Tag: Sun

Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Worship The Sun

1. It’s Got Super Powers. Before you say I’m mad, think of it like this: on a lovely summer’s day, no one looks directly at the sun for fear of going blind; therefore, it demands the respect of its subordinate underlings. And, if you’re vain enough to laze under its UV command all day long, it will punish your vanity with burns, peeling skin and a short life. Sounds a bit like a wrathful deity, right?

2. The Statistics. The centre of the sun is 15,000,000°C. It contains 99.9 % of all matter in the Solar System and a million Earths could fit inside it, with room to spare. It weighs 333,000 times more than the Earth, is at least 4.5 billion years old and resides 93,000,000 miles away- yet it can still burn your skin to a crisp. Boom.

3. It’s Just Another Star. You know when you look up on a clear night and see all of those fire-flies stuck up in that big blueish black thing? Well, Pumba was right, they are balls of gas burning billions of miles away, and our Sun is simply the closest one to the Earth.

4. It Giveth Life And It Taketh Life Away. Without our closest star, we would not be able to breath. Like, seriously, life on earth would be annihilated. I shouldn’t have to tell you about photosynthesis but, for the benefit of those who fell asleep in biology, here’s a very detailed scientific diagram.

5. Don’t Worry; Be Happy. Research has proven that sunshine produces an extremely important vitamin in humans. You know when the sun is shining and you feel like you could take on the world and nothing bad could ever happen again? That’s vitamin D coursing through your veins, and it’s very good for your well-being.

6. Be A Green Warrior And Save Dollar. If you invest in a roof light in your home, you could save money and lessen your carbon footprint. This is because skylights let lots of natural light into the room, reducing your need to use artificial lighting, reducing your bills, reducing your energy consumption and reducing your overall carbon emissions. Not to mention solar power, which gives you FREE electricity!

7. From Darkness Comes Dawn. Sunsets, sunrises, whichever you prefer. It is just so pretty.

May 22, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Spain Is The Best Destination

Spain may have a reputation for foam parties, fry ups and British tourists who still think it’s fashionable to pop knotted hankies on their heads but that’s not the reality at all. There are a multitude of reasons why Spain is the best destination for you and I promise that there will be absolutely no mention of Magaluf, Benidorm or bull fighting.

1. It’s Close. Far away destinations are all very well but jetlag’s a bitch and ticket prices can be astronomical. Look at it this way, you can snap up cheap flights to Alicante, hop on a plane and be on the beach (or bar) in next to no time. Plus, there’s no need for injections.

2. Fantastic Food. Spaniards don’t mess around with vegetables – they like to stick to the most awesome of the food groups – meat, seafood and carbs. What more could you want from a holiday than mounds of tasty paella accompanied with a mountain of chorizo, bread and cheese? Tapas comes in tiny portions as well so it’s possible to kid yourself into believing that because you are eating from a little plate, you are actually being healthy. I’m just not sure that rule applies after 10 plates!

3. Boozing. Spaniards know how to drink. I read somewhere that Spain comes 9th worldwide on the wine consumption scale with the average Spaniard drinking 38 litres of wine a year. If that doesn’t deserve a high 5, I don’t know what does.

4. Siestas. Any nation which takes a break in the middle of the day for a nap has got their priorities right. No-one wants to be slaving away in the midday heat but the rest of us are too proud to admit it and soldier on regardless. Spain knows what’s up. Just because we’re adults, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t indulge in an afternoon nap – life’s too short.

5. Sun, sea and sand. You’re on holiday – you shouldn’t have to wear much else other than swimwear and flip-flops. The Spanish climate is delightful. Team that with the 3000km of beaches and bath-like water temperatures and you’re on to a winner.

6. Nightlife. In Spain, people don’t even venture out of the house until midnight. Napping during the day gives you more energy to party until the sun comes up…and they do.

