7 Reasons

Tag: sport

  • 7 Reasons Sepp Blatter Must Go (Now)

    7 Reasons Sepp Blatter Must Go (Now)

    Today, Sepp Blatter will be re-elected as FIFA President. That is all kinds of wrong. As this video aptly demonstrates.

  • 7 Reasons Manu Tuilagi Should Be Embarrassed

    7 Reasons Manu Tuilagi Should Be Embarrassed

    On Saturday afternoon, the country had two choices. They could either watch a bunch of tarts or a bunch of thugs. Being someone who lacks a passion for theatrical performance this choice didn’t apply to me. My radar featured solely the Leicester v Northampton Premiership semi-final. The FA Cup Final only appeared on nancy boy’s radars. And Ricky Hatton’s. My choice, as happens regularly with my choices, was the correct one and I was treated to a terrific sporting occasion. However, it wasn’t all savoury. During the first half there was an off the ball incident between Leicester’s Manu Tuilagi and Northampton’s Chris Ashton. For those who didn’t watch it, this is what happened. Manu Tuilagi attempts something resembling a tackle on Chris Ashton. Unfortunately, Ashton didn’t have the ball. And in rugby, tackling someone without the ball is frowned upon. So, Ashton gives Tuilagi a shove to say, “Excuse me ol’chap, I am without ball. That’s terribly unsportsmanlike conduct.” To which Tuilagi replies, “No it ******* well isn’t! This is!” Although he replaced the words with three punches. Unfortunately footage of the incident isn’t great, but it’s as good as we have for now.

    At full speed it looked like a brutal attack and one Audley Harrison would be proud/incapable of. On closer inspection though, it’s pretty poor. And for that Manu should be incredibly embarrassed. Here’s why:

    1.  Eyes. In such circumstances the victim should really have his eyes shut as he prepares himself for the blow. The puncher, on the other hand, should be looking in the direction of his target. This is all back to front. Firstly, although it’s hard to tell, Ashton has his eyes open. And secondly, Tuilagi has his eyes shut. So what can we establish from this? Well, firstly that Ashton is a madman. He likes pain and he loves watching the impact of a fist on his face. Secondly, Tuilagi is squeamish. He’ll gladly give someone a happy slap but he doesn’t want to see blood.

    2.  Body Position. Now, I’ve done a bit of boxing – in a ring that was frequented by Justin Langer and Adam Gilchrist no less – so I like to think I know what I am talking about. When you punch, you’ll get more joy if you hit in front of you as opposed to the side. Obviously, there may be occasions when your target is not in front of you. If this is the case it is generally a good idea to move.

    3.  Oxygen. It’s always a good idea to breath when involved in a pursuit that actively encourages being alive. Tuilagi’s decision to hold his breath was not only dangerous, it also made him look a little chubby.

    4.  Standing. If you get a chance to see decent footage, do watch it. That’s because this footage is useless at showing what happened next. It also doesn’t fully show the impact of the other two punches. Well, actually, it doesn’t show the other two punches. And, while I have suggested these punches weren’t particularly great, they were still pretty damn forceful. The slow-mo footage shows Ashton’s head turn into a jelly for a few moments. The thing is though, after Tuilagi threw the punches, nothing happened. Ashton just stood there. And so did Tuilagi. And Tuilagi looked at Ashton standing in front of him and said, “Huh? What the hell aren’t you doing on the floor? Get down son, you’re making me look like a tit.” Which he did.

    5.  Officials. While Tuilagi was trying to punch Ashton into Nottingham, the touch judge was doing what all good touch judges should do. He was waving his flag around. The referee, Wayne Barnes eventually noticed the semaphore message and stopped the game. He then had a chat with his touch judge and then sent both Tuilagi and Ashton to the sin-bin. So yes, Tuilagi should be embarrassed for putting the officials in a position where they made the worst decision in the history of refereeing. Ever.

    6.  Ovation. Despite all I have said about the punches and their ineffectualness the home crowd seemed to love it. I felt somewhat uncomfortable as I watched the Tigers faithful give Tuilagi an ovation as he ran back on the pitch after his sin-bin. Sure, if he had flattened Ashton, give him an ovation. But don’t applaud the guy for half measures. He must have felt three inches tall after hearing that. How embarrassing to hear your own supporters cheer you for not punching properly. They must have thought that’s all he had. Which it was.

