Tag: hair

Guest Post: 7 Reasons For Men To Have A Haircut

Photo By David Smith

1. Because Your Mum Tells You To. “If you don’t get a haircut today it’ll be bread and jam for dinner tonight.” Honestly, the way your Mum constantly moans about you having a haircut it would just be easier to shut the old drone up and have it done. No one would know that you’re 37 and left home 20 years ago.

2. To Re-invent Yourself. It’s time for you to completely re-vamp your image and so, armed with a picture of your favourite star which you’ve cut out from the Radio Times, you troop off down to the barbers. Half an hour later you emerge transformed; like a butterfly emerging from the pupa. Checking your reflection in every shop window, car wing mirror and muddy puddle that you pass, you feel reassured that you now look every inch the young rock-star around the town. If this doesn’t impress your fellow co-workers at the all-night garage then nothing will.

3. So You Can Stop Embarrassing Your Friends. If it’s been a while since you’ve had a decent haircut you might notice tell-tale signs of embarrassment among your friend. Perhaps they’ve started walking six paces behind you. Perhaps they now insist on buying you hats or scissors for your birthday/Christmas present. Or perhaps you’ve noticed that you don’t have any friends any more. If any of these signs manifest themselves it could be time to join the 21st century and sort out your barnet.

4. Because People Are Beginning To Mistake You For A Girl. When short-sighted builders start mistaking you for a lady and whistling at you from the scaffolding you know your hair is getting too long. A few savage cuts of the barber’s scissors and the situation is soon remedied. No more sprinting past the builder’s scaffolding for you.

5. Because You’re Lonely. The comforting candy stripes of the barber’s shop pole acts like a beacon of hope for many lonely folk. And no one will ever take as keen an interest in your holiday plans as the man who cuts your hair every month/week/day.

6. Because You’ve Had A Bad Haircut From Someone Else. You’ve been going to the same barber all your life but then you suddenly started to wonder what it would be like to visit another barber. And so you scratched the itch and now, humiliatingly, you find yourself back in your regular barber’s chair asking him to fix a botched haircut. You’ve betrayed him and learned your lesson. And nothing will ever be the same again.

7. Because You’ve Had A Bad Haircut From Yourself. There’s a recession on so you thought you’d save some money by investing in some electric clippers and cutting your own hair. Let’s face it anyone can cut hair can’t they? But you’ll soon discover that ‘cutting your own hair’ is just another one of those exceptions to that ridiculous phrase ‘if you want a thing done well, do it yourself’.

Author Bio: James Christie writes for UK business directory Thomson Local Business Directory. Use Thomson to find hairdressers near you.

May 11, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Grow A Beard This Winter

The full beard, like many types of groomed facial hair, is a beautiful thing. But it’s also one that appears to fallen by the wayside of popular fashion. That is not a trend that Tommy George of www.idealo.co.uk wants to see continue. Here are seven reasons why.

Canada's Adam Kleeberger Keeps His Face Warm During The Rugby World Cup

1. Cost. Razors are expensive. Hair grows for free. You do the math(s). Nowadays, sixteen bladed, all singing, all dancing razor blades that not only scratch your face off but also sing the national anthem of Tonga are all the rage. However, they are REALLY expensive. Expensive enough that if a chap were to stop buying razor blades for an entire month, he could afford a whole set of Lego. Now would you rather have a sore face and no distraction or look cool AND have a ton of bricks to play with?

2. Competition. Men love a competition. Particularly competitions to judge who is most manly. In the animal kingdom, lions, tigers and bears fight and kill for this privilege – all you have to do is grow the best beard amongst your rosy-chopped and clean-shaven peers. All of the bragging rights in the pub – and with it all of the women – will be yours. Sort of like Rasputin, but with an even more mythical effect.

3. Fish Fingers. For gentleman of a more distinguished grey persuasion, it is possible that after several hard months of beard growing, people will mistake you for Captain Birdseye (particularly if you should choose to wear a naval uniform and wink a lot.). Upon realising this, total strangers will offer you the delicious fishy snacks out of pure courtesy. Another saving – and fish fingers don’t come cheap.

