Tag: Humour

Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Brits Love Fish And Chips

Drenched in salt and vinegar and melt-in-the-mouth delicious, Fish and Chips is one of the most delectable; one of the most naughtiest dishes in the UK and us Brits LOVE it!

Here are 7 Reasons why a mouth-watering portion of steaming hot Fish and Chips remains the nation’s favourite dish…

1. Fish and chips is quintessentially British. The first British Chip Shop opened in Mossley, Lancashire in the 1850s and since then, the country has been crazy for a good hearty portion of Fish and Chips. By the 1930s, there were 35,000 chippies! So it’s no wonder that it’s a dish that’s become synonymous with British culture and is as quintessentially British as cucumber sandwiches, double decker buses, red post boxes and moaning about the weather!

2. It tastes and smells so good!! Freshly mown grass, baking bread and sizzling bacon all feature high on the list of best-loved aromas in Britain, but there is one smell that beats them all…

Yep, you’ve guessed it – the tempting aroma of fish and chips topped a poll that aimed to discover the UK’s most preferred smell. Fried goodness covered in mouth-watering lashings of salt and vinegar – we bet you can smell it now. Simply delicious! The heady combination of smell and flavour is enough to make anyone on a diet question their healthy eating intentions and it’s also probably one of the only dishes that causes arguments between couples. You know the routine – the guy orders the tasty accompaniment alongside his steak, the lady orders the side salad; then by the end of the meal the guy is lucky if he’s had more than a forkful. Ladies, for the sake of men everywhere – get your own chips!!

3. Reminds you of the good times. Long before our high street was packed with takeaways offering delectable delights from around the world on every corner, our staple fast food was the good old fashioned fish and chips!

So it’s no wonder that the heady whiff of the good stuff can send us spiralling into a world of nostalgia – day trips to the seaside as a kid; Friday night tea-time treats; sharing a bag on the way home from the cinema after your first ever date; the great love story that started in the queue of a chip shop after a night out… ah memories.

4. You’re never too far from a chippy. The chip shop boom hit in the 1930s when the UK had more than 35,000 fish and chip shops. The dish was in such high demand that that some chippies had to employ doormen to oversee the queues!

Now we’re a little bit less heavy handed about getting our grubby mitts on the greasy goodness but there are still 11,000 chippies in the UK today.

And with three billion chip dishes served across the country every year – making up 300 million meals in total – you’re never too far away from a tasty portion.

But it’s not just us Brits who love the potato treat – oh no! Did you know that Belgian holds the rather quirky record of cooking chips for the longest amount of time? Chris Verschueren cooked up a storm when he served 15,000 portions of chips in a whopping 83 hours!

But back on home soil, a Yorkshire fryer – The Wensleydale Heifer – now holds the record for the largest portion of fish and chips, weighing in at 101lbs and beating the existing Massachusetts record by 24lbs.

5. Kept our troops going! It’s a hearty filling meal for sure, but did you know that during the Second World War, chips were one of the few foods that were not rationed?

So when our troops were out fighting in the fields, the good old fashioned, ever-reliable portion of chips kept them going!

6. Famous people can’t resist it. The first chippy opened in the UK in the 1850s, so we’re pretty sure Queen Victoria dined on a fine portion of ye olde fish and chips. It was also the meal of choice US President Barrack Obama’s children when his wife Michelle visited the UK. And the ever eccentric Lady Gaga tucked into a delicious portion washed down with whisky before she met the Queen earlier this year! Who knows, this could inspire her next food-related outfit….

7. Created other bonkers delicacies. Deep fried Mars Bars. We don’t need to say anymore. Don’t judge – just enjoy!

What about the future of the nation’s favourite dish? Well, there are sad times ahead for our beloved dish and it’s all because of inflation. Back in the 1970s, you could expect to pay a very modest 25p for a portion, but then inflation took hold – and it hasn’t stopped since.

The infographic ‘Counting the Cost of Fish and Chips’ created by the experts at Baines and Ernst – a leading financial solutions company – showed that the biggest price increase occurred during 1975 and 1976.

Prices jumped from 40p to 50p – going up to 83p by the 1980s. Now you can expect to pay £3.30 for a portion but up to as much as £5 if you live in London – the highest price in the UK!

So it looks like what was once a Friday night regular is now becoming a rare treat for families around the UK.