    7.  Handshake. So you’ve thrown everything at your opponent. He’s taken an absolute hammering. So what’s the worst that can happen now? That’s right, he comes up to you at the end of the match without a scratch on him and says, “Well played.” And all you can do is smile and remind everyone that you spend far too long shaping your sideburns.

    7 Reasons Manu Tuilagi Should Be Embarrassed

     

     

  • 7 Reasons That It’s Right To Allow The Use Of the Elbow In Football

    7 Reasons That It’s Right To Allow The Use Of the Elbow In Football

    Great news, psychopaths.  As of today, elbowing people in the head is now acceptable in football, thanks to referee Mark Clattenberg’s new and liberal interpretation of what constitutes acceptable behaviour on the field of play.  We’d like to applaud Clattenberg for his bold and innovative stance and suggest that allowing the use of the elbow to the head will improve the game greatly.  Here are seven reasons that it will.

    1.  There Will Be Less Emphasis Placed On Skill And Application.  Let’s look at Carlos Tevez (not too closely though, you may want to sleep again).  He’s an amazing, mesmeric player that simultaneously terrifies the opposing team’s defence, midfield, and young supporters in the stands.  Most teams find him almost unplayable and it seems almost impossible for opposing managers to concoct a tactic to negate his influence on the game.  With the new relaxation on the rules governing assault occasioning actual bodily harm on the football pitch, however, there’ll finally be a way to stop him.  You can have as much talent as you like, you can’t play through concussion.

     

    2.  Or Maybe You Can.  We’ll see way more incidents of concussion in the game now that players can cranially assault each other on the pitch.  And concussion, in some cases might actually improve players.  Who can forget what (then Partick Thistle manager) John Lambie said on being told that one of his strikers was concussed?  He said, “That’s great, tell him he’s Pele and get him back on.”  Obviously concussion won’t always lead to improvement; most of my team’s squad seem to have been concussed since December and we – if our home stadium was called the Paper Bag Arena – would be there today, still playing out our Christmas fixtures.  Still, seeing them elbowed in the head would make me feel better about things so it’s still a win.

     

    3.  It’ll Be More Popular.  Now that players can elbow each other in the chops football’s popularity could be further increased.  Look at the rise in popularity of cage-fighting, a sport with a laissez-faire to the rules of etiquette.  It’s growing far faster than its more traditional, staid and rule-bound cousin, boxing, and football attendance could increase similarly with the relaxation of the tiresome convention of not being allowed to inflict brain damage on your opponent with your elbow.  It could bring some of the excitement that we associate with the gladiators of ancient Rome to the sport.  In fact, I’ve seen Gladiator and it’ll be great: There’ll be blood; there’ll be whooshing and crunching noises; there’ll be names like Roonicus Maximus, Torresicus Uselecus, Carrollicus Howmuchicus and Coleicus Twaticus; there might be lions.  How cool will that be?

     

    4.  It’s Civilising. Allowing the elbow may well actually make football more civilised.  This might seem somewhat counter-intuitive, but it could work.  Look at the touching way that Mark Clattenberg put his arm around Wayne Rooney after Saturday’s elbowing incident.  It made a lovely change to see a player and a referee getting on so famously, because usually when players are interacting with the referee they’re barracking and abusing him*, so if allowing players to half-kill each other on the pitch brings more touching and harmonious moments like this it can only be a good thing:  Practitioners of football will finally become the role-models that we always hoped they would be; setting a good example of decorous, respectful and appropriate behaviour for children.  And they’ll get to see them belt the living shit out of each other too!  Brilliant.

     

    5.  It Benefits The United Kingdom. Elbowing another person in the head is not merely the simple, uncomplicated act of thuggery that you might suppose, as there are some fundamental laws of physics that cannot be overcome.  The act of elbowing someone in the head requires the elbower (or defendant, as non-F.A. types have traditionally referred to them) to be able to reach the elbowee(victim)’s head with their elbow.  This means that Shaun Wright-Phillips (5’4”) would have little chance of elbowing Peter Crouch (9’3”) in the head.  So taller players will have a natural advantage.  And this, in international football, will benefit teams from the United Kingdom, as we’re the twenty-second tallest nation in the world (and Luxembourg, Iceland and Estonia are ahead of us on that list and we should be able to beat them using old-fashioned skill**).  U.K. teams will, therefore, have a greater chance of winning the world cup than they do presently.  So there you go, in the future, when elbowing opponents in the head is a legitimate tactic, England will be improved by not selecting Shaun Wright-Phillips.  What a revelation.