7. Attractive People. Her music may be rubbish but when it comes to boyfriend choices, Kylie Minogue knows her stuff. Kylie’s Top Tip – go for the Spaniards. Her latest squeeze Andres Velencoso hails from Tossa de Mar in Catalonia. Other Spanish hotties include supermodel Jon Kortajarena and let’s not forget one of the world’s most beautiful couples – Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem. The Spanish have the dark and brooding look nailed – surely that’s reason alone why Spain is the best destination…

March 22, 2012
7 Reasons The UK Should Be 100% Renewable

I’m going to put my neck on the line and say that, one day, the UK will become 100% reliable on renewable energy sources. It probably won’t happen tomorrow. Or indeed by next Tuesday. But I would like to think it will happen in our lifetimes. And, you know what, we should all be encouraging it. Because it would be great. Here’s why:

1. Expressions. Are you bored with hearing the same, tired expressions when you ask someone what the weather is like? “It’s chucking it down,” they say. Or, “It’s bloody windy!”. No, you’re probably not. But that’s because you see the weather only as something that influences what you are going to wear. When the UK becomes 100% renewable, this view will change. The weather, be it sun, wind or rain, will provide all our energy. And with something so serious, come serious expressions. Gone are the uncouth observations. In comes, “The energy is wonderfully blustery today”, “We’re being bathed in glorious energy” and “It’s that annoying energy that gets you wet.” We’ll sound like something from an undiscovered Jane Austen novel. I don’t know about you, but I’m looking forward to it.

2. Defence. How you ever asked yourself, “Why doesn’t Margate get invaded more often?” Given its classic Arnold Palmer mini-golf course you’d have thought it would be a prime target. If you don’t have the answer, don’t feel ashamed. It took me a while to realise it too. Just off the coast of Kent is the world’s biggest off-shore wind farm. Yes, a farm of wind turbines. That’s why no one is invading. They’ll get chopped to bits in the propellers. When the UK is 100% renewable we’ll have these wind farms all over our coastline. We’ll be impregnable!

3. Barons. I don’t know any personally, so for purposes of this reason I shall invent a Middle-Eastern oil baron called Sheikhin Stevens. Now Sheikhin has a lot of oil that the UK currently buys off him so we can feed cars petrol. (And other stuff.) He’s a bit greedy is Sheikhin and so he charges us a lot. The good news is that he’ll soon be surplus to requirements. Because soon the UK will have their own barons. Biomas barons. And solar barons. People that produce their own renewable energy and sell it to renewable energy companies. Like St. Aldhelms Chruch in North London do by selling their solar energy to Good Energy. Who then pass it onto us and make a better planet.

4. Go Wild. Perhaps the best thing about renewable sources is that they never run out. At least we hope they don’t. And if they do we all die anyway so what’s the point in worrying about it? Assumption has it that sun, wind and rain will always be around. (Like a really good Earth, Wind and Fire tribute group I suppose.) The fact that it can’t run out means we can all do the things we want to do, but, in this day of fossil fuel reliability, are afraid to start. So, we can put the heating on at 2pm if we want. We can re-boil the kettle even though we did it thirty-seconds ago. We can leave all our lights on when we go on holiday. It’ll still cost us, but assuming that hurricane is still on the way we don’t have anything else to worry about.

5. Aesthetics. It’s a little known fact that gargoyles are simply statues that have been attacked by acid rain. I mean, would anyone really attach a granite troll to their house? Of course not, it was a mermaid before the rain got to it. Now, acid rain – as I am sure you’re aware – is a product of water droplets mixing with sulphur dioxide and nitrous oxide. Products that are released when fossil fuels burn. No fossil fuels means no pollutants. No pollutants means no acid rain. No acid rain means nice statues of dolphins and kittens and Michael Jackson.

