Tag: marriage

Guest Post: 7 Reasons Your Relationship Is Doomed

Feel like you’re in a relationship that’s going south quickly? Get that sinking feeling every time you wake up next to your partner and realize they’re still there? You may be in a doomed relationship. There are many things that make a relationship go from sweet to sour: from trust issues to communication difficulties, here are seven reasons it’s time to call it quits.

1. The green-eyed monster. Jealousy rears its ugly head in almost all human relationships. But sometimes it becomes an overpowering emotion, threatening to destroy even the most solid partnerships. If you feel pangs of envy every time your partner gets a text, or goes out for a night ‘with the guys’, this may be a sign that jealousy is ruling your relationship.

2. Picking fights. I have friends – a couple – who are almost always fighting. They’re constantly bickering about who left the lights on or who forgot to pick up the dry cleaning. No matter who they’re with, or what they’re doing, they’re always nitpicking ─ constantly trying to get ‘one up’ on each other. It’s exhausting for them, and for everyone around them. They claim to love each other deeply but it would appear they love fighting with each other more.

3. Too much time alone… If you feel like you never see your partner; like one of you is always leaving as the other comes home, then perhaps your relationship is falling apart because you’ve forgotten how to be with your partner. If you don’t make time to spend with one another – time other than sleeping or watching TV silently on the couch – your relationship can’t grow.

4. …and too much time together. Perhaps you’re feeling suffocated by spending too much time with your partner. Maybe you begin every sentence with “We…” instead of “I…”. Maybe you spend every moment you’re not together texting each other gross, overly affectionate texts that say “Miss you honeybear”. If any of these sound familiar, maybe you need to get some hobbies, or get out more.

5. You hate each other’s friends. There’s always one person in your partner’s circle of friends who’ll rub you the wrong way. Maybe it’s the tacky girl who keeps asking when he’s going to put a ring on it, or that douchey guy who stares at your boobs. But if you can’t find a way to get along with anyone of each other’s friends, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship. (Or get new friends.)

6. It’s not working in the bedroom. You can’t fake chemistry. If you and your partner are having troubles in the bedroom, it may be because you’re not communicating. Or it may just be because your lover doesn’t know what he or she is doing. While most couples won’t have truly equal sex drives, being in a relationship should be a good guarantee that you’ll get some action at least once in a while. If that’s not happening, it may be time to pack your bags.

7. You want totally different things. You may find yourself in a relationship that has all the chemistry and passion of a Hollywood movie, but little of the companionship and compatibility that defines a great, long-lasting relationship. And you may just find yourself wanting totally different things than your partner – whether it’s more kids or more romance.

There’s nothing wrong with admitting that it’s just not working. And for your next relationship, try to aim for compatibility over chemistry. Using an online dating service like eHarmony Canada means that you can browse the profiles of people with whom you really connect.

October 10, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Should Get Married

If you’re a single, broke bachelor who spends his time hopping from bar to bar trying to get some action on a Saturday night, marriage might be the best thing that could happen to you. So what if the divorce rate is over 50 percent in the United States? You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

1. You Get To Have A Stag Weekend. When women get married, most of them want the wedding of their dreams, but what’s in it for you? If you have the right groomsmen, they will make sure you have the best stag weekend that you could ever imagine. Your stag weekend can last for as long as you want. You can have it all: scantily-dressed women, booze and music. Sky’s the limit. It’s like Mardi Gras meets your birthday. What’s there not to like?

2. Say Goodbye To Condoms. When you tie the knot, you are no longer under obligation to use condoms because you are both officially off the market. Even if you’re not trying to knock up your wife, she will be more willing to look into other birth control alternatives that don’t involve a slipping on a piece of rubber during moments of passion.

3. She’ll Do Your Laundry For Free. It’s probably been a while since a woman was more than happy to wash your dirty clothes. The last time that happened to you was probably when you used to drop off your laundry at your mother’s house during your weekends home from college. Take advantage of the opportunity.

4. Your Debt Becomes Her Debt Too. If you’re like most Americans, you’ve accumulated some debt. You probably have credit card and student loan debt, and you can have someone to share it with until death do you part. Marriage is about commitment, and your wife will be also held legally accountable for your debt.

5. She’s Under Contract To Love You. Even if you’re not a romantic, it’s nice to know that your wife has promised to love you no matter what you do. You don’t have to spend so much time impressing her because she must have been impressed with you to marry you in the first place. You can be yourself. Leave the dishes in the sink. Watch sports all night. Burp in bed. She loves you.

6. Marriage Makes You More Attractive. You may be a one woman man, but once you get married, single women will love you more than ever. Your attractiveness will quadruple as soon as you get back from your honeymoon. Even if you’re not one to cheat, it sure feels good to be wanted.

