Tag: Lunch!

Guest Post: 7 Reasons There Is No Such Thing As A Free Lunch

It has, I think you’ll agree, been too long. Too long since Dr Simon Percy Jennifer Best sat on the 7 Reasons sofa and shared with us thoughts from the deepest sanctums of his mind. Today that changes. Because he’s back. He needs no further introduction so we’ll leave you in his capable hands. We’re off to the pub for lunch. He’s paying.

‘Free Lunch’ by The Ethicurean

“There’s no such thing as a free lunch” is one of those glib phrases that people trot out and everyone accepts without investigation in to its accuracy. Now you don’t need to, because here I give seven reasons as to why there really is no such thing as a free lunch.

1. Potential Suitors. Often on a date, especially in these enlightened times, people will spilt the bill. But there might be a rare occasion when you’re taken out for a meal and the other person offers to pay. “Great,” you think. “A free lunch!” Wrong. The chances are that they will want something in return, a walk along the beach, a goodnight kiss, your hand in marriage. Would you swap any of these for a spaghetti carbonara? No. Nor would I.

2. Aged Relatives. Imagine the scene. You’re an impoverished student and your Great Aunt Doris* rings you up and invites you round for Sunday lunch. “Great,” you say to yourself. “A change from tinned tuna and beans on toast, and a free lunch!” Wrong. You arrive and while the smell of roast beef is wafting through the house, Great Aunt Doris will ask you for help with something relatively straight forward, changing a light bulb for example…. By the time you’re able to escape several hours later you’ve cut the grass, creosoted the fence, put out the bins, cleaned out the guttering and regrouted the bathroom. You’ve saved her several hundred pounds and given vast quantities of labour in return for a bit of overcooked beef and soggy Yorkshire puddings.

3. Business Lunches. We’ve all been there. Arranging a meeting and your colleague/client says, “why don’t we meet over lunch, we can get it on expenses”. “Excellent,” you think. “A day that I don’t have to pay for an over-priced sandwich and get a free lunch!” Wrong. Okay, you can get to see people and impress your colleagues, but it requires you to talk to people and costs valuable time. There is a surefire rule that applies to meetings: not only do they cost valuable time, but you invariably leave them with more work to do than at the start. Is the free lunch worth it when you have to stay in work late and buy an expensive Chinese takeaway for dinner so you don’t collapse with starvation before you get home?

The same applies to conferences where, although the lunch is free, the cost is to your soul. It dies around the same time as the first speaker puts up his fourteenth powerpoint slide.

4. Friends With Children. There is a stage in many people’s lives where you are single, but have friends who are married with kids. You probably get to see these friends less often. Then, when summer starts they ring you, “come round for a barbecue, we’ve still got lots of wine left over from Timmy’s christening so there’s no need for you to bring anything”. You’re free, you want to see them and excited at the prospect of free food AND drink. Well, calm your excitement. This invitation is just a thinly veiled ruse by the parents to neck as much chardonnay as they can while their hyperactive children, thrilled by the novelty of a new adult, begs you to play with them. As for the free lunch? Not a bit of it. Okay, you get plenty of grilled chicken and salad and a couple of glasses of wine. Cost to you: a dry cleaning bill for your grass stained trousers, a new hat after your panama is used as a Frisbee and a large chiropractors bill having been rugby tackled by “little” Jamie, who is nine years old but already the size and weight of Brian Moore.

5. Parents Of Your Future Spouse. Picture the scene. You’ve been with your girlfriend/boyfriend/partner for a respectable length of time. Then one day they say to you, “my parents have invited us for lunch on Sunday” Cue you breaking out into a cold sweat about what to take them. Your partner reassures you that their mother doesn’t need flowers, and their father doesn’t need a bottle of Scotch. “Phew,” you think. “A free lunch!” Wrong. You’re on to a loser here. If it goes badly and you’re (even inadvertently) rude about them/their house/their food/their dog or, perhaps worse, you’re too friendly and don’t give your partner enough attention, then you pay by having to buy them presents in recompense. If it goes really well it will progress your relationship to the stage where it costs you a hefty amount for an engagement ring or your life if you find yourself married to them.