     

    6.  It Uses Existing Skill. The new relaxation of the rules will tap into the existing skill-sets of football players and will allow them to practice on the field what they often practice as amateur-hobbyists off it.  Assaulting people.  And while it will be somewhat of a change from the traditional practice of punching people in nightclubs and takeaways – or shooting people at the training ground – it will be something that they won’t require too much additional training to adapt to.  And it would make nightclubs safer places for the rest of us to conduct the activities traditionally associated with them. Mostly vomiting and being sexually/physically assaulted (delete as appropriate) by middle-aged men in short sleeved shirts.

     

    7.  It Puts Football Back At The Cutting Edge. By allowing elbowing, football is flying in the face of convention and bucking tradition.  And, on a day when the sport is being overshadowed by a cricketer coming out and revealing that he is gay, it’s important that football is seen to be embracing new ideas.  After all, cricket is merely blazing a trail today by embracing very old ideas, which means that – with its new attitude toward our silly, outdated notions of what constitutes assault – football is doing something far newer and more libertarian.  So move over cricket, football is now the unparalleled bastion of cutting edge liberalism in sport.  How truly enlightening.

     

     

     

    *I would include female referees in this, but I quite fancy a career in radio.

    **This may be fanciful.

     

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons That American Football is Better Than Soccer

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons That American Football is Better Than Soccer

    It’s the first weekend of the Six Nations, so who better to hand the 7 Reasons sofa to than blogger, occasional 7 Reasons guest poster and sports nut, Richard O’Hagan.  And what more appropriate subject for him to write about than…oh…the Super Bowl?  Which is also happening this weekend.  Apparently.

    It’s Super Bowl weekend. What do you mean you hadn’t noticed? How could you not notice? It’s the biggest single sporting event in the world. No other event makes an entire country grind to a halt like the first Sunday in February does in America. You want to know how special it is? It’s one of only three days in the year when Americans actually manage to eat MORE than usual – no matter how impossible that might be to imagine.

    Yes, all over America, football fans will be doing their best Mr Creosote impressions, barbecuing as if their very lives depended upon it and convincing themselves that they have room for just one more giant pretzel, before settling down in front of the television for the sporting event of the year. Meanwhile, people like me attempt to stay awake until stupid o’clock in the morning, because despite all of the above the Yanks haven’t yet worked out that there are people elsewhere in the world who like to watch the game, too, so they start the game at somewhere near midnight UK time.

    And why do I put myself through this every year? Simple. American Football knocks just about every winter game into, if not a cocked hat, then a football helmet. And that particularly includes what Americans call soccer, because:

    1. Fat People Can Play This Game, Too. Come on, when was the last time you saw a fat guy playing what, to avoid confusion, we shall also call ‘soccer’? A really fat person, the sort of guy who would make the 1980s Jan Molby look anorexic. I’ll tell you. Never. Even William ‘Fatty’ Foulkes, the fattest man ever to play professional football, was only average size for an American footballer. It’s an all-inclusive sport, you see, and for some positions on the field being 300lb-plus is a minimum requirement. And it is not just being over 300lbs that counts, because every one of those guys can run 40 yards in less than 6 seconds, and most of them do it in close to 5. Go and try that for yourself. Most of you won’t even come close.

    2. And The Players Are Educated, Too. There’s one unbreakable rule in American Football, and that’s the one that says that you can’t play it professionally unless you have been to university for at least three years. Proper university. No going to the Mail Order University of Chipping Sodbury. And no studying nonsense degrees such as ‘The History of Popular Music Since the Spice Girls’. There are guys playing football with degrees from Harvard, from Yale and all of the other elite US universities. Compare that to a sport where Frank Lampard is regarded as educated because he has more than one GCSE.

    3. Cheerleaders. Yes, I know that some soccer clubs have tried this, but frankly they are rubbish and wouldn’t even make a high school cheerleading team in the States. Football teams have proper cheerleaders, most of whom have also gone to university to train as cheerleaders. When it comes to grinning inanely, clenching your butt cheeks and waving pom-poms, you have to say that football is the best.