7. You’re Guaranteed More Sex. Once you put a ring on it, you’ve locked down your sex life too. The idea that married men get laid less than single men do is only based on 1 percent of the population, according to Kinsey Institute. While 23 percent of non-married men often go up to 12 months without sex, only 1 percent of married men experience dry spells that last an entire year.   Everyone around you may be running away from marriage, but these guys don’t know the real benefits of marrying a beautiful woman who can make your life ten times better. After you say “I do,” you will not only have a built in sex buddy, cleaning lady and financial advisor, but a lifelong friend who has your back.

Post contributed by Andrew Jones on behalf of Chillisauce.

March 17, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why A Credit Card Might Save Your Life

1. It Just Might Save Your Marriage Someday. Women love to shop. It is part of their genetic makeup. If you are married to a woman who thrives on shopping, and you deny her the fulfillment of this instinctive, natural urge, you could very well end up causing very real marital problems. You know the old saying “hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn”? That phrase was coined by a department store. So when your wife finds a way to spend all of your money, you will be owing a debt of gratitude (and interest and fees) to the best credit card companies.

2. Your Parents Refuse To Raise Your Allowance To Keep Up With Inflation. You need money to go out with your friends. You need money to treat your significant other on a date. You need money to put gas in your (parents’) car. You need money to buy the latest gadgets and accessories and to keep up with all of the stuff that your friends have. But when your parents refuse to give you the money to fund your lifestyle, and you can’t (or won’t) find a job, then a freshly minted credit card, made for students, can be a godsend.

3. You Get Trapped In An Elevator Or Locked In A Room And Can’t Get Out. Credit cards are notorious for getting you trapped… financially. But they can also help you get out of traps… physically! These slender little shards of plastic can help you unlock doors and windows, and can help you to pry open practically anything that needs to be opened. Who would have thought that a credit card just might help you get out of a difficult situation rather than get you stuck in one.

4. You Need To Do Your Part To Save The Economy. The economy is in shambles. We’ve all seen the devastation caused by the collapse of the housing market and the implosion of the job market. You might think that the prudent thing to do in during these tough economic times is to hunker down and keep tighter control over your money and reign in your spending habits. But if you do that, the economy is just going to worsen, isn’t it? If we want the economy to recover, then we all need to put our confidence back into the economy and start spending again. So get that credit card out and start spending, and do your part to save the economy!

5. Using Your Credit Cards Is A Matter Of National Security. One of the most sacred institutions of the United States is the pursuit of the American Dream. Indeed, keeping the American Dream alive is one of the stated goals that our politicians in Washington DC have been emphasizing in their attempts to revive the economy. Therefore, it is your patriotic duty as an American to keep the American Dream alive by keeping the credit card companies in business. After all, how long can we expect them to survive on government bailouts? Their bailout should come from the private sector. And what better way to help keep the credit card companies in business than to use your credit cards?

6. The World Is Coming To An End And You Need To Safeguard Your Cash. The Mayans predicted that the world will end in 2012. Scientists claim that an asteroid will be coming close enough to impact the earth during this century. World War III could happen at any time now. If a run on the banks would occur and people start hoarding cash, you could always rely on plastic to help you survive the economic uncertainty that lies ahead.

7. When You Run Out Of Money Every Month, At Least You Will Have The Credit Cash Back Rewards To Help You Keep Afloat. If you are living paycheck to paycheck, using one credit card to pay off another every single month, then at least you should be looking forward to your credit card cash back rewards! When you find yourself constantly running out of money every month, at least you know that all of the money you spent on your credit cards, keeping a balance and accruing interest, will pay off when you get those cash back rewards every month! A credit card can really help you out when money is tight!

January 25, 2012
7 Reasons Weddings Aren’t Just For Girls

It is a common belief that weddings are for girls. From a young age they are brainwashed into believing it’s the one day when they are a Princess and waiting for them at the altar is their very own Prince Charming. I know, it makes your skin crawl. The thing is though, in the nine months that I have been engaged, I have come to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, weddings are for boys too. (This post is written with apologies to men everywhere.)

Cricket Wedding Cake Topper by Louise Hunter

1. Food. You can have pretty much anything you like – within your budget of course. And because we all have more than one favourite meal, the real bonus is that you can offer two or three options on the menu. When you then bring in to the equation that there are going to be about one hundred other people eating the food that you love the opportunity of being able to get your hands on seconds, thirds, fourths, fifths and sixths isn’t so much a possibility as a certainty.

2. Speeches. Three of them. All by men. It’s the only time in life when women have no choice but to be quiet for an hour. There is a newfangled phase coming in that is seeing brides saying a few words too, but if you are lucky you’ll be at a more traditional wedding where the women stop rabbiting for a while.