4. Fear. No man really likes children. Children are loud, small and, most importantly, banned from the pub – if you’re pub isn’t a swanky gastro-pub with tablecloths and disinfectant in the lager that is. So what better way to scare off little Jonny than to grow an enormous, terrifying beard and mutter under your breath? There is a reason children always cry when sitting on Santa Claus’ knee at Christmas. Use it to your advantage. Or alternatively buy a clown suit.

5. Loss. You will find after your beard advances past a stubbly stage and beyond the echelons of bumfluff, that one can grow quite attached to the looming dark mass upon ones cheeks and become used to the endless compliments that one receives on its behalf. So, when the beard is finally hacked off, the flow of niceties dries up and eventually a feeling of longing for the first follicles of re-growth. They say it is better to have loved and lost – but where beards are concerned, the loss can be simply avoided. With a beard, love and never lose!

6. Food. Beards are a useful source of food. Eating off the beard of a rival (which you may have to do if your rival has read reason two) will give you those much needed calories due to the left over food that can be stored up over a period of time. Either intentionally or not. The smart man with the beard will never go hungry. Whats better than a twelve ounce, juicy, tender, sirloin steak? Finding a twelve ounce, juicy, sirloin steak in your beard two hours later! That’s what.

7. Stroking. Dogs, cats, parrots and, to a lesser extent, crocodiles and tarantulas, all like to be stroked. It is surprising in this age of instant gratification that humans haven’t followed down a similar path to chin tickling heaven. Well children, let me let you in on a little secret, being stroked is great! However, the opportunities for being stroked are considerably limited, but when one arises it is always prudent to be in possession of a long, sleek elegant beard. Then, who knows where the night will take you!

So, gentleman, cast aside your razors and join us in our quest for a simpler, hairier life.

September 17, 2011
7 Reasons Prison Transforms People

A lot is said about the prison service. Especially here in the UK. Many people seem to think that being an inmate is an easy life. You have your own TVs and a free day pass. In some cases, you even have your own dogs. Well, bitches. And then, when you’ve done half the time for your crime, you’re released. To be honest, this was an opinion I also shared. That was until the other night when I saw an episode of Porridge. I am now of the opinion that prison does indeed do what it sets out to do. It transforms people. Here’s why:

1. Fitness. Prison is full of bullies. There isn’t a nice way to say this, so I’m going to be straight with you. If you’ve got moobs, you are going to be teased. What better incentive is there then to get you doing pull-ups off the bunk bed? Prison gives you guns.

2. Art. You know what really states that you are not to be messed with? Yep, a tattoo. Not of a dolphin on your ankle, but a snake wrapped around your whole body. Probably accompanied by a skull. And a Millwall FC logo. Prison develops the culture vulture in you.

3. Crimes. Prison is all about reputation. The axe murderers aren’t going to look too impressed if you turn up and announce you’re inside for serial parking ticket evasion. That’s why, if you’ve still got them, you should use your scruples. You have to transform yourself into a different person. And that means exaggerating your crime. Yes, you are a serial parking ticket evader, but the only reason you evade them is because you stole the cars in the first place then reduced the number of traffic wardens on patrol. Prison teaches you to sell yourself.

4. Names. You can’t go to prison and call yourself Marc Fearns. Fearns? You’ll get a reputation as a right nancy boy. You can’t even call yourself ‘The Fearns’, ‘Fearnsy’ or ‘Fearnso’. So you have to be inventive. And call yourself ‘Terror’. Not because you are a little terror, but because it is short for ‘territory’. Which comes from the calling card you leave where you would usually place the parking ticket. The one that says, ‘Marc-ing My Territory’. Prison inspires creativity.

5. Goldilocks. Everyone has told you that long, curly, greasy, ginger hair is not the look, yet the impending prospect of a jail term is the only medium that will make you do something about it. You don’t want people seeing your mane as something to hang on to. Prison cures perms. And dandruff.

6. Gravel. Joe Pasquale wouldn’t last five minutes in prison. That’s not because his jokes aren’t funny, it’s because he sounds like a girl. You really don’t want a reputation as someone whose balls have yet to drop. Unless you’re a woman. That’s why you need to put on a deep, East End accent. Use Ray Winstone as your benchmark. Prison makes you a man.

