Tag: television

Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Buy A Television Bed

TV beds are a relatively new innovation that combines two of our favourite things; bed and television. With that in mind, it’s quite surprising that no one thought of moulding the two things together before.

Although more popular in the United States, they are an innovation that is quickly taking the bedrooms of the UK by gentle storm. So, without further rambling, here are seven reasons to buy a television bed!

1. Toe Saving Technology! One curse of the allotted television/bed separation is the cold, lost and search mission that you must undertake every night in order to turn the television off. Never before have so many toes fallen stubbed to misplaced bedroom items and unforeseen furniture. Now, thanks to tv beds from the TV Beds Centre, you can simply turn the television off via a soft button next to the bed wherein the television folds sleekly away into the recesses of your bed.

2. No more intrusive wires! Thanks to shelves found within the sides of many television beds, you can now store your Xbox, Playstation and DVD player underneath the bed and out of sight as you never again have to fiddle with all the medusa-esque wires that dominate so many bedrooms.

3. Two For The Price Of One. If you’re moving house, the great news is that you don’t have to worry about buying a television and a bed to go in your room as some television beds come with a television already installed! Not a bad thing to no longer worry about!

4. No more nails! That’s exactly right, if you’re like any regular man who simply cannot fathom the easiest of DIY procedures then you no longer have to worry about IKEA cupboards or television stands.

5. A Man’s ~~Home~~ Bed Is His Castle. If you want to be really lazy, then you will take pride in knowing that you can endure a whole film marathon (LOTR anyone?) without ever having to get out of bed. Anyone who enjoys a good hangover will know that lying in bed all day watching mind numbing programmes is truly the best way to recover.

6. The iBed? If you think the television beds of today are great, then just think about what they shall be like tomorrow. Maybe then they shall look after all our needs (microwave tv bed?) so that we never have to move anywhere on a weekend. The lifestyle in Wall-E never looked that bad anyway…

7. Build a base. We’ve all done it; thanks to the large foot and head boards, they would make perfect walls for you to drape your bedding over. Even if you find that you are a tad old to do that these days, television beds do come in child sizes too!

September 24, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Ashton Kutcher Can’t Replace Charlie Sheen On Two And A Half Men

There are many TV shows I have never watched. Emmerdale, Eldorado, Enterprise, Entourage, Everybody Hates Chris, Everybody Loves Raymond, Everybody Is Agnostic Towards 7 Reasons. And others not beginning with E. Including Two And A Half Men. That begins with a T. As a result it would make no sense whatsoever for me to comment on the show. Alina Cambridge on the other hand, well she knows her stuff. That’s why she is on the sofa today stating the case for Ashton Kutcher not to be the new Charlie Sheen. Here’s Alina:

So I am sure we have all heard the news by now. That ’70s Show hippie star Ashton Kutcher is taking on Charlie Sheen’s role on Two And A Half Men. Those are going to be some pretty big shoes to fill, and I’m not sure Ashton is up to the task. Sure they both have a lot in common when it comes to brainpower, but how does their drug use match up? They are both a couple of A-Lister’s, with hot girlfriends, and a whole lot of fans. So lets take a look at the 7 reasons Ashton Kutcher just can’t compete with Charlie Sheen.

1. Girlfriends. When it comes down to girlfriends, Charlie has the edge. Charlie Sheen has had a number of girlfriends. Currently he has two. Two young porn star girlfriends, and from the looks of it they don’t appear to be jealous or middle aged. On top of that he has had some of the most beautiful women in Hollywood, and he typically doesn’t go for women in there 40s like Ashton. Which is hard to do when you’re a celebrity. Because I am sure a celebrity status gives you no leverage when approaching women. Although I can’t really blame him, I thought Bruce Willis was really cool when he was married to Demi Moore. I was about 12 years old at the time. I can remember thinking how much I wanted to become famous and take care of his kids. I guess it made me stop thinking that Ashton is gay, so he’s definitely “winning” in that aspect.

