Today, Sepp Blatter will be re-elected as FIFA President. That is all kinds of wrong. As this video aptly demonstrates.
Tag: GERMANY
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7 Reasons to Replace the Horse With the Cow
Great news from Germany! The horse is obsolete. A fifteen year old girl has trained a cow to show-jump because her parents refused to buy her a horse. At 7 Reasons, we love this sort of defiant ingenuity so, in honour of the quite brilliant Regina Meyer, here are seven reasons to replace the horse with the cow.
1. The Grand National. Or, The Festival of Horse-Death – as it’s called in my house – with its high fences and terrifying leaps is dangerous for both riders and horses. If we replaced the horses with cows though, imagine how much better it would be. Would cows even attempt to hurdle over Canal Turn or Becher’s Brook? No, of course they wouldn’t, they’d just amble round them, perhaps pausing to nibble at the racecourse (or grass, as it’s known to laymen). There’d be no injuries to jockeys, no innocent animals would be shot and there’d be fresh milk for everyone at the finish. Or – if the race had been ridden at a quick pace – milkshakes. Even if cows did get injured and required shooting it would still be better. If you shoot a horse, you get a dead horse. If you shoot a cow, you get a nice sofa or a handbag. Or a steak.
2. Food. Strange as it may seem, there are people out there that eat horses. They’re called The French. But French cuisine is awful. After all, if it was any good, French chefs would stay there and cook it, wouldn’t they? But they don’t, they’re all over here in Britain, cooking food that doesn’t contain horses; making hors d’oeuvres rather than horse d’oeuvres. Is France teeming with British chefs? No. That’s because horseless cuisine is better and they want to stay. If France replaced the horse with the cow, their chefs wouldn’t leave in their droves.
3. Milk. The phrase, “get off your horse and drink your milk”, is often attributed to John Wayne. But if we were to follow Wayne’s suggestion, and get off our horse and drink our milk, we’d still have to find a cow because drinking horse-milk would just be weird. And would you fancy trying to milk a horse? I certainly wouldn’t. So if you had a horse, you’d still need a cow. If you rode a cow though, you’d only need one animal – your cow – and rather than getting off it to drink your milk, you could probably construct some sort of straw/hose milking-device to deliver your beverage to you in situ. Call yourself a cowboy, John Wayne? Too bloody right you were.
4. Society. Cows aren’t horses. They aren’t evil, terrifying, flighty and they don’t chase me round the dining room in my dreams. The world would just be a nicer place with fewer horses. What happens in a society where there are lots of horses? I’ll tell you. The streets of Edwardian Britain were riddled with the infernal beasts running amok, terrorising women in corsets and babies in perambulators just because they’d heard a backfiring omnibus or been startled by an oncoming charabang. Would cows have reacted in such a dangerous fashion? Nay.
5. The Future. You can predict future events just by looking at animals. If you look at a horse, you can tell that something bad will happen, and if you see a cow, you can apparently tell what the weather will be, just by whether it’s sitting-down or standing-up. And there’s an old piece of country wisdom which goes, “pink cow at night, Angel Delight”. Cows tell you stuff about the future and horses just give you the heebie-geebies.
6. India. In India, cows are sacred and roam free and many drivers will swerve into almost anything to avoid a collision with them. It stands to reason, therefore, that the safest place to be in India, is on a cow. Cars and trucks would actually go out of their way to avoid you. Brilliant. It would be safer than riding a horse and safer even than riding an elephant. And cows aren’t governed by speed limits, traffic lights or contraflow systems. They can go anywhere. Usually to moo at things.
7. My Family History. My late father was a horse. Not all the time, you should understand, but occasionally. I believe he was a horse twice during his lifetime. Or rather, half a horse. As a part of Manchester University’s rag week in the late 1950s, he and two friends competed in the 2:10 at Lingfield one Saturday. He (front half of horse) and his friends (back half and jockey) hid behind one of the fences during a rare – in those days – televised meeting and waited. When the other horses approached and jumped the fence, my father and his friends sprung from their hiding place and galloped down the course in pursuit of them. Despite a great deal of exertion over the following couple of furlongs, they were unable to make up much ground and soon began to tire. Their race concluded early when they were chased away by an angry policeman. That was the highlight of my father’s sporting career. In fact, it’s the biggest sporting accomplishment in our entire family history. But if those horses had been cows, my dad could have won that race. And then we could have put him out to stud. He’d have liked that.