6. Industry. If you’re anything like me, you won’t remember the 1950s on account of the fact that you weren’t born. The UK was great back then though. That’s what Wikipedia says anyway. Our car industry was particularly strong. So strong in fact that we were the second biggest car manufacturer in the world. Now look at us. Bentley, Jaguar and Rolls-Royce are all owned by foreign fingers, we’re outside the top ten in terms of manufacturing and we actually consider a Skoda to be a viable form of transport. But there is a solar-powered torch light at the end of the tunnel. You see, no one has quite got to grips with inventing the car that runs solely on renewable energy sources. People have tried and either it looks like something from Minority Report or something only Susan Boyle should drive. So this is the UK’s big opportunity. When we go 100% renewable we’ll need renewable cars. So let’s be the biggest manufacturer of environmentally friendly cars in the world. And then let’s sell it all to BMW for loads of money and invade France. Something like that anyway.

7. Cows. I don’t know about you, but I think cows are a bit boring. Once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen the lot. A bit like an episode of Friends really. But cows do have their uses. Milk for instance. And methane. Only methane isn’t a good use. Some scientists, somewhere, have established that methane from cows account for 3% of the UK’s greenhouse gas emissions. It’s not a great amount, but with the UK being 100% renewable we should really find a use for this fuel. And, as luck would have it, the Argentinians have already worked out of way of harnessing methane and using it for stuff like cooking. And they do it by strapping a plastic box to a cow’s back and shoving a tube… somewhere. Suddenly the countryside has got far more interesting.

January 9, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Not To Get Too Close To The Sun (Or Even Try)

With the clocks going back, the nights drawing in and the sun on holiday until next April, it could be very tempting to go looking for some rays. As James Bentham tells us though, you don’t want to be going upwards.

***

The Sun, is really rather useful. It is the root cause of life on our planet and lies at the centre of our solar system some 1.496 x 108 km away. Considering what a ridiculously long way that is, it keeps one side of the Earth nice and toasty, whilst the other side has a rest. Thank goodness the human race was capable of developing that mechanical marvel, the electric heater for those dark times. If, like a moth to a flame, you have a desire to get up and close with the Sun though, a number of terrible things could happen en route.

Step away from the sun

1. Oxygen Deficiency. You really don’t have to go very far on your journey towards our nearest star before you start getting into trouble. If you decide to venture out of our atmosphere on the rocket you made in your back garden without adequate breathing apparatus, you will quickly discover that it’s difficult to breathe. In fact you won’t be able to at all, due to the lack of oxygen and you will almost certainly be killed to death. Just look at what happened to Schwarzenegger in Total Recall.

2. Chill Factor. If you have had the sense to get some breathing gear, you’ll probably still struggle. Surprisingly, it’s actually really bloody cold once you’re in space. To put a number on it, it is around -270.7 degrees centigrade, otherwise known as absolute zero. So, if you’ve set off on your journey in your shorts and t-shirt, thinking it’s going to be tan-city, you will freeze to death. Nope, even that nice woolly jumper your Gran knitted for you won’t help.

3. Spaceship For Sale. Okay, so by some miracle you have acquired all the necessary gear to survive in space. But how the hell are you actually going to make it closer to the Sun? You’ll definitely need some sort of vehicle, but you’ll probably need a few billion dollars to get one. That’s weeks and weeks of pocket money you’re going to have to save up and even then, you’ll have to befriend an Arab Prince to get enough fuel.

4. Bumpers. Hurrah, you’re on your way! You’ve burst through the Earth’s atmosphere like Roadrunner on crystal meth. Hang on a sec though, here comes another opportunity for disaster. There is a massive amount of man-made detritus floating around in orbit of the earth. With old, broken satellites for ancient phone networks nobody uses any more like, T Mobile or Vodafone, bits of the last shuttle that tried this ridiculous expedition, you’re pretty much guaranteed to crash into something and join that elephant’s graveyard of space crap.

5. Hemorrhoids. If you do manage to successfully navigate the orbital dumping ground, more terrors await in outer space. Stuff whizzes around in space all the time, as once you apply a force to something in space, it will literally keep going in that direction until something stops it. See where I’m going with this? Meteors and other dangerous bits of the universe will fly at you from all directions and unless you have some Han Solo-esque manoeuvres up your sleeve, you’ll be smashed into a thousand pieces.