2. Drug Use. Now I am not one to advocate drug use, but Charlie Sheen sure makes me laugh when he is bangin’ down 7-gram rocks. Hence I am always laughing. What’s more interesting then watching a celebrity go on a 7-day binge and living to tell the story. While Ashton is punk’ing the public with fake police officers and fabricated stories, Charlie is writing checks to hookers and getting caught. Charlie has defeated rehab a number of times, relapsing every time. Ashton can’t match up to those numbers; rehab would turn him into a church boy. Definitely not what Two And A Half Men needs. We’ve seen Ashton smoke a little grass on That ’70s Show, I’m pretty sure weed is just a filler for Charlie’s joints. Chalk this one up to Charlie.

3. Family. Charlie Sheen has a family of celebrities to back him up. Martin Sheen has some great films, classics at that. We all loved Emilio Estevez in The Mighty Ducks, and in Demi Moore (Yes they dated). Ha, take that Ashton. Who knows Charlie Sheen may have even put the moves on her once or twice. Regardless, Sheen has a pretty kick ass family. As for Ashton, I think I heard he has a retarded twin brother. So he has that going for him. Next topic.

4. Endorsements. Ashton may just take this one. He has a pretty successful string of camera commercials. Also lets not forget that first Pizza Hut commercial that launched his pathetic career. Charlie hasn’t really had many endorsements come his way lately, and I’m surprised that Trojan hasn’t bought into Charlie’s act. Then I realized he probably doesn’t wear condoms. However, Sheen has taken up a new business venture as a partner in a line of electronic cigarettes. The “NicoSheen” product will feature the actor’s signature smirk on packages of disposable E-cigarettes and related products. Can’t wait to get my hands on that!

5. Celebrity. Ashton was the first to get to 1,000,000 Twitter followers, but Charlie was the fastest to 1,000,000 Twitter followers. Charlie did what Ashton did, only faster, probably because of the cocaine. So, they both have a large number of fans but could Ashton ever pull off a tour around the US in the same way Charlie did? I don’t think so. Charlie sold out venues just so people can hear him spew his nonsense all over the stage. You know you have star power when you can do that.

6. Religion. Ashton Kutcher is a self-described fiscal conservative and social liberal. He is a student of Kabbalah, whatever that is. His co-star, Natalie Portman, stated in 2011 that Kutcher “has taught me more about Judaism than I think I have ever learned from anyone else.” On the contrary, Sheen is a self-destructive fiscal renegade and social degenerate. He is a student of Keith Richards. Natalie Portman had this to say about Sheen, “Charlie has taught me more about reverse cowgirl, than anyone I’ve ever met.” Winning.

7. Lifestyle. Charlie Sheen was very lucky to land the part for Two And A Half Men. I’m confident he thought he was in a reality show and just didn’t know the truth. Only after finding out there were scripts did Charlie get the boot. He got paid to act exactly like he does in real life. Two and a Half Men could possibly turn into the worst show ever if Ashton treats the show like his real life. No one wants to see poor old Ashton being dominated by the Alpha Female that is Demi Moore. It will ruin the dreams of all men who tune into the show. Only time will tell to see who gets better TV reviews.

June 11, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons That Christmas ALWAYS Gets Me in the End

It’s Saturday, and the 7 Reasons team have abandoned the sofa in order to rush, blinking out into the sunlight like pit-ponies escaping from their daily labour. But, fear not, for the sofa is in safe hands. Guest hosting this week is the lovely Liz Gregory – that’s right, her of Things to do in Manchester fame – who despite being from Manchester, isn’t going to prattle on about Coronation Street, she’s going to talk about Christmas. Now settle down, children, and she’ll begin.

