7 Reasons

Tag: monkey

  • 7 Reasons These Phrases Just Don’t Make Sense

    7 Reasons These Phrases Just Don’t Make Sense

    Getting On Like A House On Fire

    1.  Get On Like A House On Fire. So this means you supposedly get on really well with someone. Marc and I, for example, get on like a house on fire. Unfortunately, if a house is on fire, it is going to burn to the ground. Soon there will be no house. There will be ashes. It will be the end. So really, if people get on like a house on fire, it actually means the relationship won’t last. So like I say, Marc and I get on like a house on fire.

    2.  Keep Your Eyes Peeled. Eyes are not like onions. Or carrots. Or potatoes. In fact they are not like any food substance. Unless we are talking sheep’s eyes. But we are not. We are talking about human eyes. And how silly it is to tell someone to keep an eye out for something by encouraging them to get the peeler out of the drawer.

    3.  Bringing Home The Bacon. This is fine if you’re a butcher, but if you are a banker or a fireman or a solicitor or a professional ferret tickler, you don’t want to have to keep bringing bacon home every night. Particularly as the ferret will probably eat it. ‘Bringing Home The Money’ makes far more sense. Especially if you’ve just robbed Barclays.

    4.  Drink Like A Fish. Obviously we all know that this means to drink a lot. The correct phrase, however, should be ‘Drink Like A Saltwater Fish’. Freshwater fish, unlike their saltwater friends, do not drink water. They absorb it. Why does this matter? Well if you know that someone who drinks like a saltwater fish is coming round to the party, you can give them a glass of fizz. If, on the other hand, you know they drink like a freshwater fish, well you can run them a bath.

    5.  Saved By The Bell. No one, in the history of the world, has ever been saved by a bell. A bell is an inanimate object and thus not able to save people. If, for example, you were shot at but the bullet ricocheted off a bell, well you wouldn’t have been saved by the bell you would have been saved by your wise positioning. Or the sniper’s inaccuracy.

    6.  What A Load Of Codswallop. We use this to describe our 7 Reasons posts quite a lot. It means, ‘what a load of nonsense’ of course. But it shouldn’t. By my calculations it should mean, ‘what a load of fishes punch’ or ‘what a load of fishes whack’. Since when did ‘fishes whack’ mean ‘nonsense’?

    7.  It’s Cold Enough To Freeze The Balls Off A Brass Monkey. No it’s not. It’s never cold enough to do that. It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a 7 Reasons co-founder, maybe. But not off a brass monkey. And while we are on the subject, has anyone ever seen a brass monkey with balls? Or is that the point? Have they all been frozen off? Okay, you’ll have to disregard this reason. It actually makes perfect sense.

  • 7 Reasons That Monkeys Are More Advanced Than Humans

    7 Reasons That Monkeys Are More Advanced Than Humans

    A pictorial depiction of the ascent of monkey, a parody of the classic image, The Ascent Of Man
    The Ascent Of Monkey

    1.  Discernment. Now I know that I’m generalising here about monkeys.  I know that there are many different types of monkey and that they’re all very different to each other.  But if you put a barbary ape and a baboon in front of me, I wouldn’t be able to tell you which one was which.  And I’d be very scared.  The baboon would know that it isn’t a barbary ape though, and the barbary ape would know that it isn’t a baboon.  Thus, they are both more advanced than I am.  And less frightened too.

    2.  Feet. Monkeys – some of them – have amazing feet, which they use every bit as adroitly and dextrously as they use their hands.  Humans, however, do not.  Human feet are almost unmalleable blocks of flesh and bone that are useful only for standing on and for kicking things.  We can just about pick up a pen with our toes, but that’s it.  Monkeys can hang upside-down from trees using theirs.  I can’t.  I fell on my head when I tried.

    A Two (2) toes sloth hanging upside down from a tree
    Show off!

    3.  Adaptation. The most advanced of animals evolve over time to adapt to their environs.  Monkeys have developed all-over body hair that protects their delicate skin from the effects of the sun and also keeps out the cold.  Humans, however, are less advanced and have to rely on finding or manufacturing artificial coverings to protect themselves with.  There is evidence of some evolution – humans do have a small amount of body hair – but the stupid creatures usually remove it, mostly with primitive and dangerous tools that often cause them injury.  Pillocks.

    4.  Social Position. The higher echelons of our society – Viscounts, Lords etc – live on vast country estates which we, the hoi polloi, finance by turning up in our cars and in coach parties to drive around their grounds and observe them in their natural habitat.  Monkeys, similarly to the landowning gentry, also live on vast country estates that we finance by turning up in our cars and coaches to observe them up-close.  Thus, monkeys have attained a higher social standing than most of the UK’s population.  They’re also above the law, seemingly able to vandalise our cars with impunity.

    5.  Environmental Impact. Humans are still trying to decide whether global warming is man-made or naturally-occurring.  The one thing that nobody’s proposing though, is that it is the fault of monkeys, who seem to live in an environmentally sustainable manner.  Monkeys are also not responsible for other environmental catastrophes, such as the Deepwater Horizon oil spill, the Italian dioxin crisis, or the construction of Scarborough.

    6.  Geography. Like humans, monkeys work too.  Their labour is primarily concerned with food and shelter.  You don’t see troops of commuting monkeys  though; they are clever enough to realise that life is a lot easier if you live where you work.  People, on the other hand, often travel hundreds of miles to get to their place of work.  They all do it at the same time and then spend their free-time complaining about it, often to me.  They’re idiots.

    7.  Other Matters. Monkeys are not responsible for the McFlurry, mobile phones that play music through speakers, Jedward, Hitler, golf, tinsel, dancing, the A bomb, jigsaw puzzles, soap operas, the defection of Adrian Chiles to ITV or the Trojan virus that affected our website last Friday (sorry if you were inconvenienced by that); people are.  Monkeys are clearly more advanced than us.