6. Single Friends. I, like lots of people, have single friends who are, lets face it, what can charitably be described as “hard work”** When your friend that fits that description sends you an innocuous text message saying, “let’s meet for lunch, my treat,” you may think that means a free lunch and a pleasant afternoon. That text message notification should actually be an alarm bell, as what it actually means is an afternoon where you spend hours counselling them about their life, their job, their latest (failed) relationship, clothes and the price of garden furniture. This involves you consuming the annual output of a medium sized French vineyard to cope. They join you in polishing off several bottles, then when the bill comes they say, “I’ll pay for the food, can you get the wine?”. Free lunch? Not a bit of it. There’s a very real prospect that you will need to remortagage your house to pay your credit card bill that month.

7. Yourself. Clearly the only safe person to have lunch with is yourself, you would be paying so obviously it wouldn’t be a free lunch, but it’s likely it will be cheaper than the other options.

*If you don’t have a Great Aunt Doris then you can imagine my Great Aunt Doris.

** I don’t rule out the possibility that I am, for some of my friends ‘hard work’.

October 15, 2011
7 Reasons Being Left-Handed Is Not All It’s Cracked Up To Be

The two of you who read Friday’s post will know that Saturday was Left-Handers’ Day. To join in with the fun I decided that I would be an honorary left-hander for the day. How hard could it be? The problem was, by the time I had remembered I was supposed to be being left-handed for the day, I had already been right-handed for six hours. It didn’t really seem right to do a half-hearted job so I vowed to be a left-hander on Sunday instead. Only, I forgot. Again. So I wrote myself a note. On Monday I would be a left-hander. And I was. This is my story.

1. Tea. A disaster. From start to finish. Usually I am programmed to pour with my left hand and stir with my right. Having rewired myself – while the pouring was just as effective – the stirring was abysmal. I just couldn’t get into a rhythm. Tea was sloshing over the side. Across the work-surface. Onto the floor. And then there was the flicking off the tea-bag into the bin using the spoon. I missed the bin. I suspect you’re thinking it couldn’t get any worse? Sadly, it did. By the time I had finished we seldom had half a cup of tea between us. Shocker.

2. Writing Freehand Stylee. I made a few phone calls yesterday. That’s nothing new. I often like to leave answerphone messages for myself so I feel loved. Yesterday though I actually called some people who weren’t, never have and never will be me. I didn’t tell them though, it would have been bad for their morale. I used my left-hand to key in the number and hold the phone to my ear. This wasn’t a problem. During the course of the first call though it became abundantly obvious that I needed to make some notes. It’s at the point that I should have probably given up, used my right-hand and pretended this entire episode never occurred. But, dear reader, that would not be fair on you. If there is one thing we are on 7 Reasons, it is honest. So for your benefit I carried on in my pursuit of left-handed glory. I held the phone between my left-shoulder and left-ear and wrote with my left-hand. The result of all this is that I have a meeting on Thursday morning. Not that you would know unless you were hacking my phone at the time.

3. Application Of Cosmetics. On Sunday I got burnt by the vicious Kent 20 degrees sunshine. So come yesterday I was giving Sitting Bull a run for his money. As a result I needed to up the moisture levels of the affected areas using the various lotions and potions I could find lying around the house. Sadly for you I didn’t go for the tomato salsa. Instead I used Vaseline’s Essential Moisture Daily Body Lotion. It’s a tremendous product and I heartily recommend it. Applying it to my face with my left-hand was a doddle. I only wish I had recorded it for a ‘How To’ video on YouTube. Then came the difficult part. Tradition would have it that I apply moisture to my left arm using my right hand. I am sure you can work out what I had to do. The result was not only highly ineffective it also made me look as if I was doing The Funky Gibbon. Only it wasn’t funky and I didn’t have the Steve Wright intro or the future prospect of shrinking like Bill Oddie. Is it really possible to shrink about twenty inches while working with Kate Humble?

4. Mice. Having made half a cup of tea, written something even MI5 would struggle to decipher and performed an impromptu display of Swan Lake on acid, you would have thought not much more could go wrong. That’s when I tuned the computer on and realised I would have to bring the mouse to the other side of the keyboard. After an hour I was fairly proficient in keeping the cursor on the screen. Remembering which finger to click with though is something I never got used to. I was in and out of the recycle bin more times than a school-child watching Blue Peter. I also ended up watching Vanilla’s 1997 smash-hit No Way No Way. I’m still not entirely sure how.*

5. Lunch. Not difficult as such, just dangerous. Knives and Jonathan Lee don’t mix at the best of times. Throw in the fact that I was cutting left-handed while performing The Funky Gibbon in a sunburnt state to the rhythmic beats of Vanilla’s No Way No Way and it’s the kind of thing only a sick pervert would want to witness. As it happened he only stayed for the first half.