3. Free Dating Service. Assuming you’re not the groom, weddings are fantastic for men. I mean, obviously they are good for the groom because you get a wife, but for other men, single men, they are also really good. Not only do you get free, limitless amounts of food and alcohol, the bride and groom will have probably made it their unofficial mission of the day to fix you up with someone. That’s why you’ll almost certainly find yourself sitting next to a single lady. Never fear if you don’t like her though, the bridesmaids are always up for it. It’s tradition. Usually under the cake table.

4. Planning. My future wife and I don’t argue, but we do have differing opinions. She’s of the opinion that there is a lot to get done for the wedding while I am of the opinion that it (whatever it is) will get done and I will get around to doing it just as soon as the cricket and rugby seasons have finished. It’s a test of resolve really. Which is pretty much what life is like really. So saying weddings are just for girls, is like saying life is just for girls. It’s not. It’s for boys too. Until they get married anyway.

5. Secrecy. With most weddings occurring on Saturdays, men are going to miss sport.* This means they have to check the scores on their mobile phones. It’s quite a thrill I assure you. Trying to do such a thing without your girlfriend, mother, new wife noticing. My cousin got married during the Beijing Olympics and while I was thankful for the eight-hour time difference, the ceremony still clashed with the 200m final. I was thankful for the whispering commentary behind me. Though the mother of the bride looked less than impressed with the news that Usain Bolt had done the business. Which is shame really. He ran jolly fast.

6. Hats. It’s odd, women spend months agonising over what to wear and which hat to don, then, come the wedding they hardly keep it on. The hat that is. Most of them usually manage to keep their clothes on. The hats form a source of hilarity though. Especially for the men. If you didn’t laugh at the woman who looked like she was wearing a satellite dish and got it lodged in the church door, you will do by the time you get to wear it. Hats are always passed around by men. They are always tried on. Photos are always taken. It’s strange, go to House of Fraser and try on a lot of hats and people think you’re weird. Try a load on at a wedding though and people think you’re cool and funny. They’re a fickle bunch.

7. Wife. You get one! A real-life, flesh and bones wife! Wives are cool so I’m told. They cook nice food, they iron your shirts, they let you watch sport. And they do it for the rest of your lives together. Which, assuming she doesn’t catch you watching Baywatch, could be for a very long time indeed. Funky.

*Except at mine which has been deliberately organised for a date before the start of the Olympics, before the start of Wimbledon, after the England rugby team have been on their summer tour and in-between Test Matches. It does though clash with Euro 2012. But you can’t have everything.**

**I will keep you updated throughout my speech though. Don’t worry.

NB: This post is dedicated to my future wife (and not just because she helped me think of some of the reasons). It’s because, you know, I love her and stuff.

October 19, 2011
7 Reasons it Must Have Been Terrible to Celebrate Your Wedding Anniversary in the 1930s

In the 1930s it was decided (presumably by purveyors of gifts) that there weren’t enough things associated with anniversaries and a more comprehensive anniversary gift list was created. Fortunately for contemporary celebrants of anniversaries, since then the list has been modernised. This is no bad thing as I’ve seen a copy of the original list. Here are seven reasons that it must have been terrible to celebrate your anniversary in the 1930s.

1. Wood. On the original list, the fifth anniversary is wood. This is rather fitting for the era because, after five long years of marriage, the celebration of their fifth wedding anniversary may well have been one of the last occasions that a married couple got wood. Rather mean to remind them of that though.

2. Willow/Copper. The ninth anniversary is a terrifying prospect. According to the BBC (they who must be believed), after nine years you get the willow/copper anniversary. The only feasible combination of willow and copper that comes to my mind is a policeman with a cane. Imagine your surprise and delight when you sit down with your wife and she says, “Happy anniversary darling, here’s a rozzer to beat you with a stick.” That doesn’t sound like too much fun to me. Perhaps it was more fun back then.

3. Aluminium/Tin. Times were clearly hard in the ‘30s and though your tenth anniversary present would be an improvement on the previous year’s beating, it wouldn’t be much of one as you’re likely to be presented with something in a tin or in an aluminium can. This can mean only one thing: food. But in the 1930s people didn’t have normal food, they had weird food: tins of tongue; tins of luncheon meat; tins of potatoes. Is being presented with a tin of tongue even any better than being beaten by a policeman? Well, should you have had your anniversary in the 1930s, you’d be in a great position to judge.

4. Ivory. After fourteen years of wedded bliss – assuming you’d recuperated from your beating by the forces of law and order five years previously and eating your tongue the following year – it was time for the real presents to begin. For your fourteenth anniversary, you could have expected to receive something without which no home is complete; a bit of an elephant. Obviously your gift wouldn’t be in the form of a bit of an elephant, it would be a bit of one of those useless lumbering creatures from the other side of the world turned into something far more practical, like a letter-opener or a cruet set.

