is The Place For Lovers

If your lover gets a bit annoying, at least you can gaze into the eyes of another

1. It’s Out Of The Ordinary. For couples looking for a destination slightly out of the ordinary, a place to get their married life off to the right start and keep it on track, a Laos honeymoon can hardly be bettered. The whole country is intriguing, mystical and different, offering something for lovers that will create everlasting memories.

2. You Can Feel The Timeless Essence Of South East Asia. Laos is surrounded by neighbouring countries that have embraced consumerism and seen their cityscapes and cultural heritage completely transformed, but in Laos you get to experience the timelessness of South East Asia in a pristine condition. This is a landlocked country, a sort of real-life Shangri-La. Without beaches, it’s true, but with many other compensatory attributes. After all, beaches are not difficult to find, but the riches of Laos are rare indeed.

3. Peaceful City Life… In Asia, Really? Vientiane is the capital, although you wouldn’t think so when you experience its sleepy peacefulness – a world away in all senses from the great capitals of Western Europe with their rush and bustle. In many respects, Vientiane encapsulates the Laos ethos of laid-back agrarianism which many find so refreshing. The people here aren’t too concerned about finding their place in the economic sun and are content to continue as their forebears did without what they consider to be unnecessary distractions.

4. You Get To See Real Monks – And I Don’t Mean The Kung-Fu Kind. For real charm and a slightly more interesting urban environment just head for Luang Prabang, the premier city of Laos and the most popular one with visitors here. The tone of Luang Prabang is set if you rise at dawn and look down into the main street, where monks slowly and silently file down to the old part of town, begging for alms with small silver bowls. But it’s not really seen as begging, more a case of keeping the religious machinery nicely oiled so that the monks’ meditations and prayers will help keep the world spinning and keep the romantic love flowing.

5. You Can See A UNESCO World Heritage Site. The whole of Luang Prabang is a UNESCO World Heritage site, so the many picturesque Buddhist temples and beautifully embellished palaces are safely protected from the curse of the developers who have blighted most other major towns and cities in the region. The acres of mosaic walls and filigree gold stenciling are in no danger of becoming packing aggregate in high rise office blocks, and will hopefully continue to delight us for many centuries to come.

6. There Is Peace And Harmony (I Forgot That Even Existed). It’s actually the spiritual ambiance, tangible throughout the whole of Laos and manifested in its many religious buildings and ancient ceremonial customs that makes the country so unique. The sense of harmony and reconciliation – despite its troubled recent history – work perfectly in keeping with the ideals and hopes of a honeymooning couple.

7. Everyone Is Chilled And Smiles, It’s Just A Perfect Place For Romance. The Laos people are unhurried and friendly, always smiling and even in relative poverty unflappably cheerful, an example to us all. One of the delights of a honeymoon here must surely be to sit at a table overlooking the lazy Mekong River with the locals, a glass of chilled white wine in one hand and your partner’s in the other. The river winds through Vientiane before wandering off untroubled and without any hurry through scattered fields and rural communities as it has since time immemorial, and indeed time itself seems to stop in its tracks here and allow a few precious moments of tranquility.

Author Bio: David Elliott is a freelance writer who loves to travel, especially in Europe and Turkey. He’s spent most of his adult life in a state of restless excitement but recently decided to settle in North London. He gets away whenever he can to immerse himself in foreign cultures and lap up the history of great cities.

March 2, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Should Visit Turkey

Turkey is enjoying a growing reputation as a favourite tourist destination for people from all over the world. The brochure will tell you that this is because the resorts are first class, the beaches are clean and the cities are fun places to be. All true of course, but why else should you visit Turkey – reasons you will not see in the latest tour company brochure?

1. Buy Some Cheap Tat. Do you have a few birthdays coming up that means you will have to fork out for expensive presents you just know the recipient will only moan about? If yes, head to Turkey. The markets there are huge and full to the brim with exotic presents such as flawless jewellery, the finest carpets and silks. Move swiftly pass these items, though, and pick up some genuinely appalling counterfeit t-shirts from ‘Nikey’ and ‘Addidass’ for about 75 pence each. No one will notice the difference. Probably.

2. Smoke A Few Years Off Your Life. Anyone else a bit fed up of the anti-smoking brigade? Even non-smokers sometimes agree that the restrictions placed on smokers are a bit harsh. But if you want to puff away where you want or in a place where it is actually encouraged, head to a Turkish shisha bar. These are a smoker’s paradise and a week spent in these bars should knock a few years off your life. What better way to stick it to the man?