Every year it’s the same. I roll my eyes at those poor souls who have done all their present shopping by August; I can tut as cynically as anyone at the Christmas songs repeated on an endless, hideous loop in certain shops from the beginning of November. I am a grown woman with a full time job, and the shameless commercial enterprise that is Christmas has no place in my busy and important lifestyle. But by December, I’m hooked, brimming with festive excitement. Again. Here’s why….

1. The weather. Surely even the most hardened and wizened of souls must admit that nothing looks more enticingly festive than a fresh coating of snow, with the power to wipe out an ugly urban landscape of wheelie bins and cat poo, and replace it with pristine perfection. And I say this despite the fact that I am seemingly the only teacher in the UK not to have received a single snow day in the recent bad weather – I have had to go to work and perform the job for which I am paid EVERY SINGLE DAY.

2. Rosy-cheeked children. No, not the bratty whiny ones running amok in the supermarket trying to grab everything in sight – they are the ones to avoid if you’re trying to be misty-eyed and non-cynical about Christmas. I mean the angelic ones who assemble at Christmas lights switch-ons, warbling traditional festive songs and obligingly going “ooohhh” when the lights are turned on.

3. The Christmas Radio Times. I take enormous comfort in the fact that even though we live in a high-tech, culturally diverse society where we celebrate individuality and cutting-edge modernity, at least fifty percent of the UK will have spent the last week leafing through the Christmas Radio Times, armed with a marker pen, drawing wonky circles around the plethora of bad television they wish to watch this Yuletide. The fact that you will only actually watch three of these programmes is entirely besides the point – the pleasure lies in the selection, not the viewing.

4. Alcohol. One of the overwhelming perks of December is that it becomes socially acceptable to consume alcohol at virtually any time of day without anyone raising their eyebrows and calling you an alky. So that means sherry at elevenses is fine, as is bucks fizz at breakfast and Amaretto Sours at lunch. I do not, of course, live like this at other times of the year.

5. Decorations. Yes, Nigella is annoying, but I do admire the fact that her house (or her studio-masquerading-as-house, one is never quite sure) appears to be permanently bedecked with fairy lights. I am not brave enough to try to convince my husband that this is acceptable all year round, which means I must make the most of the carte blanche that Christmas brings. Turn the big light off, switch the fairy lights on, and hey presto! Your house instantly looks clean and tidy in the murky pixie gloom.

6. Food. I am by nature a most abstemious person, unlikely to over-indulge in any way, but the range of tasty morsels positively flung one’s way at this time of year makes it impossible to refuse. As with the alcohol, it is de rigueur to adjust one’s notions of what acceptably constitutes a balanced meal – as long as you select items from both the savoury AND the sweet party food ranges, you should be absolutely fine.

7. Two weeks off. I enjoy my job, and by anyone’s standards, working in a college in the run up to Christmas must surely be as good a place to be as any. Giant tins of Quality Street lurk at every turn, and teaching English means that the final week offers plenty of chances to watch Wuthering Heights and eat popcorn. And yet, the prospect of two weeks off, spent lolling on the sofa, opening the odd present and reverting to a lifestyle where your mum brings you a cup of tea in bed in the morning, is surely something to be cherished.

So, if anyone fancies a mince pie or three in the semi-gloom of my Nigella kitchen I’ll see you shortly; only visitors bearing sherry will be admitted, mind.

December 11, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons to Love Peppa Pig

It’s Saturday once more, and the 7 Reasons team are taking a day off to indulge their respective hobbies of eating tiramisu and…er…not eating tiramisu. Fear not though, for we leave you in capable hands. Strapping himself back into the 7 Reasons sofa, taking a firm grasp of the joystick and doing things that we don’t understand with flaps and ailerons is Richard O’Hagan: By day a mild-mannered lawyer, and by night a fearless writer, warrior, superhero and defender of owls (possibly). Here’s Richard.

