7 Reasons

Tag: flyer

  • 7 Reasons I’m Not Going To Win A Nobel Prize Anytime Soon

    7 Reasons I’m Not Going To Win A Nobel Prize Anytime Soon

    7 Reasons I'm Not Going To Win A Nobel Prize Anytime Soon

    On Tuesday evening this flyer popped through the letter box. It is fair to say I nearly fell off my half of the 7 Reasons sofa. ‘Entrepreneurs Needed’. Entrepreneurs! That’s me. ‘Groundbreaking Nobel Prize Winning Product’. Groundbreaking! Nobel Prize Winning! Product! They are all me too. Well, not the Nobel Prize bit. Not yet. But it could be me. ‘Call NOW’ Okay! Only I didn’t. I went back to making my spaghetti omelette. But yesterday… yesterday I gave them a call. And this is how it went.

    *Now, before you press play I need to tell you something. In this phone call I’m a bit sarcastic. I was expecting this groundbreaking Nobel Prize winning product to be something like a new kind of penis pump or a tulip that sings forty-six national anthems. With a Jamaican dialect. (And, be honest, who wouldn’t like a penis pump with a Jamaican dialect?) Thing thing is though, this product is neither of those. In fact, it’s a very serious product relating to health issues and is inspired by the death of someone’s father. Something I only discovered a couple of minutes into the call. So, while I wouldn’t say what you are about to hear is in any way offensive, you may find my comments and subsequent reasons insensitive. If you think that could be you, my advice would be to just ignore today’s piece and come back tomorrow.*

    [soundcloud url=”http://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/20360733″]

    Yes, I cut him off. I was bored. But more than that, I was frustrated. Five minutes I’d been on the phone and I still didn’t know what the product was or what I was needed for. And there was something else. A number of things this man said alarmed me. Let’s take it from the top.

    1.  As Heard From 0:46 – “If you’ve ever wanted to be involved in the early stages of a proven success story that is about to experience dramatic growth throughout the UK (and Europe) please continue to listen.” It’s not the proven success that bothers me here. Or, indeed, the promise of dramatic growth*. It’s the use of Europe. (The continent, not the band. Though the use of ‘Final Countdown’ as a backing track would have been apt). Europe, in this case, is very much an after thought. As if he doesn’t really believe it. And it’s silly. I wouldn’t go around saying I’ve got this great product that is going to be popular in Maidstone and the World would I? Maidstone (at least some parts of it) is already in the World. As the entrepreneur this man is seeking, I am left with severe doubts. I’m suspicious that he was going to try and charm me with the allure of freshly baked croissants. Well sorry pal, but you’ve picked the wrong man.

    2.  As Heard From 1:30 – “If you are keen to develop a significant residual income…” Hello! He’s played the money card straight away! I’ve watched Dragon’s Den too many times to know that this is too good to be true. Start off with the money card and three things happen. Firstly, the promise of profits are vastly exaggerated. Secondly, the product is abysmal. And thirdly, you start dreaming about Deborah Meaden with a giant gherkin on her head. Oh, my goodness. It’s happening already***.

    3.  As Heard From 1:47 – “It is estimated that someone has a heart attack every two minutes.” Well what the bloody hell are we doing on the phone then?! Let’s find this person and help them. They must be in all kinds of trouble. I’m sorry, but anyone who wants to chat about Nobel Prize winning products instead of helping those who are suffering is not the business partner for me. Shame.

    4.  As Heard From 1:50 – “More than 1.4 million people have a gina [pronounced gyna].” Well this is factually incorrect for a start. Without wishing to beat around the bush, I would suggest at least half the population have a gina. Even I used to have one. And understandably so. Gina G was tremendous. Anyway, the point is, I can’t work with someone who doesn’t know their facts.

    5.  As Heard From 2:21 – “Now, for most of us we need to look no further than in The Mirror…” And you’ve lost me. Right here. Any product that can in any way be traced back to Piers Morgan is a no-go area for me.

    6.  As Heard From 4:07 – “This discovery [the role of the nitric oxide molecule] was so significant that one of these Nobel Laureates in medicine subsequently wrote a book.” What?! This scientist discovered nitric oxide could prevent heart disease so he wrote a book! What? Why? Why didn’t he get on and get this stuff on the shelf in Boots and Superdrug? The Piers Morgan association lost me, this has just baffled me. Save lives or write a book? Tough decision that.**

    7.  As Heard From 4:31 – “The President of the American Heart Association, Dr. Fell On Him Pushed Her…” Oh, come on! Dr. Fell On Him Pushed Her?! What a total stitch up this was. And I bet the call wasn’t free either. Gits.