7. Posture. At home you may readily bend down to pick up the soap. I have heard from some sources that this is not the thing to do in the prison showers. Something about getting slapped on the backside by a wet towel. As such, in prison, you should remain upright at all times. Prison transforms you into an upstanding member of society.

June 7, 2011
7 Reasons to Wear a CAT Cap When Borrowing a Flat Flap (For Fat Cats)

The CAT cap, that iconic piece of American headgear is, despite what you may have read yesterday, the ideal piece of millinery to wear when borrowing a large cat flap. Here’s why.

1. You’re Lost. On the way to see your flat flap (for fat cats) lender you get lost and you don’t have a map. Normally, you couldn’t ask for directions at all but, with your CAT cap as a disguise, you can. By pretending to be an American. It’s a well known fact that 94% of lost American tourists that you encounter in the UK are actually fat, badly dressed British people putting on a funny accent. You can be one too!

2. Whippets. You might not own a fat cat at all, you might own a whippet; those mid-sized runts from greyhound litters. But what if you want to borrow a cat flap for a whippet and don’t want it to be known that your greyhound is inadequate? You can’t wear a flat cap, they’ll assume you’re a whippet owner. You can, however, wear a CAT cap and pretend that you’re borrowing one for a cat. And that your caps lock is stuck.

3. Escape. You’re on the run. They’re after you. It’s your own fault really, you fell into bad company and were led astray. When one of your friends suggested that you should brilliantine your hair and don clothes from the 1920s to go out for a night on the town, you acquiesce. Unfortunately, your gang’s – having consumed several too many Tom Collins and Manhattans – behaviour has become indecorous and has descended into committing acts of japery and tomfoolery. Soon, you and your friends are filming each other with your portable telephones as you grab total strangers on the night bus and forcibly dance the Charleston with them. After one happy flapping incident too many, you find you have become separated from your chums and are being chased by an angry, powerful looking man called Matt whose only desire for the evening was to enjoy a quiet meal out with friends, and transport his large cat flap (for his fat cat, Pat) home. And boy is he fast. As you tear round the corner of Crash Street you find that he is tiring though, and you begin to pull away from him until, eventually, he is out of sight altogether. Then, with creeping horror, you realise that something is blocking your path. That’s right, it’s the Crash Street wall: You’ve run into a dead end. Desperately scanning the surrounding area for some means of escape, you spot a yellow CAT cap protruding from a bin bag. You dust it off and put it on just as Matt bounds into view. “He went in there” you shout while pointing at a padlocked door to your right, “here let me hold that for you”. He hands you the large cat flap and furiously heads toward the door. While his back is turned, you rapidly attach the cat flap to the wall and make your escape through it. If it weren’t for the CAT cap, this might not have ended so well.

4. Baldness. Have you ever lent a cat flap to a bald person? No. No one ever does. They need to cover their heads to get cat flaps. A CAT cap will achieve this.

5. Fame. You’re Guy Ritchie. You need to go out and borrow a prop. It’s a flat cat flap for a fat cat (the film’s in plain old 2D, so you only need a flat one). But you’re being papped, so you can’t wear a flat cap (as you’re a recognisable chap who they’ll try to snap) so you slap on a CAT cap to borrow your flat flap (for a fat cat), which you’re able to borrow without incident.

6. When Abroad. You’re in America. In the American mid-west, in movies from the eighties, where most people wear plaid shirts and mesh CAT caps. And you’re on holiday. Being the sort of person who likes to be prepared (and has a suitcase full of baked beans, ginger biscuits, tea and beige trousers), you have remembered to pack your fat cat and your door, but have unaccountably forgotten your cat flap. Your cat won’t be able to get through the door so you’ll need to borrow one. And how better to approach the locals and showing them you’re not a stranger than by donning a CAT cap, and driving over to their place in a pick-up truck. With Michael J. Fox or Kevin Bacon in the passenger seat. It’ll put them at their ease and they’ll be happy to let you take their cat flap. And these broken wings.

7. Donning. Perhaps you’re already the wearer of a CAT cap. And already own a fat cat, for whom you have a cat flap. But what if your fat cat has had some sort of cat flap mishap that caused it to snap (the cat flap, not the fat cat) while you were having a nap? Well in that case, you’d need to don your CAT cap and pop out to borrow a flat fat cat cat flap to replace the one that snapped. Self-evident, really.

