Tag: Jonathan Lee

Election Special: 7 Reasons I Managed To Stay Up All Night

Yesterday, there was a general election. You may have noticed. The results came in over night. I was there. Throughout. This is how I did it.

10:00pm. So we have an Exit Poll – which it turns out is very different from an exit pole. It’s going to be Hung Parliament time. I can hardly contain myself. So I don’t and have a biscuit. Ten minutes into the programme and the BBC have a screen fail. Unfortunately, there was no screen fail while Dorothy was walking along the Yellow Brick Road. Or was it Jeremy Vine bouncing down Downing Street? Who cares. The BBC try and talk to Michael Gove. He’s mute. I don’t blame him. Jeremy Paxman is asking silly questions. Oh no, Gove has stopped being mute. And worse luck, so has Harriet Harman. I note her choice of nose this evening. I’m not sure why I note it, but I do. Some twats in Sunderland seem to think they are on Record Breakers. Tossers.

11.00pm. The first hour wasn’t too bad. I feel relatively fresh. Mind you, I am not usually in bed by this time anyway. Not that I need to share my bedroom habits with you. And I hope you don’t want to share yours with me. (But if you do we have an email address: [email protected]). I’ve got the munchies now. My fridge shouts sausages at me. Not literally. That would wake the neighbours. I ignore them anyway. Another biscuit. Labour are winning 1-0-0-0 by the way. Jeremy Vine is playing virtual dominoes. Esther Rantzen is on my screen. It brings back memories of Hearts Of Gold. In the meantime, Fiona Bruce seems to be finding everything absolutely hilarious. I don’t know why. This is boring.

Midnight. And we are into a new day. The day we get a new government. Or not. Ken Clarke just made me giggle. Some sly comment about Paxman cutting away from him to show Gordon Brown arrive at his count. David Cameron has gone to the pub. It’s 00:33. Late license? Blimey I need a drink. Stricnine ideally. Only three seats in so far. Why is it so slow? Eyelids beginning to feel a little heavy now. David Dimbleby is angry. Very angry. It’s a scandal apparently. I think he’s talking about people getting turned away from polling stations, but I am distracted by thoughts of him in the boardroom. Not in a dirty way. In a Sir Alan Sugar getting annoyed with the candidates way. I wonder what Sir Alan Sugar is doing tonight. Subbuteo is my guess. I used to love that game. Time for another biscuit.

1:00am. The Tories still haven’t won a seat, but boy they’re swinging hard. Mind you the Baltimore Orioles swing hard every year and look where that has got them in the AL East. I’m talking about baseball now. How did that happen? Oh yes, I was thinking about swinging. Cameron just stroked his wife’s bottom. Nice touch. I feel drunk. Which is odd considering I haven’t had a drink since Saturday night. I think I need to start now though. Twenty-three seats declared. David Blunkett has admitted defeat. I think he has fired off a bit too early to be honest. But as the camera won’t pan downwards, I’ll never be able to confirm this.

2:00am. And we’ve made it to 2am. The Tories have won some seats, Labour have won some more seats and the Lib Dems appear to be going backwards. Which is odd. Nick Robinson agrees with me. It is odd. But enough of this election nonsense, I am back on the tea. Not that I ever really left it. It’s just been a while since my last cup. Like forty minutes. Now I’m having a look at Twitter. There is a lot of hate out there isn’t there? My political views – and they are mainstream – make me anything ranging from a ‘deluded prick’ to a ****. I chuckle to myself heartily. The Sex Education Show is on Channel 4. I’m not watching it, I just pressed guide to see what else was on. Now someone’s talking Welsh. What’s the point?

3:00am. My freeview box wants to do a daily service update. Cameron wants to talk. Seeing as I watched Brown do his speech after he held on to his seat, I’ll give Cameron his moment. He doesn’t seem to know what he’s talking about though. Fair enough, he hasn’t been to sleep for months. We’ve got a race to the first hundred on now. It’s neck and neck. Not anymore it’s not… oh, yes it is! No, it’s not! Yes, it is! I’m doing Murray Walker impressions. And The Tories win, win, win! Well that was fun. That’s kept me going for the last thirty-minutes. Now I’m screwed. I’m not going to survive another hour before we get to 200. Fiona Bruce is still high I see.