I know what you are thinking – why is a grown man extolling the virtues of a TV show for the under-fives? Well, first of all, there’s the fact that it is one of the few kids shows that can be on in the background without raising my blood pressure to boiling point, just by being a steaming pile of old twaddle, such as In The Night Garden. Nor is it a complete rip-off of a fifty year old idea, like Chuggington. In fact, you can watch it as an adult and be far more entertained than you can watching any soap opera. There are many reasons for this, but here are just seven of them:

1. The Car Is Magic. Even better, the car is magic and no-one seems to realise it. Whichever way it is parked, the car is always facing the right way when it is next needed. And the steering wheel changes side according to which way the car is going. It is as if it has ESP. In fact, lots of things in this town have ESP. In another episode there is a campervan with an ESP satnav – you just tell it where you want to go and it takes you there. Adding ESP satnav to the magic car is the only thing that could improve it. It would also reduce the number of times that Daddy Pig gets lost.

2. Daddy Pig. Daddy Pig is some kind of idiot savant. He is guaranteed to be 100% wrong about everything. If you ever wanted to win the Lottery, just ask him to pick 42 numbers and you can guarantee that the winning seven will be the ones he didn’t choose. Similarly, if he claims to be an expert at anything, he won’t be. Curiously, he never claims to be an expert at civil engineering, which is his job – although on reflection this is probably a good thing.

3. Incest. How many other children’s shows deal with this? Yet where Peppa lives, there is only one of each species of animal. Either there is a huge amount of inbreeding or a lot of cross species experimentation (which would at least explain why the elephants are the same size as the cats). The only exception to this rule would seem to be Peppa and her brother George, who have cousins – which leads me to suspect that, despite the accents, the series may be set in Kentucky.

4. Madame Gazelle. Mme Gazelle is possibly the scariest children’s character ever. She is clearly some kind of witch, at the very least. She has taught everyone in the town, even the adults, without aging at all. She can play guitar equally well both right and left handed. She speaks with a Franco-Germanic accent and is, frankly, terrifying. I suspect she has a house with a very large and well-developed cellar.

5. Miss Rabbit. They say that men cannot multitask, but compared to Miss Rabbit no-one can. She sells ice cream, she runs the fire station, she mans the checkout at the supermarket and is in charge of the recycling depot. And that was just on Monday.

6. George Hates Peppa. Despite the facade of a very happy family unit, George actually hates his big sister. Every time he fantasises about something, it involves Peppa being eaten by a dinosaur. Frankly, after your three year old has watched every episode a hundred times, you will be having the same sort of thoughts

7. Serving Suggestion. And, at the end of the day, how many children’s characters tell you how to cook them?

The people behind Peppa Pig went on to make ‘Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom’, which is rubbish for at least another seven reasons.

October 16, 2010
7 Reasons That It’s Over Between Us, Colin

Dear John, (well, Colin)

It saddens me to have to say this, but I’ve been considering this for a while now, and something doesn’t feel quite right any more, and it looks like it’s over for us. I can only imagine how hurt and upset you’ll be when you find this letter, so I’d like to soften the blow by saying that it isn’t you, it’s me. This isn’t true, however, it definitely is you, and here are 7 reasons why.

1. You’ve Changed. We used to have such fun times together, Colin. You were an assured, engaging and charismatic man who could readily pique my interest. When you made jokes we laughed heartily, Colin. Oh, how we laughed. But then, I began to notice a change in you. I can’t say exactly when this change occurred, but I do know that it happened at some point between the end of BBC Radio 5Live’s Fighting Talk at noon on Saturday and 10pm on Sunday, when you presented Match Of The Day 2. Because during those thirty-four hours you turned from a warm, funny, confident lover…er…presenter, (I mean presenter) into a man I barely recognised.