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7 Reasons to get a Cross-Eyed Opossum
This, as I’m sure you already know, is Heidi the cross-eyed opossum, a resident of Leipzig Zoo. Now that you’ve seen her, you’ll want one of your own. And a cross-eyed opossum would make a great pet. Here’s why.
1. It’s The Cutest Thing In The World. Just look at the pictures. Have you ever seen a cuter animal? No, of course you haven’t. Even Bambi on ice nuzzling a baby hedgehog that’s wrapped in a cashmere blanket and sucking its thumb isn’t this cute.
2. Attract The Opposite Sex. Men: Get an opossum. Women like cute things. Women like things with personality. Women like quirky and interesting things. And now they’ve seen it, women like this opossum. I may be generalising here, but I can’t think of any woman who wouldn’t be charmed by a cross-eyed opossum.*
3. Attract The Opposite Sex***. Women: Get an opossum. I know that men are supposed to like cars and guns and things, and some of us do, but we aren’t immune to the charms of this opossum either, because it’s bloody amazing. No man is hard-hearted enough that he doesn’t find this opossum cute. Even Hitler would love it if he weren’t dead. If you’re looking to attract men, get this opossum. And some beer.
4. Ready-Made. Part of the allure of Heidi the cross-eyed opossum comes from the fact that she is cross-eyed. Once we’d seen her, my wife and I decided that – obviously – we wanted one. But our cat’s an only pet, and the introduction of a strabismal rival for our attention would probably be too much for our doddery old cat. So we decided to improve him. I stood to his left, my wife stood to his right, and we both called him repeatedly. Sadly, we were unable to cross his eyes. He merely moved his head rapidly from left to right between us for a minute before sighing and falling asleep. A cross-eyed opossum does not require a rigorous training regime to make it cute. It comes pre-cute.
5. Pedantry. Heidi the cross-eyed opossum, as you may have already spotted, is an opossum. Not a possum; that’s a different thing predominantly found in the Southern hemisphere. Nor is it related to the hippopossamus, which is a somewhat larger African variant which kills its prey by beguiling them with cuteness before sitting on them to death. This makes an opossum the ideal pet for pedants who can boundlessly amuse themselves by correcting people:
“Ah, cute possum”.
“Opossum”.
“I love your possum”.
“Opossum”.
“Your opossum is amazing”.
“Possum…bugger.”
6. Love. You’ll always feel loved by your cross-eyed opossum. Because when you’re conventionally-eyed pet is sulking, it won’t look at you. But when your cross-eyed opossum is sulking, it will appear to be looking at you, even when it’s looking at something else. Food probably, or your shoe.****
7. The Name. Steve Jobs says that putting a vowel in front of the names of things is cool, so it must be, and the opossum has a seemingly superfluous vowel at the front. This makes the name opossum cool and increases the product…er…creature’s desirability. Now the opossum was named many centuries ago, but if I didn’t know that I’d sense that it was some sort of Apple marketing ploy. But then I see the hand of Jobs in everything. Anyway, the name is cool.
*If you are a woman (and let’s face it, some of us are) and you don’t like the cross-eyed opossum please let us know via the comments section.**
**And a mob will arrive at your door within hours and burn you at the stake, you stone-hearted harridan.
***Or the same sex. The cross-eyed opossum attracts everything.
****All pets do weird things to your shoes; never leave them unattended.
Want to see more pictures? Of course you do.
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Russian Roulette Sunday: There Is No Such Thing As A Psychic Octopus
What is it about the name Paul? Half the world becomes convinced that an octopus is psychic and half of Paul Gascoigne thinks that a murderer wants to do a spot of fishing. Rather worryingly, that was his sane half. We need to return to normality and thankfully this is where I step in. For all of you who have been taken in by Paul the Octopus, you need to watch this. He’s not psychic. He’s a chancer. Just like me.There Is No Such Thing As A Psychic Octopus
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7 (+3) Reasons Why Spain Will Win The World Cup
1. Gerd Muller. German World Cup Winner in 1974. He looked like a girl.
2. Mario Kempes. Argentine World Cup Winner in 1978. He looked like a girl who didn’t care. She probably had hairy armpits too.
3. Bruno Conti. Italian World Cup Winner in 1982. He looked like a butch girl and someone had just stolen her skipping rope.