4:00am. And now I enter my 7th hour. Nick Clegg holds on to his seat. But he doesn’t look too happy. Maybe someone ate his Mars bar. That is just about the worst feeling ever. I have a headache now. Sleep deprivation beginning to bite. And now it’s raining. I wonder if the Tories need less seats under the Duckworth-Lewis system? I ask Marc. He doesn’t know. His cat thinks he knows though. Marc has been talking to his cat. I wish I had a cat. Would be so much more interesting than talking to myself. It’s definitely going to be a hung parliament then. In that case I’m going to bed. I leave the situation standing at 224-167-36-26. It’s been fun. No, actually, it hasn’t.

May 7, 2010
7 Reasons These Opening Lines Are Not Classics

It is said that the following seven opening lines are some of the best written. I disagree. In fact I believe them to be vastly overrated. This is why.

1. “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.” Pride and Prejudice. Jane Austen. 1813. I think one only has to look at the case of Sir Elton John to realise that this is not a truth universally acknowledged at all. Nor is it acknowledged locally.*

2. “It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.” 1984. George Orwell. 1949. Bollocks. I suppose the sundial was pointing to half-past twenty-seven too.

3. “He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish.” The Old Man And The Sea. Ernest Hemmingway. 1952. If the old man doesn’t have the sense to move to a different location after eighty-four days then I fail to see how I am going to be inspired by his intelligence for the ensuing chapters. Nor his fishing technique.

4. “It was love at first sight.” Catch-22. Joseph Heller. 1961. Now I am a romantic. I know this because I have Notting Hill and Love Actually on DVD, but I can’t believe in love at first sight. Lust, yes. Nausea, certainly. But not love. This wasn’t love. It was just a deep attraction to this person’s physical appearance. I assume it was a person. I didn’t get beyond the line to find out. It could have been a new toaster. But even so, it wasn’t love.

5. “I write this sitting in the kitchen sink.” Dodie Smith. I Capture The Castle. 1948. I suppose I should have had an idea what to expect when I read the title. This book is about a drug addict. Who owns a large sink. Not for me.

6. “When Mr Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventyifirst birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much talk and excitement in Hobbiton.” The Fellowship Of The Rings. J.R.R Tolkein. 1954. How the hell did this get made into a film? In fact, how the hell did it get made into a book? For two years I have been trying to get my book published and I can guarantee you my first line makes more bloody sense than this rubbish. The next 10,000 lines maybe not, but the first line definitely.

7. “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.” Charles Dickens. A Tale Of Two Cities. 1859. I don’t know whether Mr. Dickens is being hypocritical on purpose here or just can’t make his bloody mind up. Poxy fence sitters. I bet this was on the Liberal Democrats reading list in the pre-Nick Clegg days. It’s probably been replaced by something with a nice cover now.**

*This is not a subtle attempt to come out. I’m not coming out. Because I don’t need to. And that’s not because I have come out in the past. I haven’t. Mainly because I don’t think like Sir Elton John.***

**The Conservative Party’s book of choice is, Slaughterhouse-Five, while Labour’s is, The Catcher In The Rye. You can look up the first lines.

***So, to sum up, I’m straight.

May 5, 2010
7 Reasons The Brylcreem Batting Challenge Is Flawed

The Brylcreem Batting Challenge puts you in the shoes of Kevin Pietersen and tells you to smack the ball as far as you can. It sounds like fun. And it was. Until I started getting bored and noticed how much better it could be.

1. The Ball. It’s bloody huge. It should break KP’s bat. Does it? Of course not. In fact it can be hit as far as a giant India-based jelly. As we shall see in a minute.

2. KP’s Neck. He hasn’t got one. I have seen Kevin Pietersen in the flesh. And there was quite a sizable neck on show. So where the hell has it gone? If they wanted a cricketer without a neck they should have called Gladstone Small.