    4. Lingerie. Sepp Blatter famously wanted female soccer players to wear skimpier kits. Americans have already embraced that idea and the women’s football is played indoors in little more than lingerie and protective pads. Google ‘Lingerie League’ and you’ll see what I mean. You might think it wrong and you might think it demeaning, but it gets a heck of a lot more television than the women’s premier league does and pays better, too.

    5. Adverts. One of the biggest whinges about Football is the number of ad breaks, but in fact you hardly notice them (and see reason number six anyway). But look at the players’ kit. Notice anything? Takes you back, doesn’t it? Back to the era before every soccer team sullied their shirts with advertising. Every kit is pure and unadulterated and you can wear your team’s shirt without in some way providing your own endorsement for some evil corporate monolith and their tax-dodgy, peasant-exploiting ways.

    6. Beer. You can drink alcohol at football matches. In most stadia they even bring it to your seat. You can’t do that at a soccer match. And even if you don’t have in-seat service you still need something to do during the ad breaks, and what better to do than getting another beer?

    7. Hardness. Every time I see a soccer player lying sobbing on the pitch because an opponent breathed on him, I reach for the sick bag. You want to see proper hard men, watch the US game. And do it without whinging about the helmets and padding, because that just proves that you don’t know why they are worn (the explanation is too long for here). Instead, think of someone like kicker Nate Kaeding, who in 2008 played three games without realising he had a broken leg. That’s ‘leg’, not ‘fingernail’, soccer fan.

    So go on, give the game a try. Take Monday off work, stock up on pretzels, doughnuts and tasteless beer, and settle down for some American action. It’s better than football.

  • 7 Reasons The Darren Bent Transfer Rumours Are…er… Just A Bit Strange

    7 Reasons The Darren Bent Transfer Rumours Are…er… Just A Bit Strange

    1.  They’re Memorable.  Wait.  What.  Huh?  Never mind people remembering where they were when they heard that Kennedy had been shot by Lee Harvey Oswald/spooks on the grassy knoll/a Wisconsin bear hunter’s epic and unfortunate ricochet.  Never mind people remembering where they were when Diana had been killed in a traffic accident/sinister Prince Philip-backed plot/returning of his angel to heaven by Jesus.  Those events have now been overshadowed by our own epoch-defining memorable moment.  Henceforth, we will all remember where we were when we heard the rumour that Darren Bent was leaving Sunderland for Aston Villa for £18 million.

    2.  They’re Shocking.  ”Eighteen million pounds!”, I exclaimed as I spat my morning espresso at my laptop.  “Darren Bent!”. “Eighteen million pounds!”.  And suddenly my previously sleeping cat appeared by my side, staring at me, with a curious expression on his face and his ears pricked.  And then it dawned on me.  The shock of the news had caused me to say “Eighteen million pounds” in a voice so high that it shocked my cat.  A voice so high that out of the two of us, only he could hear it.  A voice so high that Keith Richards on the seventh day of a bender in an opium den would have to gaze upward to see it.  Using a telescope.

    3.  They’re Incomprehensible.  After a bit of a lie down, during which my voice fell back down to Earth from the upper ionosphere and my cat got on with some urgent dozing, I tried to digest the news.  Nope.  It doesn’t compute.  There is nothing about this news that isn’t baffling and incomprehensible, and I’m married to a woman and live in Yorkshire, so I’m one of the world’s foremost authorities on baffling and incomprehensible.

    4.  The Money.  Eighteen million pounds, to be exact (I may have already mentioned this).  Now eighteen million pounds isn’t what it used to be.  Time was when eighteen million pounds could probably buy you a Premier League winning squad, but those days are gone and with Manchester City paying silly money for every world-class player out there, transfer fees are currently sky-high.  But Darren Bent isn’t a world-class player, and Man City aren’t trying to buy him (they already have Jo) so how in all the name of all that is holy can anyone justify paying eighteen million pounds for Darren Bent?  Darren Bent!  He was overpriced at sixteen and a half million when he signed for Spurs four years ago and he looked a better player back then with more potential.  How is he one and a half million pounds better now?  We’ve all seen the sitter he famously missed against Portsmouth and yes, Sandra Redknapp could have scored it.  With her eyes closed.  How can a club that didn’t back its previous manager with transfer funds at the start of the season now justify spending eighteen million pounds now.  On Darren Bent?  Rafael van der Vaart has been the best signing in the Premier League this season and he only cost eight million.  Is Darren Bent ten better than van der Vaart?  Really?

