Tag: Man

Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Men Are Scared Of Washing Machines

Historically much maligned for their domestic idleness, men have come a long way in recent years. Comfortable in the kitchen, happy to do the vacuuming and occasionally enthusiastic about childcare, the age of equality is very much here. Just don’t mention the laundry. It remains a baffling world where fancy, shiny, modern washing machines are viewed as Cyclopean nemeses, brooding away in the corner, ready to punish the simplest label-reading error or colour mix-up.

Here are seven very good reasons why doing the washing is anathema to the male of the species:

1. Men are confused that it has to happen at all, and with such astonishing regularity. Some would quite happily revert back to Victorian times when poor children were sewn into their clothes at the start of winter and then unstitched come the warmer months. Men will happily recycle a garment from the “floordrobe” – pick it up, dust it down, give it a cursory sniff and put it right back on. Who cares if it’s Thursday and they’ve been wearing it since Monday?

2. Powder, tablets, balls, gels – the list of things you can put in a washing machine has seemingly grown exponentially in recent years. It used to be simple – you put the powder in the drawer and that was it. Now some things go in the drawer, some go in the drum and some go in a bag in the drum – it’s become a very, very confusing world. Men would rather not risk putting the wrong thing in the wrong place.

3. Can he put his bath towel in with his pants? Can he wash that white merino wool sweater with his new red socks? Can he chuck his jeans in with his chinos? Constructing the ideal load is a minefield and best left to the experts. Especially after what happened to her favourite white top the last time he tried to be helpful. . .

4. Why are clothing labels full of symbols akin to those found on the walls of Egyptian tombs? A man shouldn’t need a copy of the Rosetta stone to decipher the care label on his favourite T-shirt. All those triangles, squares and circles resemble some kind of devilish cypher that war-time codebreakers would struggle to crack.

5. And if the clothes labels are bad, what about the dials on the machine? All those symbols, programmes AND temperatures – they are just a recipe for disaster. What’s wrong with a big button that just says “wash clothes”?

6. Men famously struggle with having a thorough look for something. A so-called “man look” involves confidently claiming to have looked everywhere for the house keys with no success.

Her: “Have you checked the top drawer in the hall?”
Him: “Yes, I had a look and they weren’t there.”
[Two minutes later]
Her: “Here they are.”
Him: “Where were they?”
Her: “In the top drawer in the hall. You must have had a man look.”

What does this have to do with washing? Well, there are all those pockets to go through and a man knows that he will inevitably fail to remove a golf ball that will proceed to rattle around the washing machine drum for half an hour or a tissue that will deconstruct itself all over a favourite jumper. Oh, and has anyone seen the cat?

7. Finally, doing the washing invariably leads to another baffling exercise: ironing. And that is not a path down which any man wishes to voluntarily tread . . .

July 25, 2013
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Grow The Hell Up

So you’re a teenage boy. I was one once, and got over it. You can too, if you TAKE HEED of these important points.

1. You are not special. You are not the first person ever to feel this way. You are not the first person ever to fall in love, or get stoned, or drunk, or listen to music that wasn’t in the charts. You are, in a word, unoriginal. Hurry to adulthood where such tedious conformity goes unremarked.

2. You look like an animated French Bread Pizza. This is not a good look. Get busy with the acne treatment, and you might find the teenage girls you pine after, bother to look at you. I mean, it’s still doubtful, given you only speak in mumbles or grunts and have the personal hygiene of algae, but hey, it’s a start, no?

3. You are composed entirely of knees, elbows and Adam’s Apples. While teen girls are so sylphlike they get their A-Level results photos on the front page of the Telegraph, teen boys lurch about like they were made that morning and the glue didn’t take. You’re fitter than you’re ever likely to be again – stop walking around like you’ve a freakishly heavy head.

4. You need ‘fake ID’. Now that’s just plain embarrassing. To have to proffer some weedy doctored piece of card every time you want to do something normal, like buy Tippex or 12 cans of extra-strength Fusilier Lager from your local shop is demeaning to all concerned. Get old, so you can demand such essentials in a booming, confident voice.

5. You’re all over the scale. Speaking of voices, what’s up with yours? One minute you’re frightening bats, the next minute you sound like Sauron spotting Frodo. Stop mucking about, boy!