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March 17, 2011
7 Reasons To Wear A Flat Cap When Borrowing A Cat Flap

Having examined the virtues of borrowing a cat flap on Monday and a flat cap yesterday, it seems only logical to combine the two. Logical, that is, to a professor of reasoning to the tune of seven. So, here you go. Seven reasons to wear a flat cap when borrowing a cat flap.

Flat Cap Cat In Cat Flap Flap Shocker!

1. Doffing. Unless you are very, very old, you probably haven’t had someone doff their hat/cap/beanie/pork pie at you. Sadly, along with the ability to offer thanks when you open a door for their entire rabble, it is from another age. But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong to do so. In the same way that I am now pleasantly surprised if I get a thank you- or indeed a tip – when I hold open the door to the local Co-Op or Claridges, a cat flap owner would be impressed if you doffed your flat cap at them when they answered the door. Immediately this disarms them. Well done, you have broken down the barriers to the cat flap.

2. Pink. Obviously if you have shocking pink hair then wearing a flat cap is a necessity. Anything that alienates you from a potential cat flap sharer is a bad thing. And pink hair is such an alienator. So wear a flat cap and ignore the doffing. In many ways doffing when you have pink hair is worse than not wearing a flat cap at all. But that’s not an invitation. Wear it and keep it on. Just as a by line, personally, I don’t believe you should be allowed a cat if you have pink hair. Under the incumbent government though it is allowed so all I can do is urge you to wear a flat cap. At all times.

3. Association. There are five types of people who wear flat caps. Hoorays, Guy Ritchies Marc Fearns’, whippet owners and farmers. The probability of a Hooray wanting to borrow a cat flap is slim, Guy Ritchie can afford to buy one, Marc Fearns already has one and we’ll come to whippet owners in the next reason. That leaves farmers as one of only two type of people who would knock on a door and ask to borrow a cat flap. Now farmers, as I am sure we are all aware, like animals. As a result the typical cat flap owner is going to be much more receptive to a farmer’s request than they would be if it came from someone attired in pith helmet. With accompanying shotgun and elephant tusks.

4. Preconception. As mentioned in the previous reason, the other type of person who wears a flat cap is a whippet owner. Or, if you prefer, a whippetier. Why should it be that the flat cap is synonymous with a type of dog and not a cat? It shouldn’t. It is catist. There is no better way therefore than to challenge the flat cap/whippet association by attempting to borrow cat flaps in a flat cap. And of course, if you are successful in your pursuit of a cat flap borrowing you will then have to decide what to do with your whippet. I find listening to Delia helps.

5. Bargaining. If may be that the cat flap owner – particularly if they are a 7 Reasons reader – is on the look out for a flat cap to borrow. How lucky therefore that you should be wearing one. It’s the perfect exchange of goods.

6. Versatility. In the unlikely event that the cat flap owner declines your request you may well become desperate. You may well start begging. And of course the best way to beg is by kneeling down and placing your cap upside down in front of you. If you smell bad this would also help.

7. Fame. As with many of the things we encourage on 7 Reasons, this has never been done before. I can absolutely guarantee that no one in the history of the world has attempted to borrow a cat flap while wearing a flat cap. So why not be the first? This time next week you could have the front page of your local paper framed and hanging on your wall. And what a wonderful talking point that would be. “Why is this, ‘Flat Cap Wearer Harasses Cat Flap Owners’, story on your wall?” Be sure to mention us won’t you?

March 16, 2011
7 Reasons To Act Like A Lion (Today)

I doubt it has escaped your notice, but if it has, let me be the first to tell you that it is now March. Well done us. We made it. And to celebrate I feel it would be appropriate to adhere to the idiom that states, ‘March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb’. Or at least the first part of it. I think we can all agree that it would be impractical to go out like a lamb before one has even attempted to come in like a lion. So today, and only today (and all subsequent March 1sts) I urge you to act like a lion. Here’s why:

1. Roaring. Everyone has times when they just want to roar in the face of someone. We have held back though because it is not correct etiquette. But what if you were acting like a lion? When a lion gets annoyed he roars or eats you. I have consulted the 7 Reasons lawyers and apparently we could find ourselves in trouble if we advocate – even humorously – Hannibal-style activity. Roaring is fine though. So this is your excuse. If there is someone out there who annoys you, walk up to them quietly and then roar in their face. It doesn’t even matter if you spray a little saliva. That is what lions do.