    5.  It’s Aston Villa.  Last season, a move to Villa would have looked like a step-up for Darren Bent.  But this season Steve Bruce has got Sunderland playing fantastic football (except against Newcastle) and they’re an improving squad in the hunt to get European football next year.  And Darren Bent is an integral part of the first team.  Villa, on the other hand, are hovering alarmingly above the relegation zone and are fielding a team half full of old men and children every match; it’s a bit like the home team in Berlin in 1945, except that they’re managed by Gerard Houllier.  Why would anyone want to change to that side?

    Is this a logical move?

    6.  It’s Greedy.  The only thing that can possibly be motivating this move from the top of the Premier League to the bottom is money.  It can’t be to improve his game by working with Houllier and it doesn’t seem likely that he wants to return to the Championship, so it must be solely for the money.  But it’s not as if he’s earning a pauper’s wage, he’s a Premier League football player!  How much more money can he possibly need?  There can’t have been avarice on this scale since…well, okay…it happens every day, but outside of banking and parliament, there can’t have been such a naked example of greed since the dawn of time.  Or perhaps earlier.

    7.  Breaking News.  As I’ve been writing this the fee has changed.  Now it’s twenty four million pounds!  It’s gone up.  Now he’s three times better than van der Vaart.  In fact, Fernando Torres only cost Liverpool twenty million.  So Darren Bent is now better than Fernando Torres.  I give up!  This can’t be real, I’m just going to assume that it’s all some sort of strange dream and hope that when I wake up this whole story isn’t here.  There’s no place like home…There’s no place like home…

  • 7 Reasons That The Pole Vault is Weird

    7 Reasons That The Pole Vault is Weird

    It’s almost Christmas, dear readers, and what better and more seasonal topic is there to ruminate over than the pole vault?  Well, possibly just about any other topic but, as I was lying in bed, unwell, with a bit of a fever, my thoughts naturally turned to the pole vault (well, whose wouldn’t?) and it struck me that the pole vault is really, really weird.  Here’s why.

    South Korea (Korean) Pole Vaulter Kim Yoo Suk
    …and so does your sport.

    1.  Titular Obscurity.  We all know what the pole vault is, because we’re introduced to it at a young age.  But what if we didn’t know?  Other athletics events are titularly obvious; the high jump; the long jump, we know what to expect from those just by their names.   But what would we expect to see if told that we were about to witness the pole vault?  It sounds like someone jumping over a pole, or a cellar for keeping Polish people in.  Or leaping over a Polish person.  Or Polish people vaulting.  Or a storage area for poles.  What the name doesn’t convey is anything at all about what you can expect to see, which is a Russian man with a stick jumping over a bar (which doesn’t resemble the sort of bar that you’d want to frequent at all, it’s just another stick the other way up, balanced between two other sticks).  It’s literally all sticks.  I would rather watch the cellar full of Polish people.

    2.  It’s Cheating.  The closest relation to the pole vault must surely be the high jump; an event in which athletes compete to see who can jump the highest – something that we can all identify with and can do ourselves at home.  But the pole vault takes the noble pursuit of seeing who can leap the highest, and adds a long pole into the mix so that competitors can go three times as high as they would naturally be able to.  But why?  Of course you can go higher if you have a ruddy great stick to help you.  I can swim much faster than normal if I’m wearing flippers and Speedos with jet propulsion, but that doesn’t make me a good swimmer.   Fortunately, I doubt that they’re going to make the 100 metres backstroke with flippers and jet-thrusting-pants an Olympic event alongside the regular swimming any time soon, which is a good thing, because I’d look bloody stupid in that getup and I never win anything anyway.  And it would be weird, and we already have the pole vault for that.

    3.  They’re Missing The Point.  Pole vaulters vault to see who can vault the highest, but that’s not even the point of vaulting.  Because vaulting originated as a way for the Dutch to cross dykes (everyone glad that I’m not AA Gill at this moment?  Good, me too).  So the true measure of the vaulter’s prowess should be distance.  In short, they’re doing it wrong.  Let’s make them vault over a river; that would be true to the origins of the sport and a damned sight more entertaining.  They’re missing the point of their own sport.

