Tag: Sandwiches

7 Reasons That It’s Great to be Back

We’re back! We’ve been away and while we’ve been away things have happened and that was lovely. But now we’re back, and it’s great to be back. Here are seven reasons why.

1. We’re Bigger And Better. Since we’ve been away, we’ve grown. Now we’ve come back bigger and better than ever. Bigger because Marc has used the holiday to practice his eating, and better because…well, we’re bigger than ever. More is more.

2. We’re A Force For Good. Last week we did the Osama Bin Laden gag to end all Osama Bin Laden gags and now he’s dead. Coincidence? We think not. There’s no telling what we’ll be able to bring about next just by poking fun at it. We’re hoping it’ll be untold riches or a book deal or something, but if we inadvertently end global poverty, homophobia or Masterchef then so-be-it. We make things happen.

3. We Keep France Honest. Ever alert, ever vigilant, the 7 Reasons team (well, Jon, he’s nearest) is keeping an eye on France. Now that 7 Reasons is back, there’s almost no Frenchist act of treachery or stupidity that you won’t get to know about. You’ll hear it right here first. It’ll be like being in Paris but with tea and no glass pyramid. Unless you have a glass pyramid in your house which, on balance, would be very weird. Why would you have one of those? Why?

4. We Give You A Sense Of Purpose. We post every day. Without fail*. So when 7 Reasons appears in the morning/afternoon/evening/at bedtime (delete as appropriate based on location/how slowly the team are writing that day) you know it’s a day. And that it’s a different day to yesterday. And to tomorrow, though you won’t know that until tomorrow is today, which is when a new 7 Reasons post appears. Yay!

5. We Are Refreshed, Rejuvenated, Reinvigorated And Many Other Words That Begin With Re. Before we took a break we said that we would come back more creative and so far today we’ve looked at the ceiling for a bit. We’ve also come up with a new blog idea called Lunch Wars in which we post pictures of our lunches and Lunch Wars readers get to vote for their favourite. It’s the ultimate lunch-versus-lunch death-match to the death; the most awesome epic sandwichy battle you’re ever likely to see; a titanic struggle of biblical proportions in which two sandwiches – two trained, honed butties at their physical peak – go head to head in colossal combat…

6. We Need To Do This. Because the 7 Reasons team have wives and children and fiancés and parents and siblings and nephews and nieces and cousins. And a friend. And when we’re not busy reasoning here, we’re busy hanging out with them and talking about sandwiches. And they need a break from us. They’ve grown haggard over the last fortnight. Haggard. And they get very upset when their sandwiches lose.

7. We’re Shiny And New. Look! Look around**, we’ve revamped almost everything. There’s stuff that lights up and stuff that moves and stuff that changes colour and probably stuff that stays still too. And there’s some stuff over there. Just look around and click on things. You can’t wear them out (hopefully). Go forth and look at the shiny-shiny. We’ll be back tomorrow***.

*With some fail.

**If you’re reading this on your Kindle stop looking around.

***Today?

May 3, 2011
7 Reasons That Bananas Are Amazing

1. Nutrition. Bananas are very good for you. They’ve got sucrose, glucose, fructose and things that don’t end in ose. There’s fibre, potassium and iron. They have five times more vitamin A content than an apple, they also contain lots of B and C vitamins, and probably some from further along the alphabet too. And, if you live (approximately) a 22.5 minute run from your nearest banana shop you can get all of the energy you need for a run to, and back from, the shop by eating a single banana before you go*.

2. The banana is like the sandwich. That may strike you as odd, but it’s true. There are many varieties of banana, but the one we all know and love; the one that we commonly call the banana is, in fact, called the Cavendish banana. It’s named after William Cavendish, the sixth Duke of Devonshire and the sandwich, as we all know, is named after John Montagu, the fourth Earl of Sandwich. Hence, the banana is like the sandwich. These men didn’t invent or cultivate them, they were merely notable early consumers of their eponymous products. Perhaps, using this system, Twitter will eventually be called Stephen Fry and the iPad will be known as the Git. Who can tell?