2. No Cooking Required. Lions eat raw meat. I need not explain this further.

3. Hair. No doubt someone will comment on this post in the many months to come and tell me that I haven’t done my research and in fact lions take great pride in their appearance. Until that eventuality occurs however, I will categorically state that lions are not in the least bit vein. They are quite happy to let their hair grow long and wild. So today, you don’t need to use that comb. Or that razor. Or that waxing strip. Just let it all hang out.

4. Sponsorship. If you don’t tell anyone the reason you are acting like a lion – and they haven’t read this post (a very strong possibility) – you could be in the money. If I see someone wandering around the office acting like a lion, I immediately assume they are doing it for charity. In theory this should probably be my second thought after, ‘what the bloody hell is that person doing in my lounge?’, but anyway, we’ll ignore that. So, if someone offers you 50p, don’t refuse and tell them about 7 Reasons, just take it. I reckon you could earn £20 just by roaring every half hour. Easy money.*

5. Economy. I know this is a regular theme in my posts, but it is a serious matter. We must find a way to stimulate the economy. Given that none of you assisted Marc and I in our bid to trick or treat our way out of the recession last year, I can only hope you will finally see sense and help us ‘lion’ our way out of the mess we currently find ourselves in. It’s a novel approach I admit, but desperate times call for innovative thinking. Hire a lion outfit for the day. It’ll only cost you £12 and more than likely keep you warm and snug for a full twenty-four hours. The fancy-dress market will receive a massive boost of £372,000,000 overnight which they can use to increase costume manufacture. Increased costume manufacture means more jobs. More jobs means more people with disposable income. More disposable income means more fancy dress outfit hires. It’s a beautiful circle. So let’s do this. Go to your local fancy-dress shop and hire that outfit. For the love of Britain, please.

6. Wales. Today is St. David’s Day in the Principality and what better way to celebrate than by acting like a lion, an animal that features on both the Royal Coat of Arms of England and Scotland? Exactly

7. In The Jungle Flash Mob. I’m not a fan of flash mobs especially when I get stuck in the middle of them in Trafalgar Square and end up singing along to Hey Jude, but I do feel a mass flash mob where we are all dressed as lions and perform In The Jungle could be particularly good for the soul. Something like this. Without the animated Hippo and Dog obviously. Or maybe with. TBC.

Make sure you come back on March 31st to read, ’7 Reasons To Act Like A Lamb’.

*Just a friendly reminder that our cut is 15%.

March 1, 2011
7 Reasons Robert George Dylan Willis MBE Scares Me

Last week we gave you seven compelling reasons not to watch the Cricket World Cup. How many of you listened to us? Probably not many. And I don’t blame you. I mean, I didn’t even listen to myself. I’ve watched every game so far. But that’s not because I am addicted to the sport, it’s because it constitutes research. It was suggested by Marc that we could write about the Cricket World Cup every Friday. It wasn’t a bad idea – every time we write about cricket we send shockwaves through India. So I agreed. Apart from the dodgy fielding, the one-sided nature of the games and the sparse crowds, the one constant has been former England paceman, Bob Willis. For seven days now he has been sat on the red sofa at Sky Sports scaring the hell out of me. Here’s why:

Don’t Let The Smile Fool You. The Real Bob Willis Never Smiles.

1. Focus. It’s a frightening sight. When the producer whispers, ‘Camera one Mr Willis’, in Bob’s ear, the robotic state is initiated. His head turns sharply to the camera. Like a Tyrannosaurus Rex who has just spotted his prey, Bob doesn’t even…

2. Blink. His eyes are wide as he stares down the camera lens. Deep, deep, deep into your lounge goes his glare. Deep, deep, deep into your soul. And then, his lips begin to move. In his…

3. Monotone voice, his monologue begins. His ability to maintain an unwavering pitch for so long is a remarkable feat of endurance. Though for a robotic devil fairly standard I imagine. On and on he drones. No matter whether he is impressed or furious, it’s the same tone. It’s hypnotic in its powers. I know what he’s trying to do. He’s trying to put me to…

