Tag: funny

7 Reasons A Child Should Never Be Given The Guinness Book Of World Records

1. It’s a book. There is nothing worse than receiving a book when you are a child. Especially when the book contains stupid facts about the smallest puddle and the biggest conker found in Newcastle-upon-Tyne.

2. The child will have to look happy. They will be suppressing their true feelings. Feelings of anger and pain. They are basically lying to themselves and everyone else. Their future is now one of self-harm or joining MI5.

3. Everyone else in the room will say, “Wow! That’s exciting. Tell us something amazing.” And that’s when the child finds out that conkers are unusually large in Newcastle-upon-Tyne. And then they want to kill themselves. The child. Not the conkers.

4. The child will know the giver had forgotten about them. They will know the giver had to rush into Waterstone’s. They will know the giver picked up the first thing they saw on the ‘Great Gift Ideas’ table. They will be plotting revenge for years.

5. In all likelihood the child was given the book by their great aunt. This involves kissing the great aunt to say thanks. The great aunt wears dentures and smells a bit funny. It will put the child off sex with an OAP for life. (Actually, that’s probably a good thing isn’t it?)

6. It makes the child look like a geek. When all their friends come round after school to play Thundercats, Lion-O will see the book on the shelf and laugh. Cheetara and Panthro will join in. News will get back to the school and teachers will immediately label the child as a ‘swotty’ type. Forevermore they will be overlooked for the Netball team.

7. The child will age into an adult. One day they will forget that they need to buy a present for their great nephew. Thinking back to their childhood they remember getting The Guinness Book Of World Records. They head to Waterstone’s and another generation has to go through this unnecessary torture.

This is not based on a personal experience. Okay, yes it is. I wasn’t alone, was I?

November 6, 2009
7 Reasons You Said Yes

1. You’re polite. You always have been. It would have been rude to say no to the guy who asked, “Shall I jump?”

2. You were drunk. You were saying ‘Yes’ to everything because you thought it was hilarious. It wasn’t and you woke up eight hours later in a bus stop in Croydon. Without your trousers on.

3. You’re a positive person. An optimist. Saying ‘Yes’ means you won’t have any regrets. Unless you were asked by Jeremy Clarkson if he could borrow your pimped-up Vespa 150cc.

4. You met a wise man on the bus. He said, “Say yes more.” You did. You then wrote a book about it. Your name is Danny Wallace.

5. You’re not getting any younger. Let’s be honest, offers like this aren’t going to fly in at your time of life. May as well make the most of what you can get.

6. You’re in France and you desperately need the bathroom. (Cryptic).

7. You have often dreamt of joining the mile-high club. It was just circumstance that stopped you before. Like the wrong kind of person making you the offer. Now your co-pilot is a woman.

November 4, 2009
7 Reasons Top Gun Is The Most Homoerotic Movie Ever Made

1. Maverick’s preferred choice of transport are motorbikes and MiGs. He basically likes a big engine between his legs. Or being strapped in with his hands clasped on a gearstick.

2. Kelly McGillis plays the main female lead, yet she is often seen in elevators dressed as a man. She also has a ridiculously good knowledge of planes and we don’t see her shaving her legs once.

3. The most iconic quote from the movie is, “I feel the need…the need for speed!” It’s a well known fact that men can’t be bothered with foreplay. Get in there, get the job done, make some toast, watch Match of the Day. Sorted.

4. In the volleyball scene, Goose is seen wearing a t-shirt. This is not because his skin burns easily. It’s because he’s a tease.

5. Other quotes from the film include, “Okay Mav, let’s turn and burn”, “I was invaded” and “We’re in his Jet Wash.” I have looked at the manual for the US Navy Strike Fighter Tactics Instructor program and can confirm that none of these appear in the terminology section.

6. Iceman. The Baywatch style bleached hair. The hand-on-hip poses. The snapping of teeth. The wingman called Slider. The walk straight out of Village People. He’s not leaving much to the imagination is he?

7. The soundtrack. From Playing With The Boys to Great Balls Of Fireto Heaven In Your Eyes by Loverboy. It’s like being at Elton John’s house party.

Spotted the movement of Viper’s buttocks or Cougar’s pink handcuffs? We want to hear about it.

October 31, 2009
7 Reasons to Support the Postal Strike

1. There will be no post and, as a result, no bills will be delivered. This means that everything will be free. Your gas and electricity will be free. Everything you buy using a credit card will be free. There will be no bank statements so you can’t be overdrawn. Result!

2. My postman’s a whistler. He’s awful, he might be whistling tunes by The Average White Band, Perry Como or Beyonce, I can’t quite tell. Now I won’t have to.

3. The weekly letter addressed to “The Householder” from Virgin Media that offers you cheaper broadband and cable television will not arrive. There are 24.7 million households in the U.K. That means that there will be 24.7 million fewer thoughts per week about Richard Branson. That’s definitely progress.