Article by Baines & Ernst
This article and infographic ‘Counting the Cost of Fish and Chips’ was written by Baines and Ernst – one of the country’s leading providers of debt help in the UK.

September 7, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Get, Be Or Stay Fat in 2012

In 2012 we have seen the London Olympic and Paralympic Games light up the World’s enthusiasm for sport and fitness. And, if you’re a bit on the tubby side, you might a bit jealous of all your friends joining up to local sports clubs and teams. Fear not though, help is at hand.

Being overweight, or the new politically friendly term ‘obese’, has never been such a pain in the arse. A shorter life expectancy and a greater risk of a heart attack are the worst of your problems. In a world where we are constantly consuming to feel content, I give you 7 reasons why you shouldn’t get fat, be fat or stay fat in 2012:

1. You can’t fit on roller coasters. Everyone loves a day out at the sea side or theme park. Well, stricter regulations on theme park rides mean that weight and high limitations, if broken, can resort in some hefty fines and penalties. You don’t want to be the one not able to fit your arse in the seat, hold up the roller coaster or be the reason why your favourite ride has stopped working do you?

2. You miss out on sports. If you can’t run then you can’t play many sports. That means a kick around in the park after work on a Tuesday is out of the question – unless you want to stand around in goal doing jack all of course? Missing out on sport means you miss out on social interaction with your friends, colleagues or family. Taking part in sports and creating memories is priceless. Sitting down on a park bench and watching is sad and depressing.

3. You can’t wear and use… The problem with being fat is that you can’t wear or use everything you want to; you may have fat fingers that stop you using an iPhone for example. Some clothes and underpants need to avoided at all costs! If you are a larger lady then you should avoid wearing revealing cloths and underwear, only your partner wants to see that. So, please, keep it in the bedroom.

4. You are not flexible. The thing about being fat is that you are just not flexible, bending over take years and walking anywhere is impossible. Sex is usually only in one of two positions and once those joints start going you are screwed for life (not literally). One final thought, have you ever seen a fat person doing yoga?

5. Dieting can be boring. When you have been used to eating MacDonald’s and chips for the best part of a decade, going on a diet can be one of the hardest things an overweight person can do. Salads will never fully satisfy your cravings and cutting out carbs is unimaginable. Frightening even. The thing about being at a happy weight is that you can enjoy the finer foods in life, like a takeaway pizza once a week and a bacon sandwich to help that Sunday morning hangover.

6. Drinking sucks. The more pounds you have, the harder it can be to get…you know, loosened up. That means drinking becomes more expensive. The bad thing about being overweight on a night out with the lads or ladies is that you may usually be the only one skint and sober, while everyone else is having all the fun. And the good thing for them is they won’t remember when they went all camp on you when the DJ stuck YMCA on. You, definitely will.

7. You will be paranoid. If you are not happy with the way you look then other people are going to notice, your confidence will be low. You will start to wear baggy clothes and change the way you look and how you do things. All these things are noticeable and potentially unavoidable when you put on weight. You won’t want to see yourself in any photos and that means a whole lot of untagging on Facebook. Eventually it’ll be easier to stay in every night. And get the takeaway menus out again…

This post was created by a skinny boy on behalf of Powerhouse Fitness a leading online retailer in gym equipment and sport nutrition.

September 6, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Grow The Hell Up

So you’re a teenage boy. I was one once, and got over it. You can too, if you TAKE HEED of these important points.

1. You are not special. You are not the first person ever to feel this way. You are not the first person ever to fall in love, or get stoned, or drunk, or listen to music that wasn’t in the charts. You are, in a word, unoriginal. Hurry to adulthood where such tedious conformity goes unremarked.

2. You look like an animated French Bread Pizza. This is not a good look. Get busy with the acne treatment, and you might find the teenage girls you pine after, bother to look at you. I mean, it’s still doubtful, given you only speak in mumbles or grunts and have the personal hygiene of algae, but hey, it’s a start, no?

3. You are composed entirely of knees, elbows and Adam’s Apples. While teen girls are so sylphlike they get their A-Level results photos on the front page of the Telegraph, teen boys lurch about like they were made that morning and the glue didn’t take. You’re fitter than you’re ever likely to be again – stop walking around like you’ve a freakishly heavy head.

4. You need ‘fake ID’. Now that’s just plain embarrassing. To have to proffer some weedy doctored piece of card every time you want to do something normal, like buy Tippex or 12 cans of extra-strength Fusilier Lager from your local shop is demeaning to all concerned. Get old, so you can demand such essentials in a booming, confident voice.

