7 Reasons

Tag: penis

  • 7 Reasons to be…an Icetalian!

    7 Reasons to be…an Icetalian!

    I’ve often been told that I’m more Italian than English.  I like coffee, tiramisu and risotto more than I like tea, trifle and Yorkshire puddings; I like Fiat 500s more than I like Minis; I like sun more than rain; I like waving my arms around more than I like…er…not waving my arms around.  All the signs are there.  But last week I had a bit of a revelation.  As I was celebrating March 1st (and the end of my traditional February abstinence) a friend tweeted me.  March 1st is Beer Day in Iceland, he informed me.  That’s funny.  March 1st – the first day of the month that has my name at the start of it (this is Marc, by the way, not Jon.  The month with his name in it is Jonuary) – is my Beer Day too.  Perhaps I’m not just Italian, I thought, perhaps I’m part-Icelandic too.  Maybe I’m…um… an…Icetalian!  From Icetalia!  Even if I’m not, here are seven reasons that I should be.

    the flags of Italia and Iceland

     

    1.  What’s in a Name? Is there a cooler word than Icetalian?  Well, perhaps mantacular or shabazzle, but they’re only really words in my head.  If you stack Icetalian up against actual words that other people would recognise it comes out rather well.  It contains ice, which is an actual cool thing, and talian, which isn’t a thing at all, though it still manages to be evocative of Vespas and sunglasses.  If you’re an Icetalian you’re instantly cool.  It’s like being named Jet or Raffaela.

     

    2.  Cuisine.  Icetalian food would be the best fusion-cuisine in the world.  Italian cooking is already renowned the world over, featuring tiramisu, pasta, tiramisu, risotto, tiramisu, ice cream, tiramisu, bean stews, tiramisu and tiramisu.  In short, it’s awesome.  How, you’re probably wondering, can that be improved?  Well, Icelandic food consists of salted fish, salted lamb, more salted fish and some other salted stuff.  So essentially Icetalian cuisine would be Italian food but with more salt.  And salt, as we know, improves all food.  Has anyone with a tall white hat ever stuck a spoon in a pan and, on tasting the contents, said “Hmm.  I think it needs less salt”?  No, of course they haven’t.   Everything always requires more salt.  Even salt, probably.

     

    3.  Sightseeing.  What’s the most famous tourist attraction in Iceland?  No, it’s not Kerry Katona’s prawn ring, it’s the Icelandic Phallological Museum; that’s right, a whole museum devoted to the penis.  But Iceland’s a cold place, whereas Icetalia (which would have a more temperate climate halfway between that of Iceland and Italy) would be much warmer.  This would make the Icetalian Phallological Museum twice as impressive as the Icelandic one, even though it would have the same number of exhibits.

     

    4.  Expression.  Italians are a voluble and wildly expressive people who, in conversation, communicate as much with their gestures as they do with their words.  The people of Iceland, being rather more reticent Scandinavian types do not.  They prefer to emote by not expressing anything at all.  Ever.  Icetalians would be a happy and healthy blend of these two styles of expression.  If it goes right, they’ll be similar to the English and will express themselves in a physically moderate and understated way, and if it goes wrong then during conversation half of the average Icetalian’s body will remain absolutely, rigidly still while the other half will be an exuberant, wildly-flailing blur of expression that could resemble Riverdance: Officially The Stupidest Thing In The History Of The World.*  I’m hoping that it will be the former, obviously.  A land where people communicate with each other via the medium of Riverdance: Officially The Stupidest Thing In The History Of The World would be dreadful.  And deafening.

     

    5.  Venice.  I love Venice.  It’s bloody marvellous.  If they (whoever they are) were taking nominations for an eighth wonder of the world, I would nominate Venice.  But the Icetalian Venice would be even better, because it would be almost exactly the same as the Italian version, but with ice skating during the winter months and sleighs instead of gondolas.  And there’d be fewer American tourists because they’d fall through the ice.  It would be a true winter wonderland as well as being a summer one.

     

    6.  The Flag.  The Icetalian flag would contain the colours red, blue, green and white.  That’s all of the primary colours on one piece of cloth plus white, which is the colour of nothing when the lights are on.  It doesn’t contain black, which is nothing in the dark, but you can’t have everything.  Though with all of the primary colours, perhaps you can.  In any event, the Icetalian flag will clash with just about every imaginable outfit so nationalism will be kept to a minimum.  It’ll be a nicer place to live.