4. Sleep. He wants my soul. He wants to sell it on eBay. “I must stay awake,” I tell myself. “Bob Willis must not be allowed to submit a fake bid for my soul in oder to bump up the price.” My eyelids are heavy, I try and reach for the remote control but I am not not going to make it. I’m drifting! I’m drifting! Then, suddenly, a saving grace. The shot zooms out. The vision of Robert Croft and Michael Holding is momentary relief. But then I notice the…

5. Giant of a man to their right. Bob Willis is huge! He looks like the BFG sitting on that Sky Sports sofa. I know he’s a giant because his knees are higher than his coccyx. He looks comfortable in his own uncomfortableness. This only scares me more. I can’t help but imagine him standing up. His head would be on the second floor. It’s the only time I hunger for a zoomed-in shot of Bob’s face. I don’t hunger for long, the producer adheres to my cries for mercy. Round two begins. He still wants my soul. I’m immediately drawn to his…

6. Lips. Not in a sexual way. In the way I would watch a goldfish open and close his mouth. And then I actually start listening to what he is saying. And I find myself agreeing with him. Bob is right. You just can’t afford to make that kind of mistake at this level. Oh good gracious me! Bob Willis is making…

7. Sense. And this is the scariest thing of all. Already this year I have found myself agreeing with Boycott. What is happening to me? Am I becoming their bitch?

February 25, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Hairy Chests Are Better Than Smooth

There is a saying that goes something like this, “Once you’ve written for 7 Reasons what else is there to do but write for them again?” In keeping with this message, today we welcome back to the 7 Reasons sofa, for his third appearance, Sam Murray. Having already told us to be wary when opening front doors and to wash our feet more often, today Sam covers a topic that is very close to our hearts. Assuming we haven’t waxed. Here’s Sam. (Or at least it will be when you have looked at a picture of a the stallion below).

Marc Survives The Yorkshire Cold Thanks To His Chest Rug

The question “are hairy chests better than hairless ones?” is as often debated as “what came first, the chicken or the egg?” Philosophers and historians still can’t provide a definite answer to whether a luxurious mass of chest hair screams sex on legs or Neanderthal, but scientists have known all along. Overwhelming scientific evidence and the fact that The HOFF has one points to one conclusion. Hairy chests are much better than hairless ones so if you haven’t got one, start growing one.

1. A Gold Medallion Looks Better With A Hairy Chest. It’s true. Try it. Everyone likes the occasional gold medallion or two but you’re bound to look stupid if you wear one without a hairy chest rug. Ask Gok or Trinny and Susannah. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

2. David “The Hoff” Hasselhoff Has One. That alone should be cause to end all discussions. The HOFF’s grass is always greener.

3. You Have Better Chances of Mating. That’s right. All you hairy males out there go forth and reproduce and with Charles Darwin in your corner your chat up lines will be irresistible. In his evolutionary thesis, Charles Darwin hypothesized that sexual selection, (competition within a species for mates to you and me) can explain observed differences between sexes in many species. The female species are often attracted to defining characteristics which Darwin referred to as ‘ornaments’. These include coloration, brighter plumage, and other features that have no immediate purpose for survival or combat. So, in essence, a hairy chest is a human ornament which acts solely to attract the opposite species. Darwin, you Romeo you.

4. A Hairy Chest Keeps You Warm In Winter. Since this post aims to be educational did you know body hair is an evolutionary adaptation to protect the body from extreme temperatures? You can’t argue with science, can you? One of the fundamental objectives of hair is to insulate and keep the body warm in the winter, but also to protect it from the sun in summer. Now who wouldn’t want some of this action hero stuff?