5. You’re all over the scale. Speaking of voices, what’s up with yours? One minute you’re frightening bats, the next minute you sound like Sauron spotting Frodo. Stop mucking about, boy!

6. Why so unwashed? Acne treatment is all well and good, but it needs to be accompanied by actual washing. A spray of Right Guard under the arms every morning is insufficient. You’ve achieved success when strangers can enter your room without being knocked unconscious.

7. You didn’t ask to be born. Sorry, what’s that? You didn’t ask? OF COURSE YOU DIDN’T! Nobody did! It’s not how the system works, for crying out loud! I’m sure this was covered in Biology. To become a man, you need to internalise this existential sense of injustice and only let it out, say, during major sporting tournaments.

September 5, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Go On A UK Family Holiday

Everyone loves a good old British family holiday. I have many happy memories of days wasting my pocket money in arcades (apart from one traumatic moment when I dropped my pound coin straight through a gap in the pier, much to my sister’s amusement) and chasing AWOL camping equipment around windy Devonshire camp sites. In all seriousness, there are some fantastic family holidays in the UK, and hotels which provide real luxury and entertainment for both adults and children. With that in mind, here are 7 good reasons to holiday in Britain this year.

1. Your children probably won’t get eaten by a shark. You will be relieved to know that very few people have been eaten by sharks in British waters.

2. You can legitimately moan about the weather. It’s nice to moan about the heat when you’re abroad, but it’s always tinged with guilt because you’ve been moaning about the rain all year at home. Holidaying in the UK means you can start to complain about the weather as soon as you know you’ll be in Britain all summer and continue to complain about it when you’re back, knowing you’ll receive sympathy from fellow suffering Brits.

3. You can buy a normal sized loaf of bread. There is often a distinct lack of average sliced bread in Europe outside of the UK. I enjoy a baguette as much as the next person, but sometimes you feel as though you need to give your mouth a rest from the crust aerobics (a potential hit on Dragons’ Den?) it has endured.

4. You don’t have to learn another language. Unless you’re going to Somerset, in which case you might need a translator in some circumstances.

5. You don’t have to change your money. The customary trip to the Post Office is probably one of my least favourite parts of preparing to travel abroad. You suddenly have to start worrying about exchange rates and markets and buying and selling. Consequently I usually end up taking five times what I need in Euros, worrying the whole holiday that it will be stolen from my bag, and then forgetting to convert the rest of it back when I’m home.

6. It can be nice. We Brits get a fair bit of flack about our excessive drinking, repressed (or too under-repressed) sexuality, and unhealthy desire to start up a queue wherever possible. But I’m going to stick up for us here. We are lucky to live on a beautiful island with a long and varied history and probably the coolest capital city in the world. Tourists flock here because there’s loads to see; maybe we should be making the most of it too.

7. It’s not far to get home. By the time you all want to murder each other at the end (just my family?), at least you know it’s not going to involve a 4 hour wait for a delayed plane while your dad dances with a Turkish belly dancer in the airport shop (definitely just my family).

Katherine likes to a get a feel for the history of the places she visits, and seeks out the bits which reveal something about the culture in different areas of the globe. She has travelled in four different continents and is looking forward to exploring the rest.

August 26, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Pack It All In And Travel The World

It’s a lovely idea, isn’t it? Far-off places, beautiful beaches, different cultures. Freedom from the daily grind. Until, that is, all the reasons why you shouldn’t pack it all in and travel the world race into your mind to stamp on your embryonic daydream. If you’re not so terrified that you’ve stopped reading altogether, here’s 7 reasons to resuscitate your dream.

1. Britain’s too expensive… I live in Germany and every time I meet someone who has visited Britain, I hear the same complaint: it’s soooo expensive! Imagine living there, I tell them. The cost of living is going up, while pay is being cut or frozen. It’s a simple equation: Brits work more and pay more and in the end we receive less. Think about that.

2. Britain’s too, well, outraged… The endless stream of talent contests we’ve been subjected to over the last few years might have been a warm-up for the big bonanza, The London Olympics, but all this has been a brief interval in the favoured pastime of the British: moral outrage! If there were Olympic medals available for complaining, who would win all three? Yep, Team GB. Speaking as someone who has left the Iles of Wonder, I’ve found that other cultures deal with problems in different ways, but they all have one thing in common: a lot less complaining. It’s a relief to not feel so obliged to complain.