     

    7.  Names.  Icetalians would have better names than just about everyone else.  In Iceland, the tradition is that the first name of the father becomes the surname of his sons and daughters.  Thus the daughters of Gudmund Magnusson get the surname Gudmunsdottir, and the sons of Gudmund Magnusson get the surname Gudmundson.  Why this doesn’t lead to irresponsible people giving their children the first names Son and Alison, I don’t know.  Then, if their children did the same thing (any why wouldn’t they?), they’d end up with grandchildren called Son Sonson and Alison Sondottir. Within several generations, the Icelandic telephone directory would contain names likes Alison Sonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsdottir and Son Sonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonson and would be visible from space.  It would be brilliant.  Why no one from Iceland had ever invited me to name anything I don’t know.  Icetalian names would also be amazing (and only slightly shorter).  Icetalian people would be called things like Ambrosiano Giordanoson and Ausilatrice Zoccolittosdottir.  This would make introducing people to each other much more fun and ink manufacturers would be the richest people in the land.  Oh, and this would also mean that school would finish at about the same time that the calling of the register ended, so teachers wouldn’t have to prepare lessons and children wouldn’t have to sit through them.  The people of Icetalia would be thick, but happy.  And work in my ink factory.  I’m moving to Icetalia, it’s going to be brilliant!

     

    *And now that I’ve mentioned it, how did Riverdance: Officially The Stupidest Thing In The History Of The World even come about?  Someone must have done it first.  Why didn’t other people just point and laugh at them?  And who the hell was the second person to do it?  Who, on witnessing someone clippity-clopping about like a deranged horse with a broomstick up their bottom and total paralysis of the arms and head, would think I want to dance like that person?  There is nothing about Riverdance: Officially The Stupidest Thing In The History Of The World that makes any sense.  At all.

     

  • 7 Reasons That Shaking Hands Is Weird

    7 Reasons That Shaking Hands Is Weird

    Shaking hands is a well established custom.  That doesn’t mean it isn’t a bit strange though.  Here are seven reasons why.

    The hands of two suited men engaged in a handshake (hand shake, shaking hands).

    1.  Movement. We all know that the handshake developed as a way of demonstrating that the participants were unarmed (that’s the hand part).  But what’s with the shake?  Why do we move our hands up and down?  Why don’t we move our hands from side to side or in a circular motion?  Why don’t we jump up and down or stand on one leg?  Why not dance the Hokey-Cokey or play the pat-a-cake pat-a-cake game – or am I thinking about Freemasons?  Anyway, the up-and-down thing is odd.

    2.  Spouse. I once congratulated my wife for something or other (forgetting what for is probably the reason I’ve never been nominated for Husband of the Year) by very formally, and firmly, shaking her hand and saying, “Well done, Darling” in a plummy accent.  Though funny, it was quite a strange experience.  We’d been together for ten years by then and had never shaken hands before.  She spontaneously erupted into giggles several times during the remainder of the day.  She still thinks it’s one of the funniest things ever.  If you want a weird experience, give your partner a firm handshake.

    3.  Women. Shaking hands with a woman is strange.  Kissing a woman is not strange. That’s why I’m a kisser, not a shaker.  Men – during their boyhood – are trained to shake hands:  Women – during their boyhood – are not trained to shake hands and, consequently, they don’t do it well.  I don’t know what women are being trained to do while they’re not being taught to shake hands.  Possibly they’re being taught to smell nice.

    4.  Hygiene. I’m sure we’ve all heard various statistics about the amount of urine found in bar snacks.  The urine gets there via contact with hands.  Unwashed hands.  The same hands that people want you to shake.  Shaking hands is an exchange of urine then.  Lovely.  (There are actually very good reasons not to wash your hands in the men’s toilets at bars – mostly to do with having to touch the taps and the hand dryer.  Here’s the rationale:  If I thought my hands were dirty, what’s the last part of my body that I would touch with them?  That’s right.  And I’m not so inept that I ever piss on my own hands, so they don’t need washing afterwards.  And I now realise that I’ve become distracted from writing about handshakes and am writing about my penis, which is not really how Jon or I envisaged 7 Reasons going:  It’s more how I imagined psychotherapy going.  So, anyway, back to handshaking…)