3. Barbados. According to Brylcreem this is Barbados. Not only is it very small it would appear that a three toed giant is buried under the beach.

4. The Giant Lizard. This lizard is just across the sea from Barbados – on a beach in St. Vincent and the Grenadines by my calculations. That’s some 100 miles away. That scale makes this lizard approximately 65 miles long. Thank goodness my shot landed in the water. I would hate to have riled it.

5. India. At least I assume this is India. That is where I thought the Taj Mahal was situated. It’s quite hard to tell though when you have the Sydney Opera House and a giant jelly in the background.

6. New York. We started in England, then we went to the West Indies, then India, then Australia. I can understand that. Proper cricket nations in a proper cricket game. So why the hell have I just ended up in the Big Apple? Where is South Africa or Sri Lanka or New Zealand?

7. The Brylcreem Zone. It is not so much the fact that I ended up in the Brylcreem Zone that frustrates me – this is the objective of the game – it’s what I get for arriving here. My style is upgraded and I get a bonus 2000 points. Is that it? I have just twatted a ball from London to the Brylcreem Zone and all I get is a style upgrade and 2000 meaningless bonus points? Where the hell is my 10% discount code? Why is KP not nodding his appreciation? Has his big head fallen off? What a waste of bloody time.

May 3, 2010
Russian Roulette Sunday : Advertising

Hi, Marc here. Happy Sunday. At 7 Reasons we’re very serious about bringing a new audience to our website and we work very hard to spread the word about it. We don’t have much of an advertising budget though – which is why we’re always delighted when people retweet our work and use the Share buttons – but we thought that, as we’ve already got our own money invested in 7 Reasons, we really should splash out a bit on advertising. Now we couldn’t afford much but we reasoned (that’s our speciality) that with the global economic downturn, and Jon’s contacts in the advertising business, we should be able to find someone that could professionally put together an advert to suit our budget. The guys that made it haven’t worked for a while, so they were delighted to help. Here’s what they came up with.

7 Reasons Pearl & Dean Advert

So, to summarise, please keep retweeting and using the Share buttons. Thanks.

May 2, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Freckles Are Genius

It’s Saturday. And you know what that means. Marc and I are allowed up from the sofa to stretch our legs. In our place this week is Claire Quinn. (You can follow her extraordinary life on twitter here). And, in something of an historic moment, she actually is sitting on the 7 Reasons sofa. Well the London half of it anyway. The other half is in York. It could be said that she has freckles. But she doesn’t care. And this is why.

This Isn't Me. Or Claire.

1. Practical Games For The Children. Anything from connect the dots – or join the freckles as it would be in this case – to learning to count can be done with freckles. Assuming they are using your freckles, well, you can have some fun too. Frowning is really going to muck-up their sums.

2. Suncream Saver. The more freckles you have, the less suncream you need to use; you only need to apply the lotion in-between said freckles. All the money that you save could be spent on something else. Like gin! :O)

3. Spot Cover Up. No one really likes spots – I guess there is a sadistic pleasure in squeezing them – but no one wants them on show. Which is why people cover them up, but with freckles you don’t have to! Ooo so you save money again – make-up purchases are fewer than the average non freckly personage.

4. It’s All In The Name. Freckles aren’t just called freckles. They also go by the name of fern tickles. This makes them special. Birth marks don’t have another name. Moles don’t have another name. Spots could be called ‘blemishes’ I suppose, but that’s in no way the same.

5. Look Browner. So it might just be from a distance – up close you just look like you’re covered in freckles – but from a distance you do look completely tanned. There is bound to be someone out there who likes the ol’ ‘tanned at a distance, freckle-ly up close’ appearance and if there isn’t please don’t tell me.. because I’m counting on that!

6. The Lovers. If you have a lover you can get them to kiss all your freckles. If you have a lot of freckles like me it will mean you will get a lot of attention. If you don’t, ask the cat*.

7. A Feature. Most people have something about them they would rather change. Maybe it’s a big nose or big ears or just one big ear or maybe a small ear or maybe nothing ear related at all. Maybe it’s a birthmark right in the middle of their forehead. Or maybe they have ginger hair. If these people were asked what they would swap them for, they would say freckles. No one would swap freckles for one big ear and one small ear would they?