5. China. For your twentieth anniversary you would have received the best gift of all, after which all other anniversary presents would come as an anticlimax. For your twentieth anniversary you could expect to receive the nation of China. Now China back then was war-ravaged and in the economic doldrums, rather than being the titan that it is now, but still, a whole country is an impressive gift. All anniversaries after the twentieth would be a huge disappointment.

6. Pearl/Ivory. After thirty years, while modern couples are receiving their first diamonds, couples using the traditional anniversary list are in for a rare treat. They can expect to relive that fondly remembered fourteenth anniversary on which they received a bit of an elephant only now, as if the bit of an elephant weren’t enough of a treat, they can expect it to be augmented by a bit of calcium carbonate that had been stolen from a fish. Yay!

7. Blue Sapphire. After sixty-five years of marriage, the compilers of the list clearly believe that senility will have kicked in because you’re going to get a sapphire again, but this time it’s going to be a blue one (which will be so much better than the beige one you got for your 45th). “Look darling”, your husband will bellow into your ear trumpet, “I bought you a blue sapphire…it’s blue!”. “Well, fancy” you’ll respond, “a blue sapphire. Well I never! Are these my feet?”

And now, I have a confession to make: tomorrow is my wedding anniversary (and my wife’s). I’m not going to tell you which one, but you might be able to guess, as this is what I’ve got her. Feel free to wish me luck!

July 6, 2011
7 Reasons This Is Wedding Photography At Its Finest

Next year I am getting married. And, as luck would have it, so is my fiancée. Unlike the more obvious considerations – such as deciding on the date – one of the first decisions we made was that of our photographer. You do that type of thing when the groom is really vain. We’ve decided to go with this young lady. Now, I was more than happy with this choice. Until Monday. Because on Monday I was listening to the radio and Jeremy Vine started talking about wedding photography. In particular he was talking about the wedding photographer and videographer extraordinaire that is Clayton Bennett. I don’t know Clayton and he doesn’t know me, which is a great shame. Because if I did then he would almost certainly be the man in charge of capturing the greatest day of our life. He’s done some great work in the past and has quite rightly received tons of press coverage. The below is what I consider to be his finest work.

I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s a tremendous piece of photography, but just in case you have your doubts, here are seven compelling reasons as to why:

1. Style. Believe it or not, I am not a great fan of posing for photos. I’m not very good at smiling properly and I always look slightly constipated. That’s why I love candid photography. I love the natural look. Which probably explains my dislike for Katie Price, tattoos, make-up and transsexuals. Based on this, Clayton Bennett is clearly the photographer for me. Weddings are full of people wearing clothes they wouldn’t normally wear, being nice to people you don’t like and me pretending to enjoy dancing. It’s all a bit fake. Nice, but fake. It’s brilliant therefore that Clayton provides a bit of everyday naturalism in his work. And what is more natural than a pair of calves, ankles and feet walking across grass?

2. Mystery. Whose body do these legs belong to? You get more than memories with Clayton, you get a game. Are they Aunt Mildred’s? Sally’s? Suzie’s? Stephanie’s? Simon’s?* No, in fact they don’t belong to anyone who attended your wedding. This is one of Clayton’s major attributes. Not only will he photograph your wedding, he’ll also get a photo of a randomer in there somewhere. Above and beyond the call of duty I think they call this. Fantastic.

3. Blending. Apart from when I say hello and accidentally break a tripod, I don’t want to see the photographer. Not because I don’t like her, but because the sight of her long lens might put me off my quickstep. Or my slow step. Or whatever step I decide to bring to the dance floor. I suspect it would be too much to ask if requested not to bring any step to the dance floor?** That’s why Clayton is a genius. This photo aptly demonstrates his technique at camouflaging himself. I can only assume he is dressed as a small mole here. A woman in a skirt is hardly going to walk over a photographer she can see, is she?

4. Reminder. You may think this is slightly strange, but I love the graves in the background. A lovely reminder that this life won’t last forever and to make sure you enjoy every minute of married bliss. And of course a reminder not to waste valuable time in marrying again. You’re already missing Wimbledon and the European Championships for this. That’s enough missed sport to last a lifetime.

5. Legs. So, who could be bothered to shave their legs for the day? This is when you find out who your real friends are. And which bridesmaid wants the ushers. All three of them.***

6. Shoes. Women like shoes. I know this, I live with fifty pairs. The thing about wedding photography though is that it is 99% above the knee shots. How ridiculous! One of the things women love most and yet hardly any photographers cater for it. Clayton does. And that’s why he’s a pro.