2. You Always Say The Wrong Thing. You always knew how to turn on the charm, Colin. Even on the rare occasion when words let you down, you were able to twinkle your eyes or smile an easy smile. But last night Colin, I saw that all that had changed. From the moment the title sequence ended, you looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights, and bulgy-eyed anxiety is not something I find attractive in a presenter, Colin. Nor is grimacing. Nor are halting, stuttering sentences and…

3. You Couldn’t Even Look Me In The Eye. I just wanted to see a glimpse of the man I thought I knew, Colin; how I longed for you to gaze into my eyes. If you’d done that, I might have been reassured. I might have seen that you still needed and wanted me and that what we had together was worth saving. But you couldn’t even look me in the eyes, could you Colin? And it wouldn’t have been too much trouble to go to, would it? All you had to do was look into the camera that had its light on. But you didn’t. You were looking at every camera other than mine. And I can’t begin to tell you how much that hurt.

4. Your Immaturity. It used to be that I was bowled over by your boyishness, Colin (I’m surprisingly boyish myself). It made you seem fun, irreverent and eager. But, last night, what I saw wasn’t boyish, or charming. It was childish and immature. Now you can get away with a lot of childish whimsy if you do it with wit, Colin. But the animations I saw weren’t funny, or even clever (they were big, but only because I was close to the television). They were cringe-worthy, crap and embarrassing. They made me wish that I was somewhere else. But that was nothing when compared to…

5. Your Climax. Now, I’m sure no man likes to have his performance compared to that of his current partner’s ex-presenters. But whereas Adrian steadily built my excitement throughout the show and brought me assuredly to a climax with 2 Good 2 Bad, you did nothing, Colin. Nothing. There I was, waiting, yearning, expectantly for more and things just sort of withered away, leaving me feeling empty and unfulfilled. I never thought anything would make Adrian seem attractive, but the lack of a climax with you made me pine for him. I know that isn’t entirely your fault, Colin. I also blame…

6. Your Mates. They say that you can judge a man by the company he keeps, and the company you keep is frankly creepy. I don’t like your orange friend Phil who seems to be labouring under the illusion that he’s being head-hunted for every top job going, and as for Martin, I think he may be the single most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen (and I once dreamed that I was being chased around Basingstoke by a fire-breathing baboon with wings and an angle grinder). It’s no wonder you had trouble reaching a climax with those two looking on.

7. I’m Disappointed In You. It used to be so good, Colin. I used to fondly imagine we’d grow old together and, in the Autumn of our lives, we’d be able to look wistfully back on all of the good times we’d had together: The time that you seemed to be on Radio 5Live for eighteen hours per day; the time that you “sang” on Celebrity Fame Academy; the time that you said something so funny on Fighting Talk that tea came out of my right eyelid (and I wasn’t even drinking tea). But all that’s ruined now, Colin. It’s time to face facts. It’s over between us. I’ve moved out, to another channel, because you’re just not the man I thought you were. I wish you all the best for the future. Lots of love,

The Viewer. x

August 30, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Watch Eastenders

A few weeks back, Claire Quinn talked to us about freckles. And why they rocked. So convinced were Marc and I by her reasons, that we popped outside to catch some rays. We’ve just come back in to find Claire back on the sofa. She’s watching Eastenders. So while she tells you why it’s great, Marc and I are going back outside.

1. Happiness. Ok I hear you… “Eastenders” and “happy” aren’t really words you ever hear in the same sentence. The deaths, marriage break-ups, screaming public arguements in The Queen Vic and the miserable bloody face of Billy Mitchell might have something to do with this. But on reflection, your life feels a whole lot better!

2. Fashion. Pat Butcher’s famous horrendously oversized earrings, Bianca’s silver puffer jacket, actually I can’t go on; the visuals in my head are causing too much pain. What I do realise though, is that I have impeccable dress sense. Thank you Eastenders costume designer person. Who needs Trinny and Susannah?

3. Money. Who can name me one family that owns their own washing machine in Albert Square? No? I didn’t think so. Neither can I. However, I do own one. Eastenders has made me feel rich!

4. Family. I don’t think it would matter how dysfunctional your family is, watching this soap makes your family feel positively normal.