*Or kitty.

May 1, 2010
7 Reasons To Walk Backwards

1. Improved Awareness Of The Spacial Kind. When you are walking forwards, you generally don’t think about what is behind you. In fact, I would go so far as to say you are only thinking about what’s in front of you. And maybe that dog to your left. Walk backwards though and not only are you aware of what is in front of you – which is actually behind you – but you are also thinking about what is behind you. Which is actually in front of you.

2. Improved Moves On The Floor Of Dance. The only reason people don’t like dancing is because they are too self-conscious. And they are self-conscious because they are rubbish. So rubbish that they make Rick Astley look like Wayne Sleep. I am one of these people. I do make Astley look like Sleep. Sorry about that. However, I have always thought that – if push came to shove – I’d be able to do that walking backwards move Michael Jackson did. Or the moonwalk as he labelled it. Turns out I can’t. With lots of walking backwards I can only improve though.

3. Improved Chances Of Burning That Fat. Let’s be honest, if you can’t see where you are going you are more likely to walk off in the wrong direction. More walking = less fat.

4. Improved Chances Of Getting To Your Destination Without Moaning. The problem with walking forwards is that you can see your destination. This is usually bloody miles away. Even if it’s the local pub. You can never get there quick enough. It saps all motivation and you are in a bad mood for the rest of the walk. Spin on your heels and walk backwards though and suddenly there is no reason to get in a bad mood. Instead you can concentrate on the local plant life. Or chavs as they are more commonly known.

5. Improved Chances Of Rekindling Your Youth By Playing Bumper Cars* Again. If you walk backwards you will be able to see those who want to try and overtake you. Folding your arms and jinking from side-to-side on the pavement may just convince your nemesis to do the same. Suddenly you are embroiled in the best game of Bumper Cars ever. Even better than when you drove so hard into Ben Watford that he flew backwards and fell over the wall.**

6. Improved Facial Expression Comprehension. I like holding hands (probably because the BBC told me I’m a male lesbian). Generally this is the hand of someone else as opposed to my own. To be precise it’s the hand of the real genius behind most of my posts. (No, not Marc’s). The real genius occasionally lends her hand to me if I’ve been good. The problem is that holding someone else’s hand involves walking side-by-side. This is not the most practical position in which to hold a conversation. Unless you both turn to face each other you can’t see their expressions or indeed where they are looking. As a result she can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic and he can’t tell if she’s talking to him or that horse again. If he walks backwards then they can look at each other. And live happily ever after. Or until she pushes him into the road. Whichever comes first really.

7. Improved Chances Of Reducing Carbon Monoxide. Walking over a zebra crossing backwards – and then spinning on your heels halfway before heading back in the same direction – has to be the quickest way to cause road rage. And thus the removal of licenses.**

*I’m not actually sure how well known Bumper Cars is. Basically, all you do is run around the playground with your arms folded and…erm…bump into people. I don’t do this anymore. I have been banned from the playground.

**That may have just been me. And he was a bully. So it’s okay.

*** Don’t try this at home. (It won’t work. Try the road).

April 29, 2010
7 Reasons The Birthday Tea Could Have Gone Better

1. The Present. Make sure you give it to your girlfriend before she goes to work. Otherwise you will spend all day worrying about whether she will like it or not. In this state of anxiety you may forget the more important things. Like taking your wallet to Sainsburys with you.

2. Balloons. These should not be blown up near cacti. Not only will it give you heart palpitations, you will also feel a massive prick.

3. Banners. It really helps if you notice before you get to the till that you have picked up a ‘Congratulations Birthday Boy!’ banner instead of, for example, a ‘Happy Birthday Girlfriend’ one.

4. Birthday Cake. No matter how sturdy the box looks, the cake really, really should not be placed at the bottom of your shopping bag. At an angle. Unless you want to lose the walnut topping that is.

5. Cocktail Sticks. There really is no point in buying them if you forget to buy something to put on them. And no, mini Gingerbread Men are not an adequate substitute for mini sausages.