4. Maradona. Argentine World Cup Winner in 1986. He looked like a petulant girl intrigued by her very first waft of something illegal.
5. Rudi Voller. German World Cup Winner in 1990. He looked like a girl who had just sat on a pile of marbles and was beginning to like it.
6. Branco. Brazilian World Cup Winner in 1994. He looked like a girl who may well once have been a boy. And quite possibly a murderer.
7. Emmanuel Petit. French World Cup Winner in 1998. He looked like a girl who had just caught her reflection in a window and realised her ginger moustache was catching the sun a bit too much.
8. Ronaldinho. Brazilian World Cup Winner in 2002. He looked like a girl who was struggling to get the hang of her straighteners.
9. Andrea Pirlo. Italian World Cup Winner in 2006. He looked like a girl who had accidentally come across a car park full of doggers and just couldn’t take his eyes off it.
10. Carles Puyol. Spanish World Cup Winner in 2010. He looks like the kind of girl who just doesn’t want to be left out.
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7 Reasons England’s Footballers Should Have An Open-Top Bus Parade
England missed the boat yesterday. Thankfully, they are still in time for the bus.
1. Public Transport. After their performance at this World Cup the players may as well get used to travelling on the bus. Except Stephen Warnock. He didn’t do much wrong. In fact, did anyone see him? Even once? Oh, and if you are worried about David James fare dodging, don’t worry. With Upson and Terry sitting either side of the aisle the ticket inspector will be able to stroll right down the middle.
2. Gears. Travelling on the bus will be a nice reminder to the lads that getting out of first gear doesn’t necessarily mean you have go into reverse.
3. Control. The idea of having an open-top bus is so that people can throw things at the players. I know this sounds quite ridiculous, but hear me out. I am not talking about stones or John Terry’s collection of conquest knickers, I am talking about balls. Keep throwing balls at Rooney and I am absolutely convinced he will regain his touch around Piccadilly Circus. Just in time for Euro2012. Call it a public service.
4. Gerrard-Barry-Lampard-Milner. That’s right. One last look at this midfield line-up before Gerrard goes and sits at the front of the bus. Just behind Rooney.
5. Closing-down. When have you ever seen a bus driver sit back from the car in front? Exactly, never. He gets right up their backside. Or ‘bumper’ as it is more commonly known. Another reminder to the England players that closing down is a decent tactic. Especially if you’d like the ball back.
6. Posizione, Posizione, Posizione. Fabio Capello said after the win against Slovenia that he had found his team. Unfortunately, come 3pm on Sunday, he had carelessly lost them. If we get all the players on a bus and give Capello a map, I reckon he might be able to find them again. Then perhaps he’d like to drive the bus to Oman. And I don’t care if they take the long route.
7. Penalties. We didn’t lose on them! All in all, it was quite a pain free exit. Apart from ten minutes just before half-time we always looked like losing/getting annihilated. There was no biting of finger nails. No sweaty palms. No stomach churning. No hiding behind the sofa. Just acceptance. We were absolutely bloody useless. Well done lads. That’s the way to lose.
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7 Reasons to be Glad We’re Playing Germany (Again)
It’s been a fraught week at 7 Reasons (.org). First we upgraded the website, then we redesigned the website, then we had a catastrophic failure of the website which left us offline for a day and then we fixed it, and are still tinkering with it to make it more stable. This caused confusion. We didn’t know whose turn it was to post yesterday. So, being diligent, conscientious humourists, we both wrote one. Sadly, we found our inspiration in the same subject. Fortunately though, we both said completely different things so, with apologies to readers in Australia, South Africa and Greece, we’re writing about England versus Germany again today. And possibly on Monday too (we’re a bit excited by it all).
1. The Great Escape. As comedy genius Bob Mills has observed, playing The Great Escape theme at England matches is pointless and out of context. On Sunday though, it could be in context. If we win, we will liberate ourselves from decades of World Cup tyranny at the hands of Germany. It actually could be a great escape. This may be the first match at which hearing The Great Escape played atonally on a trumpet will be meaningful, rather than just primal-scream-inducingly irritating. Then, perhaps, we won’t have to hear it again.