    4. Exclusion.  It keeps better events out of the Olympics.  Because I don’t need to know who can jump very high with the help of a big stick.  I want to see people test the limits of human performance without artificial aid.  Do you know what I want to know?  I want to know how fast people can spin, because we just don’t know that.  I propose the one minute spin, an event in which each competitor stands within a circle a metre in diameter and has a minute in which to spin as many times as possible (clockwise or anti-clockwise, it’s freestyle), and the winner is the person who attains the highest rate of RPM.  That’s what I want to see, and then I want to watch them trying to walk back to their chairs and attempting to put their tracksuit bottoms back on.  Because that sort of spectacle would make the Olympics ten times better.

    5.  The Equipment Is Unwieldy.  And what right-minded person would take up the bloody sport in the first place?  If I were tall, athletic and good at going over bars (rather than sitting behind them. Still, two out of three isn’t bad) I’d choose the high jump.  Because it’s exactly the same as the pole vault, but you don’t have to lug a pole around with you as a part of your kit.  Because taking up the pole vault is like taking up the double bass or the tuba.  It’s absolutely ridiculous.  What if you were reliant on public transport?  How would you fancy trying to get on a rush-hour tube train with a seventeen foot long pole?  It’s difficult enough with a modestly proportioned holdall or a large satchel.  Okay, so you’d be able to hold the doors open for as long as it took to get on but, I speak with absolute confidence here, it would be a bit burdensome.  In fact, it would be a faff.  In much the same way that holding up the world was a faff for Atlas.

    6.  Double Entendre.  There is literally nothing that you can say about pole vaulting that isn’t a double entendre.  After all, it’s a sport which involves physically exerting yourself until you’re panting and thrusting a long, rigid shaft into a box before you briefly soar heavenward and eventually end up lying sweaty and exhausted on a mattress with a horizontal pole.  And if there isn’t scope for euphemism, metaphor, allusion and plain seaside postcard bawdiness there then…um…well there just clearly is.  And Wikipedia isn’t even trying for innuendo when it says, “…pole stiffness and length are important factors to a vaulter’s performance.”  It is impossible to discuss the pole vault without innuendo.

    7.  Confusion.  Because while the name pole vault, as we have established, is misleading, once you’ve accepted the illogic of it, you’re in for further frustration and disappointment.  When I was four years old and I started school, you can have absolutely no idea how excited I was when I was told that in the school gym there was a vaulting horse.  A vaulting horse, I thought with wide-eyed astonishment.  That’s the most exciting thing I’ve ever heard in my life.  They’ve got a horse that can vault!  A raging stallion that can shoot itself into the sky with the aid of a pole!  A pony that can rocket over a lofty bar!  A mare that can soar through the air and land on a mattress!  They’ve got a wondrous, magical creature!  The most awesome beast I ever will see!  They’ve got an athletic super-horse!  They’ve got…that wooden thing in the corner that looks like a weird shed for midgets? What the hell is that? Is life always going to be like this?

  • 7 Reasons I Will Watch The X-Factor Next Year

    7 Reasons I Will Watch The X-Factor Next Year

    Before 20 million of you groan, this isn’t one of those ‘The X-Factor is rubbish’ posts. I have long adhered to the maxim, ‘if you don’t like it, switch it off’. Which is something I have accomplished in every year previous to this one. This year though, I lived with one of the 20 million. Which meant I saw more of it than I really wanted to. Next year, though, it’s not happening. Unless these drastic changes are made.

    7 Reasons I Will Watch The X-Factor Next Year

    1.  Louis Walsh. Quite simple, he must stop being a twat. And by that I mean, he must stop being a twat. I like to be challenged intellectually, which is why I call my parents during the show. What I can’t stand is people stating the bloody obvious. And that includes Walsh saying, “Matt, you’re in the final”. Yes, obviously he’s in the bloody final. If Walsh stops repeating everything I can find out by pressing the ‘i’ on my remote control then I could be in for the long-haul.