5. a = mc2 Although Testosterone = Real Man. Let’s be honest. Real men have hair. Primarily, testosterone is the male sex hormone and acts to separate and distinguish the two genders, it also has a direct impact on the amount of hair you have. The average adult male produces about 10 times more testosterone than an adult human female body so it is logical to put forward the equation more hair = more man. Research has shown that testosterone also has an impact on mental and physical energy and more importantly the higher your testosterone level, the more virile you are. Ladies form an orderly queue…

6. To Assist Olfactory Communication…(Of Course). I expect you was waiting for this one, well here it is. Yes, it is correct that the amount of hair you have on your body can affect how pungent your own unique smell is. Hair has a variety of functions and one of its main roles is to help olfactory communication (related to smell). One of the most important forms of human-to-human communication is through scent and our bodies release unique pheromones which generate a unique smell or scent to every individual. So in essence, having more hair helps you retain this unique smell which in turn will help others in sensing and responding to you…. making hairier people more memorable and better looking, ok I made that last one up.

7. I Have A Hairy Chest. I am not going to put forward the case for opposition now am I?

This article was written in association with The Rug House. The Rug House sell a large range of high quality rugs including large rugs and washable rugs across the UK and Ireland.

January 22, 2011
7 Reasons I Will Watch The X-Factor Next Year

Before 20 million of you groan, this isn’t one of those ‘The X-Factor is rubbish’ posts. I have long adhered to the maxim, ‘if you don’t like it, switch it off’. Which is something I have accomplished in every year previous to this one. This year though, I lived with one of the 20 million. Which meant I saw more of it than I really wanted to. Next year, though, it’s not happening. Unless these drastic changes are made.

1. Louis Walsh. Quite simple, he must stop being a twat. And by that I mean, he must stop being a twat. I like to be challenged intellectually, which is why I call my parents during the show. What I can’t stand is people stating the bloody obvious. And that includes Walsh saying, “Matt, you’re in the final”. Yes, obviously he’s in the bloody final. If Walsh stops repeating everything I can find out by pressing the ‘i’ on my remote control then I could be in for the long-haul.

2. Simon Cowell. This isn’t an anti-Cowell moment, the guy has created something that makes him a lot of money, well done to him. What he must do next year, though, is stop pretending he is actually making difficult decisions. If I want to watch over-acting I can watch the bloody-awful but painfully addictive Miranda. I want him to act like he does in the supermarket when faced with the choice of either an apple or a banana. There’s no pretence here. Cowell knows he wants the banana and so he grabs it. No dramas, he just gets the job done. If he brings this attitude with him next year, we have half a chance. Assuming he also does something with his hair.

3. Cheryl Cole. She must lose her right hand. Or, at the very least, it must be tied behind her back. I am very appreciative of the fact that she can’t help the annoying accent and the stupid comments, but she can stop doing that bloody salute. It makes her look like a camp toy soldier.

4. Dannii Minogue. She’s a bit like white bread. Nothing drastically wrong with her, just a bit plastic-y. I would much prefer something more substantial. Wholemeal bread. Or, as she is called in this case, Kylie. She’s just better in all areas.

5. Media Blackout. I don’t read the tabloids for a reason. I’m not interested in the soap opera of life and I like reading words that contain more than two syllables. I appreciate that’s two reasons, but, to be honest, there are probably five more. But that doesn’t matter. The point is, I don’t read them because I don’t like them. That is easy enough to do and you’ll be pleased to know I am very accomplished at not buying The News Of The World. The problem comes when every radio and TV show talks about it. I don’t think that’s fair. As things stand, I would have to emigrate to Venus to avoid all the nonsense spouted about the show. If there was a media blackout I’d happily go as far as Middlesborough. That sounds like a good compromise to me.

6. One Night Special. No dragging the series out for months on end. The show starts at 7pm on a Saturday night and is finished by 10pm. Contestants can’t sing for longer than thirty seconds each and every ten minutes someone is voted off. No, actually, they are shot.

7. Sports Round. I like sport, but it was seldom mentioned in the X-Factor this year. Next year, instead of the usual vote-off by the judges, there will be a sports quiz between the bottom two contestants. Hosted by Henry Blofeld. And you’ll be able to play along using the red button and throw popcorn at the TV.

December 14, 2010
7 Reasons Prince Harry Should Get Married Right Away

1. Brothers. I am going to state a well-known fact here, so bear with me. It’s important. Harry is younger than William. As an older brother myself, I like to try and set an example for my younger sibling to follow. What I don’t like, is when he goes off at his own tangent and out does me by doing it his way. Which is what he did with exams. And girls. It basically makes me feel like a loose part. The thing is though, he bloody loved it. And he’s not alone. All younger siblings like getting one over their elders. And what better way for Harry to ‘reign’ on William’s parade, by getting married now? To some girl called Bianca. From Essex.

