7 Reasons

Tag: merchandise

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons My Experience With Northern Rail Was Shocking

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons My Experience With Northern Rail Was Shocking

    Okay.  This has never happened before, and it may never happen again but today, we’re bringing you a guest post on a Tuesday.  This is not because we’ve decided we can’t be bothered writing something ourselves, or that we can’t get enough material from the world not ending.  We could possibly write about that for a week.  We’re posting this today because well, frankly, a friend of one of the 7 Reasons team has just been through a ghastly and iniquitous experience at the hands of Northern Rail and fortunately – as a former journalist – he was in a great position to write it up for us.  We have, in the parlance of his former trade, a scoop.  So here’s indie-popster, former-journalist, father, husband-to-be and public relations man Conrad Astley to tell his tale of woe.  This should be a cautionary tale to us all.  Take it away, Con.

    The logo of the rail company, Northern Fail.

    When it comes to writing that autobiography, everyone needs their chapter about standing up for truth and justice. Their tale about sticking it to The Man. Their clammy-palmed, seat-of-the-pants courtroom drama.

    Well, here’s mine. And it was all about fifty pence.

    1.  Yes, You Read That Right. 50p.  Enough money to buy a packet of chewing gum, a bag of crisps, maybe a chocolate bar if you stick to the cheaper brands.  Enough to buy roughly one seventh of a pint if you drink in tastefully lit venues full of attractive, fashionable people, or maybe a quarter of a pint if you prefer hostelries that smell of dog hair and failure.  Yet for some reason, Northern Rail – one of the country’s biggest train companies who operate services from Carlisle to Crewe – insisted this sum was worthy of a criminal court’s time.

    2.  This Went On For A Long Time.  The story started last June, when I was making a return journey from Hyde to Manchester Piccadilly and mistakenly bought the wrong ticket. Yes, for readers outside Greater Manchester, that is Hyde of Harold Shipman fame.  For reasons far too tedious to go into here, I was travelling into the city centre from one station, with the intention of returning to another several hundred yards away.

    3. I Made A Mistake, But In Good Faith.  As the two stations were so close, I thought both journeys cost the same amount, so for the sake of convenience I bought a return ticket from the station I was returning to. It turned out I was wrong, and the difference between the two journeys was in fact 50p.  A Northern Rail official brought me to one side, took my name and address and, despite the tiny amount involved, told me in no uncertain terms that I had committed a criminal offence which carried a maximum fine of £1,000.

    4.  I Tried To Make Amends.  I tried explaining that this was an honest mistake and offered to pay a fixed penalty notice – once in person to the official and twice in writing – and even sent them a letter of complaint as a shot across the bow.  What happened next can only be described as strange. I received a letter of apology from Northern – admittedly for the fact they had not initially replied to my complaint rather than for the incident itself – along with a free one-day travel voucher.  I assumed the whole incident had been forgotten about. After all, nobody would prosecute someone they’d apologised to in writing, would they?

    5.  Suddenly...  It turns out they would. Fast forward to the first week of the new year, and a court summons landed on my doormat, accompanied by a list of witness statements and a sheet explaining that I was being prosecuted under legislation dating back to the great Victorian age of steam.  Was I going to be transported to the colonies? Not quite, but somewhat disturbingly, it did state I could – technically – be sent to prison for up to three months.*

    Of course, I didn’t need to worry and this was no big deal. In fact, the first few legal people I spoke to said the best thing to do would be to plead guilty and go all out with the mitigation.

    After all, the worst I’d be likely to get was a conditional discharge, as well as having to pay Northern’s £100 costs. And with a full time job, a young child and a wedding coming up, I didn’t need the hassle of going through a trial.

    6.  But It Was Wrong.  But on the other hand, doing this would mean getting a criminal record, which – no matter how small the offence – I’d have had to declare whenever I applied for a job, took out an insurance policy, or went on holiday to America. Was that worth it for 50p?  Some niggling thing deep down inside said I needed to fight this.