7. Different. Yes, it is. How many wedding albums have you seen with this kind of photo in it? If you’re a woman, probably none. If you’re a man, certainly none. In fact, if you are a man, you are probably wondering what a wedding album is. The truth is, you don’t need to worry about it. If you are a soon-to-be-bride though, Clayton will make your wedding album unique. No more, ‘Oh that’s nice’ and ‘Ooh, I like that’, instead you’ll hear, ‘That’s interesting’ and ‘What the fu…erm…that’s different.’ Which is great because it means they are paying attention.

*Obviously not. They’d be a spoon attached. Or a set of salad spinners.

**Yes. Apparently it would.

***Yes, I do know to which of my future wife’s bridesmaids I am referring to here.

April 20, 2011
7 Reasons Not To Buy The Canadian Mint’s Royal Wedding Coins

7 Reasons readers, news has reached us – a mere week after it reached the rest of the world – that Canada has decided to commemorate the wedding of Kate and William by minting (never let it be said that we don’t know technical terms here at 7 Reasons) some commemorative coins. Here they are below these words (or above them if your internet is on the blink), and here are seven reasons not to buy them.

1. Because You Have Eyes. Right about now, you’re probably going through the same thought process that I went through earlier. Oh. My. God. How have I never noticed this before? My monitor has a sapphire stuck to it. But I bought it from a respectable electrical retailer, not from the JJB Poundworld House of Crap. It wasn’t there yesterday. Has Kerry Katona snuck in and accessorised my screen in the night? My God, what if the neighbours see it? Or my in-laws? They’d point at me in the street! I must get it off before people in shell-suits start complimenting me on the bloody thing…but wait…it’s not stuck to the screen at all. It’s on the coin! They’ve stuck it to the groom! The Canadian Mint have pimped Prince William and Pimp-Daddy Wills, he ballin’; he cash-money baby fo’ sho’. Move over, Fiddy Cent, His Royal Highness Twenny Dollars is in da house and all you bitches can suck his bad royal ass.

2. Because It’s Weird. I have been unable to find a satisfactory explanation as to why Canada have taken it upon themselves to pimp Prince William. According to the BBC, the sapphire is there to “symbolise the bride’s engagement ring”. Now, I’m a married man, and my wife has a sapphire engagement ring, but we’re not royal, and, while I appreciate that they do things a little differently to the rest of us, at no point during our engagement did I have to wear a giant version of my wife’s (then fiancé’s) engagement ring affixed to my tie. This is just as well, as women should never marry men who dress like Liberace’s gaudier cousin. Nor should men. Nor should anyone.

3. Because (if you haven’t poked them out while looking at the $20 coin) You Still Have Eyes. The bejewelled coin is gaudy, but the twenty-five cent coin seems to have come straight from the section of the Canadian Mint marked Argos. It’s got a photo of the happy couple on it. A coin. With a photo stuck to it. Because engraving a second coin would apparently be too much trouble for an organisation that works in the field of coin manufacture. I don’t know what things are like in Canada, but where I live, if you find a picture stuck to your coin it’s an advert for a minicab firm, or for a bar with a drinks promotion involving WKD or Carling. Canada: Coins are not photograph albums, and nor are they pieces of jewellery. Coins are coins*.

4. The Free Market. Don’t just take my judgement on these coins. Well, you can, it will save you time if you just choose to agree with me as you won’t have to read the rest of this reason (the more sceptical amongst you will still have to) but the market has spoken. According to the BBC, the twenty dollar coin – the one on the right – will cost you a hundred and five dollars. But its value is still only twenty dollars. So it costs eighty-five dollars more than it’s worth. Or a hundred and five dollars more than it’s worth if you buy it with the lights on. The market has spoken.

5. Because You Can’t Dry Your Royal Wedding Mug With Them. In order to have longevity, a royal souvenir has to have a practical application. In that way, the event is kept in the popular consciousness for a very long time. I’m sure we all have great aunts and grandparents who still regularly dry their coronation mugs with royal wedding tea-towels and many of us learned about modern royal history by seeing those items as children. The only practical application these coins have is that we will learn never to go to Canada (in case they pimp us too) and we’ll probably be able to purchase spinning wheel trims for a Vauxhall Cavalier with them, or one of those singing fish picture things.

6. Because I Beseech You. Don’t buy these coins because – despite the random stones and pictures stuck to them – they’re still coins. And where do all coins end up? Yes, in my house down the back of the sofa. Absolutely all coins end up in that sofa, and we don’t want them. We have an innocent child in the house that we’re trying to protect from seeing such things. Please, please don’t buy them!

7. What! Why are you still here? Do you really need a seventh reason? Fine, in that case, go back to the top of the page and look at them again then! O Canada, what have you done?

*To coin a phrase.

