Tag: sharks

Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Go On A UK Family Holiday

Everyone loves a good old British family holiday. I have many happy memories of days wasting my pocket money in arcades (apart from one traumatic moment when I dropped my pound coin straight through a gap in the pier, much to my sister’s amusement) and chasing AWOL camping equipment around windy Devonshire camp sites. In all seriousness, there are some fantastic family holidays in the UK, and hotels which provide real luxury and entertainment for both adults and children. With that in mind, here are 7 good reasons to holiday in Britain this year.

1. Your children probably won’t get eaten by a shark. You will be relieved to know that very few people have been eaten by sharks in British waters.

2. You can legitimately moan about the weather. It’s nice to moan about the heat when you’re abroad, but it’s always tinged with guilt because you’ve been moaning about the rain all year at home. Holidaying in the UK means you can start to complain about the weather as soon as you know you’ll be in Britain all summer and continue to complain about it when you’re back, knowing you’ll receive sympathy from fellow suffering Brits.

3. You can buy a normal sized loaf of bread. There is often a distinct lack of average sliced bread in Europe outside of the UK. I enjoy a baguette as much as the next person, but sometimes you feel as though you need to give your mouth a rest from the crust aerobics (a potential hit on Dragons’ Den?) it has endured.

4. You don’t have to learn another language. Unless you’re going to Somerset, in which case you might need a translator in some circumstances.

5. You don’t have to change your money. The customary trip to the Post Office is probably one of my least favourite parts of preparing to travel abroad. You suddenly have to start worrying about exchange rates and markets and buying and selling. Consequently I usually end up taking five times what I need in Euros, worrying the whole holiday that it will be stolen from my bag, and then forgetting to convert the rest of it back when I’m home.

6. It can be nice. We Brits get a fair bit of flack about our excessive drinking, repressed (or too under-repressed) sexuality, and unhealthy desire to start up a queue wherever possible. But I’m going to stick up for us here. We are lucky to live on a beautiful island with a long and varied history and probably the coolest capital city in the world. Tourists flock here because there’s loads to see; maybe we should be making the most of it too.

7. It’s not far to get home. By the time you all want to murder each other at the end (just my family?), at least you know it’s not going to involve a 4 hour wait for a delayed plane while your dad dances with a Turkish belly dancer in the airport shop (definitely just my family).

Katherine likes to a get a feel for the history of the places she visits, and seeks out the bits which reveal something about the culture in different areas of the globe. She has travelled in four different continents and is looking forward to exploring the rest.

August 26, 2012
Pearls of Wisdom

It’s Sunday. This is Marc. I was thinking last week (as I occasionally do) and something occurred to me. I love writing 7 Reasons. I also love dictionaries of quotation. Wouldn’t it be amazing if I combined the two? The answer was emphatically yes.

I decided to fire up the Randomator (it’s up there at the top of the page where it says “Randomator!”) and harvest a few 7 Reasons quotes on various aspects of life and living. Here – in the order that I found them – are some 7 Reasons pearls of wisdom on an array of topics.

On sharks: “In my 27 years, I believe I have sleep-walked only once. And even then it wasn’t a very exciting sleep-walk, I just went looking for the bathroom in the lounge. I couldn’t imagine doing that every night though. Which is what a shark has to do. Apart from it swims instead of walking. And it rarely ends up in my lounge.”

On St Peter: “It is generally accepted that 156,000 people die everyday. That’s about one every 1.8 seconds. I don’t believe that Saint Peter has the stamina to sit there all day every day shouting out names. When does he sleep?”

On Viagra: “When a man takes one Viagra pill, his penis assumes the shape of the number 1 for a considerable time. Therefore, if a man takes seven Viagra pills, his penis must assume the shape of the number 7 for a considerable time. I’m not sure why anyone would want a 7 shaped penis – unless they wanted to make love to someone round a corner – so it’s probably the wrong number of pills to take.”

On the Dutch: “Dutch people are fantastic. They’re tall, which is more space-efficient than being fat, and they speak many languages…”

On supermarkets: “A supermarket is not a place for mankinis and it is certainly not a place for jogging in them. No one wants to see that while deciding what to have for dinner. Apologise. Immediately. And then cover yourself up with a parsnip.”