    *You can see why I thought it might be a penis pump now.

    **This takes nothing away from the fact that you won a Nobel Prize. Well done that man. (Though you are a bit dopey.)

    ***7 Reasons I Am Not Going To WIn The Nobel Prize Anytime Soon

  • 7 Reasons to Embrace Junk Mail

    7 Reasons to Embrace Junk Mail

    Junk mail.  No one likes it, but there are valid reasons to embrace it.  We don’t mean give it a cuddle, that would be weird; we mean accept and enjoy it, because there are – fortunately for us – almost seven reasons to.

    Junk Mail (Image courtesy of Stop Junk Mail)
    Junk Mail (Image courtesy of Stop Junk Mail)*

    1.  Wanted. There is something very comforting about the sound of your letter box opening and something dropping onto the floor. It makes you feel wanted and loved. If it’s a bill then it’s good to know British Gas care that you are still alive and if it’s junk mail – probably from the local estate agent asking you if you would like to consider selling your house to a family of five who have just moved to the area – well it’s good to know that they think you are friendly. You know, the kind of person who would consider moving for a family of five. The estate agents wouldn’t put the same letter through Lord Sugar’s letter box would they? No. Because he has evil in his eyes. And a guard dog.

    2.  New Experiences. One of the most regular pieces of junk mail that adorns house mats all over the country are those from local (and not so local) take-away restaurants. Whether it’s Indian, Chinese, Taiwanese, Bangladeshi, Italian or Chav, what a great way to start experiencing a different culture. It might only take you one chicken dansak to decide that you want to go and experience India for itself or it might only take one late pizza delivery by a teenager who calls you ‘boss’ to make you decide you are living in the wrong part of town.

    3.  Pens.  They say that you can never have too many pens.  And fortunately, charities have challenged this age-old assumption by providing them to us free of charge to us via the medium of junk mail.  And it turns out that you can have too many pens.  I write stuff every day, in fact you’re reading it now.  I write far more than the average person and rarely use a pen.  I require one pen, for the purpose of writing down random notes that I can’t read later on and eventually turn into paper aeroplanes.  Fortunately though, there is an alternate use for all of the pens that charities send to me at a loss.  I use them as legs for my four-legged (and six-legged) potato animals.  I clearly have too many pens.  And potatoes.

    4.  Rubbish. To be embraced heavily are those charity bags that get stuck in your letter box. You know, those that the charities ask you to fill with old and unwanted clothes. Well, if you do manage to remove them from the letter box without ripping them, they make brilliant bin bags. Don’t go walking down the street swinging one around in the breeze though, you’ll become a prime chugger target.  You’ll get chugged.  In a chugging.

    5.  Baldness.  We don’t know everything about the 7 Reasons readership.  The 7 Reasons team both have hair, and we imagine that our readers do too.  But there may be some who are afflicted with baldness.  And, if there should be such people reading, they might learn from this use of junk-mail.  Because back – way back – in history, in a time almost lost to human memory there was once a thing, a sort of a big flaming ball of heat and light that dwelt in the sky.  Some cultures worshipped it, some feared it, and it had many names.  Here, it was known as the sun.  And, in those far-gone days, when it lit up the sky, it was a menace to the follicularly challenged who lacked the natural protection from its rays that the rest of us take for granted.  But with junk-mail there’s always a free emergency hat lying on their doormat, waiting to be origamied.  Just in case the great orb in the sky should ever reappear, as unlikely as that seems.

    6.  Love. If this isn’t enough to satisfy your junk mail habit, then the final option is to create a junk mail-mache person. Then you can really embrace it if you are that way inclined. Or a pervert as it is more commonly known. Just make sure they are dry first.*

    7.  Lifestyle.  As a guide to living, junk mail is invaluable.  Want to know what not to eat or drink?  All of that information is conveniently posted unsolicited through your letterbox.  Whether it’s takeaways, highly dubious drinks delivery services, or the offers at your local branch of Londis.  If a picture of something (these things are always pictorial) comes through your letterbox, then it’s disgusting and common and bad for you.  Yet surprisingly tempting when drunk; which is how they get you, by the way.  They expect you to read them when you’re lying face-down on your own doormat having just made it home from a big night out; when your guard is down.  Why else would they put them there?  Bastards.

    *Because wet perverts are the worst kind.

    You can also use it to make one of these!

    *If you can’t find the love to embrace junk mail, check out Stop Junk Mail here.