    5.  (…or not) Penises. While it’s on my mind:  Men spend a lot of time touching their penises.  Also, men shake hands a lot.  So, when men shake hands, they’re touching penises by proxy.  This is bad.  Heterosexual men do not want to do this.  In fact, direct penis-to-penis contact between two heterosexual men is the worst thing that can happen in the world:  worse than anything that can happen in the Large Hadron Collider; worse than being eaten by a horse; worse even, than a day-trip to Whitstable.  The proxy-penis-contact that comes about by the shaking of hands isn’t as bad as direct contact, but it’s definitely not a good thing.  I may never shake another hand again after that thought.

    6.  Left-handed-handshakes. The Italian word for left is sinistra, it’s where we get the word sinister from.  Obviously, in these enlightened times, we know that there’s nothing inherently evil about being left-handed.  Handshaking with your left hand is a thoroughly bad thing though.  The correct response to anyone who offers you their left hand is to take a step backwards, stare at their hand and think “git”.

    7.  Dogs. One of the first things most dog-owners train their dog to do is proffer its paw for a “hand” shake.  Why?  Why is this pointless exercise given priority over training them to use the toilet, teaching them not to chase cyclists or getting them not to stick their many-toothed-snouts into the crotches of terrified house-guests?  Who the hell wants to shake hands with a dog?

  • 7 Reasons That Seven is the Wrong Number

    7 Reasons That Seven is the Wrong Number

    A big, red number 7 (seven)

    1.  Socks.  Our washing machine broke recently.  It was calamitous.  I was down to my last seven socks when the washing-machine-man came and mended it – and seven is certainly the wrong number of socks.  Only two of them matched each other – the pink ones.  The other five were variously; ropey, frumpy, crappy, bobbly and greasy.  Which reminds me.

    2.  Dwarves.  Seven is too few dwarves for a good song: “Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, it’s off to work we go” is the best you can expect from seven dwarves, and that’s rubbish.  No one’s that jolly on their way to work (except dolphin trainers, and that’s not even a real job).  But if you get a greater number of dwarves and paint them orange, they’ll sing “Ooompa-Loompa, doompadee-doo”, which are far superior lyrics that everyone can relate to.  And they’ll make you some chocolate while they sing them.

    3.  Maths.  Seven is a prime number, and it was while I was trying to come up with a mathematical explanation of a prime number that this occurred to me:  We call maths maths.  Americans call maths math.  If we follow the logic of the British way of doing things, then surely mathematical should be mathsematical, mathematics should be mathsematics and a mathematician should be a mathsematician.  But they’re not.  This means that we are wrong and Americans are right – which is very, very, very wrong indeed.   Thinking about the number seven made me realise this.

    4.  Viagra.  When a man takes one Viagra pill, his penis assumes the shape of the number 1 for a considerable time. Therefore, if a man takes seven Viagra pills, his penis must assume the shape of the number 7 for a considerable time. I’m not sure why anyone would want a 7 shaped penis – unless they wanted to make love to someone round a corner – so it’s probably the wrong number of pills to take.  I don’t know how taking 7 Viagra pills would affect a woman*, but I would advise against it; it may tousle the hair…or…something.

    5.  Human pyramid.  Seven is the wrong number of people to construct a human pyramid.  You can make one with six, but then the seventh person is just standing about, feeling left-out and unloved.  Or it will lead to a human rhombus, and no one wants one of those.

    6.  Brides.  Exhaustive research on Wikipedia has yielded the statistic that between 2% and 13% of people are gay.  This means that, in the film Seven Brides For Seven Brothers, seven is the wrong number of brides.  The brothers (0.14 to 0.91 of whom would be gay) would require 6.09 to 6.86 brides and between 0.14 and .91 additional grooms**.  So, logically, the film should be called 6.09 to 6.86 Brides and Between 0.14 and 0.91 Grooms For Seven Brothers.  I’m only about 85% sure that my calculations are correct but I am 100% certain that at least 50% of the 7 Reasons team now has a headache.

    7.  Reasons.  It’s a well known fact that there are only six reasons for anything.  Don’t just take my word for it.  Ask Jonathan Lee, he’s an expert.

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    *I’m not a real doctor

    **Nor am I a mathsematician.