3. Who are The Jones’ anyway? We’re in a desperate race that begins the day we are born. First it was the right nappies, then it was the right lunchbox, then it was the right clothes. Before you know it, it’s the right phone, then the right car, the right mortgage for the right house in the right area, the right holiday destinations, the right schools for the kids, the right universities that we can’t really afford, the right pension policy (or to call it what it really is: the right amount to fund the endless gambling of those schmucks in The City), and before you know it, your final concern; the right sending off, which you won’t enjoy because you’re well on your way to becoming carbon, or catching the train to the afterlife – whatever you believe.

4. You might not be able to stay… More and more of us are facing the stark reality that jobs are scarce. It’s tough times in Britain and while you have worked hard for the moderate, yet comfortable life you lead, if you lose your job, getting another one in Blighty will be difficult. It’s in moments like these that the totally insane question of “What would I do if..?” can bring you life changing answers.

5. You can afford it, even if you think you can’t… Most of us think a round-the-world trip as a £10,000, or £20,000 adventure. It doesn’t have to be. Some people choose to save up enough to get them through the first couple of destinations. Once they arrive somewhere they like, they find work and build-up a pot of money to get them to the next couple of destinations and so on. Some choose freelance work, or teaching, while others choose to participate as healthy volunteers in paid clinical trials for organisations such as volunteers.gsk. The point is if the idea sounds better than the next series of Britain’s Got Talent, what are you waiting for?

6. A different perspective… Different cultures bring with them different perspectives, like how to cross the road in the opposite way (try it. It’s more thrilling than a shark dive!)

There are different etiquettes, like “We don’t pass the salt here; you’ll have to reach for it yourself.”

And finally, the stark and slightly terrifying realisation that the rest of the world is perfectly comfortable having sex without the aid of several glasses of wine/beer/vodka/gin/tequila/sambuca/a sickening mix of all six (delete as appropriate).

Immersion in other languages and perspectives will force you to grow in directions you never thought possible.

7. There’s more to life… There’s more to life than the daily commutes, sales targets, deadlines, council tax, plumbers who don’t turn up to fix your busted boiler, singing contests and your favourite latte from the cafe near the train station. There are even places on this planet where the sun actually shines, where people sit in the shade enjoying an unhurried cup of something pleasant, where the road is open and those who walk it will find out who they really are.

August 12, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Britain Still Rules The World

The nation is sick of austerity measures, no-one has any money, the cost of living is moving ever-upwards and it’s almost impossible to find a decent job. No wonder many people think the days of cool Britannia are well and truly in the past. But although things might feel difficult right now, here are seven reasons why the UK is still the best place to live.

1. Sterling is still king. Whether you are pro or anti Europe, there’s no denying the fact that the Euro is in a lot of trouble right now. Even strong economies such as Germany are starting to be dragged down by weaker nations in the EU. The various members of the single currency are struggling to agree on the way forward and, at the moment, opinion is divided about whether the Euro will survive. Keeping the pound has protected Brits from much of the strife on the continent.

2. Get more for your money. Although the problems in the EU have had an impact on British trade, it hasn’t spelt bad news for everyone. The strength of Sterling against the Euro means UK holidaymakers can get much more for their pound. With money in short supply, being able to enjoy a break much cheaper than anticipated, because of the good exchange rate, is an unexpected bonus for many people.

3. A good credit rating. Britain has a debt problem and much has been written about it. However, despite this, it has retained its triple-A credit rating, meaning that it will be much quicker to pay off what it owes. Having a worse credit rating means the UK would have to pay more in interest. Many other nations have been stripped of their AAA ranking.

4. Taxes help support our country. The structure is essentially sound. In Britain, the vast majority of people pay their taxes which, whilst being unpopular, means the government can rely on a steady stream of income to boost its coffers. In countries such as Greece, not only have allegations of corruption been highlighted as a primary debt cause, there is a culture of non-payment of tax, making it impossible for the government to draw up a budget.

5. Protecting the public’s interest. The financial services industry has a watchdog, regulator and a body to adjudicate on complaints. There is also the Office of Fair Trading, as well as numerous consumer bodies, such as Which? to protect the public’s interests. This means that if an organisation steps out of line – and of course, it does happen – the chances of them going undetected are virtually zero.