6. Sandwiches. Generally, cucumber and cream-cheese sandwiches taste like they should when they have cucumber in them. Otherwise they just taste like cream-cheese sandwiches. It seems pretty obvious, but you’ll be amazed at the number of people who forget.

7. The Gingerbread Men. Don’t open them and have a couple at lunchtime just because you are hungry. It makes it look like you have decided to buy party food because you want to eat it and not because you think it will make your girlfriend smile.

*None of these are from personal experience. Or at least not all of them.

April 27, 2010
Russian Roulette Sunday: The 7 Reasons Q&A Session In Video Format

This doesn’t really need an introduction. Just press play. Or if that doesn’t work, email us and ask for a transcript. We won’t send you one, but we like to be asked.

The 7 Reasons Q&A Session

The winner of last week’s Eighth Reason Competition was Robert. A. Foot. Partly as he was the only one to give a reason and partly because he is already owed a badge for his Guest Post last Saturday. This just reminds me to send it to him.

April 25, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Musical Chairs Is Not Just For Birthdays

Joining us on the 7 Reasons sofa this week is a packet of biscuits. Unfortunately, a packet of biscuits is incapable of writing a 7 Reasons post. Even when they are ginger nuts. As a result, I – that’s me – have been dragged into the office on a Saturday to entertain you. It better be bloody worth it. Show me you love me. Thumb me up.

Via http://www.fantasticalreality.com/

1. Speed Dating. There are so many reasons to introduce musical chairs to speed dating. Seven in fact. That is the correct number. It lets you see who is the fastest, the fittest and the least sweaty potential date. You can see who wants you more. They will go for the chair opposite you everytime. You can see who has a shocking taste in music. That’ll be the guy who skips a bit when Madonna’s ‘Material Girl’ comes on. Actually that’s two birds with one stone. You can also spot the best movers. And finally of course, you can see who can handle their drink the best. Literally I mean. The last thing you want is to bring someone back to yours who so readily spills red wine.

2. Getting Tables In Popular Restaurants. Now I’m quite good at getting tables in restaurants that are apparently always full. It’s not because I am well known, it’s because I book about five years ahead. I don’t see why so-called ‘celebrities’ should be able to just turn up and get a table though. What have they ever done apart from sell copies of Heat? Musical chairs gives power back to the people. They would beat a celebrity to a chair anyday. Okay, so they won’t be able to pay the bill, but that’s why you play musical chairs again at the end of the meal. Richard Bacon can pay it.

3. A Seat On The Bus/Train/Tube. It always annoys me when people don’t offer their seat to the elderly or those who look like they might be about to keel over. I’m not saying I’m perfect, there has been the odd time when I’ve made a pregnant woman have her contractions standing up, but in general I do offer up my seat. But I don’t see why it should always be me. I have as much right to sit down as the plank with his jeans round his knees. I couldn’t give a damn if he says he has to sit down otherwise they’ll be around his ankles. He should invest in a sodding belt. Or better still remain as he is. We play musical chairs; he’ll trip over; I get a seat. Result.

4. The Prime Minister. I don’t know about you, but whenever I watch PMQs it always annoys me that Gordon Brown never answers the bloody question. And the same applies to Tony Blair and John Major and everyone else who has had that seat. It’s about time we found out if anyone in the House of Commons can actually give a straight answer. A game of musical chairs is the most obvious way of finding out. (We’ll go clockwise. That means Harriet Harman is our last resort).*

5. The Cinema. It’s not like the theatre where you pay more for the best view. In the cinema you pay £12 (well you do where I live) whether you are in the perfect position to see the whole screen or just the perfect position to gain neck ache. Let’s sort it out. Everyone gets ten seconds in each seat. Genius.

6. My Lounge. In fact this applies to every lounge, dining room, kitchen, conservatory and reception room I have ever had the pleasure of living in. I always end up with ‘my’ chair. It’s not ‘my’ chair per se – apart from in this house because actually all the chairs are mine – it’s just the chair I have a habit of sitting in all the time. It’s not good for the cushions. They need another person to sit differently on them. I suppose I could just say, ‘Let’s swap seats’ but I live with a girl and she’ll probably just think I am accusing her of being fat, heavy lump. Which she’s not.

