Last night I found myself in a sling. Not because I had done a mischief, but because I had immersed myself in a role-play situation. Reasons for this are seven-fold and may or may not appear on this site later this week. While I was sitting there being slinged-up, it occurred to me that I had been missing a trick for twenty-eight years. I had never worn a sling. And because of that I was missing out on so much.
1. Sympathy. Not for the Devil or indeed for Adam, but for all of us. If we see someone in a sling we automatically feel sorry for them. How did they do that? Are they in pain? Can I help them carry their bags off the train? Wear a sling and you will get more love than you did that morning from your so-called loved one. Admittedly you may have destroyed their eight year-old cactus by dropping a pair of wet jeans on it, but even so.
2. Innocence. If there has just been a terrible crime and there are blood soaked bodies all over the road – or a box of tea-bags has gone missing from Sainsbury’s – it’s easy to look around and identify the suspect. You might not mean to do it, but it’s automatic. “There,” you think, “that youth in the beanie holding a machete is responsible for the murders.” He might not be. He might be a nice lad out for a stroll. But in our panic stricken minds we play to stereotypes. “That man there, the one who looks like he broke his arm recently and is now in a sling, did he commit these atrocities? No, of course he didn’t. He’s in a sling.” So you stop watching him. And off he wanders with 240 Gold Standard tea-bags stuffed down his trousers. Never to be seen again.
3. Massage. The problem with massaging your own neck and shoulder is that your arm gets tired very quickly. Arms were not meant to be positioned across your body at an upwards angle. They are meant to dangle loosely by your side and whack into door frames or old women. A sling, though, will give you that much needed support. You can massage your neck, shoulder and jab your collar bone with your fingers all day if you wish. Who needs an osteopath?
4. Discrimination. I’ve been for a few job interviews in the last six months and failed to land any of the jobs.* The reason for this has just dawned on me. I am perfect. Too perfect in every possible way. As a result employers can easily turn me away without the fear of a lawsuit being filed against them for discrimination. If I were to wear a sling though, well, things would be very different. They wouldn’t dare not employ me. If they did they’d know that I’d complain. They know I would sight the fact that they discriminated against me because I was wearing a sling. It would go to court. I’d get a lot of money. They’d go into liquidation. I’d win. That is the power of the sling.
5. Bullies. We’ve all heard the story of David walking along Brixton High Street only to be faced down by the towering figure of Goliath. What did he do? That’s right, he slipped out of his sling, picked a hypodermic needle up off the floor and fired it at Goliath’s head. Down he went, all hypodermatised. A lesson for us all. If you’re being bullied (or just passing through Brixton) wear a sling. No one will touch you.
6. Adoption. A sling is particularly helpful if you are an actress wandering about in a foreign country. It is quite possible that you may see a child you quite like the look of. A child who you think would enjoy the sights and sounds of downtown Beverley Hills. A child you want to keep. All you need to do is whip your arm out of the sling and pop whichever child that takes your fancy in it. Simple as that. You then get your lawyers to sort out the payment.
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7. Cold. In true 7 Reasons style we save the most obvious reason for last. The sling is basically just a big handkerchief. Which is ideal if you’ve got a big cold. Gone are the days of destroying rainforests for a box of Kleenex. Gone are the days of having to pile snot upon snot and then wiping it all over your face. A sling will allow you to blow your nose in the comfort of dry material at least six times. Thus curing colds in half the time a normal handkerchief would. Sometimes I think 7 Reasons should run the NHS.
*This is why I haven’t started calling myself Rebecca if you’re wondering what happened there.