6. Industrial strength. There are tiny green shoots of revival. Although many areas are still looking fairly grim, there are signs that the country has overcome the worst. The manufacturing and industrial sector has started to expand and there is a lot of interest overseas in UK-produced cars. The recent contract awarded to the UK over Germany was a major boost to the economy. Inflation has also started to come under control.

7. Austerity measures aren’t as tough as other countries. Overseas, it is going to get worse before it gets better. Portugal, Greece and Spain have all had to agree to tough austerity measures – far worse than the UK – in order to get the rescue handout they needed. That isn’t going to be a comfortable ride for those who live there.

Baines & Ernst have helped more than 100,000 people to escape the pressures of debt. For debt help and advice in the UK, speak to Baines & Ernst.

August 3, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Do Your Research When Online Dating

There are over 7 million singles in the UK looking for a long-term relationship, many of whom turn to online dating to find a partner. Online dating can be a great way of finding somebody you share things in common with, but it is important to do your research both on the website you choose as well as on the people you talk to. Here are 7 reasons why…

1. They could be bending the truth. Some people just can’t resist the urge to be economical with the truth on their internet dating profiles. It’s generally about small things, like certain interests, weight, and sometimes people shed a few years off their age. This is because of the tension between the desire to be truthful and also give the best impression. If it´s just a minor lie, be understanding – after all, your profile may not have been totally honest either. However, some may use the anonymity of online communities to deceive you, so stay savvy.

2. They could be unfit for dating. Some people may be slightly troubled, whether that is because of a bad break-up or family issues. This may come across in their profile and when you talk to them – if it does, go with your instinct and tell them you´re not interested. Sometimes, if somebody comes across as fragile, it can be an attractive quality, as you might want to help them get better, but it is often the case that they have to do this for themselves. If somebody appears to be completely off their rocker – stay well away!

3. They may be related. You know that awkward moment at a family wedding when you accidentally kiss a third cousin or –gulp – someone from an even closer branch of the family tree? Well, before you start sending flirty messages to someone, just make sure they´re not in any way related or, perhaps just as bad, an ex.

4. They may be attached. Some people on dating websites are actually in a relationship. It is always worth doing some research on somebody for this reason, as the internet can provide a good cover for people and it can be difficult to know if somebody is lying. Do a background check – type their name into Google and Facebook and see what comes up. If you suspect they might not be genuine, ask them straight out.

5. They aren´t looking for long term. Before you get all excited about someone who seems promising, make sure they´re looking for the same thing as you. Not everyone is looking to commit, and some are scared of it, so check out their profile, ask them some questions and try to gauge what kind of place they´re in and what they want.

6. There is a Christian Grey or Lara Croft within an overweight, unemployed exterior. Hopefully not both at the same time… that would just be weird. They have potential – they´re sweet and kind – if only they would eat less, exercise more and get a job. That’s where you come in on your white horse. If only human relationships could be a simple matter of asking: ‘do you think you will change or become more interesting?’ And the other person would answer: ‘no’. That would be great, wouldn’t it? Instead, you could be a little less direct and just try to gauge their personality – if they seem motivated and positive they may be willing to change.

7. They are boring. These people bang on and on about a whole lot of nothing. They aren’t interested in anything except themselves. Their narcissism knows no end. If they don’t ask questions about you or seem interested in you online or on the first date, stay right away. On some dating websites people answer interesting, stimulating questions and give awesome answers. There’s no time in life to be boring so if you´re after singles with originality and flair, click here.

August 2, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Bob Diamond Had To Go – Shine On You Crazy Diamond

In the past few weeks Barclays big dog Bob Diamond has seen more turgid inches than Katie Price in her pomp. Column inches that is (of course, what were you thinking?), as the Barclays Libor scandal has flipped a plethora of wigs in the financial world – and in this sphere there are plenty to flip.

Diamond and co-conspirators (or clueless simpletons as many have claimed, trying to avoid the axe), passed the buck so much that it got misplaced. Thankfully it was recovered from the lost and found and pinned securely to Bob’s head, which was now very much on the block. So, why exactly did the Barclays boss have to go? I can think of, hmm, 7 reasons:

1. What’s in a name? Well… Judging people by their name is just wrong. It’s unfair, prejudiced, illogical and stupid. But Bob Diamond – really? Bankers should be trustworthy and reliable. It could be hypothetically scientifically impossible for anyone named Bob Diamond to be trustworthy. I got a GCSE in science – well I took a GCSE in science – so I should know. I’m pretty sure that Bob Diamond is a name designed specifically for second hand car dealers and scrap metal thieves. Would you trust a Bob Diamond with your money?