6. Why so unwashed? Acne treatment is all well and good, but it needs to be accompanied by actual washing. A spray of Right Guard under the arms every morning is insufficient. You’ve achieved success when strangers can enter your room without being knocked unconscious.

7. You didn’t ask to be born. Sorry, what’s that? You didn’t ask? OF COURSE YOU DIDN’T! Nobody did! It’s not how the system works, for crying out loud! I’m sure this was covered in Biology. To become a man, you need to internalise this existential sense of injustice and only let it out, say, during major sporting tournaments.

September 5, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why A Fridge Freezer Is Your Best Friend

When life gets too tough we all do it, we all turn to that one shiny square symbol of comfort, yes you got it in one, the fridge freezer combo. I understand that the fridge-freezer is so much more than an appliance; it shelters your beer, hides the children’s treats and offers you a place to stash your ready meals from the Mrs (who happens to think you have managed to learn how to cook whilst she is at yoga). These are the 7 reasons why your Fridge Freezer is your best friend…

1. Fridge-freezer is the most practical invention on the planet. Think about it guys; where would we be without the fridge-freezer combo? Well I will tell you, we wouldn’t be that far behind damn dirty apes. The sheer practicality and advancements in technology part us from an archaic existence and through the pure genius of combining both the fridge and freezer (someone needs a pat on the back for that) we are able to store more and more food. We are basically like advanced technological squirrels.

2. Making your mates jealous. Having the best fridge-freezer is guaranteed to make your mates envious, they won’t let you see this jealous streak but be warned they are secretly judging you on the size of your new appliance. But hey, relax, ask them if they want a drink; then see if they want ice with that, obviously from your amazing new built in fridge ice dispenser.

3. Had a bad day? Your fridge-freezer is there for you. So the kids insist on kicking you in the leg and drawing on the newly decorated walls. After 4 hours of trying to bribe reason with them they have finally surrendered and fallen asleep. You still have a mountain of paper work to go through (don’t forget to wipe down the walls too). Threat no more the fridge is here for you grab an ice cold beer and some ice-cream before the wife emerges from the bath. The fridge-freezer demands that you have some “you time”.

4. Think of your beers and ready meals, they deserve a good home. Let’s face it (despite what your wife thinks) you rely on the odd ready meal to feed yourself and the kids on the nights she insists she needs to work anyway. Think about it; with a bigger, more efficient, fridge-freezer you can hide such meals better plus nobody will find that extra 4 pack of cans behind the salad draw.

5. It can protect you from nuclear explosions. If there is one thing that we all learned from the brilliant – and in no way a disgrace to the adventure genre – movie, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, it’s that climbing into your fridge will leave you unscathed and ready to embrace the aftermath of a nuclear holocaust. It’s in a movie, so it has to be 100% scientifically accurate. Nice one, Mr Fridge.

6. Man Drawer: fridge style. Here’s some food for thought if you’re diplomatic and extra complimentary to your other half maybe she will give you the huge privilege of having a man drawer: fridge style? Yeah just imagine a man drawer in your freaking fridge, your own refrigerated cubby hole to store all of your special treats. Let’s cut to the chase; it would basically be the ‘beer and meat’ drawer, with rules stipulating that all salads and low fat yoghurts be banished.

7. The fridge-freezer is the heart of any family home. No matter how you dress it, the fridge- freezer combo is an industrial giver of family happiness and joyous memories. Without it, chances are you would have died from food poisoning, starvation, heartbreak and spontaneous combustion. And really who wants that; not me! I would rather have a fridge-freezer. So I suggest you get yourself a new best friend; a fridge-freezer. Guaranteed not to break your heart.

Author Bio: Rachel Hurley spends her days working as a writer for Appliances Online. In her spare time she likes to rescue snails, watch Dexter and overdose on caffeine. She is also due to release her first solo single with Universal, entitled ‘Oh joyous Fridge’, with a B-side track ‘Refrigeration for the Nation’. Available to download now, only $9.95.