April 11, 2011
7 Reasons Twitter Must Remain Subscription Free

No doubt many of you saw the news yesterday morning that as of September this year Twitter is no longer going to be a free service. Obviously Twitter isn’t the most profitable of business models and, understandably, they have been working hard to rectify this. They’ve been using promoted tweets for the last year or so, but apparently they aren’t generating a sufficient revenue stream. So now, in a complete volte-face, they have decided that making the service subscription based is the way forward for them. It’s a shame because, not only do we find it an invaluable communication tool for 7 Reasons, it’s also great fun. We’ve both met some great people and both done things that we wouldn’t have done otherwise. Like create 7 Reasons. Quite frankly, the thought of not having Twitter around fills us with dread. So, in a plea to the powers that be, here are seven reasons to keep Twitter subscription free. If you agree please share this post. You never know what might happen.

1. Revenue. There are better ways to raise revenue. No one likes to pay a subscription; look at how many people subscribe to Sky in the UK compared to the number that watch ITV. This tells us that advertising is a more palatable option than a paid for service. We have contextual adverts here on this website and – apart from notable exceptions, such as Marks and Spencer advertising alongside 7 Reasons That I Hate The M&S Dine In For £10 Deal and Orange advertising on the post 7 Reasons That Life Would Be So Much Better in Black and White – this works well. Would any Twitter user really mind carefully chosen contextual adverts on their Twitter page (obviously not ads for hair loss products, incontinence pads or Greggs the bakers) instead of paying an annual subscription? I think not.

2. Relationships. I met the girl I am going to marry on Twitter. In a roundabout way. I wasn’t actually being myself, which means she’s actually marrying a spoofed professional sportsman. Luckily that’s pretty much what I am anyway. There are people out there who, perish the thought, actually pretend to be themselves. And there are people out there who are now married because of Twitter. Or reunited with friends and family because of Twitter. Or working together because of Twitter. Or sharing a cell with Big Bear because of Twitter. That just seems like an awful lot of great stuff that is going to be lost come September.

3. Fail Whale. When Twitter reverts to a subscription based service they hope to keep 25% of their users. I think it’ll be more like 2.5% but either way the Fail Whale will no longer be part of people’s lives. In the two years I have been using the network the Fail Whale has become more than a sign of overload. He has become a friend. A reassuring sight in an uncertain world. A reminder that you can’t always have what you want when you want it. In this respect the Fail Whale is a great philosopher. Communicating with us in a language the modern generation can understand. Who are we going to listen to when we can’t turn to the Fail Whale? The only Fail Whale I can think of is James Corden. And philosophy is not his strong point. Even more depressingly, neither is comedy.

4. Organisation. You have to be organised to maintain a regular subscription to something (unless you’re so disorganised that you subscribe once and remain subscribed for eternity), and organised people aren’t necessarily the most interesting people. But that’s who you’ll find tweeting in the future. Jack Kerouac, Keith Richards, Dionysus, Dorothy Parker and Queen Ranavalona the 1st of Madagascar are all fascinating characters that would be monumentally interesting tweeters, yet would find it too much hassle to maintain a regular subscription to a social networking service, even if they weren’t drunk, high, mythical or dead (or in the case of Keith Richards, possibly all of those things). This would leave Twitter in the hands of dull people, for whom renewing their subscription to Twitter would quite probably be an annual highlight. It would become a showcase for tweets by Michael Vaughan, His Excellency Baron Sir Lord Sir Alan Sugar of Sir Hackney Sir, the third Nolan Sister and Oprah fucking Winfrey. Subscription would make Twitter a duller place which would, paradoxically, make people less likely to subscribe.

5. Access The Inaccessible. Twitter is a great outlet if you want to hear the thoughts of people/things who you otherwise couldn’t. Bronx Zoo Snakes for example. Or dead dictators. Adolf Hitler has his own twitter account. Well, actually, he has about twenty, but I think nineteen of them are fakes. The real Hitler is worth a follow just so you can get a better understanding of how his mind works. If you don’t follow Hitler (and I would never encourage it) I can inform you that he’s still an angry midget. He still has issues. A recent update stated, “I’m sick of bonsai trees being so small.” When we have to pay for Twitter, answers to GCSE history questions just won’t be as informative/entertaining.

6. Expense. Unfortunately, whether you subscribe to the service or not, it’s still going to cost you. Remember the old days when it cost 12p to send an SMS or 28p to send a letter? Assuming you leave the service, it’s going to be those days all over again, only this time we’ll have to alert all of our followers every time we do something. So for us that’s 2000 texts or postcards we’ll have to send out every time we publish a new 7 Reasons post. And what if Bob replies with a text or a postcard? If we decide to reply to Bob we’ll also have to send a text or postcard to everyone who follows both 7 Reasons and Bob. What a nightmare this is going to be. Looking on the bright side at least I have free texts. Looking on the dark side stamps now cost 41p.