2. All that glitters… The Barclays scandal arose because Bob (yes I know him well enough to call him Bob now), apparently ordered the fixing of the Barclays Libor rate. This is the rate at which banks lend to each other and it indicates the financial position of an institution. Betting and trading on currency rates and market movements is one thing, but fixing is quite another. By doing this Bob was suggesting that Barclays was in a better position than it was. Naughty Bob!

3. A hole in the head for business. This fixing clearly indicates that – as well as being deceitful and dishonest – the Bobster has a hole in the head for business. Oh Bob why did you have to go and ruin a good career in investments, wealth management and other pecuniary matters with this scandalous move? Some critics have claimed it’s because he’s American; others that it was a cry for help; others that this was just the first time he was caught.

4. Blood ‘Diamond’ Conflict. When it became public knowledge that the Barclays Libor rate had been fixed, it ‘proper kicked off’ at the bank, as the Financial Times reported (or some other, perhaps imaginary publication). As mentioned the buck was passed furiously but among all the dizzy bankers, it was Diamond whose blood they were after. It was Diamond that had to go, as well as executive chairman Marcus Agius.

5. Diamond not a banker’s best friend. Squirm as he might Bobby couldn’t escape his fate; especially after he was grassed up by ‘right hand man’, Barclays executive Jerry del Missier, who told the Treasury Select Committee that Diamond had order him to fix the Libor rate. Bob was even less popular when the bank was hit with fines of £290 million.

6. Parliamentary porkies? The final nail in the Bob-shaped coffin was the accusation that Diamond lied to MPs about the scandal, showing again his charming proclivity for untruths that every good banker should have.

7. Bobby bonus. So it was decided/insisted that Bob would have to go, but as he clears his desk the £2 million bonus and benefits he will receive will soften the blow a little. It’s the least he deserves for deluding a trusted bank and a country in economic strife. God bless you Bob – shine on you crazy Diamond.

July 27, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why We Love To Celebrate

There are celebrations for almost everything these days – celebrations for the birth of Christ, celebrations for the death of Christ, for the resurrection of Christ, for the Holy Commemoration of the First Tooth lost by Christ. All the partying can leave you worn out, but the strange things is that we always want more; celebrating never seems to get old. So why do we love to celebrate so much?

1. So what? I’m celebrating! We love celebrations because they are a great excuse for doing things in excess. Celebrations are a time to lose yourself in over indulgence. Over the Christmas period, we celebrate so much that we actually expect to put weight on through sheer greed. But so what if you’re on your third bottle of wine or you fifth cheese cake? You’re celebrating, and that’s sound reasoning that no one can argue with.

2. Sorry boss, I was celebrating. If you’ve had a big celebration the next day can be a bit of an effort, especially if you have to go into work. However, it would take a truly stone hearted boss not to be understanding if you were to phone up and explain that the reason you can’t make it in to work today is because you got absolutely smashed at a wicked celebration last night and you are really hungover and probably still quite hammered now. You’ll probably even be able to claim it under sick leave.

3. Yeah come on over, we’re having a celebration! You might not see your friends and family much over the course year, but when a celebration comes around it’s always a great excuse to get everyone together. Even the people who no one likes get invited, like old auntie Susan who sucks the chocolate off chocolate covered peanuts and then puts them back in the bowl, because it just wouldn’t be a proper celebration without her sickening antics.

4. Because the government tell us to. In reality, celebrating is not something that we’re born to enjoy, it’s not a hard wired trait, but we grow to like it through covert conditioning by the government. The government shove celebrations down our throats until we celebrate so much that we celebrate when there isn’t even anything to celebrate, like with the Diamond Jubilee. They do it because they see it as an easy way to boost the economy through the sale of party hats and meringue.

5. I love you, man! When you’re high on celebrating, certain things become acceptable, including telling complete strangers how much you appreciate them. In the midst of a celebration, handing out personalised birthday cards with the words “I love you” to people you don’t even know when it is even their birthday doesn’t seem weird. It only becomes creepy the day after.