6. Photography. The more observant of you will note that every post on 7 Reasons is accompanied by a photo. Most of the time we just borrow one from Google Images, but on the odd occasion we carefully craft our own. Today’s photo – as I would hope you have guessed – is a first edition Lee. It seemed silly to write about my triumphs as a left-hander and then use someone else’s work to highlight it. Which is why I took the photo above. Never would I have thought using a camera would be an issue for a left-hander. But of course it is. I don’t know, maybe lefties actually use their right index finger and right thumb to press the various buttons and change settings? I guess it would make sense. Unfortunately for me though, 7 Reasons rarely makes sense. As such I used solely my left-hand to take the photo above. Twenty-three attempts it took me to finally take one that was both in focus and actually featured anything other than the floor.

7. Writing Keyboard Stylee. Having found six of my seven reasons in such quick time, I began to write this post yesterday afternoon. That brought with it its own problems. When you look at this post and compare it with Marc’s essays, you would wager that this post took far fewer hours to write. Oh how wrong could you be? Very actually. The whole point of being left-handed for the day was to use my left hand when on all other days of the year I use my right. As such my right hand went to the left-half of the keyboard and my left to the right. Three hours later this is the result.

*Honestly, I’m not. You have to believe me.

August 16, 2011
7 Reasons That It’s Great to be Back

We’re back! We’ve been away and while we’ve been away things have happened and that was lovely. But now we’re back, and it’s great to be back. Here are seven reasons why.

1. We’re Bigger And Better. Since we’ve been away, we’ve grown. Now we’ve come back bigger and better than ever. Bigger because Marc has used the holiday to practice his eating, and better because…well, we’re bigger than ever. More is more.

2. We’re A Force For Good. Last week we did the Osama Bin Laden gag to end all Osama Bin Laden gags and now he’s dead. Coincidence? We think not. There’s no telling what we’ll be able to bring about next just by poking fun at it. We’re hoping it’ll be untold riches or a book deal or something, but if we inadvertently end global poverty, homophobia or Masterchef then so-be-it. We make things happen.

3. We Keep France Honest. Ever alert, ever vigilant, the 7 Reasons team (well, Jon, he’s nearest) is keeping an eye on France. Now that 7 Reasons is back, there’s almost no Frenchist act of treachery or stupidity that you won’t get to know about. You’ll hear it right here first. It’ll be like being in Paris but with tea and no glass pyramid. Unless you have a glass pyramid in your house which, on balance, would be very weird. Why would you have one of those? Why?

4. We Give You A Sense Of Purpose. We post every day. Without fail*. So when 7 Reasons appears in the morning/afternoon/evening/at bedtime (delete as appropriate based on location/how slowly the team are writing that day) you know it’s a day. And that it’s a different day to yesterday. And to tomorrow, though you won’t know that until tomorrow is today, which is when a new 7 Reasons post appears. Yay!

5. We Are Refreshed, Rejuvenated, Reinvigorated And Many Other Words That Begin With Re. Before we took a break we said that we would come back more creative and so far today we’ve looked at the ceiling for a bit. We’ve also come up with a new blog idea called Lunch Wars in which we post pictures of our lunches and Lunch Wars readers get to vote for their favourite. It’s the ultimate lunch-versus-lunch death-match to the death; the most awesome epic sandwichy battle you’re ever likely to see; a titanic struggle of biblical proportions in which two sandwiches – two trained, honed butties at their physical peak – go head to head in colossal combat…

6. We Need To Do This. Because the 7 Reasons team have wives and children and fiancés and parents and siblings and nephews and nieces and cousins. And a friend. And when we’re not busy reasoning here, we’re busy hanging out with them and talking about sandwiches. And they need a break from us. They’ve grown haggard over the last fortnight. Haggard. And they get very upset when their sandwiches lose.

7. We’re Shiny And New. Look! Look around**, we’ve revamped almost everything. There’s stuff that lights up and stuff that moves and stuff that changes colour and probably stuff that stays still too. And there’s some stuff over there. Just look around and click on things. You can’t wear them out (hopefully). Go forth and look at the shiny-shiny. We’ll be back tomorrow***.

*With some fail.

**If you’re reading this on your Kindle stop looking around.

***Today?

May 3, 2011