Like me, you’ve probably spent a lot of time thinking, “My dog’s pretty cool, but how amazing would it be to have a pet that’s really unique, like a dragon or a yeti?” This is an entirely reasonable question, and one you should not be ashamed of. The world can only take so many Labradoodles and Puguauas, after all.
But apart from the inconvenient fact that most of these mythical creatures are difficult to source, let alone adequately care for, there are better reasons for re-discovering why canines are top dog when it comes to the pet question. Unless, that is, someone knows how I can get my hands on a griffin.
1. Sasquatch. Call it what you will – Sasquatch, Yeti, Bigfoot – just don’t call it a good pet. Where to start? Well for one thing, can you imagine how much an overgrown ape-man would eat? You can reason with a dog. A dog will be happy with whatever you give it, and the more care you put into your best friend’s diet, the more he will love you. A Sasquatch? I’ve heard a lot of things about Sasqui, but gratitude and loyalty have never featured among them. And while we’re on the topic, Bigfoot’s a bit of a lazy name for a hairy, lumbering creature with a stout base, and anyway it’s not very nice. Even if they’re big, dumb, graceless oafs, Sasqui have feelings, too.
2. Ewoks. Do you know what Ewoks do when they’re not on camera? They greet everything – soft furnishings, cuddly toys, home appliances – with a fervour that’s indelicate and overly familiar. Ewoks aren’t discerning and they’re not discreet. If you thought your Schnauzer could be a little uncouth sometimes, believe me, you do not want to leave an Ewok alone with your Great Aunt Marge’s leg.
3. Nessie. Oh come on, no one really believes in the Loch Ness Monster.
4. Dragons. Dragons are notoriously high maintenance. Your dog is quite happy to make do with a small bed or an area on the carpet she can continually scratch in hopes of scrunching it into something bed-like. A dragon needs a whole cave and I don’t know about you, but affordable caverns are pretty hard to come by in my neck of the woods. A dog’s breath may make you gag, but it’s not going to singe your eyebrows (probably.) A dog won’t lay waste to everything in its path (probably.) A dog won’t demand its own iTunes account or want to watch every episode of Loose Women ever made or sit around flicking its tail insolently and leaving little bits of chainmail everywhere. You really want high maintenance? Get a cat.
5. Robots. Look, you can have a robot if you want to. Nobody’s stopping you. It’s just robots make stupid pets, even robots that look like dogs. Especially robots that look like dogs. They’re not exactly going to shower you with unconditional love and affection, are they? They’re just machines that do what you tell them to do. Until they develop independent thought and decision-making capabilities, turn on you, destroy your home, steal your identity and take your favourite Def Leppard t-shirt. Not so cool then, are they?
6. Griffins. I’ve got to be honest, I really can’t think of a good reason not to have a pet that’s part-lion, part-eagle and all bad-ass. If anyone’s got a griffin for sale, just name your price.
7. Unicorns. Unicorns cannot play fetch. This is a fact. Some believe it’s because their magical sparkly horn gets in the way and punctures anything thrown to them, but that’s not the real reason. The real reason is that unicorns are plonkers. They’re petulant and temperamental and usually huffy. They care too much about not messing up their rainbow flowing mane and not enough about retrieving. Unicorns are essentially self-absorbed muppets.
Wait! Muppets! Now that’s a pet I could go for.