July 15, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons For Men To Have A Haircut

Photo By David Smith

1. Because Your Mum Tells You To. “If you don’t get a haircut today it’ll be bread and jam for dinner tonight.” Honestly, the way your Mum constantly moans about you having a haircut it would just be easier to shut the old drone up and have it done. No one would know that you’re 37 and left home 20 years ago.

2. To Re-invent Yourself. It’s time for you to completely re-vamp your image and so, armed with a picture of your favourite star which you’ve cut out from the Radio Times, you troop off down to the barbers. Half an hour later you emerge transformed; like a butterfly emerging from the pupa. Checking your reflection in every shop window, car wing mirror and muddy puddle that you pass, you feel reassured that you now look every inch the young rock-star around the town. If this doesn’t impress your fellow co-workers at the all-night garage then nothing will.

3. So You Can Stop Embarrassing Your Friends. If it’s been a while since you’ve had a decent haircut you might notice tell-tale signs of embarrassment among your friend. Perhaps they’ve started walking six paces behind you. Perhaps they now insist on buying you hats or scissors for your birthday/Christmas present. Or perhaps you’ve noticed that you don’t have any friends any more. If any of these signs manifest themselves it could be time to join the 21st century and sort out your barnet.

4. Because People Are Beginning To Mistake You For A Girl. When short-sighted builders start mistaking you for a lady and whistling at you from the scaffolding you know your hair is getting too long. A few savage cuts of the barber’s scissors and the situation is soon remedied. No more sprinting past the builder’s scaffolding for you.

5. Because You’re Lonely. The comforting candy stripes of the barber’s shop pole acts like a beacon of hope for many lonely folk. And no one will ever take as keen an interest in your holiday plans as the man who cuts your hair every month/week/day.

6. Because You’ve Had A Bad Haircut From Someone Else. You’ve been going to the same barber all your life but then you suddenly started to wonder what it would be like to visit another barber. And so you scratched the itch and now, humiliatingly, you find yourself back in your regular barber’s chair asking him to fix a botched haircut. You’ve betrayed him and learned your lesson. And nothing will ever be the same again.

7. Because You’ve Had A Bad Haircut From Yourself. There’s a recession on so you thought you’d save some money by investing in some electric clippers and cutting your own hair. Let’s face it anyone can cut hair can’t they? But you’ll soon discover that ‘cutting your own hair’ is just another one of those exceptions to that ridiculous phrase ‘if you want a thing done well, do it yourself’.

Author Bio: James Christie writes for UK business directory Thomson Local Business Directory. Use Thomson to find hairdressers near you.

May 11, 2012
7 Reasons That I’ve Been Baffled By Something That Isn’t A Doormat

“What do you think?” My wife enquired, prompting the man-klaxon to sound in my head. Alarmed by the…er…alarm, I took heed. The warning message of the man-klaxon was clear. It was telling me that under no circumstance should I say anything. Nor should I make any noise at all. It would also be prudent not to make any facial expression or move my hands, in case that could be interpreted as a gesture. Then she handed me this:

What is it?

1. What Is It? “What the buggery-bollocks is this?!” I didn’t say, thanks to the man-klaxon. What is this thing? I’ve seen many things before, but nothing that resembles this. It’s large and square at one end and tapers to a point at the other, could it be a mouse?

2. Technology Was Baffled Too. Breaking one of the rules of the man-klaxon, I feigned interest by means of a slight facial expression and pulled out my phone to photograph it, hoping that this would demonstrate some enthusiasm for the wonky mouse. What I was actually doing was using Google Goggles, a handy app that, if you photograph anything in the world, will tell you what it is. It didn’t know. Google Goggles was boggled. Bugger.

3. What Does It Do? Having been failed by the internet, it dawned on me that I was on my own. Why do babies never wake up screaming when you want them to? I was going to have to work it out by myself. Having failed to ascertain what the thing was by trying to interpret its form, I attempted to identify its function. The most functional looking part of it was a button on the front. But the button wouldn’t unbutton. It was just sewn on with nothing to attach it to. Perhaps it was an eye. Was this some sort of weird fish? A sea monster? Why would my wife make a sea monster? I couldn’t recall her bemoaning our lack of a sea monster at any point recently, so it seemed unlikely that she’d just make one on the spur of the moment.