4. The Royal Mail use red elastic bands. While there is no post none of these will be used. As a consequence the Royal Mail will order fewer red elastic bands. This will lead to a surplus which may prompt their manufacturers to put them on sale to the general public, thus making our elastic band balls more colourful (i.e. not light brown).

5. We won’t have to send birthday cards. This means that we can never forget to send a birthday card. Also, we won’t have to buy birthday cards so we will never have to visit a Clinton Cards ever again. We can just write “Happy Birthday chum” on a Facebook profile and be done with the whole business.

6. Better marital harmony. If you’re browsing on Ebay late at night, after a pint or two, the goods that you buy (which are now free, remember) will not be delivered, thus avoiding a row with my (sorry, your) wife (husband/spouse/partner/significant other/special friend/cat).

7. Postal workers are popular with dogs. Every year there are approximately 826 dog related injuries between the gate and the front door. It’s so needless. I used to live up the road from a dog. Bloody big thing it was. And it often went for the postal workers. No wonder they started disguising themselves as milkmen.

Do you have additional reasons, praise or insights? Share them with us in the comments section. All criticism and negative responses are taken far more seriously and can be posted to:

7 Reasons
P.O. Box 94
Bristol
BS13 4SR

October 29, 2009
7 Reasons Andre Agassi’s Career Should Not Be Overshadowed By Crystal Meth Admission

1. Mistakes. We make them. Human’s are pre-programmed to make errors in judgement. It’s why fifteen million people watch the X-Factor. It’s why we failed to launch this blog on time yesterday. No one means to do these things, but there is something beautiful about not being perfect..

2. Andre Agassi – the tennis playing version – was an entertainer, adored the world over for his bowing, his kissing and his silly pony tail. That is who you fell in love with. Don’t forget it.

3. His autobiography, ‘Open’ hits the shelves soon. Waterstone’s only have so much space in their stockroom. To boycott Agassi’s book, is to prevent booksellers bringing in other titles. Like ‘Methematics For Dummies’.

4. There is no evidence that Crystal Meth is a performance enhancing drug. At least in the sporting arena. All we know, is that when Agassi got high, he had an urge to whip out the feather duster and polish the bookcase. Nothing wrong with a spot of cleaning now and again is there?

5. He’s retired. The future generation of tennis stars aren’t watching Agassi. They are watching Murray and Nadal. They are the role-models of today and we should be thankful for that. The game needs bigger biceps and more monotone voices.

6. We don’t remember Jennifer Capriati or Martina Hingis for anything other than their performances on court. Or their legs. Agassi should be treated in a similar vein. His legs were superbly crafted specimens.

7. I haven’t looked at Agassi’s bank account recently, but I doubt he’s short of cash. So I don’t buy the usual, ‘let’s put this in the book to sell more copies’ accusation. I think he’s genuinely sorry and if his name is now tarnished, well, then he feels he deserves it. Or maybe his ghost writer holds a grudge?

Do you want to save Andre’s reputation? Join the campaign in the comments section.

October 28, 2009
7 Reasons This Blog Was Created

1. People like lists. This is a well known fact. Shopping lists, to-do lists, Wedding lists, the list is endless. It adds structure to people’s lives. Structure is good. It makes people feel in control. We like control.

2. Seven is one of our favourite numbers. The number seven is the only number less than fifteen which cannot be represented as the sum of the squares of three integers. We like that (probably).

3. It gives us something to think about on the train or the bus or while walking to the post box. Instead of thinking, ‘Isn’t that woman’s blouse so last season?’ it gives us the chance to think of seven reasons why she is wearing that blouse. This tests our imagination. We like creativity.

4. On average we waste seven minutes a day thinking, ‘what shall I do next’. That’s the equivalent of 42 hours a year. In 42 hours you could comfortably travel around the world or hold your breath for 2520 consecutive minutes. Both of these are highly dangerous and more often that not result in Deep Vein Thrombosis or death. This blog is an antidote to both. We like saving lives.

5. Sometimes people take things far too seriously. Life should not be about taking things seriously. It should be about frivolity and nonsense. Seriousness gives us sensible shoes and Jeremy Paxman. They are bad. It’s time to be far more light-hearted. We like joy.

6. Sometimes people don’t take things at all seriously. They should. Life is a serious business. Without seriousness we get Balloon Boy and Ken Dodd. They are bad. It’s time to look at things with far more thoughtfulness. We like serious.

7. It’s the 21st Century and in the 21st Century you have to be able to back up what you say or do. It’s no good saying, ‘I just bought a new drill’ and then shrugging when your loved one asks why. You must have a reason. Other than, ‘because it had 25% off’. So there needs to be a database to help you answer that question. This is what we will provide. We like drills.

Do you have additional reasons or anything else you want to get off your chest? Share them or it with us in the comments section.

October 27, 2009