On measuring time: “I have no idea exactly how long I was in the kitchen, but I do know that I had a ginger beard when I emerged from it. I had one when I went in too, but I was definitely in there for a very long time.”

On supporting England: “My heart has sunk so many times I am amazed it’s not lodged somewhere around my groinal area.”

On the pole vault: “…it’s a sport which involves physically exerting yourself until you’re panting and thrusting a long, rigid shaft into a box before you briefly soar heavenward and eventually end up lying sweaty and exhausted on a mattress with a horizontal pole.”

On popemobiles: “A popemobile is visible from quite a distance. Even when there isn’t a pope in it.”

On new planets: “I want a planet that is 100% water. Not ice, water. I want a planet that looks like a sausage. Or, even better, a planet that morphs into a sausage from its 100% water state.”

On Christmas: “When the children burst into our bedroom at six o’clock this morning and jumped up and down on the bed screaming “It’s Christmas, it’s Christmas!” we were very moved. We don’t know whose children they were, or how they got into our house, but we were moved.”

On polar bears: “If you do insist on dating a polar bear, then you have to understand one thing. You will never be able to use your bath again.”

On flamingo farming: “With the new flamingo farms, it will be possible to stumble across fields full of pink clusters of gangly birds – all year round. This will brighten up the landscape no end, especially at sunset. Countryside campsites will become countryside camp sites where you’ll be able to enjoy the countryside camp sight of intense pink colours in tents (pink coloured).”

On the Sinclair C5: “Always a bit annoying having to get out of your vehicle and push it up a hill isn’t it? Which is why the Sinclair C5 should have come with a tow rope. Or a map that just showed hills that went down.”

On Annie Lennox: “Annie Lennox has got a problem. If her heart keeps going boom whenever she walks into an empty room – and it has been at least 25 years since it started – she needs to do one of two things. Go to the doctors or avoid empty rooms.”

On philosophy: “If a butterfly beats its wings in a forest in China does a tree fall on a deaf person on the other side of the world?”

On the French: “The French have dainty little feet. It’s a well known fact, in my mind, that they spend 56% of their time in the bathroom moisturising their toes.”

On Foursquare: “foursquare iPhone App Would Like To Add Your Current Location. Jonathan Lee doesn’t. He is very happy doing some work at home without the whole of foursquare’s Jehovah Witness community knowing where he is.”

On rhymes: “They say that nothing rhymes with orange, but this doesn’t seem quite right to me: Nothing rhymes better with puffin.”

On candles: “There are always candles on the table at dinner parties but no one knows why. I don’t want to singe my arm hair every time I pour some wine or pass the salt. Why would you want to put a fire on the table?”

On Nelson: “Fancy losing a battle to a bloke with one arm and one eye. Do you know how difficult it is steer a ship with one arm and one eye? That’s pretty lame France.”

On parenthood: “There are toys everywhere. And if you have children, you have to get rid of your toys and replace them with stuffed animals and pushchairs.”

On Turkish barbers: “…a middle-aged man – shaking and hyperactive from far too much strong coffee – holding a cut-throat razor to your jugular and gesticulating wildly, millimetres from your face, while he asks you where you’re going on holiday this year? Then he sets your ears on fire.”

On ironing: “There are only so many movements you can make with an iron – assuming you are doing the job properly anyway. Right to left or left to right seem to be the only options. I would love to do top to bottom, but whoever invented bras made it impossible.”

March 13, 2011
7 Reasons You Should Not Kayak Across The Pacific Ocean

If you are one of these hipsters who likes to engage in social networking via the likes of facebook and twitter, it is very likely that one, two or maybe all of your friends have posted a ‘funny’ piece of travel advice they have found on Google Maps. I say ‘funny’ in inverted commas because it is actually a very serious matter. The matter I refer to is the ‘joke’ that tells prospective travellers to make the journey from the USA to Japan via the Pacific Ocean in a kayak. How utterly irresponsible. There are many, many reasons why one should not do as Google Maps suggests, but to save my sanity (and your life) here are just seven.