    2.  Simon Cowell. This isn’t an anti-Cowell moment, the guy has created something that makes him a lot of money, well done to him. What he must do next year, though, is stop pretending he is actually making difficult decisions. If I want to watch over-acting I can watch the bloody-awful but painfully addictive Miranda. I want him to act like he does in the supermarket when faced with the choice of either an apple or a banana. There’s no pretence here. Cowell knows he wants the banana and so he grabs it. No dramas, he just gets the job done. If he brings this attitude with him next year, we have half a chance. Assuming he also does something with his hair.

    3.  Cheryl Cole. She must lose her right hand. Or, at the very least, it must be tied behind her back. I am very appreciative of the fact that she can’t help the annoying accent and the stupid comments, but she can stop doing that bloody salute. It makes her look like a camp toy soldier.

    4.  Dannii Minogue. She’s a bit like white bread. Nothing drastically wrong with her, just a bit plastic-y. I would much prefer something more substantial. Wholemeal bread. Or, as she is called in this case, Kylie. She’s just better in all areas.

    5.  Media Blackout. I don’t read the tabloids for a reason. I’m not interested in the soap opera of life and I like reading words that contain more than two syllables. I appreciate that’s two reasons, but, to be honest, there are probably five more. But that doesn’t matter. The point is, I don’t read them because I don’t like them. That is easy enough to do and you’ll be pleased to know I am very accomplished at not buying The News Of The World. The problem comes when every radio and TV show talks about it. I don’t think that’s fair. As things stand, I would have to emigrate to Venus to avoid all the nonsense spouted about the show. If there was a media blackout I’d happily go as far as Middlesborough. That sounds like a good compromise to me.

    6.  One Night Special. No dragging the series out for months on end. The show starts at 7pm on a Saturday night and is finished by 10pm. Contestants can’t sing for longer than thirty seconds each and every ten minutes someone is voted off. No, actually, they are shot.

    7.  Sports Round. I like sport, but it was seldom mentioned in the X-Factor this year. Next year, instead of the usual vote-off by the judges, there will be a sports quiz between the bottom two contestants. Hosted by Henry Blofeld. And you’ll be able to play along using the red button and throw popcorn at the TV.

  • 7 Reasons It’s A Disaster England Lost The Bid To Host The 2018 World Cup

    7 Reasons It’s A Disaster England Lost The Bid To Host The 2018 World Cup

    England 2018 Football World Cup Bid

    1.  Qualifying. England have got to do it. And that’s worrying. Ever so often they cock it up. And the qualifying campaign for the 2018 World Cup could be the ever so often.

    2.  Scotland. Russia have won the bid. That is one hell of a long way to go to just to put in a spirited performance – albeit in defeat – against Brazil and then lose 4-0 to Japan. They could have lost at St. James’ Park and then slipped back over the border unnoticed.

    3.  England. Russia is a long way to go to lose on penalties to Portugal. We could quite easily have done that at home. Or in Portugal. And the players could have done it without wearing gloves.

    4.  Children. Given that 66% of children think ‘The War Of The Roses’ has something to do with those sweets that aren’t Quality Street, England hosting the 2018 World Cup would have been the perfect opportunity for the BBC to do those profiles of the host country. Like they did in South Africa. They would have taught the youth of the year after the next seven all about England’s rich heritage. Instead they are going to learn about Russian dolls. And I don’t mean Anna Kournikova.

    5.  Economy. Let me be the first to tell you that Russia is three hours ahead of the UK. That means games during our afternoons. You can bet your last fiver that England will be playing Cameroon on a Wednesday afternoon at about 2pm BST. And it’s a game they are going to have to win having previously lost 2-1 to Romania and drawn 0-0 with a country no one has even heard of. Despite the fact that we will be rubbish, people will still be skipping work to watch the game. It’ll be enough to plunge us into a recession. Probably the same one we are in now.

    6.  Press. If England do make it through to the World Cup, for one whole day Sky News will be covering the ‘England Leave For Russia’ story. We’ll have to endure watching the England players walk up some steps and onto a plane. Probably followed by Gazza with a fishing rod and a bucket of chicken. Then six hours later we’ll have to watch them walked off the plane in Moscow. Followed by a drunk Gazza with a fishing rod and no chicken.

    7.  It’s Coming Home! If England had won the bid, we could have listened to this song while it made sense. Now, we’ll have to listen to it trying to work out how Russia is the home of football. And Baddiel and Skinner will be 54 and 61 respectively. They’ll have probably gone all Chas’n’Dave on us.