2. 5-1. The spectre of their ignominious defeat will loom large in the German consciousness. When we beat Germany 5-1 in Munich in 2001, Steven Gerrard was the architect of a lot that was good about our performance. And now he’s our captain! That should put the fear of God into them. Also, they can’t be unaware of the popular refrain, “5-1, even Heskey scored”, and Heskey’s in the squad too, so the Germans are at a psychological disadvantage before the game even starts. “Nein nein nein, es ist das Ziel Maschine, Heskey” will be the fearful reaction of the Germans upon his introduction to the game. Gerrard seems really up for it too. On Wednesday he said of the Germany game, “Bring it on!” . Well, he said “Brincchhh ii on”, in a voice so high that it startled dogs – I’ve had it translated.
3. Tyldesley. In commentary on Germany versus Ghana, Clive Tyldesley said, “…it’s a different Germany than we’ve seen in past tournaments”. This is excellent news. If Clive is right – and anyone who’s met a man named Clive will know that Clives are never wrong – this can only be good for us. After all, in past tournaments (except the one where the Russian linesman helped out), the Germany that we’ve seen have knocked us out (often on penalties). Bring on the different Germany!
- Fabio Capello: Pictured outside a Little Chef.
4. Beer. Fabio Capello is coming to terms with the new challenges of managing at international tournament level. When we played well in the match against Slovenia…Slovakia?…no, almost certainly Slovenia, Fabio Capello attributed our much improved performance to permitting the England squad to drink beer on the night before the game. Germans, as we know, consume most of their beer in October so their team won’t realise its performance potential until November, by which time the match will definitely be over. It’s not tennis, after all. Is that match still going?
5. Common Bond. Germany and England have so much in common: They eat sausages, we eat sausages; they drink beer, we drink beer; they drive BMWs, we drive BMWs; they dress up in braces and leather hotpants and put a feather in their hatbands and slap each other’s bottoms, we…er…well…we don’t. Because it’s weird. But I doubt that lederhosen is what makes them good at penalties and, sooner or later, given that they’re so similar a nation to us, they’ll cock them up. After all, if the match goes to penalties Germany will have the pressure of expectation weighing on their shoulders. England certainly won’t.
6. Confidence. England had an uncertain start to World Cup 2010 but, on the evidence of Wednesday’s performance, we seem to be growing in confidence. We don’t have the self-possessed surety that the Brazil and Argentina teams seem to be imbued with, but there’s a way that we can attain that: By beating Germany. If we beat them on Sunday, our team will get the monkey off our back and will feel that they can take anyone on. The traditional obstacle to England’s progression in world cup tournaments will have been removed and we’ll believe we can accomplish anything. Except a Heskey goal, obviously, no one (except Germany) expects that.
7. Defences. The German defence looks suspect. Ghana created – and spurned – countless opportunities against them. The most notable of these occurred after thirteen minutes when Germany were totally undone by a fluid passing move at the right hand side of their penalty area. Sound familiar? Correct. That’s the same area that all of the brilliant creative interplay between Gerrard and Rooney took place in the England versus Slovenia match. They won’t be able to defend against it. “Take that, Mertesacker!” will be a particularly enjoyable thing to exclaim during the match when we score against them.
Our defence will be able to contain them. Most of the good attacking German play in this World Cup has occurred on the wings. And we have two fantastic fullbacks with Gerrard and Milner in front of them who’ll track back too. I don’t know what we’ll exclaim when we prevent them from scoring against us. “Blimey”, probably, or “crumbs”. But that’s what’s going to happen. We can win this. Be glad that we’re playing Germany on Sunday. Well…at least until kick-off. Then feel anxious as usual.
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7 Reasons England Will Beat Ze Germans
1. Ze German Edlines. The German hacks are primed to write such classics as So Klose, But So Far. Although obviously they’ll write it in German. So it’ll be something like Zo Klose, But Zo Var. Basically, Miroslav Klose is going to take a shot from 50-yards which ricochets off the crossbar, flies up the other end of the pitch and finds the net. Net result England 1-0 Germany. German hacks have their headlines.
2. Ze Tactics. I am sure you have been wondering why Capello continues to play Gerrard on the left. It took me a while to work it out too. But finally I have. It’s all about balance. And ultimately making the opposition cock-up. Glen Johnson can’t defend for toffee (which is annoying because he loves the stuff). Anyway, the opposition think they should try and take advantage of this and attack down the left flank. However, because Gerrard tends to move away from his position on the left, the opposition see the gap on the right flank and wonder whether they should attack on that side. All this confusion results in them trying to compromise. And compromising means attacking straight down the middle. Right into Barry, Terry and Upson. It’s classic mind game stuff and the reason Capello is the genius that he is.