1. Food. An average kayaker will travel at 5mph. Given that Google Maps says the distance – via Hawaii – between USA and Japan is 2,756 miles, it will take the adventurer just over 551 hours to make the journey. That’s a touch under 23 days. That’s 23 days worth of food you have to take with you. Now, assuming – as is very likely considering the departure point – that the traveller is American, that’s 89,537 calories. Or 92.7 Big Mac Meals. A kayak has storage for about 20 Big Mac Meals. You do the maths.

2. Sharks. The good news is, that out of the 440 species of shark found on our planet, only 36 of them exist in the Pacific Ocean. (Approximately. I am sure others visit for a day now and then.) Unfortunately, within the 36 species is the Great White Shark. The Great White Shark accounts for 20% of worldwide shark attacks. And, just before you come back at me with the stat, ‘of the 108 unprovoked attacks within the Pacific Ocean in the 20th century, only five included kayakers,’ let me tell you that there has never, ever been a Great White Shark attack on a plane.

3. Paddle. You may have heard of the phrase, ‘Up the creek without a paddle’. For those of you who haven’t, it basically means you are in a very serious situation and you haven’t got a bloody clue how you are going to get out of it. If you drop your paddle between the USA and Japan, you can change the word ‘creek’ for ‘Pacific’ but you can’t change the meaning.

4. Iodine. The average human will die if they go for more than three days without water. Luckily, in the Pacific Ocean you will find loads of it. Unluckily, if you drink too much of it, you will also die. That’s because it’s saltwater. If you are going to survive you are going to have to desalinate the seawater. You can do this by either attaching a desalination plant to your kayak – in which case you’ll sink before you even leave the beach – or you can use iodine. You will have to leave ten Big Mac Meals behind, but to survive it is probably worth it. The problem comes when you try and desalinate your beaker of water. You’re in a kayak. On the ocean. It’s bumpy. You have your paddle in one hand, the iodine in the other and the beaker between your legs. Now, I’ve never tried desalinating my penile appendage, but if I did, the middle of the Pacific Ocean, in a kayak, is a place where I know I couldn’t possibly fail. Unless…

5. A Sudden Wave hits the kayak. In which case the iodine might go overboard and desalinate the whole of the Ocean. You are going to murder many, many saltwater fish. And you’re heading to Japan. A country that’s built on fish (one in ten fish is eaten there). They’re not going to greet you warmly are they?

6. Tankers. Generally these are big ships who have very little interest in small-fry like you in your kayak. Mainly because they are always on auto-pilot while the captain has a snooze. If you just happen to be having a snooze at the same time, you are going to get crushed. And, just a warning, if you do survive, there is no point in shouting ‘Tanker!’ at them and waving your fist, if you do, you’ll miss the giant squid that’s about to squirt you with ink.

7. Jovan Pestoric Will Kiss You. In doing my research for this post – I came across the following Yahoo! Answers page where Lovely had asked if it was possible to kayak across the Pacific Ocean. There were only a few answers. One gave Lovely some valuable advice and advised it was not possible. They then said ‘Have fun!’. Then Javon Pestoric announced, ‘yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg if u do it ill kiss u’. I have no idea who Jovan is and, if watching people kayak over the Pacific Ocean is his kind of fetish, I don’t think I want to know either.

November 10, 2010
7 Reasons It Must Be Tough Being A Shark

I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been a shark. I guess it’s just something I’ve never found the time to do. Thankfully, for 7 Reasons purposes, it doesn’t stop me imagining what it must be like. So that is what I’ve done for the last forty-five minutes. I have imagined what it would be like being a shark. And after much deliberation – and the gruesome devouring of two pirates – I have decided it must be tough. Here’s why.

1. Reputation. They have a bad name do sharks. And by that I don’t mean names like Jason or Cliff, which are abominations of names, I just mean their reputations proceed them. And it’s not a good one. Jaws writer Peter Benchley and that film guy, Steven Spielberg, have a lot to answer for. They have made sharks appear to us as killers. Which actually only applies to about four of the 440 species of shark. I imagine it must feel as I would if someone suggested there was a bit of the French about me.