3. Burn The Pastiness Away. It is not an exact science, but – on the whole – women love the sight of pasty skin, burnt to a crisp and starting to peel. In order to get this look, it is important to spend a good few weeks in the sun with scant respect for its power. With temperatures reaching the mid-thirties in costal resorts, Turkey Holidays are ideal for perfecting this look. You’ll get a nice, healthy, red glow if nothing else.

4. Kebab Heaven. When at home it can be difficult to find an excuse to buy a kebab. The greasy and fat heavy late-night snack is the ultimate accompaniment to beer and is scientifically proven to make you feel 100% better instantly. So where better to visit than the country that invented it? A trip to a kebab house is a genuine cultural experience. Not bad, eh?

5. Walk Around In A Fluffy White Robe. You may not be aware, but Turkish baths originated in Turkey. And, what do you think of when imagining public baths? Yes, that’s right. White fluffy robes. Now, you might not actually get a big robe to wear when you visit, but it is worth the trip just to see if you do or not. If you don’t, just chill and generally be a bit lazy.

6. Meet Up With Fellow Countrymen. The point of going abroad is to experience life as it is at home. Just in a warmer climate. If this is an approach you take to holidays, you’ll love Turkey. There are more British in Marmaris then there are in Manchester. So it is well worth flying thousands of miles to experience this phenomenon. After all, why integrate with the locals when you could have a beer with Pistol Pete from Bristol?

7. Buy A Fez. The Fez, made famous by Tommy Cooper and no one else, is an item of clothing worn on the head, commonly referred to as a hat. Wearing such a garment instantly makes you hilarious and is a truly unique piece of comedy that no one else has ever attempted to recreate when on cheap holidays abroad to Turkey. For added laughs and respect from your fellow travellers, wear the Fez at every opportunity. And that includes the flight home.

These are just seven reasons to visit Turkey. But there are literally hundreds. If you can think of some more, let us know!

Written by Ricky Durrance for Beat the Brochure.

February 2, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Visit India

Today we welcome to the 7 Reasons sofa James Cave. A man who needs little introduction… if you know him. The chances are though that you probably don’t. So let me tell you about him. He’s a man. And he’s called James. Right, over to him.

A local gets in the way of the archery tournament at Thaipusam Festival

Book cheap flights to India, a land where anything goes. Here are seven weird reasons to inspire your visit:

1. Fortune Favours The Brave. The Thaipusam Festival takes place in temples across Tamil Nadu during the Tamil month of Thai (January/February) on the full moon. It involves devoted Hindus taking extraordinary measures – piercing body parts with alarmingly sharp objects and walking across burning coals in order to be cleansed of past misdeeds. Beating drums, bugles and chanting help to help create a frenzied atmosphere. It’s a hair raising spectacle but not for the faint hearted.

2. A Deadly Dining Experience. The New Lucky Restaurant, Ahmadabad, India. Death might be a part of life but now it’s a part of lunch. This eatery has gained notoriety not only for its cuisine but the 22 cement coffins dotted between the tables and chairs. The milky tea and butter buns are to die for!

3. Toilet Humour Required. We spend a lot of time on the toilet so why not take home some ideas for a new throne by paying a visit to The Sulabh International Toilet Museum in New Delhi. It’s a museum dedicated to the toilet where you can view a rare collection of toilets and other toilet paraphernalia dating from 2,500BC to present day.

4. Ghost Busting – India Style. The Indians are a superstitious lot. But who doesn’t love a good ghost story? To see thousands of real life ghouls cleansed and exorcised by witchdoctors, the ‘bhooton ka mela’ or ‘fair of the ghosts’ is held in the village of Malajpur in Madhya Pradesh in February. It’s an frantic, otherworldly event – the only one of its kind in India. Spooky.

5. Spice Up Your Travels. To prove that the Kama Sutra originated in India, the Khajuraho Monuments in Madya Pradesh makes for an eye opening experience. Explicit erotic art and sexual carvings abound here. What exactly were the creators thinking?

6. Rats Rule. Animal fanatic or a bit strange? Prove your love by paying a visit to this strange place of worship in Deshnoke, Rajastan. The Karni Mata Temple is where rats, yes rats, are worshipped as a tribute to the rat goddess, Karni Mata. Home to some 20,000 rats, they scuttle and scurry across marble floors while people eat, pray and pay their respects.