2. Hyperbole. Unless you have been stuck on the toilet since early Tuesday morning, you will have seen the hyperbolic attention that the pending marriage between William and Kate has received. (I was very tempted to write hyperbollocks, but didn’t as my Mum might learn how to use a computer one day and read this). Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I am not very happy for them, I am. Indeed, in my role as a proud Briton and appreciator of our history I will no doubt raise a Pimm’s on the day. It’s just that so much has been spoken and yet so much of it is just nonsense. On Wednesday Jeremy Vine decided that the discerning Radio 2 listener had the ability to offer our future Queen advice. I switched off. I may be very wide of the mark, but I suspect that should Miss Middleton need advice she is far more likely to phone her Mum than download a Jeremy Vine podcast. And basically, my point is that Prince Harry should get married now, so that we don’t have to listen to all this claptrap again in five years.

3. Journalism. It’s a headline writer’s dream. You probably haven’t realised this yet, what with Wills’ wedding overshadowing absolutely everything, and not caring and all, but Harry rhymes with marry. That’s right! We can expect to see Happy Harry to Marry (Daily Mail), A Harriage Made In Heaven (Daily Star), and Son of Murdered Diana to Wed (Daily Express). And now that there are civil partnerships his options aren’t limited to marrying a Carrie, he can marry a Barry or a Larry too. Or a Keith.

4. Tradition. Over the past century or so, royal standards have eroded to the point where it’s now commonplace for royals to marry commoners. That’s right; the likes of you. William is marrying one as well. But there’s still hope. Harry can turn back the tide of decay by choosing to have a proper royal marriage to a girl that he’s related to. And that will be a return to the grand royal tradition, to the days when the many crowned heads of Europe would assemble for important gatherings at which there would be several hundred attendees, but only one face, and the only way to distinguish between any of them would be their facial hair and – in the case of the Kaiser – his pointy helmet and his propensity to invade the drawing room.

Where's Willhelm?

5. Hair. Let’s face it, His Royal Highness, Prince Henry Charles Albert David of Wales has a ginger bonce. Given the family propensity for hair loss – and we have no reason to assume that this will skip a generation, none whatsoever – he’s likely to be both balding and ginger soon. He needs to marry at once in order to avoid looking like a cross between Patsy Palmer and Prince Edward in his wedding pictures, because there is nothing in Photoshop that can rescue that. Nothing.

6. Divorce. Whenever anyone gets divorced, it’s sad. Even if there is much jubilation from both parties. To think that once these two people loved each other so much that they wanted to make that vision of spending the rest of their lives together a reality. Or they met in Las Vegas. Either way, come the final separation, there is sadness. I defy anyone who says otherwise. Unfortunately, for whatever reason (again, probably seven) the incumbent Royal Family have a history of unhappy marriages. So much so that they have employed a designer to add a little sparkle to their divorce papers. Because it will almost certainly happen again. Though I think it is unlikely to be William and Kate. I suspect, if you walked into any betting shop, you would find the odds on Prince Harry getting divorced to be much shorter than those of his brother. And while I hope it doesn’t happen, it may. And if it does Prince Harry may wish to find someone else to spend his time with. Which leads me nicely onto the point of this reason. If Prince Harry marries right now, he has more time in the future if it goes wrong.

7. It’s The Economy, Stupid. In case you haven’t noticed, Britain is in a recession. And it isn’t going well. To cut costs, we’re going to share the defence of the realm with the French (which is actually a good idea…for a sitcom. Or for Germany) and, if the recession hits any harder we’ll have to take more drastic action: Swingeing health cuts or selling the Queen or something. But wait! According to esteemed financial publication, The Sun, the forthcoming wedding of Wills and Kate will boost the economy by a billion pounds. That’s right. A billion pounds. So if Harry gets married sharpish, that’ll be two billion pounds into the nation’s coffers. And if we can get them breeding, in twenty or thirty years time, with the resultant glut of royal weddings, Britain will once again become one of the most prosperous nations on the planet.*

*And we can all start wearing top hats again.**

**Except in the cinema.

November 19, 2010