Tag: Flowers

Guest Post: 7 Reasons Men Really Send Flowers

The time old tradition of sending flowers may be associated with well wishing, congratulations or the proclamation of love, however when men choose to furnish their loved one/ones with a fragrant bouquet of botanicals is rarely as plain as it seems. Forever masquerading as the simple, straight forward, uncomplicated strain of the human species, there lies a risk assessment, point scoring undercurrent to every decision a man makes, which would shock women. Well, maybe only some women. Actually, hardly any women, as most women are usually a few steps ahead in the second guessing game. For all those ladies who are still living in blissful ignorance of manipulating males, here are some illusion shattering things to look out for:

1. Persuasion. There is no such thing as a free bunch. One of the more obvious reasons, I grant you, but worth a mention anyway. Love hungry men trying to lure a mate or those who are trying to reignite passion need to flag their intentions. To send flowers may look like an innocent declaration of gentle feelings, but beware, strings will be attached.

2. Showing off. Although men have evolved from knuckle dragging primitives of yester year into modern day knuckle dragging primitives, they have failed to develop any colourful plumage. In lieu of shakeable eye-catching tail feathers or a flamboyant extendable quiff these simple-minded beasts resort to flowers, attempting to bedazzle their prey.

3. Distraction. How could a man considerate enough to send you flowers consider sending anyone but you flowers to? However, could those beautiful, fragrant roses have been sent to throw you off the scent? Always read the label. If they are simply addressed to ‘My Darling’, ‘Sweetheart’ or ‘Love Puff’, further questioning may be required.

4. Get Out Clause. So, you receive an arm full of Gladioli from your beloved, so glorious that it would make Morrissey weep with jealousy were he to unexpectedly clap eyes on it. Nevertheless, before you start swinging them round your head whilst singing ‘This Charming Man’, think. Has he, or is he planning on letting you down any time soon? Only time will tell.

5. Lazy. There’s not much to it really. Sending flowers cancels out having to waste any time or thought about what to get someone. Flowers can be ordered to and from anywhere in the world in less time that it takes to eat a doughnut. The old adage ‘It’s the thought that counts’ is true, but it is also the ‘effort’ and ‘imagination’ that counts, and will be counted.

6. Guilt. ‘Sorry’ does seem to be the hardest word and one that men feel they don’t have to bother actually saying if they have sent flowers. Avoiding the real issues and trying to curry favour with someone whom they may have wronged occasionally works. However, unless men man up and say exactly what they are sorry about, the flowers in question may count against them.

7. Love. Ok, ok. I’ll admit it. The majority of men who send flowers to their loved ones do so purely to make them happy. Crazy, I know, but in this cynical world we live in it is easy to forget that doing something to make someone feel all warm and fuzzy can in turn make the doer feel all warm and fuzzy too. So, why not start to make everything much warmer, fuzzier and if you suffer from hay fever, sneezier by buying someone they love some flowers.

December 1, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Men Should Never Wear A Pink Personalised T-Shirt

“Pink T-Shirt?! PINK T-SHIRT?!?!?! Are you…? Are you…serious? Why is that guy wearing that? Pink?! REALLY?!”

The above is, believe it or not, an abbreviated (and cleaner) version of the thought process racing through a man or woman’s head when they spot that rare and ridiculous beast: the pink T-shirt-wearing male.

Here is a fun list of reasons you should NOT be that beast:

1. All Aboard The Camp-er Van. OK. Let’s start with the reason that most red-blooded males will put at the top: it’s camp. A pink t-shirt is camp. And wearing a pink t-shirt is even camper. If you deem yourself to be camp, well that’s fine. You are what you wear. But if you’re not camp, well then a pink t-shirt is just not for you. Many things in life are said to be impossible. But they’re not really. Wearing a pink t-shirt and not looking camp, however, is. You just can’t do it. Wearing a pink t-shirt gives off certain signals you see. Like using straighteners on your hair or painting your nails. People might just think you care a little TOO much about your appearance. And that makes you a tart.

2. I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty. Unconvinced by the last point? This is the 21st century, right? We can straighten our hair and wear nail varnish and put on our mummy’s dresses and sing West Side Story. Errr…no…no you can’t. Metro sexuality was a passing fad to shift product. It’s gone now. Wave goodbye. Basic traditions stand the test of time for a reason.