7. Loose Yourself In The Moment. Infamous trance parties take place on Anjuna beach, Goa between Christmas and New Year when the full moon shines. People watching is a must as such an event attracts the freakish, weird and the wonderful from all corners of the earth. Revellers loose themselves in big beats and psychedelia on this hypnotic night.

Convinced? Flights to India go from most of the world’s major airports. Just a few hours packed into a sardine can and you could be looking at historic porn, losing yourself in a trance party or letting loose at the International Toilet Museum in New Delhi.

August 13, 2011
7 Reasons to Buy a Popemobile

It’s the last day of the papal visit to the United Kingdom and, somewhat to my surprise, I’ve been inspired by it. I used to believe that the bicycle was the correct vehicle for the urban environment, or that a tank would be practical, but I now realise that I’ve been a fool. The correct vehicle for the urban environment is, in fact, a popemobile. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Performance. A popemobile might outwardly appear a little too sedate for the urban environment. You might wonder how your popemobile will keep pace with modern traffic. But it will. Because the popemobile isn’t the top-heavy, lumbering vehicle that it appears to be. The popemobile that we’ve seen in the UK recently has a top speed of 160mph, and a 0-60 time of six seconds (never let it be said that we don’t do research here). Why they haven’t demonstrated this by spinning the wheels and performing doughnuts to delight the assembled crowds, I don’t know (unless they think that the smoking tyres might signify the election of a new pontiff). But the popemobile is faster than you think. And it’s also bullet-proof, which is handy if you live in Nottingham. Or near a Wetherspoons.

2. Running Costs. Now you might imagine that your popemobile will be expensive to run. And you’re right, it will be. But you can offset that cost by moonlighting as a taxi driver. You’ll make a fortune. Consider it for a moment. Imagine that you’re having a great evening out, but the time has come to return home. You might be a girl with impractical shoes, or married to a girl with impractical shoes and you’ll need to call a taxi. Or you can choose the new premium option, the popemobile taxi. Who wouldn’t pay through the nose to ride home in the popemobile? I’d be dialling MCMXIVIII to order a Vaticab like a shot.

3. View. Finding somewhere to park is one of the trickiest aspects of urban driving. Ever seen a pope struggling to find a parking space? Of course not, just look at the visibility they get in the back. You’ll be able to find a space easily. And laugh at balding people at the same time.

4. Income. The back of the popemobile is, essentially, a large glass jar. Now traditionally, in fairgrounds and confectioners, people fill large glass jars with sweets and charge customers money to guess how many are in there. And you can do that with your popemobile. You can’t just fill it with any sweet, obviously. You’ll need something (ahem) appoperiate. Werther’s Original?. You can charge people to guess how many are in there, and your vehicle will pay for itself really quickly. And you’ll meet lots of men in comfortable knitwear, which is..er…well. There must be a plus side to that somewhere.

5. Visibility. Ever lost your bland silver box of a car in the car park? Of course you have. I once spent almost an hour searching for a Volkswagen Passat I’d parked at B & Q. But with a popemobile that problem will disappear. A popemobile is visible from quite a distance. Even when there isn’t a pope in it.

6. Self-Sufficiency. We’re all looking for ways to stretch our budgets further these days, and everyone’s come over a bit Tom and Barbara from The Good Life recently. In fact, there probably hasn’t been a time since the second world war when people are growing so many of their own fruit and vegetables. In the urban environment that most of us live in though, there isn’t much space to do this. But look at the back of the popemobile. It’s glazed. You can use it as a greenhouse when you’re not cruising in it. And it’s bulletproof. So no one can off your cucumbers with an uzi. It’s an all-round win.

7. Resale Value. It’s unlikely that you’ll tire of your popemobile, but if you should, remember this. Second hand car dealers often try to attribute religious credentials to the former owners of the vehicles they’re trying to sell. “It was owned by a nun”, or “it was used by a vicar to travel around his small country parish” are oft-heard pieces of sales-patter. But imagine that you’re selling a vehicle that’s been owned by the pope? “One papal owner”? You’ll make a fortune.