    Now, if there ever was an advert for joining a trade union, this is it. I contacted the good people on Unison (my trade union)’s legal advice line who told me that, as the train journey had been to get me into work, this was technically employment-related and that they’d pay for my representation.

    They also advised me to plead not guilty and even got me a barrister. This was getting serious.

    The case was finally heard on 16 May, three court hearings, 11 months, countless meetings and phone calls to lawyers, and a great deal of stress later.

    7.  They Came Out With A Lovely Line.  In order to win the case, Northern needed to prove three things: that I was travelling on the train on that day, that I had bought the ticket in question, and – beyond all reasonable doubt – that I had intentionally set out to defraud them.  The prosecution said that if everyone used the railway defrauded them of fifty pence every day, the rail companies would lose a huge amount.  I can’t remember the exact amount quoted, but I do remember feeling very concerned for the shareholders.  But, as my defence barrister pointed out in his closing statement, if my intention had been to defraud anyone, I might not have chosen a station a few hundred yards away from the one where I’d embarked. Perhaps the true fraudster might have gone for one of the three other stations closer into Manchester, which would of course have carried smaller fares.  This might have been the clincher, as the magistrates eventually found me not guilty.

    If a single ounce of common sense had been applied to the situation, it would never have gone anywhere near a court, and I would not like to estimate how much this little episode cost the taxpayer.

    As a regular passenger, I pay Northern Rail the best part of a grand a year for what is frankly a shoddy service. It’s good to know where their priorities lie.

     

     

    *The 7 Reasons team added that asterisk: A young child could have been deprived of her father for three months which would surely have hampered her development, for nothing.  For absolutely no reason.  Shame on you, Northern Rail.  Shame on you.

     

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons I Don’t Want a Kindle

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons I Don’t Want a Kindle

    It’s Saturday, and the 7 Reasons team are taking a well-deserved day off, but fear not:  In charge of the 7 Reasons sofa today is Roger Williams; a Manchester-based writer, lyricist and owner of a full and luxuriant ginger beard.  Here are seven reasons that he doesn’t want a Kindle.

    An Amazon Kindle, a pencil, and in profile.

    1.  Fahrenheit 451. The primary definition of Kindle in my whopping great Collins English Dictionary (a tome so weighty and downright bookish that while it would be impossible to swallow, it would be entirely feasible to use it to, say, smash a Kindle to smithereens) is ‘to set alight or start to burn.’ Mmm. You don’t need the Enigma machine to decode the sub-conscious desires of the Satanic device’s inventors here. They clearly want us to burn books. That’s right 7 Reasons readers. Biblioclasm! Libricide! Buying a Kindle is tantamount to supporting the book incinerating activities of the Spanish conquistadors, the worst McCarthyite zealots, the Nazis and the Dove World Outreach Centre church in Florida.

    2.  If it ain’t broke don’t e-fix it. Books are the perfect marriage of function and form. They have a quality of soul which an electronic device could never match. The volumes you gather as you travel through life are a story in themselves. The spine creases of the well-thumbed volume; the stain left by the coffee you spilt when you first saw her; the enthusiastic underlinings of well-loved sections and the page corner-foldings of inspiration; the sheer sentimental, colourful, characterful accumulation of books. You can’t furnish a room with a Kindle. Unless it’s a room for a hamster. That hates books.

    3.  Books smell good (musty second hand bookshops in Holmfirth don’t count.) I’ve never smelt a Kindle but I imagine it would smell of evil.

    4.  Books have done the job perfectly well for hundreds of years. The more complicated you make something the more likely it is that something will go wrong. At no point in the annals of history (beautifully preserved because they’ve been written down, on paper) has anyone ever complained “This book has crashed” or “I wish this book would go faster.” No one has ever advised you to turn a malfunctioning novel off and on again.

