7 Reasons

Tag: Manchester City

  • 7 Reasons to be Glad That The Transfer Window Has Closed

    7 Reasons to be Glad That The Transfer Window Has Closed

    Hurrah!  It’s finally over!  And here are seven reasons to be glad that it is.

    EPL

    1.  There’ll Be More News.  The 24 hour rolling football will finally stop and news stations and channels will carry actual news: Proper news; vital news; weighty news of great import, historical gravity and epoch-defining momentousness.  For all we know, Beyonce could be pregnant and because of the transfer deadline day absolutely no one in the world will have heard about it.  Also, Colonel Gaddafi could still be hiding in a tunnel somewhere, possibly in Libya.  Literally anything could be happening out there and we wouldn’t know because of the seemingly endless saga of will he/won’t he buy him, will he/won’t he join them and David Ngog? Hahahahahahaha!!!!  Let’s find out what’s happening in the world.

    2.  There’ll Be Less Bullshit, Rumour, Bullshit, Bullshit and Bullshit.  There’s a saying in motor sport: When the flag drops, the bullshit stops, but there isn’t enough fabric in the world to make enough flags to stop all of the falsity, mendacity and unabashed calumny that makes up the speculation on transfer deadline day.  And even if there were, there wouldn’t be enough seamstresses to sew them, poles to fly them from and this analogy stops here as it’s making the writing part of my head hurt.  It seems that absolutely anyone can say absolutely anything and get it reported by ordinarily sensible yet temporarily scoop-frenzied news organisations (and Sky) on transfer deadline day.  You would think there would be a limited number of Dan’s cousin’s osteopath’s brother’s friend Terrys that could possibly be at an airport terminal or a motorway service station to witness Sol Campbell (who by my reckoning is now at least eight thousand years old) heading off to one training ground or another, but apparently there aren’t.  Dan’s cousin’s osteopath’s brother’s friend Terry achieves absolute omnipresence on transfer deadline day as does Yossi Benayoun who, according to Dan’s cousin’s osteopath’s brother’s friend Terry has now signed for at least six clubs and consumed twelve different flavours of Ginsters pasties at various motorway service stations across the land.  And every word of this gets reported in every medium by every organisation reporting on the looming transfer deadline.  Benjamin Disraeli said that there are“…lies, damned lies, and statistics”, but he never experienced a transfer deadline day.  On transfer deadline day there are no statistics.

    3.  Arsenal Fans Will Seem Less Mad.  If you’re of the opinion that Arsene Wenger has lost the plot in recent months with his bizarre refusal to sign any football player that is both over the age of twenty and has a spine, you could be seen to have a valid point.  But Wenger’s reluctance to spend his football club’s money buying football players for their football team has made such blubbering wrecks of the supporters that Mr Wenger himself seems like the sanest man in the world (except David Dimbleby) in comparison to them.  I’ve experienced this myself as, while I don’t support a Premier League club, I think that a strong and competitive Arsenal team is a lovely thing to watch and makes the Premier League competition far more exciting.  Today I’ve frequently found myself foaming at the mouth and bellowing “Buy him!  Buy him!  Buy him!”  This happens whenever Dan’s cousin’s osteopath’s brother’s friend Terry spots any footballer with at least one and a half working legs and the ability to grow even the sparsest of beards within a hundred mile radius of North London.  The combination of Arsene Wenger’s parsimony and transfer deadline day have contrived to turn me into a babbling idiot (even more so than usual).  It must be so much worse for those that actually care: Those poor people also have to bellow “Sell him!  Sell him!  Sell him!” whenever Nicklas Bendtner’s name is mentioned.  It must be hell for them.

    4.  We’ll Rediscover Words.  How often do you hear your own name said out loud?  A couple of times a day?  Ten times a day?  It might be more if you’re gregarious or popular, I wouldn’t know.  One thing I do know though, is that if your name is Scott Parker you’ll have heard it said out loud more often than anyone else in the entire history of humanity.  Anyone that has watched a sport bulletin between May and September (that period we refer to ironically as “the summer”) this year will have heard the words Scott and Parker more times than they’ll have heard the words if, it, bit, but, the, a, dog and salamander combined.  Oh, and and.  Craig David has heard his name said out loud fewer times than Scott Parker has and he spends his entire life singing it at people.

    5.  We’ll Be Less Baffled.  My wife knows less about football than I know about the female orgasm.  Of the sea otter.  And when she turned to me today and wearily asked “Why do they always leave it until the last minute?”  I loftily dismissed her amateur enquiry and, in a knowledgeable and not un-patronising tone replied, “It’s because…”.  That’s as far as I got.  Because when the transfer window is open from the end of the previous season until the end of August, it’s absolutely barmy to be trying to buy a player (that the selling club usually need to replace) minutes before the window shuts.  The buying club won’t find a bargain as the seller will be far more reluctant to sell them at that time and they won’t get a pre-season to help them settle into the squad.  There is no level on which leaving buying a footballer until the last minute makes any sense.  Unless it’s the same level on which Jedward are entertaining and Nando’s is a desirable place to go for dinner, in which case it makes all the sense in the world.  More probably.  All of the sense everywhere.  Even the sense in the cupboard under the stairs and the sense that has dropped out of your trouser pockets and fallen down the back of the sofa.  Am I still making sense?  No?  There, that’s how much sense leaving it until the last minute makes.