September 20, 2010
7 Reasons This Poster Frustrates Me So

1. It’s Quicker By Rail. I’m sure it was, 75 years ago. Sadly, given the fact that my last foray on a train took a good deal longer than it took Neil Armstrong to get to the moon, I would suggest times have changed. And not for the better. It’s frustrating that this poster would now have to say, ‘It’s Quicker By Rail (Unless You Meet A Cow)’.

2. It Oozes Frenchness. This isn’t my usual anti-France and all things French rant, in fact, it’s made me think of Grace Kelly. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, unless you happen to be writing this in front of your girlfriend. Now, I’ll be the first to acknowledge that Grace Kelly isn’t French – or at least a close second behind her – but in the film To Catch A Thief, she did spend an awful lot of time poncing around with Cary Grant on the French Riviera. And frustratingly, this picture reminds me of that poncing. And if there are two things I can’t stand, it’s poncing and the French. Together.

3. The Woman. While the man looks like he’s a man, the woman looks like a statue. It’s disappointing for those of us who take female equality so seriously. You would never find 7 Reasons being so vindictive. That’s why, at all times, 50% of us are strictly male lesbians.

4. Visit Scarborough. It looks quite nice in the poster. If I had been alive back in 1927, I may have got on the train. Unfortunately, having found a photo of its current state and transposed it over the poster, I can see that it hasn’t really changed much. Which is why I now have little option but to pay the £108.40 and take the 5 hour 40 minute journey (plus cows).

5. Chivalry. I am naïve. I believe it when the older generation say, ‘it wasn’t like this in my day’. They are usually talking about manners. Or sex. But that was the wrong club at the wrong time, so really it’s just manners. People used to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, though not necessarily at the same time, and men with walking sticks would most definitely offer them to women with bad backs. Sadly, though this poster indicates that in fact man couldn’t care less. Which means the older generation have lied to me. Either that or this woman is in fact a statue.

6. It’s Joe. This man is Joe Scarborough. He’s the host of Morning Joe on MSNBC. In a past life he was also a politician. The only reason I know this is because I found numerous pictures of him while searching for a photo for Reason 4. Rather frustratingly, forever more, I will hold this useless piece of information about Joe Scarborough in my mind. No doubt at the expense of some fascinating fact about sausages.

7. The Man. He reminds me of Piers Morgan. And I’m not sure why. Which means it’s doubly frustrating. And as doubly frustrating things tend to do, they will no doubt occupy my mind for the rest of the day. Which in turn, of course, means I will be dreaming about Piers bloody Morgan tonight. Thank you BBC News Magazine. Not what I call a public service.

August 10, 2010
7 Reasons Whitstable Is A Bit Strange

I don’t know. Maybe I caught the place on a bad day, but my goodness, there are some strange people there. I mean really, really strange.

1. The Conversations. “Have you heard from your friends in Iceland?” “Oh, well not since the last time.”

2. The Stall Owners. “Would you like a picnic?” As chat-up lines go, this is quite forward. No introductions. Just straight in there, “Would you like a picnic?” I replied no, at which point the stall owner said, “Peppermint! Why did I say picnic?” She then stared at me. For far too long.

3. The Fish & Chip Shop Queue. Apparently, Whitstable adheres to the philosophy that states, ‘if you see a queue, get in it’. That would explain why I spent ten minutes standing behind two people who had absolutely no intention of buying fish. Or chips. Or even one of those small wooden forks. Idiots.

4. The Weird Family. A mother who screams when attacked by fake wasps and chucks drink down her top. A son who runs slower than he walks. Another son who gets in a strop and starts throwing stones towards his family. A father who sits down and bends the wooden bench. A youngest son who keeps going on about seeing a King Charles Spaniel. And when I say he keeps going on about it, I mean on and on and on and on. And on. Just shut up already! It’s a dog. Not a bloody Tyrannosaurus Rex.

5. The Dogs. There are millions of them. And not a single one gave me a whiff out of courtesy. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I wanted a dog to give me a whiff, it’s just that they usually do. As a rule, dogs do not like me. And because of this rule they usually attack me. What is wrong with Whitstable’s dogs?

6. The Mens. I don’t want to spoil anyone’s breakfast here, but Whitstable, it would appear, has the worst designed urinal in the world. And yes, urinal. Singular. Just one. Hidden round the corner from the entrance. That of course means any unsuspecting visitor would automatically assume there were a whole raft of urinals inside. And so in they wander. Only to be confronted by an old fella being held by an old fella.