2. Sleep. I am 27 years-old. I expect no applause for this, but if you did clap your hands, many thanks. In my 27 years, I believe I have sleep-walked only once. And even then it wasn’t a very exciting sleep-walk, I just went looking for the bathroom in the lounge.* I could not imagine doing that every night though. Which is what a shark has to do. Apart from it swims instead of walking. And it rarely ends up in my lounge. No, I couldn’t swim all night. Whilst asleep. A shark has to though. Otherwise it’ll sink. And drown. And die.

3. Hammerhead Shark. Whether this species evolved after a normal-looking sleeping shark swam straight into the underside of a ship, is anyone’s guess, but it’s an ugly looking thing. As a teenager I was spotty, spectacled and slimy haired, but even then I looked better than a Hammerhead. Just. Poor git.

4. Recession. Yes, the economic downturn has had a negative effect on sharks. There just aren’t as many people going to the beach these days. Less people = less food.

5. Skills. Recent research (according to wikipedia) indicates that sharks actually posses powerful problem solving skills and excellent social abilities. Well what the bloody hell is the use in that if you’re a shark? You can’t get your fins around a sudoku puzzle book or log into facebook can you? It’s a bit like me having the ability to beat up a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Pointless.

6. Lemons. The 7 Reasons team know a lot about lemons. At least 50% of the team has been sharing their house with them for the past few weeks and the other 50% has been forming something of an irrational fear of them as a result. It’s probably a Yin-Yang thing.** What neither of us expected was that Lemon also lends it’s name to a shark. We were quite surprised. Which is probably a very different reaction to the shark’s. “What sort of shark am I father? A Great White? A Tiger? A Hammerhead? A Mako? A Bull?”.”No son, you’re a lemon.”

7. Australians. I am not sure if you would have expected anything else, but as Australians are incapable of doing anything properly (losing to England, beating Scotland, admiring Her Majesty The Queen, marmite), they also do fish and chips wrong. Especially in Victoria. In Victoria, they don’t offer you cod or plaice or haddock, oh no, their delicacy is shark and chips. Seriously. Imagine being a shark and knowing that one day you’re going to end up next to a portion of fried potatoes. You’d be gutted.

*As I expect you are wondering what happened, I will tell you. I didn’t find it.

**You may decide who is Yin. Yang will follow.

September 29, 2010
7 Reasons Ironing Is Dangerous

1. Ironing Board Covers. Goodness knows why man can’t invent a cover that actually fits the ironing board properly. I don’t know, maybe it is just one of those impossible challenges. Like building a pyramid upside down. Anyway, an ironing board cover that decides to flap around and generally not stay where it is meant to, really annoys me. So much so that I might kick out. Unfortunately, the same git who decided not to design the cover properly, also left sharp bits of metal on the underside of the board.

2. Calluses. In the same way that one might gain calluses on their finger tips as they play the guitar, I am developing them where the fingers meet the palm of the hand. Not dangerous in itself, but a sign that I am developing a reputation for being someone who likes ironing. And that is a very dangerous reputation to live with.

3. RSI. No not Repetitive Strain Injury, but Ridiculously Short Ironing-Board. How the bloody hell am I supposed to remove all the creases from the duvet cover if I can only iron 12% of its surface area at anyone time? The rest just creases itself on the floor. So I have to do it again. And again. And again. Until I become an addict. And addictions are dangerous.

4. Trip Hazards. And while we are talking about my duvet cover creasing itself on the floor, I must also point out that it’s also trip hazard. Or at least 88% of it is. Poxy thing. I have enough trouble staying upright as it is. I don’t need props.

5. RSI. No, not Ridiculously Short Ironing-Board – we’ve dealt with that already – but Repetitive Strain Injury. There are only so many movements you can make with an iron – assuming you are doing the job properly anyway. Right to left or left to right seem to be the only options. I would love to do top to bottom, but whoever invented bras made it impossible.

6. Sharks. You may be thinking, ‘How they hell do sharks make ironing dangerous?’ Trust me, if you are doing your ironing on a surfboard the last thing you need to worry about is whether your girlfriend is going to notice that iron shaped burn.

7. People. They generally don’t like it when you iron their clothes. Especially if: (a) they are complete strangers and (b) they are wearing them at the time. Usually this will result in either: (a) a punch, (b) an arrest warrant or (c) both.