    You can still read a book that’s hundreds of years old. You can’t watch videos from the early 1990s. The written word is timeless, but technology moves so fast that by the time you’re two thirds of the way through A Suitable Boy your Kindle will be in museum for obsolete things. Being bullied by a Sinclair C5.

    5.  There’s a physicality to books, a reassuring heft, a presence, whereas Kindles by comparison are…spineless. Books are transferable. How many times do you read something you love then lend it to a friend you know is going to share your enthusiasm? There’s no room for that in Kindleland. You either have to loan out your Kindle, and all that it contains, or they have to buy the f-ing e-book themselves.

    6.  Bathing. I admit this isn’t really an issue for me because I’m male and therefore genetically unable to multitask, but word is you can’t read a Kindle in the bath. I plagiarised this point from a letter written to The Guardian by a woman.  I wasn’t doing anything else at the time. She was probably cooking a three-course meal and reading the paper when she wrote it.

    7.  And alright, I admit it, I woke up one morning and realised I was a Luddite.

    Now…I’ve heard a rumour they’ve just installed one of those new weaving machines at a mill along the turnpike road in Bolton. Anyone want to come and help me smash it up before the idea catches on?

  • Guest Post: 8 Reasons that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones.

    Guest Post: 8 Reasons that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones.

    We’re going wild and breaking out of the format today.  This post was brought to our attention by Brad B. Wood of our favourite indie band, Merchandise.

    Since this piece was written, society has progressed and become more sophisticated, and we now know that 7 is the correct number of reasons.  But, while it doesn’t contain the right number of reasons, we can’t really ask the writer to make any changes as he’s been dead for 220 years.  Pick your least favourite reason and forget you saw it.

    Today’s guest post comes from author, printer, satirist, political theorist, politician, scientist, inventor, civic activist, statesman, soldier, diplomat, sixth President of the Supreme Executive Council of Pennsylvania, twenty-third Speaker of the Pennsylvania Assembly, United States Minister to France, United States Minister to Sweden and First United States Postmaster General, Benjamin Franklin.  We don’t know how he found time to research this, but we’re glad he did.

    1.  Because as they have more knowledge of the world and their minds are better stored with observations, their conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable.

    2.  Because when women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their influence over men, they supply the diminution of beauty by an arguement of utility. They learn to do 1000 services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing as an old woman who is not a good woman.

    3.  Because there is no hazard of children, which irregularly produced may be attended with much inconvenience.

    4.  Because the more experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an intrigue to prevent suspicion. The commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the affair should happen to be known, considerate people might be inclined to excuse an old woman who would kindly take care of a young man, form his manners by her good counsels, and prevent his ruining his health and fortune among mercenary prostitutes.

    5.  Because every animal that walks upright, the deficiency of the fluids that fills the muscles appears first in the highest part. The face grows lank and wrinkled, then the neck, the the breast and arms, the lower parts continuing to the last as plump as ever. So that covering all above with a basket, and regarding only what is below the girdle, it is impossible of two woman to know an old one from a young one. And as in the dark all cats are grey, the pleasure of corporal enjoyment with an old woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every knack being by practice capable of improvement.

    6.  Because the sin is less. The debauching a virgin may be her ruin, and make her for life unhappy.

    7. Because compunction is less. The having made a young girl miserable may give you frequent bitter reflections, none of which can attend making an old woman happy.

    8th and lastly. They are so grateful.

  • Guest Post : 7 Reasons To Love Bolton

    Guest Post : 7 Reasons To Love Bolton

    Today’s guest post comes from Bolton-based musician, record-label-owner and music-promoter Brad B. Wood.  His highly acclaimed band, Merchandise, are releasing their fifth album soon, which could mean any time in the next two years.  You can check out the brilliant Merchandise website here, it’ll even play you a song while you read this.  You can also find Brad twittering here.  Twitter will not play you a song.