7. The Holiday-Makers. You know when Daniel Craig walked out of the water in Casino Royale and 65% of the female population went a bit weak at the knees? Well, every single holiday-maker in Whitstable seems to think they are Daniel Craig. And as a result I felt weak in the stomach.

August 9, 2010
7 Reasons You Should Never Go To Wimbledon With Me

The following is based on a true story. Sadly.

It Looks Like Rain

1. Rain. That’s what you’ll see when you wake up. Loads of it. ‘Bloody typical,’ you will say, ‘every day at Wimbledon has been hot and sunny this year. Except today. When the roads are flooding’. You’ll then have to decide what clothes to wear. Which is never an easy thing to do. Skirt or trousers. Shoes or flip-flops. Bra or no bra. Okay, the last one was me. And I went bra-less. Once decided, we’ll then make our way to the station where we find the…

2. Car Park is packed. Not a space to be seen. We’ll leave the station car park and I will make you drive to all the places in the village that require permits to park. You don’t have a permit. I shall then helpfully ask if you’d ‘just like to go home’. You don’t. You have taken a days holiday for this. You suggest we go to another station where car parking exists. I agree. But on the way, we quickly check our car park of choice again. I step up to the plate and spy a space. You have to circumnavigate a bus and do manoeuvres that make a Rubik cube look simple, but you get in there. Sadly, by the time we have disembarked via the sunroof* we have…

3. Missed The Train. We have thirty minutes until the next one, but don’t think you are going to be getting bored because now you are going to use your female charms** and get the nice man at the ticket kiosk to find us the cheapest route to London. He needs to take into account that we have one Network Railcard that comes into use at 10am. It is now 9:15am. The train leaves at 9:36am. It’s a problem that makes him wish he had a Maths GCSE. He succeeds though and the rest of the journey to Wimbledon goes without hiccup. Well, actually, it turns out to be very pleasant indeed. I teach you how to do a suduko and you teach me that I shouldn’t make comments about pictures of women in bikinis. Sadly this is where it goes horribly wrong again. Once inside the All England Club, we will discover that we are too late to get on Court 12 where we would have been able to watch Laura Robson and then Monsour Bahrami and Henri Laconte. Disappointed, I will try and cheer you up by buying you a…

4. Hot Dog. Though it had another fancy name that I can no longer remember. But it was a hot dog. A sausage in a roll. That’s a hot dog. Unless it’s a sausage roll. But this wasn’t. It was a hot dog. And I’ve just bought you one. And I’ve bought myself one. We shall walk away towards the ketchup. Here, I shall ask you where my hot dog is. You say you don’t know. I’ve left it behind haven’t I? Yes, I have. I walk back to the hot dog vendor and as casual as it is possible to say, I say, ‘I seem to have forgotten my hot dog’. I feel a bit stupid. You feel a bit stupid about being at Wimbledon with someone so stupid. The sun has come out though, so we go off to…

5. Court 5. Here I shall select the seats furthest away from the action. Thankfully, you have a bit more common sense than I do, so after we’ve seen the British Junior – Oliver Golding – win, we move to a better location. Here we watch another British Junior – Eleanor Dean – win. Then comes the match we came to this court to see. Greg Rusedski and Todd Martin against Jonas Bjorkman and Tood Woodbridge. Greg Rusedski injures his quad and at 5-0 in the first set, the match is over. I am beginning to think that there is going to be a 7 Reasons piece in this. You are beginning to think you should never have come to Wimbledon with me. Later, you advance towards jazz music and the champagne bar. I follow you with my…

6. Tea and Bourbon Biscuits. I don’t get hints. You realise I don’t get hints – either that or I am not prepared to pay £117 for Champagne when I have – just two hours previously – splashed out £3.30 on a pathetically small ice cream for you. We leave. Ninety-minutes later we are back in the…

7. Car Park. There are only four cars left, but, unsurprisingly, given that I am with you, your car is still boxed in. You climb over the bonnet and in through the sunroof and I direct you through a 27-point turn to get out of the space. You are now in touching distance of home. Nothing else can possibly go wrong.***

*Might be a slight exaggeration, but you definitely do not get out of your door.

**This won’t work if you’re a man.

***Until I start singing ‘I’m Coming Out’ by Diana Ross. All because you told me Spain and Portugal were coming out after half-time.

June 30, 2010