4. What Does It Mean? There was a strange symbol in the middle, so I decided to concentrate on that. It clearly wasn’t a swastika, which was good (though if it had been second world war-related I would have fared far better at identifying it), but what was it? It looked like a snowflake, but the other thing that you may notice about it is that it is green. There’s a wise old saying that warns people never to eat yellow snow. It goes something like this: “Never eat yellow snow”. Well surely green snow must be even more fearsome than yellow snow! How the hell do you get green snow? What’s in that?!

5. Wait! A snowflake! A green snowflake and the majority of the thing’s red. Red and Green! Red and green should never be seen! It’s a Christmas thing! The only time of year that anyone with eyes would conceivably use red and green at the same time. It’s a Christmas…er…um…pencil?

6. A New Approach. Trying to work out what this thing was wasn’t going well. After all, I’d been regarding the seasonal pointy thing for ten minutes and my lack of any sort of response to her question might – if left for many more minutes – have raised suspicion. I decided to try another approach to working out what it was. An approach that I usually reserve for dire emergencies. I decided to try talking. “What the buggery-bollocks is this?!” I asked.

7. It’s A What?! The response was surprising. After my wife had struck me several times with the (surprisingly hard) Christmas thing, she blurted out, “It’s a house!” She then turned the object ninety degrees to the right. And that’s what it is. It’s obvious, really. It’s one of those traditional tree decorations, a Christmas house. Because no Christmas is ever complete without a Christmas house on the tree. It’s clearly the house of a person that lives in a Cath Kidston designed traffic cone, but it’s a house nonetheless. A Christmas house. For the tree.

Aaarrrrggghhhh!!!!

There’s only eleven weeks to go, so don’t forget to get your Christmas houses ready. I know I’ll be enjoying mine. In the shed, probably.*

*Note to self: Must build shed.

October 10, 2011
7 Reasons I’m Not Sure I Suit A Wig

The other day I was invited by the nice people at Alpecin to test whether I was likely to go bald or not. I did so using their revolutionary baldness calculator. The results – given that I am already of the receding kind – came as no surprise. I’m going to be balding by my early to mid-forties. Disappointing, but at least it’s just on my head. I would hate not being able to trap bubbles with the hairs on my legs whenever I have a bath. The likelihood that I’ll be as bald as a coot does’t bother me in the slightest, but on Alpecin’s recommendation, I decided to look in to the possibility of wearing a wig. The results, thanks to a little dodgy photoshopping, are mixed. Let me know what you think though. It means a lot to me.

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August 22, 2011
7 Reasons Dangling From A Tightrope Is A Good Place To Be

If anyone knows what’s been put in the water in Hunan Province of late, please tell us. The other week we had two men getting naked and covering themselves in bees and this weekend we’ve had Saimaiti Aishan clinging on to a steel wire for dear life after he slipped while trying to walk across a tightrope – 100m above ground – with no safety net. Were it not for a performance of pure idiocy in North London this weekend, Hunan Province would surely be crowned the bonkers capitial of the world. Or would it? Let’s be honest, isn’t hanging onto a steel wire, 100m above ground, knowing that if you let go you’ll die, actually a rather wonderful position to be in?

1. Time. You’re not going to be going anywhere in a hurry – unless you let go – which means you have time on your hands. Time to think. Time to reflect. How’s your life going? Are you happy? Is your job so boring that you need to play chicken with death? Would this challenge have been more exciting if you had tried to cross the tightrope while carrying a chicken? In this world, where everything and everyone seems to move so fast, it’s good to find some time to yourself.

2. Fitness. This is probably the ultimate test of your strength and fitness. While out running it’s too easy just to stop and walk the final mile home. While on the exercise bike it’s too easy to listen to your quads and decide five miles is enough. While skipping it’s too easy to be embarrassed by the school children who seem to have so much more co-ordination than you. When faced with a 100m drop, however, you won’t let go. You will push your body to the absolute limit trying to save yourself. Only when you have done this will you find out that you are a far more capable human being than you previously thought.

3. Views. Assuming you don’t choose to dangle over Bradford, this is the best view of the world you are ever going to get. Unlike any other form of mid-air hovering, dangling allows you a 360 degree view. Try getting that in a plane.