3. Ze Names. The Germans are named after lagers. A pint of Mertesacker. A pint of Schweinsteiger. A pint of Trochowski. The English are named after musicians. (David) James and (Gareth) Barry White. Oh, and there’s (John) Terry’s Chocolate Orange. You’re going to perform so much better if you listen to James and Barry White while munching on one of Terry’s Chocolate Oranges pre-game, than if you are downing three pints of lager.
4. Ze Beckenbauer. Franz said we have reverted to ‘kick and rush’ in this World Cup. How dare he! We don’t rush. We hang back and hope. Karma is a bitch and Beckenbauer will be summoned by Angela Merkel to explain why he gave the English such a great pep talk.
5. Ze 27 June. It’s Sieben Schlagfertig in Germany. Which is a day basically celebrated by muppets. If it rains on this day, it will apparently rain for the next seven weeks. I like the idea of raining on Germany’s parade and then continuously beating the Germans for seven weeks.
6. Ze Missing Of Ze Goals. Gerrard’s goal against the USA was missed by many because ITV decided to show an advert. Defoe’s goal against Slovenia was missed by many because the work experience boy at EDF Energy pressed the off button. England didn’t score against Algeria because everyone was watching. The simple conclusion to make is that I need to buy 10 million extension leads and forty million kettles. If I do that and press the on switch at 2:59pm on Sunday, I reckon I might just be able to blow a fuse somewhere on the National Grid and cause absolute chaos. We’ll all miss the game, but England will win 4-0. Don’t thank me, thank the nice people at Argos who are about to get a very big order.
7. Ze Zeven Reasons. I have drafts of 7 Reasons England Will Beat Argentina, 7 Reasons England Will Beat Portugal and 7 Reasons Why It’s Second Time Lucky For England And They Will Beat The USA ready to go. You can’t buy this kind of motivation. The England boys want to read my work. They are in a win-to-read position now. Which is so much more impressive than a boring win-t0-be-MBEs position.
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7 Reasons David Slew Goliath (On Points)
1. Dizziness. Valuev spent the whole fight looking down at the top of Haye’s head. Haye had cleverly styled his hair with cornrows. Basically Valuez was looking at lines all night. Lines make you dizzy. Eventually it caught up with him and he wobbled all over the place in the final round.
2. Testosterone. Valuev’s levels were off the scale. This is proven by the fact that he had shaved his back before the start of the fight but by the end of the third round all his hair had grown back. It caused too much drag and meant he was unable to move around the ring as quickly as he had planned.
3. Tactics. Haye damaged his hand in the second round. This meant he didn’t throw any punches. Not throwing punches meant Valuev didn’t get hurt. Not getting hurt meant Valuev didn’t get annoyed. Not being annoyed meant Valuev didn’t have to flatten Haye. Haye won because he accidentally jabbed his opponent in the 6th round when he went to wave at someone in Row 16. It was enough.
4. It’s all in a name. Haye’s nickname is the Hayemaker. Clever. It sounds fierce. It sounds dangerous. It has ‘Champion’ written all over it. Valuev’s nickname is The Russian Bear. Everyone likes a bear. Bears are soft and cuddly. Hence the popular phrase, “Come here you big bear”.
5. Time difference. The fight was in Germany. It started at 11pm German time. This was fine for Haye. His body clock assumed it was 10pm. But Valuev’s said 2am. You only fight well at 2am after a few pints. And Valuev doesn’t drink pints.
6. Giants are nice. Valuev is a giant. Like the Jolly Green Giant. Or the Big Friendly Giant. Or, James Bond’s nemesis turned pal, Jaws. They are completely misunderstood and actually very nice people. Too nice to hit anyone. I strongly expect Valuev to go the way of Jaws and fall in love with an impossibly small lady on a spacestation.
7. It was scripted. This had Rocky IV written all over it. East versus West. Big Guy versus Little Guy. Vodka versus Caffeine-Based Hot Beverage. It was never in any doubt and shows the genius that is Sylvester Stallone was so ahead of his time.
Like Valuev, did I miss anything?