5. Geographical Knowledge. I am an intrepid explorer! Well I am in comparison to the Enders lot… I mean, I know more than one pub to drink in, I have more than two choices of restaurant to dine in and, well, basically my life doesn’t revolve around 100 square feet. Which leads me nicely onto…

6. Employment. Not having to restrict myself to 100 square feet around my abode, I realise I have a much greater range of jobs to choose from. Thankfully, I am not restricted to market trader, hospitality worker or mechanic.

7. Dirty Laundry. No, I am not repeating myself. I am not talking about washing machines again. I am talking about personal information… Eastenders has taught me that airing your dirty laundry in public is NEVER a good idea. Why would you EVER humiliate yourself like that in front of all and sundry? If I didn’t want everyone to know that I think I am a cat, I wouldn’t start announcing it publicly… oh shit.

May 22, 2010
7 Reasons Australians Shouldn’t Make Television

1. The Weather. It must be quite easy to present the weather in Australia, it’s always “nice” there, so you probably don’t have to be too bright to do it. That would explain this weatherman being outwitted by a pelican then.

2. Wipeout Australia. In Britain, we have Total Wipeout, a programme in which pudgy, potato-faced middle-managers from Droitwich lumber around a ridiculous assault course. Wipeout Australia uses the same course, except everything is harder and the machines go at about five times the speed. The people they send around don’t seem any leaner or sportier though, that wouldn’t be any fun.

3. Skippy. In Britain in the ’60s, men whistled at attractive young women in mini-skirts. In Australia in the ’60s, they whistled at kangaroos. Still, they seem quite happy.

4. Advert. Halfway through, so it’s time for a break. Would you like one of these? It’s undetectable, you know.

5. Soaps. The bush, mushrooms, a mysterious pig, a flaming hand – it has to be a soap opera. Obvious, really.

6. Marriage. This sort of thing never happened on Richard and Judy.

7. The dream. Okay, you knew it had to turn up somewhere didn’t you? That classic Neighbours dream sequence which came out of left-field and astonished the audience. No, not that one, this one. The accents are spot on, by the way.

Okay, it’s time for an admission. I was wrong. All of this stuff is awful, yet somehow brilliant. I’ve had so much fun putting this post together that I’ve become convinced that Australians should make more television – perhaps even all of it. As long as I don’t have to watch Paul Hogan again I’d be quite happy. I might even buy a hairpiece.

March 2, 2010
7 Reasons to go to the Football Match

1. History. You get no sense of history watching a match on television. If you go to the Milton End at Fratton Park though, you can see an impressive recreation of the football experience in Victorian times. If it weren’t for the presence of “ladies” and the absence of flat-caps and rattles I would have believed I’d gone back in time. They even exhorted their team to “play up.” Nobody’s done that since colour was invented. I think I saw Dickens in the row behind me, sitting between a Muffin Man and an urchin.

2. Perspective. When you watch televised football, most of the footage is shot side-on from the main stand. This gives a good perspective on the game and gives you a tactical overview of events. You can get this at live football too, by sitting in the centre of one of the main stands. If you prefer excitement, however, nothing beats sitting behind the goal that your team is attacking. The spectacle of watching your strikers shooting at the space directly ahead of you is unsurpassable.*

*If your strike-force contains an Aliadiere or a Voronin you can replicate this experience by sitting near a corner-flag, the one furthest from the barn-door and the cows-arse.

3. Wit. There’s much wit and humour to be heard at live football. There are funny chants, heckles, pithy observations and bawdy asides. Wigan are considering signing Chilean defender Waldo Ponce in January. I may move to the North-West and buy a season ticket. It’s a name with enormous humour potential, the best since Celtic signed Rafael Scheidt.

4. Alan Green. Supercilious hectoring blabbermouth Alan Green might be at the match but don’t worry, it’s quite noisy there and you won’t be able to hear him. Also, he won’t be able to talk over everyone in the crowd whose opinion differs from his own, which is at least 97% of them – the ones with eyes in their heads and functioning brains.