7. The 7 Reasons Sofa. Like me, I bet you have always wondered what would happen if I Marc and I swapped positions on the 7 Reasons sofa. The answer is probably nothing exciting – though I would be tempted to uncross my legs. My foot has gone to sleep. That would actually be a very humorous reason to play musical chairs with the 7 Reasons sofa. I would probably walk around the sofa like Kevin Spacey in The Usual Suspects and Marc would amble around like the BFG. Now I have said that, perhaps we’ll just stay as we are.

*7 Reasons has no allegiances to one party or another. I do, but 7 Reasons doesn’t.

April 24, 2010
7 Reasons 7 Reasons Are Making A Film About The Ash Breathing Volcano

1. The Plot Bit. Think Love Actually meets Planes, Trains & Automobiles (without the planes) meets The Day After Tomorrow. Various people stranded in various places have to find various methods of getting back to the UK for various of reasons. It’ll be a romcom/thriller.

2. The Product Placement Bit. The 7 Reasons team isn’t stupid. We know that slipping in a few products will boost our coffers. That is why Ash’s entire back catalogue will be on display in the majority of scenes. Ashes To Ashes will be shown on all TV screens. Unless it’s in a hotel room where the occupant may choose between Ashes To Ashes, The History Of The Ashes or The Arthur Ash Story.

3. The Cast Bit. All the usual suspects will be there. Hugh Grant. Colin Firth. Emma Thompson. Rowan Atkinson. We’ll find them something to do. We’ll also bring in Colin Farrell to liven up proceedings. He’ll be monk. Though a monk who has escaped from his monastery after being accused of sneaking into the local nunnery of an evening and having his evil way with a couple of habits. The head monk is after him. So is the head nun. The nun isn’t wearing anything. This is not a 3D film.

4. The Political Bit. Hugh Grant will be the leader of the opposition. He has just been in Washington DC (with Gary Barlow) meeting the President – who will be played by either Morgan Freeman or Denzel Washington. It really depends who is cheaper. They won’t have a speaking part. Hugh Grant then needs to get home to vote in the election and then pick up the keys to Downing Street from it’s former occupant. Who will be played by Eddie Izzard. His wife will be Carole Smilie.

5. The Romance Bit. Colin Firth is a writer – probably working on something Shakespearean – he has been on a writer’s holiday in Spain and now needs to get back to London because he also has a part time job in Waterstones. He misses out on hiring the last available car in Barcelona so jumps up and down a bit on the pavement and looks angry. A Spanish girl pulls up in her hire car and – in broken English – asks Mr Firth if he would like a lift to London. Col says yes and before you know it they are on a road trip together. We’re not quite sure how the drive will go but they’ll be having a good old snog come Dover. Of that you can be sure.

6. The Sad Bit. Bill Nighy is the owner of a Formula 1 team. He’s stuck in Shanghai after the Chinese Grand Prix. While he’s waiting for a plane in the Chinese version of Starbucks, he gets a phone call from his daughter. Bill’s wife has been in an accident and is in a critical condition in hospital. Bill starts walking home. At the end of the film he is still walking. This is our ticket to a sequel.

7. The ‘He Should Be Dead. This Is So Unrealistic’ Bit. Dennis Quaid is a volcanic expert. He was inside the volcano when it started to erupt. The Icelandic name for the volcano is Eyjafjallajökul, but for arguments sake we’ll call it Volcano Mrs Robinson. So Dennis was inside Volcano Mrs Robinson when she started blowing off. Dennis’ English wife thinks he’s dead. But as this is a film, she is the only one. He’s blatantly alive. Everyone knows it. We wouldn’t have cast Dennis Quaid just to kill him off in the first five minutes. If we wanted to do that we’d have cast Ben Affleck. Anyway, Dennis makes it back to his wife in one piece. Bar a touch of sunburn/frost-bite.

April 21, 2010