Tag: ties

7 Reasons Not To Make Your Own

Yesterday Marc hit the mother lode and in his excitement urged us all to make our own. Being the type of person that does exactly as Marc says, I set out, full of the joys of a rainy spring, and immersed myself in an afternoon of crafting. The results, unfortunately, were not quite what Marc had advertised. Let’s have a look at what went wrong.

1. The Winning Waistcoat And Sequin-Trimmed Belt. “Want to dress like Charlie Sheen?” Marc asked. “Of course I do!” I replied. It was quite an intricate design and not being a professional needle-worker I felt a prick for a good two hours. However, I got the job done, and proud of my new item I slipped it on and went for a walk around the roughest part of the South East. Kent. The locals were hardly going to mess with someone with Tigerblood were they? Well, yes. Yes, they were. It was said that this product was “so fabulous people would literally point at you.”. Erm, no. I got a lot of middle fingers pointing skywards and the one person who I thought was pointing at me was actually punching me in the face. I give this product a 7 Reasons rating of: caution.

2. The Tie Hanger. “A stylish and practical gift for Father’s Day?” Yes, please! The Austin Reed vouchers are wearing rather thin on originality these days so I am always happy to receive new ideas. The tie hanger seemed right up my street. My Dad likes ties. And it was this ‘like’ that caused disaster. Call me stupid but I thought this tie hanger was for all my father’s ties. As a result I attached the hanger to the wall and then added the 216 ties to it. Then the wall fell down. I give this product a 7 Reasons rating of: caution.

3. The Wig Stand. I don’t know any bald men. I know even fewer bald women. So when I was crafting this stand the one thought that kept crossing my mind was, “who on earth am I going to give this to?” And then, just as I was adding the pink eyebrows, it struck me. Yes! I met a bald bloke on Saturday night! At Andy’s 30th Chimenea Party! I couldn’t remember his name, but we had talked about rugby and I remembered he said he was a prop forward for Aylesford. So yesterday evening I got on my skateboard and headed down to the club. I suspect I’ll be walking with this limp for quite a while. I shall of course update you when I have managed to remove the other pink eyebrow. I give this product a 7 Reasons rating of: caution.

4. The Gift Ribbon Flowers. A genius idea. I am ashamed to admit that I haven’t bought Claire flowers for a good few months now.* However, I lacked one necessary ingredient to make the gift ribbon flowers. Ribbon. Long gone are the days when I had a ribbon printer. “What can I cut up into ribbon-like strips?” I wondered as I stood in front of Claire’s wardrobe. Two hours, one trip to Zara and the best part of £80 later, I replaced the garment I had hacked to pieces. I give this product a 7 Reasons rating of: caution.

5. The Trendy Ties. “Is your wardrobe a little drab?” Yes! One hour, one trip to Reiss and the best part of £150 later, I replaced the garment I had hacked to pieces in Claire’s wardrobe. I give this product a 7 Reasons rating of: caution.

6. Tat. Now, this confused me. Despite reading the instructions and staring at the accompanying visual for thirty minutes, I was still none the wiser. While I understood I was supposed to ‘learn to tat’, I had no idea what tatting was. Quite frankly it may as well have said ‘learn to wickytrickyjicky’. Eventually I just tied a bit of string around my finger and gave myself a pat on the back. I give this product a 7 Reasons rating of: caution (bloody pointless).

7. The Bearded Puppets. I don’t have any children, but given that I often have nightmares about shaved lambs and Judy Murray, anything was worth a try to change the routine. So I made them. Two bearded puppets. Last night’s dream? Judy Murray with a beard. Riding a disembodied lamb’s head. Thanks Marc. I give this product a 7 Reasons rating of: extreme caution.

*Reminder. Now you’ve finished writing this, go and buy Claire some flowers.**

**I can’t now, I’ve got work to do.***

***Okay, do it tomorrow.****

****Good plan.

June 17, 2011
7 Reasons To Make Your Own

Readers of 7 Reasons, something very, very, exciting has happened. I’m a big fan of the craft boom that’s going on at the moment and see the trend for knitting, sewing and making your own stuff as a very good thing indeed. As a father, I’m much happier knowing that my child is playing with toys that we made him at home, rather than playing with mass-manufactured plastic ones that are cheaply-priced as a result of the exploitation of cheap labour. It’s sometimes hard to find patterns and ideas for things to make though, but today I hit the mother lode (courtesy of a craft time-capsule from my mother-in-law’s loft). I’m sure you’ll agree that every single one of these items is a reason to make your own. Let’s go!

1. The Winning Waistcoat And Sequin-Trimmed Belt. Want to dress like Charlie Sheen? Of course you do. You can do so in this stylish Winning waistcoat and matching belt. He’s probably wearing one right now (in his head). Now you can too. You’ll look so fabulous that people will literally point at you with envy.