7. Subscription Misses The Point Of Twitter. Or, if not the point of Twitter, it misses what we all love about it. The freedom. It’s an egalitarian melting pot where views, thoughts, ideas, opinions and links to Failblog can be disseminated amongst users without some sort of hierarchical class distinction getting in the way. If it’s made a subscription service then – especially in the current harsh economic climate – many users will be excluded for no fault of their own. Should being unemployed, poor, a single-parent or a resident of the Republic of Ireland really be grounds for exclusion from social media? No, it shouldn’t. It’s vital that Twitter remains subscription free. Please retweet this piece if you agree.

April 1, 2011
7 Reasons That Love is Important

It’s Valentine’s Day!!! On Monday. Apologies for any panic we may have caused there, but the 7 Reasons team have decided to jump the gun and celebrate St Valentine’s Day prematurely. Because we’re lovesick. Well, one of us is in love and that just makes the other one feel sick, but that’s near enough. So, in honour of the patron saint of pink stuff everywhere, here are seven reasons that love is important.

1. Make Love Not War. It’s a tired expression, but – short of a nuclear missile – love really is the one thing that can end conflict. For good. We are not interested in truces. Like a dirty weekend in a Travelodge outside of Leeds, it won’t last. Real love means complete acceptance of what others believe and how they choose to live. A marriage of acceptance if you like. Not that I’m suggesting we should accept or indeed make love to radical extremists. That would be extreme. And quite dangerous if their grenades are dangling above your head. If you do find yourself in this situation we suggest you wear a helmet. Just in case.

2. Passion. That’s what love is really. Whether it’s passion for your partner or passion for your team or passion for passion fruit, it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that you feel something for something. Because it’s those feelings that keep us alive. Without emotion we’d be robots. And if you read yesterday’s post you’d realise that’s not a good thing.

3. Compromise. I guess I got lucky. The person I fell in love with also loves what I love. No, not myself. Sport. Which means we don’t have to do the, ‘You can watch Eastenders all week so long as I can watch the rugby all weekend,’ thing. Claire gets to watch Eastenders and the rugby and I get to do the ironing and watch the rugby. But we know we are in the minority. Other people really do have to compromise. And while it may mean missing England beat Wales, you do it because you’re in love. And I admire that. I admire it because I couldn’t do it. Which is why I told Claire before we even started dating that watching England play cricket or rugby comes before anything else in my life. A year later I still haven’t missed a game. And that just makes me love her even more.

4. Inspiration. Throughout human history, love has acted as a spur, a stimulus, a motivational factor in many of mankind’s greatest accomplishments. The life’s work of Thomas Aquinas; Shelley’s One Word is Too Often Profaned; Shah Jahan’s construction of the Taj Mahal, the historical examples of great works inspired by, and created out of love are almost boundless. Essentially, if we didn’t have love, we’d still be slimy-fish creatures or animal-bothering Neanderthals living in caves or swamps or our own poo or something. But thanks to love, most of us aren’t.

5. Tennis. I don’t think anything in the world explains love better than a tennis match. As I am sure you are aware, ‘love’ in tennis is the equivalent of zero. Zilch. Nothing. In other words, it is valueless. And that is what love outside of tennis is too. You can’t put a value on love. Unless you are in Amsterdam. Though between you and me I don’t think ten minutes* with a Dutch girl called Helga really counts. Love is the most valuable commodity in life and yet it is free. I have always thought that is a rather wonderful intricacy. We pay our taxes so that the NHS and the Police are there for us when we need them, but the people who are there for us when we don’t need them are free.

6. Popular Song. If it weren’t for the eternally prevalent theme of love, pop music would be wholly different. There’d be no Renée and Renato’s Save Your Love, there’d be no Yummy Yummy Yummy I Got Love in my Tummy by Ohio Express, and there’d be no When We Collide by Matt Cardle. This might initially seem like a spectacularly good anti-love argument, but it’s quite the reverse, because when repugnant, saccharine dross like this is being played, you might just find that across a crowded room, someone else is also covering their ears with their hands and bellowing, “What is this shit!?” And at that moment, your eyes may meet, and that’s when you’ll find true love. And all because of love songs, which really do begat love. However circuitously.

7. Emotional Intensity. Love – and this is important in these straitened economic times – is free. Your other half loves you because you’re you, not because of what you can give them. Love – true love – transcends the baser human tendency toward being fiscally and materially acquisitive in favour of devotion to and acceptance of another person; no matter what their circumstances or their idiosyncrasies. When you have found your true soul-mate you will have found unconditional acceptance. Which is why my other half is going to love her Valentine’s Day card this year, no matter how much it cost.

She's gonna love this.