6. Two’s Company (And Death). As you get ever closer to the Sun, you may notice yourself starting to behave a bit strangely. A recent documentary involving Cillian Murphy and filmed by Danny Boyle, widely respected by the scientific community, demonstrated this. It’s probably not a good idea to take any companions with you, as one of you will fall in love with the beauty of the Sun, go insane and kill everyone aboard your craft. That’s just how it is.

7. Disco Inferno. You made it! Congratu…oh you’ve gone. Yep that’s right, you made it all this way and were instantly incinerated as soon as you got anywhere near. After all the Sun is ridiculously hot you idiot, why even bother, seriously? Even the outside of the Sun is about 100,000 Kelvin, which is way too hot to write in centigrade. Once you get down to the core (which you won’t because you’ll have died a fiery, fiery death) the temperature reaches about 13,600,000 Kelvin. Imagine burning your hand on the cooker, but times about 13,599,999 and you might just have it, but even then…

So there you go, I think we’ve managed to discern that trying to get close to the Sun is a fairly bad idea. To be honest though, we’ve known for centuries. Everyone knows what happened to Icarus, that maverick. His Dad was like “No don’t fly so close you complete moron, I spend hours making those wings! I stank of bird lime for weeks!”. But Icarus was just like “and what?” proceeding to fly towards the Sun without any of the recommended gear only to fall to his watery grave. Surprised? I think not.

November 3, 2011
7 Reasons Being Sunburnt Has Its Advantages

This is Simon Cowell. He wears his trousers too high and he’s sunburnt. Only the former of these is unacceptable, embarrassing and disadvantageous. The latter is simply a move of immense genius.

1. Opportunity. When you’re sunburnt you give off a lot of heat. Which is perfect if you’re a male escort. Most women like snuggling and/or a hot water bottle. You can combine your snuggling services with the warming effect of your skin and never be out of work again. Or at least until you start peeling.

2. Fancy Dress. Accompany your look with an amber t-shirt and a pair of green trousers and you will make a very fine set of traffic lights. You will also cause a lot of confusion on your walk home and no doubt a fair few accidents as a result. How is this good? Well, the council will love you because it means they can put tax up in order to fix the roads and the Police will love you as it means they can nick someone for dangerous driving and meet their quote for the month.

3. The Orange Effect. Have you ever laid in bed wondering whether you could pull an entire layer of skin off your body in one go? Very much as you would try and peel an orange? Being sunburnt offers you the best chance you will ever have. And even if you do fail, at least it’s good fun. Stick your dead skin under the microscope before you dispose of it too. It’s fascinating. And also rather chewy.

4. Seen, But Not Heard. There’s a reason Simon Cowell is sunburnt and it doesn’t simply come down to the fact that he forgot his Nivea lotion. It’s because he’s an egotistical maniac who loves to be noticed. And nothing gets you noticed more than when you’ve got a face that looks like you’ve spent a day in the company of a Red Indian. Also note the use of a white t-shirt to show just how red he is. It’s the perfect way to be seen on a night out. Try it.

5. Oops. No one likes being embarrassed, but if you have to be, the time to do it is when you are suffering with sunburn. No one will be able to see how uncomfortable you are. You can shrug it off and pretend you haven’t got a care in the world. You’ll be admired from head to toe.

6. Money. It’s sunny and it’s hot. You have £3 with you. What do you do? Do you (a) buy suncream or (b) buy an ice-cream? Think about it. Suncream won’t keep you cool, but ice-cream will. And for £3 you’ll probably get a flake too.

7. Invisible Clothes. Say you spend a day in the sun in nothing but a vest and a pair of shorts. Come 9am the next day you should be able to stand in front of the mirror, completely naked and yet still see yourself wearing a vest and pair of shorts. Like this guy here. That’s so cool. I mean ‘cool’ as in ‘wicked’. Not ‘cool’ as in ‘cool’. Because obviously it’s not ‘cool’. It’s really hot. And I don’t mean ‘hot’ as in ‘sexy’. Because obviously he’s not. To me anyway. At least, I think it’s a man. I don’t know. I can’t look at it anymore. It’s making me shiver.