2. The Tie Hanger. Want to make a stylish and practical present for Father’s Day?* Why not make this attractive tie hanger (that in no way resembles a stick, some string and a few drawing pins)? Your father will love it, and on seeing it, his ties will probably be so delighted that they’ll try to hang themselves. Everyone’s a winner with this sumptuous and sophisticated storage solution.

3. The Wig Stand. Do you have a wig that needs somewhere to live? Perhaps your uncle wears a toupee during the day but likes to be bald when he’s asleep. Maybe your sister wears a wig. You could make this lovely wig stand either for yourself or as a gift for others. Who wouldn’t be thrilled to sit around the tree with the family on Christmas morning and unwrap this lovely new home for their pretend hair? It’s well-equipped too, as there’s even a space to store a pair of eyebrows.

4. The Gift Ribbon Flowers. Have you got too much ribbon lying around the house and want to woo a lady with flowers?** Why not make her a gorgeous bouquet from your surplus gift ribbon? She’ll be wowed by your creativity, dazzled by your originality and bowled-over by your frugality. This man’s a keeper, she’ll think as you sit down to dine at the chip shop. After all, real flowers don’t grow on trees, you know.

5. The Trendy Ties. Are you feeling a little unfashionable? Is your wardrobe a little drab? Do you want to catch the attention of the new girl in the typing pool? Does your boss consistently overlook you for promotion? Why not make yourself an attractive new tie? You’ll get everyone’s attention with one of these and you’ll also be trendy. Perhaps they’ll even give you a new nickname. Awesome-Tie-Man or some such, I shouldn’t wonder.

6. Tat. Feeling a little left out? Can’t sew, knit, or pin string to a stick? Well, don’t worry, there is a practical craft that you can do. You can…

…learn to tat. Even if you’re not very good at it, you can achieve the look of a professional by simply applying an entire lip-stick and gazing haughtily at some string in your hand. You may not be able to tat, but you’ll look like one.

7. The Bearded Puppets. Do your children sleep at night? Are you scared that they’re going to grow up to be well-adjusted? Is there not enough terror in their lives? You can fix that right now by making them a pair of these bearded disembodied-head puppets. You can be sure that this is one present that they’ll never forget, no matter how hard they try. Or how much they spend on psychiatry.

Okay, that’s it. I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed writing a 7 Reasons post more. I’ll leave you now with one picture that I’m not going to mock, because this young chap’s probably a chief constable now. Or my bank manager.

*Note to self: Hide this post from own wife and child.

**Lazy cultural stereotyping suggests that this seems unlikely.

June 16, 2011
007 Reasons to be a Bond Villain

James Bond: Suave, sophisticated, international jet-setting spy and cultural icon. Every boy wants to grow up to be like Bond. But isn’t he just a tad dull? Wouldn’t it be much more fun to be a Bond villain? Of course it would. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Clothes. James Bond dresses well. He usually wears smart-casual gear when he isn’t working, or a bespoke suit if he is. As nice as they are though, they’re still the clothes of an office worker. Bond villains can wear whatever they want – they’re the boss. Usually they eschew convention and go for a light-brown suit with a Nero-collar, a light-brown Mao-suit or a light-brown safari-suit. No one makes fun of them though, they might end up as anaconda food. Bond villains can wear whatever they like without criticism, even light-brown.

2. Pets. Bond villains often have pets. Usually it’s a cat, which is good, or sometimes it’s a shark, which is probably higher maintenance and less fun to stroke, but still good. James Bond has never had a pet, which is a bit weird.

3. Girls. Most Bond girls are employed by the villain, not by Bond. So if you’re the villain, you can choose whichever Bond girls you like. We have chosen Jennifer Aniston.

Caress O’Hare regarded the tall, well dressed, unconscious newcomer as he was dragged into the sumptuous office. Her emotions a heady cocktail of disdain and desire, she leaned provocatively against the front of the large desk, her miniskirt displaying her lustrous, shapely legs to full advantage. The henchmen tied the man – still attired in formal evening wear, two small drops of blood visible on the front of his white shirt – to a chair facing the desk. The burlier of the henchmen took a soda syphon from atop a filing cabinet and began to spray water into the man’s face. Bond came-to suddenly, shaking his head to dispel the liquid and exhaling to clear it from his mouth, sending a fine spray in her direction. “You bitch!” he exclaimed angrily as the water cleared from his eyes. The henchman replaced the soda syphon. From the seat behind the desk a deep, clear voice spoke.

“You have meddled enough in our affairs, Mr Bond, and have now outlived your usefulness. However, we are gentlemen. We won’t kill you if you give us seven reasons that we should spare your life.”

“Seven!” Bond was incredulous. “You inhuman monster! That’s impossible!”

As the henchmen dragged Bond away to the tank of killer cows, Caress O’Hare turned to her employer, the man with the golden bicycle. “He was a fine figure of a man, you never let me have any fun.”