    6.  We Will All Be Safe.  It’s okay.  Really, it’s alright now.  We can all breathe a deep sigh of relief and relax as we’re all perfectly safe now.  Though it does seem that their strategy is to buy absolutely everyone in the world, there are rules and regulations to deal with that sort of thing and if you haven’t already been purchased by Manchester City (something that is worth checking), you won’t have to worry until January.  I’ve spent much of the last month absolutely terrified that I’m going to get signed and dragged off to Manchester to play football in the rain, but I seem to have escaped.  My five month old son (who can nearly stand up unaided) seems to have slipped the net too.  We got off lightly, as it seems that they’ve even resorted to raiding hospitals to find players to sign.

    7.  Football Will Be About Football.  Remember when football was about football?  That wondrous, gilded, golden-age when football wasn’t about finance, negotiation, and acquisition?  When it was about sport and not business?  Now that the window’s slammed firmly shut, those of us that want to see business (and who amongst us doesn’t find watching a meeting utterly thrilling?*) can watch Dragon’s Den or The Apprentice and those of us that like football can watch football which is a sport, not a bunch of self-centred prima-donnas making utter cocks of themselves for our entertainment.  Oh, it turns out that it is.  Still, it’ll be nice change from all of the business.  Until it all starts again in three months.  Bugger.

    *Yes, it’s me.

  • 7 Reasons That We Should Run Manchester City

    7 Reasons That We Should Run Manchester City

    We, the 7 Reasons team, have decided that we should branch out a bit and take on a new challenge.  We have no allegiances with Manchester City, but we have some great ideas on how we could improve the running of the club.  Here are 7 Reasons that we should run Manchester City.

    1.  Wisdom.  It is oft said that two heads are better than one.  There are two of us, and we have one head each.  That’s two heads.  Roberto Mancini only has one head.  Okay, so his is full of football knowledge and experience while our heads are full of words and Jennifer Aniston, but the two heads will make us a better manager than Mancini, conventional wisdom says so.  It is also said that many hands make light work.  We have twice as many of those as Mancini, so we should be able to make a substantial saving on the electricity bill too.

    2.  Bellamy.  Craig Bellamy is a brilliant footballer and is in the form of his life at the moment.  We’re only too aware, however, that he has, in the past, been an unsettling influence in many of the dressing-rooms that he has been in.  We want Craig Bellamy in our team, but we don’t necessarily want him in our squad.  We will construct a separate dressing-room for Craig Bellamy and hold solo training sessions for him.  This way he can continue to play for us on the pitch, but won’t disrupt our squad.  We did love it when he was annoying Alan Shearer at Newcastle though.  Annoying Alan Shearer should be a sport in its own right.

    3.  Bell End.  No, not Craig Bellamy again.  Colin Bell.  When the City of Manchester stadium was taken over by Manchester City, their supporters voted overwhelmingly to name an end of the stadium after their hero Colin Bell.  The club, after much procrastination, overruled this decision and eventually named the West Stand after him instead.  We would reverse their decision and name the North Stand after him, thus creating the Colin Bell End.  The West Stand would become The Hat Stand, The East Stand would become The Last Stand and the South Stand would become The South End, as it’s where Manchester United supporters live.  We would also reconstruct the car park, with a new lower level parking bay spanned by The Wayne Bridge, which will be vastly expensive and a bit wobbly.

    4.  Cars.  We don’t know why Stephen Ireland does this to cars, but enough is enough.  We’re banning him from the car park.  If it were within our power to ban him from the road as well, then we would.  He will be fined a week’s wages if any Manchester City fan ever sees one of his cars anywhere, and we’ll donate that money to the Royal National Institute for the Blind, who can use it to help car-lovers that have poked their own eyes out after witnessing his automotive abominations.

    5.  Human Cloning.  Carlos Tevez is brilliant.  He’s clearly one of the best players on the planet.  It’s not so much his skill that makes him amazing to watch, it’s his desire, his energy and his propensity for turning up in every area of the pitch.  We will put in place a human cloning programme to clone Tevez.  The technology’s almost there already so it won’t be too many years before we’re able to field a whole team of Carlos Tevez, from 1-11.  Not only will they be able to outrun and outplay the opposition, they’ll also scare them silly.  What’s more, our Tevez Cloning Facility will be based in England, which will ensure that the national team will be successful for years to come too.  In order to guard all of the silverware that we’re going to win, we’ll manufacture Tevez security guards – possibly with wings and/or hooves – to guard the trophy room.  We will rule the football world and, eventually, we may use an army of them to take over the actual world.  Try not to concern yourself about that though.

    6.  Scarves.  At least 50% of the 7 Reasons team already own a sky blue scarf, so there’ll be no need for all of the supporters to go out and buy yet another new scarf in imitation of us.  We will also implement a new rule that nobody may knot their scarf in the same way as the person seated next to them.  That will introduce variety into the stands, because frankly, we were a little freaked out when we watched them play last Tuesday.

    7.  Advertisments.  We can’t top the “Welcome To Manchester” advert.  But we will keep it, and put more of them up, everywhere.  You won’t be able to walk down the street in Manchester without seeing loads of them.  We will also put them up in Manchester, New Hampshire and Manchester, Ohio.  The locals won’t have a clue what they’re about, but we don’t care.  We just want to use Carlos to frighten them a bit.  That’ll teach them to buy our chocolate factories.