4. Friends. If you ever wanted to find out who really cares about you, this is the stunt for you. You probably think you know who your best friends are, but this really will separate those who like you for who you are and those who think they might get a drink out of this if they help you. Generally speaking, if someone positions themselves underneath you, looking like they will try and catch you if you fall, they are your best friend. However, if someone is waving at you and taking photos for their Twitter followers, you may delete them from Facebook immediately. Which is why it’s always a good idea to take your iPhone with you.

5. Talent. If the last time you tried gymnastics (and cried when you got stuck atop a climbing frame) was at Tumble Tots, this is the perfect opportunity to see how your Beth Tweddle skills have evolved over the years. Okay, pretending it’s a pummel horse probably isn’t the smartest idea, but using it as one of the parallel bars is certainly achievable. Not only might you find yourself a star of YouTube, you could also earn yourself a year’s supply of Lycra.

6. Peace. No phone calls from Barclays trying to sell you a debt. No Jehovah Witnesses trying to sell you religion. No former youth detention centre attendees trying to sell you dusters. No charity workers trying to make you feel guilty. Just peace. And quiet. So much so that you might even fall asleep and never get interrupted again. Beautiful.

7. Back To Earth Without A Bump. I know it’s probably a bit early in the morning to try and baffle you with science, but this needs to be said. A tightrope is a rope. Which is brilliant because it means when you have had enough of hanging around you can scurry along to one and cut it. Or, if you don’t have a Swiss Army Knife with you, you can gnaw at it. Eventually it will snap and you’ll swing towards the ground.* You couldn’t do this if you were dangling from the underside of a plane or hanging from the balcony on the 88th floor of a building could you?

*Yes, I appreciate that if you reached the end of the rope you could just haul yourself to safer ground. Like a hot air balloon. Or a building. But what if one of them was on fire? Here at 7 Reasons we make sure we think of everything.

August 8, 2011
7 Reasons These Excuses Are Not Silly

Ministers have released the top ten ‘silliest’ excuses as used by benefit cheats. If you haven’t read them yet, you’ll be able to watch the countdown on BBC Three later this year. It’s narrated by Richard Bacon with insights from a bloke who once pretended he didn’t work in Lidl. Understandably. My issue with this programme is that it’s clearly going to be an excuse to laugh at people who are unable to articulate. As such they sound stupid. Having looked through the excuses I am saddened that they are are deemed silly. At least seven are very legitimate. Here’s why:

Ladder Therapy

1. “I had no idea my wife was working! I never noticed her leaving the house twice a day in a fluorescent jacket and a ‘Stop Children’ sign.” – Hardly surprising given that this man is obviously blind. The ‘Stop Children’ signs don’t come in braille you know.

2. “I wasn’t aware my wife was working because her hours of work coincided with the times I spent in the garden shed.” – This man’s wife was clearly hiding the fact that she worked by playing an elaborate game of hide and seek. Every morning she told her husband to hide. He scurried off to the shed and only appeared when his wife returned home and shouted, “I give up!”

3. “He does come here every night and leave in the morning and, although he has no other address, I don’t regard him as living here.” – Shelter are a fantastic charity. For them to be pulled up on this is a disgrace and an insult. I suspect the thousands of volunteers who give up their time to help those less fortunate than themselves feel really great now. Well done ministers.

4. “I didn’t declare my savings because I didn’t save them, they were given to me.” – Is having a basic grasp on the English language seen as a bad thing now then? Surely to declare savings under the pretence that you saved them is fraud?

5. “I wasn’t using the ladders to clean windows, I carried them for therapy for my bad back.” – A man (or woman) with a whole lot of common sense. Instead of spending his (or her) benefits on expensive therapists, he (or she) purchased a ladder. It was just as effective and instead of weekly payments of £40, cost just an initial £15. I don’t understand why ministers have a problem with this. Surely they want people to show initiative? If people can find methods of lowering their outgoings how is that not a good thing? One day this man (or woman) might buy a bucket and become a window cleaner. Good for him (or her).