September 27, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Holiday In South Africa

The nights are drawing in. The temperature is dropping. There is resentment in the air. Summer never arrived. As a result throngs of disgruntled Brits are marching on Heathrow. Destination holiday. But with so many countries to choose from, where do you buy a ticket to? Today Craig Patterson puts his humorous case forward for South Africa.

South Africa is a pretty amazing place; a country nicknamed the ‘Rainbow nation’ for its incredible cultural diversity and eclectic geography (as opposed to any parallels with the long running British children’s TV show featuring Geoffrey Hayes and a cast of rather off-beat puppet companions Zippy, Bungle and for some reason a camp hippo called George). South Africa is a vibrant and beautiful place that promises one of the most memorable and truly privileging experiences in the world. So let’s take a closer look at the seven reasons that make South Africa holidays so good.

1. ‘Damn Nature, You Scary!’ South Africa is home to some of the most iconic wildlife on the planet and nowhere else in Africa are you more likely to see the famous ‘Big Five’; like the fab four but considerably more toothy and considerably less Liverpudlian these were the animals once considered by colonial hunters as the most dangerous on the continent: lions, leopards, rhinos, elephants and Chuck Norris…I mean buffaloes. The Kruger National Park in the North East of the country is widely regarded as one of the richest and most diverse game reserves in all of Africa boasting an abundance of wildlife, and even the occasional hippo; although I can’t promise they will be either as camp or as pink as George. Safari holidays are becoming more and more popular and a break to South Africa promises a truly exhilarating experience.

2. Language And Time. Okay, so it might take an eleven and a half hour flight to get there but let’s face it, that’s just like watching all three extended editions of the Lord of the Rings films back to back; peace of cake. One great thing about travelling to South Africa for Western European tourists in particular is that it’s almost entirely down hill and by that I mean you fly on essentially the same longitude the whole way; so despite jumping on a rather lengthy flight you will still arrive in Cape Town or Johannesburg only 1 or 2 hours ahead of GMT. Cash back! Also thanks to a lengthy colonial occupation a vast majority of South Africans speak English, which perhaps unfortunately for some renders ineffectual that old British holiday-making ritual of trying to make other nationalities comprehend you by pointing at something and then saying it louder and slower again in English. This also presents a great opportunity to perfect your beloved South African accent; the one that everyone says sounds Russian but you know is spot on.

3. The Weather’s Great…Usually. The weather in South Africa is quite similar to the climate in Britain in the same way that Blue Nun is quite similar to Dom Perignon. The country actually promises pleasant conditions throughout the year although there is a discernible seasonal shift around September and April. Thanks to the wizardry of astrophysics and the orbital tilt of the planet’s axis as a country in the Southern Hemisphere South Africa experiences apposite seasonal changes to its hemispherical counterparts ‘up north’ meaning that when it is British winter it is in fact South African summer. Not only does this assert the country as a great winter warmer destination, but the cooler drier period from June to September is actually the best time for game viewing and perfectly timed for a jolly summer holiday. All of this said South Africa is prone to its occasional climatic clanger and only as recently as this year many residents in the Eastern Cape awoke to a blanket of thick snow, maybe not so different eh?

4. Malaria Free. Unlike most other destinations in Southern Africa, South Africa is almost entirely malaria free with only the very north-eastern reaches moderately at risk. A lot of people presume that when they travel to South Africa they will have to prescribe to a cocktail of pills and drugs that Keith Richards would be proud of, but thanks to the geographical location of the country travellers and perhaps young children in particular needn’t worry about the effects of those infamous and much belied bloodsuckers, no not the HMRC, mosquitoes.