    Bolton

    1.  The moors. In much the same way that the proximity of the Moors influenced Southern Spain, the proximity of the moors influences Bolton.  The moors are beautiful in a gorgeously melancholic and autumnal way that imparts the mood which characterises Bolton – helped by the wonderfully named A666 (Dual Carriageway of the Beast) running through the town.

    2.  Pies. Yes I know Wigan has the reputation, but they’re something of a delicacy round here too.  There are many great pie shops including the excellent Ye Olde Pastie Shoppe, Wilson’s in Kearsley and, of course, the locally ubiquitous Greenhalgh’s (a pronunciation nightmare for visitors).  My favourite, Villas on Tonge Moor, has sadly closed – not due to any lack of custom on my part.  I got told off the other week for saying complimentary things about Carr’s pasties during an interview on Bolton FM – strange folk there.  I just mentioned how they make a pasty barm so well (a pasty in a buttered bread roll – great!).  You don’t have to travel to Scotland to find fine cuisine, you know.  You can also find it in Bolton.

    3.  Bradshaw fireworks display.  A grand evening out.  Gloriously crap, and all the more fun for it. One year, the countdown to the start of the display ended with no fireworks.  The tannoy announcer asked Cyril (the man in charge of the blue touch-paper) what he was up to several times before he eventually graced us with what could be the most randomly choreographed display in pyrotechnic history.  After 25 minutes of mistimed banging and whooshing, bizarre colour combinations and fireworks shooting in all directions, the display concluded with the piece-de-resistance, the words “..od ..ght” illuminated in fireworks.

    4.  Place names. Well, the best of the lot has to be Knob End, Upper Ramsbottom is just over the hill too (There’s a new game,  “Increase the Innuendo by Placing Bolton Place Names Next to Each Other in a Sentence.”)  We also specialise in place-names that are unpronounceable to visitors, such as Daubhill (Dobble), and place-names with a right lot of apostrophes:  Hall I’ th’ Wood, Top O’ Th’ Brow etc.  During a fun game of “Get the Bolton Place Name in a Film Title” (this is how we roll) these were the best: Doffcockerlipse Now, Daubhill Impact (see pronunciation above), Lostock and Two Smoking Barrels, When Harry Breightmet Sally and The Bradshawshank Redemption. That whiled away a long motorway journey of twenty-nine miles, twenty-nine long miles . . . and there were some much worse suggestions.

    5. Comedy. Bolton is a funny place, or at least our residents make it one.  The local character is to look for the funny; we’re also known for our friendliness to strangers.  Genuine business names include “Big Baps and Nice Buns” (a sandwich shop) and Softies Hard Stuff (I think you can guess what he sells).  Among our professional comics are Peter Kay, Dave Spikey, Justin Moorehouse, Hovis Presley , Paddy McGuinness and the perennial panto favourite, Stu “I could crush a grape” Francis.  We also employ Gary Megson.

    6.  Bolton Wanderers. Founder members of the Football League and four time FA cup winners – including the White Horse final in 1923 – the first at the old Wembley stadium. We were involved in the first game with nets, which took place between Bolton and Everton (possibly the two teams least likely to need them).  And now we’ve come through that dark patch in the eighties where we had to sell one end of the stadium to a supermarket, “We’re the one and only Wanderers!” (except for ones beginning with W)

    7.  Real ale. Like everywhere, Bolton has a strip of pubs which are less safe than the places you hear about in the international news.  However, if you drive out a little, or have a bit of nous, you can avoid everything that’s fetid and wrong with contemporary society, and visit great pubs which make you proud to be British (in a nice way, not a Nick Griffin way).  The joy of pubs where folk actually talk to each other is lost on Southerners – Christ knows how they make friends.  Go to the No Name (it’s a pub without a name), The Dog and Partridge, The Sweet Green Tavern, The Hen and Chickens, The Old Man and Scythe or The Pack Horse at Affetside and you won’t be disappointed.  You may even make a friend.