7 Reasons

Tag: scarves

  • Russian Roulette Sunday: 7 Reasons Esq

    Russian Roulette Sunday: 7 Reasons Esq

    Men of the world, have you ever been in the company of a woman? Has that woman ever told you she used to be a gymnast? Were you wearing a scarf at the time? If you answered ‘Yes’ to all three, you need to buy the February issue of Esquire.

    7 Reasons In Esquire Feb Issue 2011

    Of course we wouldn’t just tell you to buy a magazine without good reason. Naturally, nor would we give you just one good reason. That is not how we operate. Except on Sundays. Because on Sundays, anything goes. And on Sundays we really can’t be bothered to think that much. So your one good reason to buy the February issue of Esquire is that we are in it. That’s right, after 15 months of web based reasoning we have moved across to printed press reasoning.

    I say ‘we’, in truth I should probably say ‘Jonathan Lee’, because in a rather unfortunate episode of crediting, the name ‘Marc Fearns’ is no where to be seen. When you consider that Marc devised four of the seven reasons this is a cruel and a damning twist of fate. Marc is a fairly stoic character however, and so when I (that’s Jon) sent news of our publication and lack of credit to York, I was expecting him to take it in his stride. This was Marc’s response:

    “That’s like getting an enormous, beautifully wrapped box for Christmas only to discover that it contains a brick. And a lemon. I suppose that this is some form of progress though. Well done on getting published. You know those embittered, crazy, dishevelled old men that hang around train stations and regale you with unsolicited and doubtful tales of their own accomplishments? “I devised a text-in format for Richard Bacon…I made my cat walk on foil…I used to write for Esquire…Robert De Niro stole my hat…I once met the Queen of the pigeons.” This is probably how it starts. Can you get them to put a retrospective credit in next month or should I start growing a grey beard and soiling my own trousers now?”

    Now, I know exactly what word has sprung to mind. Immature. And I know immature sprung to mind because that is exactly what it did in mine. I have little time for immaturity and over-reaction in my life, so I ignored him. Which, in hindsight, was a bit like poking a big beast with a hot poker. After twenty-four hours without contact, Marc sent me a new email with ‘New Logo’ in it’s subject. Thinking that Marc had obviously mellowed overnight and was now concentrating on the design of the site, I openned the attachment with intrigue. This is what I found:

    Jonathan Lee Logo

    Now, I know exactly what word has sprung to mind. Petty. And I know petty has sprung to mind because that is exactly what it did in mine. I have little time for pettiness in my life, so I have continued to ignore him. Which only provoked the Yorkshire beast more. We are now in a stand-off John Wayne would have been proud of. Marc keeps firing photoshopped images at me and I keep shielding myself with my ego. Time will only tell whether 7 Reasons comes through this tricky patch, but just in case we don’t, we strongly advise you to pick up Esquire now. It may be the last time you will ever see 7 Reasons name in print. Well, Jonathan Lee’s anyway.

  • 7 Reasons That We Should Run Manchester City

    7 Reasons That We Should Run Manchester City

    We, the 7 Reasons team, have decided that we should branch out a bit and take on a new challenge.  We have no allegiances with Manchester City, but we have some great ideas on how we could improve the running of the club.  Here are 7 Reasons that we should run Manchester City.

    1.  Wisdom.  It is oft said that two heads are better than one.  There are two of us, and we have one head each.  That’s two heads.  Roberto Mancini only has one head.  Okay, so his is full of football knowledge and experience while our heads are full of words and Jennifer Aniston, but the two heads will make us a better manager than Mancini, conventional wisdom says so.  It is also said that many hands make light work.  We have twice as many of those as Mancini, so we should be able to make a substantial saving on the electricity bill too.

    2.  Bellamy.  Craig Bellamy is a brilliant footballer and is in the form of his life at the moment.  We’re only too aware, however, that he has, in the past, been an unsettling influence in many of the dressing-rooms that he has been in.  We want Craig Bellamy in our team, but we don’t necessarily want him in our squad.  We will construct a separate dressing-room for Craig Bellamy and hold solo training sessions for him.  This way he can continue to play for us on the pitch, but won’t disrupt our squad.  We did love it when he was annoying Alan Shearer at Newcastle though.  Annoying Alan Shearer should be a sport in its own right.

    3.  Bell End.  No, not Craig Bellamy again.  Colin Bell.  When the City of Manchester stadium was taken over by Manchester City, their supporters voted overwhelmingly to name an end of the stadium after their hero Colin Bell.  The club, after much procrastination, overruled this decision and eventually named the West Stand after him instead.  We would reverse their decision and name the North Stand after him, thus creating the Colin Bell End.  The West Stand would become The Hat Stand, The East Stand would become The Last Stand and the South Stand would become The South End, as it’s where Manchester United supporters live.  We would also reconstruct the car park, with a new lower level parking bay spanned by The Wayne Bridge, which will be vastly expensive and a bit wobbly.

    4.  Cars.  We don’t know why Stephen Ireland does this to cars, but enough is enough.  We’re banning him from the car park.  If it were within our power to ban him from the road as well, then we would.  He will be fined a week’s wages if any Manchester City fan ever sees one of his cars anywhere, and we’ll donate that money to the Royal National Institute for the Blind, who can use it to help car-lovers that have poked their own eyes out after witnessing his automotive abominations.

    5.  Human Cloning.  Carlos Tevez is brilliant.  He’s clearly one of the best players on the planet.  It’s not so much his skill that makes him amazing to watch, it’s his desire, his energy and his propensity for turning up in every area of the pitch.  We will put in place a human cloning programme to clone Tevez.  The technology’s almost there already so it won’t be too many years before we’re able to field a whole team of Carlos Tevez, from 1-11.  Not only will they be able to outrun and outplay the opposition, they’ll also scare them silly.  What’s more, our Tevez Cloning Facility will be based in England, which will ensure that the national team will be successful for years to come too.  In order to guard all of the silverware that we’re going to win, we’ll manufacture Tevez security guards – possibly with wings and/or hooves – to guard the trophy room.  We will rule the football world and, eventually, we may use an army of them to take over the actual world.  Try not to concern yourself about that though.

    6.  Scarves.  At least 50% of the 7 Reasons team already own a sky blue scarf, so there’ll be no need for all of the supporters to go out and buy yet another new scarf in imitation of us.  We will also implement a new rule that nobody may knot their scarf in the same way as the person seated next to them.  That will introduce variety into the stands, because frankly, we were a little freaked out when we watched them play last Tuesday.

    7.  Advertisments.  We can’t top the “Welcome To Manchester” advert.  But we will keep it, and put more of them up, everywhere.  You won’t be able to walk down the street in Manchester without seeing loads of them.  We will also put them up in Manchester, New Hampshire and Manchester, Ohio.  The locals won’t have a clue what they’re about, but we don’t care.  We just want to use Carlos to frighten them a bit.  That’ll teach them to buy our chocolate factories.