5. Nelson Says So. The Granddad that everyone wishes they had, Nelson Mandela, is an icon, not only in South Africa but across the globe. The former president was notoriously imprisoned for over 27 years for his role in the anti apartheid movement much of which he spent on Robben Island. To trace the history and evolution of modern South Africa is a wonderful thing and there are many museums and exhibits dedicated to the country’s colourful and undeniably tumultuous past. Mandela still epitomises the hope and spirit shared by millions of South Africans for a bright and fruitful future. He also looks just like Morgan Freeman who incidentally played him in 2009 biopic, Invictus – a little pub ammo for you.

6. Cape Town. Cape Town is a pretty hip and happening place and is the most visited destination within the most visited country in Africa. Originally established by the Dutch who stopped by for a smoke and a pancake in the mid 17th century and decided to stay, today Cape Town is a busy metropolis, although interestingly not the outright capital as South Africa actually has three – make up your minds guys. With such famous sights as the V&A waterfront, Table Mountain and the nearby Cape of Good Hope as well as a plethora (great word, just rolls off the tongue) of boutique shops restaurants and bars there will be something to keep everyone entertained.

7. Affordable. You might think that a holiday to South Africa would cost you an arm and a leg (I suppose it might depending upon how close you get to the lions) but in fact you don’t have to be the CEO of De Beers to afford even a relatively luxurious trip. The incredible variety of experiences on offer in South Africa means that whatever budget you have to work with you can still see the best of this country. OK, so you’re understandably going to have to fork out more than you would for a long weekend in Whitby but in a time when the purse strings are even tighter than usual you can still enjoy an ‘exotic’ break at a competitive price.

September 24, 2011
7 Reasons To Plan Your Picnic Carefully

1. Where Are You Going? If you are off to a day of Polo, you probably don’t want to be taking along some of Lidl’s less-than-finest Scotch Eggs. People will look down on you. Even if they are sitting down themselves. And at the other end of the scale, you probably don’t want to be taking along your Selfridges’ Hamper if you’ve managed to get a ticket for Millwall Football Club’s ‘Grand Day Out In Leeds’.

2. Do You Have Any Suncream? No? Good. No one is going to mistake it for the mayonnaise then.

3. How Much Food Do You Have? This isn’t so much about the number of bags you are taking with you, more the size of the blanket. You don’t want so much food that the only way you can sit down is by playing twister around the sausage rolls. Nor do you want so little food that you wish you’d just brought a flannel instead.

4. Do You, Or Anyone You Know, Suffer From Picnic Envy? It’s always a difficult one this, you are happily munching on a pork pie when you suddenly get a whiff of something quite extraordinary. Either than or you spin round and see someone with a better set of cutlery. It’s enough to ruin the atmosphere. And make you play Frisbee a bit closer to those with the Chicken Cordon Bleu than is strictly necessary.

5. Have You Checked The Weather Forecast? Even if it says it is going to be sunny and thirty degrees, you can be certain that it will rain. A practical solution, therefore, is to take all-weather food and drink. Melon for instance. And water. Sandwiches are a definite no-no and despite what people say, even the sturdiest of celery sticks can go limp in a thunderstorm.

6. Are You Fully Equipped? By this I mean, do you have the bottle opener/corkscrew? The one thing park rangers frown upon is picnickers trying to open a bottle of Cava using irregular practices. Like using the numberplate of their jeep.

7. Are You Going Into A Forest? Bears like food. They like people too.

July 12, 2010
7 Reasons to Have a Lie-In

1. Avoid The Sun. Spending an extra hour in bed in the summer means that you avoid an extra hour of exposure to the sun, This is a good thing. The sun gives cancer; the sun gives burn; the sun can cause blindness. It’s a hazard. When people are exposed to the sun, their skin warms and darkens like that of a chicken in an oven. This is because the sun is slowly cooking us, though for what nefarious purpose, I cannot begin to speculate. The sun is evil: Stay in bed and avoid it.

2. Regress. Being a grown-up is not always fun – I am told – and sometimes a return to more infant-like-state is just the tonic that an adult needs. Being in bed is oft compared to being in the womb; naked, yet protected, insulated from the outside world by the smothering, security of the duvet. It’s better than that though. Being under the duvet is also like being in a den. And what better place is there for your inner-child than a den?