6. “We don’t live together he just comes each morning to fill up his flask” – Well, this clearly shows that sexism is still rife in the ministerial hood doesn’t it? Just because this woman is single, it doesn’t mean she wants to get into a relationship with every builder whose bum she spies. This woman is perfectly entitled to share her tea bags with whomever she wants. It’s 2011 for goodness sake.

7. “It wasn’t me working, it was my identical twin.” – Which only goes to prove that one half of Jedward always mimes.

May 31, 2011
7 Reasons That Having A Baby Can Be Hard On A Man
It’s Saturday. Or, as we call it around these parts, Richard O’Hagan Day. You see Richard, apart from being a fine writer, is on a mission. A mission to become the third permanent member of the 7 Reasons team. He may not have mentioned it out loud, he may not even realise it himself, but given the sheer number of O’Hagan works we have in the 7 Reasons ‘to be published’ vault, his sub-conscious wants it. Badly. Just take a look at these figures that show the origins of submissions and their associated percentages.
- USA – 28%
- UK – 23%
- Australia – 5%
- France – 3%
- Canada – 2%
- Pakistan – 2%
- India – 2%
- South Africa – 1%
- Muppetville – 1%
- Richard O’Hagan – 33%
Exactly. Incredible. And rather disturbing. Which is a shame really because the writer of The Memory Blog isn’t disturbing at all. He’s a great writer with lots of useful advice. Which he will now aptly demonstrate.

Three Men And A Byron

Oh, I know what you’re thinking. It is something along the lines of “He’s a man (allegedly). He knows nothing about how hard it is to have a baby. How DARE he try and offer an opinion on this.”

To which all I can say is, bear with me*, ladies. There’s a point to all of this. I am a father. Marc of this parish has just become father to The Legendary Byron Sebastian Fearns. And Jon has just got engaged, which means that fatherhood is marching towards him with the grim inevitability of a giant spider with a particularly juicy fly snared in its web. There are some serious points which he needs to be aware of, as do any men out there without issue. There’s a big temptation to think that the difficult bit comes around nine months before the birth, but that’s not the case. Once the baby arrives, life is hard for a man.

1. Being a Role Model. You’ve spend the last few decades of your life belching, breaking wind and yelling when you want to. Sorry, but there’s someone else in the house to do that now. Your role is now to be a positive role model for the child, which means an end to coming home bladdered at 3am and trying to make toast using the DVD player, no popping out to the shops and vanishing for three days, and absolutely no supporting Manchester United. (Unless your offspring will be Charlie Sheen’s grandson, in which case you’ve a family tradition to maintain. And even Charlie draws the line at the last thing).

2. Expense. Everyone says that babies are expensive. They’re not. It will be years before they crash your car, or you need to bail them out. People who look after babies, on the other hand, really are expensive. You will find yourself forking out hundreds of pounds a month just so that you can go to work to earn the money to pay the people who look after your child whilst you go to work. It is a cycle more vicious than the one that resulted in a baby in the first place.

3. Pain. Once your female partner has given birth, nothing on this earth is going to convince them that you are enduring any kind of pain whatsoever. The Black Knight in ‘Monty Python & The Holy Grail’ wasn’t brave, he just knew that he was never going to convince his Lady that having all of your limbs lopped off justified reaching for the Aspirin. Being a father means never being able to complain of a hangover again.

4. Language. Whilst we are at it, you might as well brace yourself for the fact that ladies in labour are not always the politest, and that you may be about to learn a few new words. All of them directed at you and several of them anatomically improbable.

5. Empathy. For many years, you and the prospective mother of your prospective child have lived in harmony, anticipating each other’s needs and desires. Having a baby will put an end to all of that. There are two questions that you should never ask a woman in labour, and one of them is “How does it feel?”** You should never ask this question, because you will receive an answer which puts you in the one situation in which you are unequipped to empathise. The answer is “Like the worst period pain ever”***

6. In-Laws. If you produce a baby, your in-laws will visit. Need I say more?

7. Space (Lack Thereof). You might be thinking that the saying that babies might be small but they need a lot of stuff is some sort of urban myth. There are certainly many urban myths about having a baby and you’d be right to disregard them**** but not this one. Work might expand to fill the time available, but nothing beats the rule which says that baby stuff expands to fill the space available. There’s a great temptation to think that you can get around this by moving to a bigger house, but it won’t work. There will still be stuff everywhere. And what is more, you’ll have to work more hours to pay the bigger mortgage, meaning you need more childcare, meaning that you need to work harder to pay for the childcare, and so on until death, really.