*Okay, two and a half.**

**This never happened.***

***Well, it probably did to someone exciting.

February 11, 2011
7 Reasons Prince Harry Should Get Married Right Away

1. Brothers. I am going to state a well-known fact here, so bear with me. It’s important. Harry is younger than William. As an older brother myself, I like to try and set an example for my younger sibling to follow. What I don’t like, is when he goes off at his own tangent and out does me by doing it his way. Which is what he did with exams. And girls. It basically makes me feel like a loose part. The thing is though, he bloody loved it. And he’s not alone. All younger siblings like getting one over their elders. And what better way for Harry to ‘reign’ on William’s parade, by getting married now? To some girl called Bianca. From Essex.

2. Hyperbole. Unless you have been stuck on the toilet since early Tuesday morning, you will have seen the hyperbolic attention that the pending marriage between William and Kate has received. (I was very tempted to write hyperbollocks, but didn’t as my Mum might learn how to use a computer one day and read this). Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I am not very happy for them, I am. Indeed, in my role as a proud Briton and appreciator of our history I will no doubt raise a Pimm’s on the day. It’s just that so much has been spoken and yet so much of it is just nonsense. On Wednesday Jeremy Vine decided that the discerning Radio 2 listener had the ability to offer our future Queen advice. I switched off. I may be very wide of the mark, but I suspect that should Miss Middleton need advice she is far more likely to phone her Mum than download a Jeremy Vine podcast. And basically, my point is that Prince Harry should get married now, so that we don’t have to listen to all this claptrap again in five years.

3. Journalism. It’s a headline writer’s dream. You probably haven’t realised this yet, what with Wills’ wedding overshadowing absolutely everything, and not caring and all, but Harry rhymes with marry. That’s right! We can expect to see Happy Harry to Marry (Daily Mail), A Harriage Made In Heaven (Daily Star), and Son of Murdered Diana to Wed (Daily Express). And now that there are civil partnerships his options aren’t limited to marrying a Carrie, he can marry a Barry or a Larry too. Or a Keith.

4. Tradition. Over the past century or so, royal standards have eroded to the point where it’s now commonplace for royals to marry commoners. That’s right; the likes of you. William is marrying one as well. But there’s still hope. Harry can turn back the tide of decay by choosing to have a proper royal marriage to a girl that he’s related to. And that will be a return to the grand royal tradition, to the days when the many crowned heads of Europe would assemble for important gatherings at which there would be several hundred attendees, but only one face, and the only way to distinguish between any of them would be their facial hair and – in the case of the Kaiser – his pointy helmet and his propensity to invade the drawing room.

Where's Willhelm?

5. Hair. Let’s face it, His Royal Highness, Prince Henry Charles Albert David of Wales has a ginger bonce. Given the family propensity for hair loss – and we have no reason to assume that this will skip a generation, none whatsoever – he’s likely to be both balding and ginger soon. He needs to marry at once in order to avoid looking like a cross between Patsy Palmer and Prince Edward in his wedding pictures, because there is nothing in Photoshop that can rescue that. Nothing.

6. Divorce. Whenever anyone gets divorced, it’s sad. Even if there is much jubilation from both parties. To think that once these two people loved each other so much that they wanted to make that vision of spending the rest of their lives together a reality. Or they met in Las Vegas. Either way, come the final separation, there is sadness. I defy anyone who says otherwise. Unfortunately, for whatever reason (again, probably seven) the incumbent Royal Family have a history of unhappy marriages. So much so that they have employed a designer to add a little sparkle to their divorce papers. Because it will almost certainly happen again. Though I think it is unlikely to be William and Kate. I suspect, if you walked into any betting shop, you would find the odds on Prince Harry getting divorced to be much shorter than those of his brother. And while I hope it doesn’t happen, it may. And if it does Prince Harry may wish to find someone else to spend his time with. Which leads me nicely onto the point of this reason. If Prince Harry marries right now, he has more time in the future if it goes wrong.

7. It’s The Economy, Stupid. In case you haven’t noticed, Britain is in a recession. And it isn’t going well. To cut costs, we’re going to share the defence of the realm with the French (which is actually a good idea…for a sitcom. Or for Germany) and, if the recession hits any harder we’ll have to take more drastic action: Swingeing health cuts or selling the Queen or something. But wait! According to esteemed financial publication, The Sun, the forthcoming wedding of Wills and Kate will boost the economy by a billion pounds. That’s right. A billion pounds. So if Harry gets married sharpish, that’ll be two billion pounds into the nation’s coffers. And if we can get them breeding, in twenty or thirty years time, with the resultant glut of royal weddings, Britain will once again become one of the most prosperous nations on the planet.*

*And we can all start wearing top hats again.**

**Except in the cinema.

November 19, 2010