3. Mornings. The morning is the wrong time to be up and about. It’s the time of day when you stumble around bleary-eyed trying to pour coffee and multivitamins into yourself in an attempt to feel vaguely human, and usually fail. The morning is full of dull events like selecting a shirt; commuting; the consumption of muesli; junk-mail; conversations about last night’s television. If you lie-in though, you suffer less morning and you’re more alive and alert when the best part of the day comes; the evening. All of the best, most glamorous and wondrous things happen in the evening; award ceremonies; parties; dining out; gigs; owls; theatre performances, they’re all things that happen at the better end of the day that you shouldn’t be too tired to enjoy.

4. Plans. People plan things, it’s what we do. You probably had today already mapped out before you went to bed last night. But plans aren’t a good thing: The CIA planned to assassinate Fidel Castro; Hitler planned World War II; the VCCP agency planned the Compare The Meerkat advertising campaign; an idiot planned Milton Keynes. If you spontaneously decide to lie-in, you say “no” to plans and liberate yourself from their fiendish tyranny.

5. Toast Avoidance. One of the hazards of mornings is toast which, for some reason, doesn’t exist after 11am. Stay in bed: Avoid toast.

6. Romance. You don’t have to lie-in alone, you can share your den…er…bed with someone else. You can even have breakfast-in-bed together. Not toast, obviously, as the crumbs will get everywhere and could be physically painful: Imagine trying to sleep on a toast-crumb covered pillow. But, even if there is toast, it’s still quality time with a loved one, and that must be a good thing.

7. Health. Sleep debt is the name for a cumulative lack of sleep. It is said to shorten life. So, logically, for a longer life you should be in sleep credit. A lie in will help with this. You can also become immortal by sleeping for 24 hours per day – though modern science is yet to cotton on to this – which, ironically, would make immortality almost exactly like death, but without the flowers. Or I may have dreamt that last bit during a lie-in, I’m not certain.

June 3, 2010
7 Reasons You Know Spring Has Arrived

1. Cheery People. As soon as the sun comes out people start smiling and being happy. It’s so annoying. At least it seemed to be for the cashier in WH Smith yesterday. All I said was ‘Good Morning’ and she looked at me as if I’d just molested her cat. (Not that I know what that look is. Obviously).

2. Chuggers. Or to give them their more politically correct name, tossers. Okay that maybe a bit harsh, but there are bloody millions of them now the sky is blue. It’s hard not to feel resentment towards them when you have to get past what seems like the gauntlet from Gladiators everytime you want to get to the tube station.

3. Legs. They are beginning to protrude from shorts. I am not the biggest fan of men’s legs – you’ll probably find a whole other sex who prefer them more than I do – but it is the men who get them out first. It’s that musty aroma you can smell.

4. Near Death Experiences. This may sound cruel, but I strongly oppose mobility scooters – when I am outside. When the sun is out, the brightness makes it much harder to read the cricket score on my phone. Therefore I am going to be concentrating more on getting the angle right than looking where I am going. Under such circumstances I have a habit of not walking in a straight line and so venturing into the path of a mobility scooter is not so much a possibility as a certainty.

5. Australians. Yes, they are arriving. In droves. They seem to disappear during the winter months – probably to hibernate – but now they are back. And why do none of them seem to work? All they do is sit outside the Walkabout, drink and watch me play dodgems with mobility scooters. What am I? A tourist attraction?

6. Builders. Not that it is particularly unusual to see builders, but it is unusual to see them working. Hopefully they’ll get a bit done before they have to stop again in June due to the dangers of sunstroke.

7. Smoke Alarms. This might sound strange, but the warmer it gets the more regular the sound of a smoke alarm. Usually mine. I would like to blame this on an electrical fault, but no one is going to believe that. It’s more to do with the fact that I put cheese-on-toast under the grill, head off to open the windows and accidentally become distracted in front of the mirror.

March 16, 2010