6. For purveyors of bad music. One of the major reasons for the continued success of celebrations is that it keeps the age old industry of bad music churning on. Where would the performers of The Time Warp, Oops Upside Your Head and Fast Food Song be without the millions of royalties they get from their songs being played at celebrations? In a retirement home, picking bits of food out of their beards is where.

7. To liven up funerals. Funerals can be quite solemn and formal events, some may even argue dull, especially if you weren’t particularly well acquainted with the departed. However, the thing that makes them worthwhile, and the reason that most people go to them, is the brilliant laugh that you can have at the celebration that follows. The finger buffet is always well stocked, and, in general, it’s a free bar.

July 21, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Your Business Needs Data Centre Services

Plant pots. Staplers. A door. All very useful things for a business to have, we admit. But what every organisation really needs is a data centre. Don’t look at us like that! As if we’re mad. Possibly even a bit geeky. We’re not. Really! We’re just people who like looking out for others. So think of us as superheroes if you like. Cool ones without the lycra.

So a data centre – this is the jargon-y bit – is a facility which houses computers. And these computers contain all of the information of a company. Interesting so far, isn’t it? Logic would have it therefore than large companies have large data centres full of thousands of computers all doing computery things 24 hours a day. And luckily for us, logic is correct in this case. Large companies do have large data centres. And with large data centres comes great responsibility. And the necessity for Buckingham Palace style security. And sophisticated cooling systems – not easy when there’s a hose-pipe ban in place. And back-up systems in case of outage. All of these things mean that data centres can be extremely expensive to set up and run. So, why then, does your business need data centre services? Here are the answers.

 1. Spiralling costs. Downwards. No, we’re not contradicting ourselves here. Not at all. You see, you could do it yourself. You could invest in 900 Commodore 64s, 45 computer nerds with their own soldering irons and a couple of former nightclub bouncers to handle your security. Then, when it all goes wrong, you could bring in the data centre service providers. Or, you could skip straight past the local boot-fair and just have the pros do it in the first place. By using a data centre service, you eliminate the need for large investments in facilities, equipment, security and energy. A survey in Sourcingmag.com, reported that 44 per cent of businesses outsource their data centre services for this very reason. And quite frankly, if it says it on Sourcingmag.com, then why are we even thinking about it?

 2. “So, you know about USB ports I take it?” That’s just one of the questions you may find yourself asking IT experts if you decide to hire specialists yourself. And that’s a bit like asking a cow if it knows it’s eating grass. Pointless, as neither will bother replying. By using data centre services, you can leverage the IT expertise of experienced data centre staff without having to hire your own specialised team. Or looking on Google for interview questions.

 3. There’s no such thing as a handyman. The days when everyone in the business knew how to do everything have gone. By outsourcing your data centre services, you can free up your staff to focus on internal business operations, not work out if they can fry an egg on a server. Data centre staff are experienced in the business. Let them take care of day to day maintenance issues while your staff focus on your bottom line.

 4. Tick Tock. Yes, there’s also the time issue. By outsourcing, you can also speed up the time it takes to complete data centre projects. Doing such projects internally can take years. Let’s be honest, most workers take half-an-hour to make a cup of tea. What are they going to be like faced with something that sizzles and bangs when you add sugar to it? Outsourcing can get the job done properly within months.

 5. The man who knew too much. Data centre managers often have to manage a number of data centres whose primary focus is delivering data centre services. Which basically means they know their stuff. And more. They will baffle you with words long and short, but at the end of the day they’ll have the expertise to deliver a top service while applying industry best practices to their operations. Which is much more preferable to putting Mike in charge. Yes, he’s the one who tried to fry an egg and sprinkled sugar in the sockets.

 6. Grow today. Not tomorrow. Assuming your business isn’t ‘Bob’s Burgers’ on the A27, the chances are you’ll be looking to grow and transform. By outsourcing data centre services, you free up internal resources to focus entirely on the critical process. And if you are from ‘Bob’s Burgers’, well you’ll just have to be content in the knowledge that the only thing growing is your customers’ waistband.

 7. Customers! Without them, you’re going no where. The last thing you want is to have to cancel a business meeting because everything your company has ever done is being slowly deleted from your server after Mike – yes, him again – got superglue down the sides of the Ctrl-Alt-Del keys. By outsourcing your data centre services, you free up employees to focus on customer retention and business operations. And that’s the way it should be.

July 18, 2012