July 20, 2010
007 Reasons to be a Bond Villain

James Bond: Suave, sophisticated, international jet-setting spy and cultural icon. Every boy wants to grow up to be like Bond. But isn’t he just a tad dull? Wouldn’t it be much more fun to be a Bond villain? Of course it would. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Clothes. James Bond dresses well. He usually wears smart-casual gear when he isn’t working, or a bespoke suit if he is. As nice as they are though, they’re still the clothes of an office worker. Bond villains can wear whatever they want – they’re the boss. Usually they eschew convention and go for a light-brown suit with a Nero-collar, a light-brown Mao-suit or a light-brown safari-suit. No one makes fun of them though, they might end up as anaconda food. Bond villains can wear whatever they like without criticism, even light-brown.

2. Pets. Bond villains often have pets. Usually it’s a cat, which is good, or sometimes it’s a shark, which is probably higher maintenance and less fun to stroke, but still good. James Bond has never had a pet, which is a bit weird.

3. Girls. Most Bond girls are employed by the villain, not by Bond. So if you’re the villain, you can choose whichever Bond girls you like. We have chosen Jennifer Aniston.

Caress O’Hare regarded the tall, well dressed, unconscious newcomer as he was dragged into the sumptuous office. Her emotions a heady cocktail of disdain and desire, she leaned provocatively against the front of the large desk, her miniskirt displaying her lustrous, shapely legs to full advantage. The henchmen tied the man – still attired in formal evening wear, two small drops of blood visible on the front of his white shirt – to a chair facing the desk. The burlier of the henchmen took a soda syphon from atop a filing cabinet and began to spray water into the man’s face. Bond came-to suddenly, shaking his head to dispel the liquid and exhaling to clear it from his mouth, sending a fine spray in her direction. “You bitch!” he exclaimed angrily as the water cleared from his eyes. The henchman replaced the soda syphon. From the seat behind the desk a deep, clear voice spoke.

“You have meddled enough in our affairs, Mr Bond, and have now outlived your usefulness. However, we are gentlemen. We won’t kill you if you give us seven reasons that we should spare your life.”

“Seven!” Bond was incredulous. “You inhuman monster! That’s impossible!”

As the henchmen dragged Bond away to the tank of killer cows, Caress O’Hare turned to her employer, the man with the golden bicycle. “He was a fine figure of a man, you never let me have any fun.”

“Never mind that feeble-minded establishment thug,” he said brusquely, “I have decided that we shall be married.”

“That’s wonderful,” she replied, touching her hair, “I’ve always wanted to be more than Friends.”

4. Accommodation. Bond lives in a poky London flat and, when traveling, stays at a series of dull hotels. Bond villains get to live in bunkers where people in colourful boiler suits drive Mini Mokes, in futuristic houses that rise up from the sea, in space, in a volcano, in mansions, in a house full of ladies on top of a mountain, Bond villains dwell in all sorts of cool places. These homes are stacked to the rafters with shiny stuff and amazing gadgets. The best gadget in Bond’s flat is probably his electric tie-rack.

5. Exertion. Bond has to work out a lot. There’s always some sort of emergency that requires him to show off his chest or chase things. Bond villains, on the other hand, don’t have to strip to the waist for spurious reasons and they never, ever run. They sometimes even get a monorail that transports them around their own house. Bond villains can relax and eat a pie whenever they like. Bond villains can be lazy.

6. Imagination. Bond likes to keep his killing simple, preferring to shoot people or push them off cliffs. Bond villains take a far more creative approach to inflicting death on people. Their elaborate schemes involve lasers, computers, submarines, spaceships, missiles, satellites and command centres chock-full of machines that beep, flash, whir and spin. Bond is a dullard; Bond villains are imaginative.

7. Lines. James Bond can tell you his name, own name, and how he would like his vodka-martini prepared. That’s about as eloquent as he gets. Bond villains, in contrast, spout pithy lines of intelligence, malevolence and wit. Their lines are far superior to the semi-articulate drivel spouted by Bond.

Blofeld: I had heard that you were dead.
Bond: This is my second life.
Blofeld: You only live twice, Mr. Bond.

December 15, 2009