Tag: Heathrow

Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Flying With A Strange Man Is Annoying

A few weeks ago – much to the consternation of Italy – I went to Rome. Accompanying me on the epic trip was my girlfriend. While I have covered why Rome and I disagreed in great depth here, I did not speak about our flight home. A flight which split my girlfriend and I up. Though only for two and a half hours. For the duration, I sat next to a woman who seemed interested in children’s illustration. While my girlfriend sat next to a strange man. And an annoying man. That’s one person, not two. This is Claire Quinn’s story.

Google Images' Most Popular Annoying Passenger

1. Newspaper. Folding, unfolding, folding, unfolding, folding, unfolding. Rustling, crumpling, rustling, crumpling, rustling, crumpling. All the time. I don’t even think he could read.

2. View. It would have been lovely to see the sunset over Europe, instead I saw the back of a man’s head. And a newspaper.

3. G&T. This was a kind of torture. I wanted a G&T, he had a G&T. I couldn’t have a G&T as someone had to drive us home when we got back to Heathrow. (When I say ‘us’ I don’t mean the annoying man, I mean the strange man. Jon.) But the annoying man didn’t seem to care about any of this, so he sat there drinking his G&T. Slowly. That is not the way to drink a G&T.

4. Lemon. Apart from being a lemon, he had a lemon. It was in his G&T, then it was in his mouth. And he was chewing it and chewing it and chewing it and chewing it. And then he rustled his newspaper.

5. Coat. The annoying man was wearing the thickest coat that I have ever seen. It was so thick he probably should have had a seat of it’s own. But it wasn’t so much the coat that annoyed me as the fact that he was wearing his coat. Who wears a coat on a plane? What did he have to hide? Thinking about in now though, I am glad I never found out.

6. Fidgeting. As if the rustling and the crumpling and the folding and unfolding and the chewing and the chewing wasn’t enough, he was also a fidgeter. His legs were jigging up and down as if he was on of those wind-up toys. Shame he wasn’t. I’d have put him in reverse and destroyed the mechanism.

7. Earplugs. The most annoying thing – yes, all the above were relatively minor – is that he wouldn’t have realised just how annoying he was because he was wearing earplugs. So he didn’t hear any of the crumpling and rustling and folding and unfolding and chewing and jigging. None of it. He just enjoyed the silence. Or maybe he knew how annoying and loud he was which is why he wore earplugs? So he didn’t have to listen to it. That just makes him even more annoying.

November 20, 2010
7 Reasons To Fly With British Airways This Christmas

1. You’re the boss. The last thing BA need now is more bad publicity. The staff, therefore, are going to be under strict instructions to be extra pleasant to customers. Anything from getting away with being 3kg overweight (your luggage that is) to a constant supply of dry roasted peanuts could be yours.

2. Bump it up. With the cancellation of so many flights, planes are going to be even more overbooked than usual. BA are going to have to let the masses into Club Class – a beautiful place that doesn’t involve recreating the Gauntlet from Gladiators whenever you want to go to the toilet.

3. Relax. Flying with young children is stressful at the best of times, let alone at Christmas. It’s not a proven fact, but a quick poll suggests that 99% of parents would really rather not fly with their offspring. Thankfully, only 13% of these people decide to leave their children at the airport and go off by themselves. The other 87% just cancel their flights and stay at home. And that is exactly what they will be doing this year. Which means you can enjoy your flight without the constant sound of crying babies or the prospect of getting arrested upon arrival at your destination having throttled the little git who had been kicking the back of your seat for two hours.

4. Richard Branson. He never flies with BA.

5. Welcome on board. The six members of BA’s 12,500 strong cabin crew that haven’t decided to go on strike, will be on your flight. And make no mistake about it, they will be feeling the heat. So much so that an extra button may just happen to be undone on their shirts. Oh yes, they’ll be using their sex appeal this festive period. There’ll be a whole lot more bending over you on BA this Christmas. Just to keep you happy. And if you are really lucky it may even be a woman. (If you are a woman, you may wish to read that as man).

6. No clappers. A lot of Americans who are due to fly to the UK with BA will now decide to cancel their flights. This means that when you fly out to the US for New Year there will be a dearth of Yanks returning home. As a result, when you land at JFK there won’t be a round of applause for the pilot – officially the third most annoying thing in the world, after, one, applauding at the end of a film and, two, Janet Street-Porter. Why do Americans do it anyway? Why do they applaud the pilot? I’ve just spent £800 on a plane ticket. The least I expect is that I actually get to my destination alive. Just stop it America. Stop it. It’s very silly. And bloody annoying.

7. Back British. It’s no secret that BA are in dire financial straits. They need your money. If you don’t fly with them they will have to implement more cost-cutting strategies. Anything could happen. Leg room could be reduced to get more seats on the plane. You may have to start sharing flight socks with Doreen (she’s 78 and has a gout issue). They may even make omelettes appear at breakfast, lunch and dinner. It is your duty to stop this happening. It is your duty to fly with BA.

December 16, 2009
7 Reasons To Holiday At The Airport

1. Anticipation. Getting on a plane is quite exciting. (Unless you’re going on a business trip to the middle of Russia. But let’s assume you are not). Let’s assume you are supposedly going somewhere nice. Kingston, Jamaica for example. That really is quite exciting. The thought of spending time on a beach and hanging around with people who say, ‘No problum marn’ a lot, is very exciting. Holiday-ing at an airport means you can experience this anticipation every minute of everyday.

2. Duty-Free. The airport is full of it. You can stock up on so many gifts. And let’s face it, no one can have too many AAA sized batteries or an adaptor for the electrical system in Outer Mongolia.

3. Joy. There probably aren’t many more wonderful places than the arrivals gate at an airport. Unless it’s in an airport in the middle of Russia and you are on a business trip. But you’re not are you? You are on holiday in Heathrow Terminal 5. Here you witness thousands upon thousands of people being reunited with family and friends. It’s a beautiful sight. One that makes you feel up warm and fuzzy inside. Incidentally, it is also a hotspot for the exchange of boomerangs, sombreros and ushankas.

4. Cheap Thrills. Apparently it’s actually illegal to holiday in an airport. Which makes it all the more fun to try and do it. The thrill of hiding in a cupboard in Sunglasses Hut hoping that no one will find you has no equal. I imagine it’s like having sex in a lift. But I wouldn’t know. I have always worried about what the other people in the lift would think. Especially the girl’s boyfriend.

5. Get A Job. Obviously you’d struggle to get a job in McDonald’s as you left your P45 at home, but, as Tom Hanks showed in The Terminal, there is always a bit of building work that needs doing. It’s cash-in-hand and you get to meet Catherine Zeta-Jones. Bonus.

6. Get On TV. People are always filming at airports. If they aren’t filming Paris Hilton then they will be filming a real man’s man in the form of Jeremy Spake. All you need to do is wander onto the wrong plane and suddenly he’s all over you. He could make you a star. Or make you go home. He’s like marmite.

7. Comedy. The queue for check-in is a remarkable place. On average people have to queue up for ten minutes. And in those ten minutes they check they have their passport about 40 times. Then they check their watch 50 times before looking anxiously at the departures board. Then they make sure the padlock on their suitcase is locked about 72 times. Then they get to the check-in desk and realise their passport expired three weeks ago. Oh, the look on their sorry little faces is a picture. Enjoy it.

December 10, 2009