3. Why? Just Why? Think of all the other personalised t shirts colours you could wear…
BLACK: Mysterious.
WHITE: Clean and cool.
RED: ROAR!
YELLOW: Summer time.
GREEN: …Dude…
BLUE: Cool.
PINK….now tell me, after that list, pink doesn’t NATURALLY strike you as a little odd.

4. Pink Is Not For Girls. Even WOMEN don’t really wear pink. Think about Angie at the Oscars. Elizabeth Hurley in THAT dress. Black is sexy. Red is feisty. Pink doesn’t often make the list for chicks, so…cased close?

5. You’re Fired. OK so you want three more reasons. You greedy piglets. Ladies and gentleman of the jury I refer you to the excellent, internationally-loved cartoon series The Simpsons. In the episode ‘Stark Raving Dad’ Homer is fired from work by Mr. Burns for being a “free-thinking anarchist” BECAUSE he wore a PINK SHIRT to work! So in Simpson-world it’s OFFICIALLY CRAZY. And let us NOT forget, ladies and gentleman of the jury, that Homer wore that pink shirt by MISTAKE! He washed his reds with his whites. He did NOT BUY a pink shirt.

6. It’s Not Rocket Science. If you want us to go all technical on you, we will. PINK is scientifically proven to only go with a very select amount of skin tones. We are pink and peachy and pasty and black and white and brown and NONE OF THOSE, not ONE is supposed to be a great fit with pink. Don’t blame us. BLAME SCIENCE.

7. Horticultural Impact. The word Pink comes from flowers…

BONUS REASON: Try Google image searching ‘Brad Pitt wearing pink personalised T-shirt’ or George Clooney or Johnny Depp. NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING can be found.

March 16, 2012
7 Reasons I Can Never Get Mothering Sunday Quite Right

1. The Name. My Mother is a traditional Mother. She takes two steps back if I say the wrong thing. And the wrong thing is Mother’s Day. “It is not Mother’s Day, Jonathan. It is Mothering Sunday.” Yes Mum.

2. Cards. Apart from having to ignore all the cards which say Happy Mother’s Day in the search for one that says Happy Mothering Sunday, I can never find one which doesn’t make me sound completely effeminate. I am quite happy telling my Mum she is the greatest in the world (because she is), but goodness knows what she must be thinking when I hand her something that says, ‘You are the blooming flower of my Spring, the sunshine of my Summer, the tumbling conkers of my Autumn and the turkey of my Winter’.

3. Flowers. My Mum likes flowers. I believe it’s a female thing. The problem is I can never remember which flowers my Mum likes. Sure she’ll say she likes everything, but I know for a fact that that isn’t quite true. She does have her favourites and she does tell me a day or so after the Mothering Sunday flowers have died. So why can I never remember what she said 350 days later? It’s one of life’s cruelties.

4. Music. As well as flowers I like to buy my Mum a gift. In recent years I have taken to buying her a CD. She likes The Hollies and Herman’s Hermits. My inability to mentally separate one from the other means she now has four copies of Herman’s Hermits Greatest Hits. Five if you are reading this after Sunday.

5. Household Chores. It’s not that I am bad at the ironing. Or the washing up. Or the drying up. It’s just that it is a Sunday. And on Sundays there is invariably sport on the TV. I have a habit of watching sport. Until, that is, I hear the opening of an ironing board, upon which I jump from my seat and race to the utility room where I find my Mum doing the ironing that I would eventually have started when the game had finished. On telling her to go and sit down she says, ‘No, I don’t want these being done at 7pm’. So I leave.

6. Cooking. Apparently burning doesn’t go down too well. The really frustrating thing is that when I cook for myself I never have any problems. Put a hungry woman in front of me though and I lose the plot. This year I am going to cook for myself on Friday, freeze it and reheat it on Sunday. What could possibly go wrong?

7. I’m Not There. This is probably the thing I get wrong most of the time. It is so much harder to cook the dinner, do the ironing and give her flowers when I am not actually in the same house. Ah well, there is always next year.

March 12, 2010