“Never mind that feeble-minded establishment thug,” he said brusquely, “I have decided that we shall be married.”

“That’s wonderful,” she replied, touching her hair, “I’ve always wanted to be more than Friends.”

4. Accommodation. Bond lives in a poky London flat and, when traveling, stays at a series of dull hotels. Bond villains get to live in bunkers where people in colourful boiler suits drive Mini Mokes, in futuristic houses that rise up from the sea, in space, in a volcano, in mansions, in a house full of ladies on top of a mountain, Bond villains dwell in all sorts of cool places. These homes are stacked to the rafters with shiny stuff and amazing gadgets. The best gadget in Bond’s flat is probably his electric tie-rack.

5. Exertion. Bond has to work out a lot. There’s always some sort of emergency that requires him to show off his chest or chase things. Bond villains, on the other hand, don’t have to strip to the waist for spurious reasons and they never, ever run. They sometimes even get a monorail that transports them around their own house. Bond villains can relax and eat a pie whenever they like. Bond villains can be lazy.

6. Imagination. Bond likes to keep his killing simple, preferring to shoot people or push them off cliffs. Bond villains take a far more creative approach to inflicting death on people. Their elaborate schemes involve lasers, computers, submarines, spaceships, missiles, satellites and command centres chock-full of machines that beep, flash, whir and spin. Bond is a dullard; Bond villains are imaginative.

7. Lines. James Bond can tell you his name, own name, and how he would like his vodka-martini prepared. That’s about as eloquent as he gets. Bond villains, in contrast, spout pithy lines of intelligence, malevolence and wit. Their lines are far superior to the semi-articulate drivel spouted by Bond.

Blofeld: I had heard that you were dead.
Bond: This is my second life.
Blofeld: You only live twice, Mr. Bond.

December 15, 2009
7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Wear A Tie

1. It causes a rash. When you’re the cool kid at your school, people expect you to do things differently, to be a bit rebellious. To subvert convention, you wear your black, orange and electric-blue striped polyester school tie with the thin end at the front. This means that you have to tuck the thick end into your shirt. You spend four long years at secondary school with a painful rash on your chest. You are cool though.

2. It hampers nudism. If a nudist dons a tie, he ceases to become a nudist, he becomes a weirdo.

3. It is disrespectful to Alan Hansen. Have you noticed something about football-pundits? They all wear shirts without ties. All of them, on every channel. They stopped wearing them at some point in the ‘90s. We believe that this was a football-pundit gesture of solidarity with Alan Hansen whose tie, along with his shoelaces, had been confiscated for his own safety when his “You’ll never win anything with kids” statement was disproved so emphatically and publicly. This is also why they never show the pundits’ shoes.

4. It can be dangerous. Ties can be dangerous, especially around the office.

Having been lured into a bedroom in an Austrian palace by a scantily-clad Jennifer Aniston, James Bond has been hit over the back of the head and knocked unconscious by her unseen accomplice. When he regains consciousness he finds himself in a nondescript office. He is bound at the wrists and ankles. He is seated and flanked by two burly henchmen. He faces the bad guy who sits behind a desk on top of which Bond can see a red telephone, a large rubber-band ball and a paper shredder. The henchmen take hold of him under the arms, pull him to his feet, and drag him to the front of the desk. One of the henchmen inserts the end of Bond’s tie into the top of the paper shredder which springs to life instantly, slowly dragging Bond inexorably toward it. Shocked and intimidated, his tie tightening, with beads of sweat visible on his brow, Bond enquires, “Do you expect me to talk, Bronzethumb?” The bad guy replies, “No Mr Bond, I expect you to tie-die.”

5. It causes moustaches. Hairy-chested lotharios can’t wear ties. They need to wear shirts – preferably yellow – with several buttons undone to expose their hairy-chests and large gold medallions. If lotharios were to wear ties, babes wouldn’t be able to ogle their chest hair and their gold pendants that depict an almost life-sized St. Christopher. Consequently, they would bed fewer chicks and would be forced to grow a Tom Selleck style moustache to demonstrate their rampant manliness instead.

6. It is phallic. It looks a bit like your penis. It points to your penis. Do you really want to draw attention to your penis?

7. It is unhygienic. Ties catch food. Everyone drops food on their tie. If they weren’t wearing ties the food would land on their shirts, which would be good. Then they could just put the shirt in the washing machine and get a clean one out of the wardrobe. Ties are usually made of silk and are always dry clean only, so people don’t remove them after a jam spill, they just rub at them for a bit with a damp cloth until the stain is less visible. The food stain eventually gathers bacteria and people go through life wearing bacteria-harbouring ties. What do people do before they arrive at the meeting? They straighten their ties. What do people do when they arrive at the meeting? They all shake hands. What do people do after the meeting? They become ill and die a hideous tie-bacteria inflicted death. What they don’t do at any point is take their ties to the dry-cleaners. Nobody does. Ever. You don’t either.

November 23, 2009