On the other hand, children are great fun and the hardship is well worth it. Yes, even the bits where she swears at you.

*I said bear WITH ME, not ‘bear down’. Stop it! Now! Think of the carpets!

**You’re not old enough to know the other one

***There’s actually a question on Facebook which says ‘Which hurts more, having a baby or a kick in the testicles’, which has only been answered by bigots and idiots. And the teenage daughter of a friend of mine, who has experience of neither.

****Disregard any books you might be given, too. The babies can’t read them and so have no idea what to do
May 7, 2011
7 Reasons To Take Your Lady To A Spar

Today it is my lady’s birthday. ‘My’ being me, Jon, and ‘lady’ being Claire. In the midst of discussing what she would like to do for her big day, I discovered that she’d really like to go to Bath Spar. My initial reaction was one of questioning. ‘Really?’ I thought, ‘You want to go to a Spar for your birthday?’ And then it dawned on me. She didn’t mean a Spar, she meant a spa. I thought about it. I did some research. I tried my swimming trunks on. And in the end I came to the conclusion that taking your lady to a Spar is so much better than taking her to a spa. Here’s why.

1. Types Of Water. Bath Spa offers warm water. Spar offers natural still water, spring water, purified water, mineral water, sparkling water, elderflower water, tonic water, isotonic water and loads of other waters that I really can’t be bothered to look up. That doesn’t matter though, I have offered enough. For variety take your lady to Spar. For tepid results take her to a spa.

2. Products. In a Spar you can purchase a vast range of suncreams, fake tans, cosmetics and plasters. All are new and nicely packaged. In a spa, while they may be free, these products are certainly not new. They are all mixed together along with hairs and dead skin cells and happily float about on top of the water. Who in their right mind would wish to expose their loved one to such an environment on their birthday?

3. Dressing Gowns. A spa is a fantastic place hiding place for people who have escaped from hospital. They’ll blend in seamlessly. You’ll have absolutely no idea which dressing gown adorned visitor is healthy, ill or dangerous. At least if you see someone in a Spar attired in just their dressing gown you know they’ll be recaptured very soon. Or they’ll head back to their halls of residence.

4. Sights. Let’s be honest, there are some people who perhaps don’t look after themselves as well as they should. As a result they are fatties. Fatties with clothes on the majority of us can just about bear, but fatties with no clothes on are a sight we wish we never have to witness. Spar, being a decent public service provider, have a rule. ‘Shoppers must wear clothes’. A spa of course just lets anyone and anything in.

5. Boredom. I have never been to a spa before but from what I hear there is a lot of sitting around in water doing not very much. A bit like when you fall asleep after Sunday lunch. I have, however, been to many a Spar. And many a Spar sells magazines and newspapers and even the occasional DVD. So the choice is simple. Take my lady to a spa so she’ll be bored for two hours or take her to a Spar where she can relax with a film, magazine and six hundred bottles of wine? I’m not an idiot.

6. Entry Fee. For a two-hour session at the Bath Spa it costs £25 per person. For a two-hour session at a Spar (not necessarily in Bath) it is free. This should be enough to persuade you, but should you need further evidence keep reading. If you don’t like the Spar, you can leave. You need not feel guilty about doing so and no one will ask you why. If you don’t like the spa however, what do you do? Well you’ll probably pretend that you do like it for a start. And then you’ll stay for the whole two hours so you get your money’s worth. There’s a complete logic fail in there somewhere. A massive one.

7. Associated Costs. So you’ve been in the spa. Now you’ve got to dry yourself and re-apply any make-up, hair wax or fake nails you may have lost. Then, when you get home, you have to use electricity to wash and dry your swimsuit and towel. This is all costing you money. When was the last time you went to a Spar and had to wash your towel because of it? Exactly, never. I’m not making my lady do unnecessary washing on her birthday. And neither should you.

*Happy Birthday Claire. Have a great day.

April 26, 2011