3. Flavour. Bananas taste of bananas, which is great. I like bananas, and if they tasted of tomato or houmous they’d be quite disappointing. But as it is, bananas taste like a sort of a wholesome, less rich, version of banana milkshake. Or a less cakey version of banana cake. Or a more banana-y version of not eating a banana. Look, just eat a banana and figure it out for yourself. They’re jolly nice.

4. Ripeness. When bananas aren’t ready to be eaten, they are green. When they are ready to be eaten, they are yellow. Simple. And when they’ve gone off and they shouldn’t be eaten, they’re brown. There aren’t many foods that so obviously and vividly communicate their own state of edibility. I want to describe the bananas inbuilt colour-coding system as awesome but it’s better than that. It hasn’t just provoked some awe in me, it’s provoked much awe. The colour-coding system of the banana is awemuch. It’s so amazing that I’ve invented a word.

5. Portability. Bananas are supremely portable. They require no implement to eat them, no special container to store them in (they already come wrapped in one) and they don’t need to be cooked. When at home, this is my daily breakfast: A banana, a glass of sparkling water and an espresso. That’s three things to carry away from the kitchen. But I only have two hands. Fortunately though, the banana’s innate portability means that it fits perfectly into my trouser pocket. Thus, I avoid making a second journey to-and-from the kitchen. Sadly, this practice is also the source of many a ribald remark, such as:

Wife: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

Me: It’s a banana in my pocket.

Or

Houseguest: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

Me: It’s a banana in my pocket.

Or:

Houseguest 2: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

Me: It’s a banana in my pocket.

Laugh? We nearly…no no, we didn’t. Anyway, the banana can travel anywhere, occasionally without provoking poor innuendo.

6. Prop. You can use it to do all sorts of things. You can make a smile with it – not one an American would like as bananas are yellow, but a smile nonetheless – and you can make an unsmile (what the hell is the opposite of a smile called?).

You can use it as a pretend gun, which is especially useful if people keep enquiring if that’s “…a banana in your pocket…?” You can also pretend it’s a telephone, but then you have to talk into a banana, which makes you look a little bit mad. And you won’t hear anyone talking back. Hopefully.

7. Novelty. Bananas are exotic. Well, unless you’re reading this in Latin America, Africa or Southeast Asia, in which case they probably seem quite humdrum. But in the UK we import all of our bananas. This means that during the Second World War there weren’t any to be had at all; my own father didn’t see his first banana until he was seven years old. Bananas seemed so novel and exotic back then, that during towards the end of WWII people actually advertised their banana flavoured barley pudding mixture(!) by drawing attention to their lack of bananas. Think on that, the next time you’re eating a banana.

*Never eat a married banana.

June 17, 2010
7 Reasons The Birthday Tea Could Have Gone Better

1. The Present. Make sure you give it to your girlfriend before she goes to work. Otherwise you will spend all day worrying about whether she will like it or not. In this state of anxiety you may forget the more important things. Like taking your wallet to Sainsburys with you.

2. Balloons. These should not be blown up near cacti. Not only will it give you heart palpitations, you will also feel a massive prick.

3. Banners. It really helps if you notice before you get to the till that you have picked up a ‘Congratulations Birthday Boy!’ banner instead of, for example, a ‘Happy Birthday Girlfriend’ one.

4. Birthday Cake. No matter how sturdy the box looks, the cake really, really should not be placed at the bottom of your shopping bag. At an angle. Unless you want to lose the walnut topping that is.

5. Cocktail Sticks. There really is no point in buying them if you forget to buy something to put on them. And no, mini Gingerbread Men are not an adequate substitute for mini sausages.

6. Sandwiches. Generally, cucumber and cream-cheese sandwiches taste like they should when they have cucumber in them. Otherwise they just taste like cream-cheese sandwiches. It seems pretty obvious, but you’ll be amazed at the number of people who forget.

7. The Gingerbread Men. Don’t open them and have a couple at lunchtime just because you are hungry. It makes it look like you have decided to buy party food because you want to eat it and not because you think it will make your girlfriend smile.

*None of these are from personal experience. Or at least not all of them.

April 27, 2010