5. Advise. You can’t help your team by watching the match at home. At the match you can, by shouting. If you’ve spotted something the players haven’t, or developed a new tactic that your manager hasn’t considered, you can let them know instantly. Who knows? You may even change the course of the match with your perceptive insights. Or you may not, like the man next to me three weeks ago who bellowed “Get the ball!” whenever his team weren’t in possession. He is presumably the man that warnings on coffee cups and rear-view-mirrors are for, I had wondered.

6. Pedestrians. Football matches are dangerous places for cars. Tannoy announcements often seem to consist of an endless stream of car-park calamity. “Can the owner of a silver Ford Focus (they’re all silver), registration number xxx xxxx please go to the car park as their car has its lights on/has its windows open/is parked in the way/is on fire/has rolled away/has the keys in the door/has been struck by the opposing team’s bus/is being vandalised/is playing Radio 2 at an immoderate volume. Militant pedestrians love hearing this litany of automotive adversity, it may be why they go.

7. Comedy. When you watch football on television, the cameras aren’t following the referee and often miss it when he does something funny, like falling over. I can’t think of anything that is funnier than a referee falling over, except for a referee falling over a dog…or a referee falling over a linesman…or a referee being chased by a rogue elephant…or a referee being satirised by Ian Hislop…or a referee slipping on a banana skin dropped by the fourth official…

There are many things funnier than the referee falling over. The ref falling over is still very funny though. If you go to the match, you may witness it.

December 17, 2009
7 Reasons TV Adverts Annoy Us

1. Interruptions. Let’s start with the obvious. Ads interrupt programmes. And just when you are getting into them as well. Now you have to wait five minutes to see if the bloke is dead or not. Then you find out he isn’t and curse the show for being unrealistic. He shot him in the head for goodness sake.

2. Voiceovers. That famous bloke is doing the voiceover for a financial advert. You just can’t place the voice. You spend the whole evening trying to work out who it is. You can’t sleep. You are tired the next day. The presentation goes badly. You get fired.

3. False Advertising. Some of the claims that adverts make are quite frankly bollocks. Take Gaviscon for example. ‘Oh no! I have heartburn. I won’t be able to save the stranded hiker using my rescue helicopter. I know! I’ll have some Gaviscon. That’s much better. Now I can save lives.’

4. Michael Winner. If Michael Winner is not annoying enough, it’s his bloody stupid catchphrase, “Don’t worry dear, it’s a commercial”. Twat.

5. Dubbing. It’s an advert for some sort of grooming product. Probably a razor. Or Just For Men. The gaudy font clearly shows it’s an American advert, so why have they employed some Brits to dub over the top? And why does it never sync properly? It’s just very, very poor workmanship.

6. They’re loud. Because everyone knows we go to the kitchen during the break, the ads are 50db louder than the show you are watching. Naturally, you turn the volume down as the adverts start. When you get back in the room you forget to turn it up again though. As a result you miss the really important conversation that explains how Inspector Frost knew the murderer was the one with the wooden leg and the false eye lashes.

7. They can’t keep it real. Not all adverts are bad. The spectacularNicole and Papa ads for Renault Clio had the British public on tenterhooks. I don’t know how many Renault Clio’s were actually sold, but that is hardly the point. Nicole was fit. As this – one of the first ads in the series – proves.

As the series went on we fell in love. With Nicole, Papa and the Clios. So much so that 23 million of us tuned in for this – the final outing. But, of course, the advertising agency just had to ruin it for us didn’t they?

Reeves and Mortimer? What the hell were they thinking? A nation mourned and Nicole ended up working for Rover. She was made redundant in 2004 and now sells ice-cream from the back of a burger van.*

*This is not true.

I feel much better now. Amazing to think I used to be in advertising really

November 10, 2009