Tag: flat

7 Reasons to Wear a CAT Cap When Borrowing a Flat Flap (For Fat Cats)

The CAT cap, that iconic piece of American headgear is, despite what you may have read yesterday, the ideal piece of millinery to wear when borrowing a large cat flap. Here’s why.

1. You’re Lost. On the way to see your flat flap (for fat cats) lender you get lost and you don’t have a map. Normally, you couldn’t ask for directions at all but, with your CAT cap as a disguise, you can. By pretending to be an American. It’s a well known fact that 94% of lost American tourists that you encounter in the UK are actually fat, badly dressed British people putting on a funny accent. You can be one too!

2. Whippets. You might not own a fat cat at all, you might own a whippet; those mid-sized runts from greyhound litters. But what if you want to borrow a cat flap for a whippet and don’t want it to be known that your greyhound is inadequate? You can’t wear a flat cap, they’ll assume you’re a whippet owner. You can, however, wear a CAT cap and pretend that you’re borrowing one for a cat. And that your caps lock is stuck.

3. Escape. You’re on the run. They’re after you. It’s your own fault really, you fell into bad company and were led astray. When one of your friends suggested that you should brilliantine your hair and don clothes from the 1920s to go out for a night on the town, you acquiesce. Unfortunately, your gang’s – having consumed several too many Tom Collins and Manhattans – behaviour has become indecorous and has descended into committing acts of japery and tomfoolery. Soon, you and your friends are filming each other with your portable telephones as you grab total strangers on the night bus and forcibly dance the Charleston with them. After one happy flapping incident too many, you find you have become separated from your chums and are being chased by an angry, powerful looking man called Matt whose only desire for the evening was to enjoy a quiet meal out with friends, and transport his large cat flap (for his fat cat, Pat) home. And boy is he fast. As you tear round the corner of Crash Street you find that he is tiring though, and you begin to pull away from him until, eventually, he is out of sight altogether. Then, with creeping horror, you realise that something is blocking your path. That’s right, it’s the Crash Street wall: You’ve run into a dead end. Desperately scanning the surrounding area for some means of escape, you spot a yellow CAT cap protruding from a bin bag. You dust it off and put it on just as Matt bounds into view. “He went in there” you shout while pointing at a padlocked door to your right, “here let me hold that for you”. He hands you the large cat flap and furiously heads toward the door. While his back is turned, you rapidly attach the cat flap to the wall and make your escape through it. If it weren’t for the CAT cap, this might not have ended so well.

4. Baldness. Have you ever lent a cat flap to a bald person? No. No one ever does. They need to cover their heads to get cat flaps. A CAT cap will achieve this.

5. Fame. You’re Guy Ritchie. You need to go out and borrow a prop. It’s a flat cat flap for a fat cat (the film’s in plain old 2D, so you only need a flat one). But you’re being papped, so you can’t wear a flat cap (as you’re a recognisable chap who they’ll try to snap) so you slap on a CAT cap to borrow your flat flap (for a fat cat), which you’re able to borrow without incident.

6. When Abroad. You’re in America. In the American mid-west, in movies from the eighties, where most people wear plaid shirts and mesh CAT caps. And you’re on holiday. Being the sort of person who likes to be prepared (and has a suitcase full of baked beans, ginger biscuits, tea and beige trousers), you have remembered to pack your fat cat and your door, but have unaccountably forgotten your cat flap. Your cat won’t be able to get through the door so you’ll need to borrow one. And how better to approach the locals and showing them you’re not a stranger than by donning a CAT cap, and driving over to their place in a pick-up truck. With Michael J. Fox or Kevin Bacon in the passenger seat. It’ll put them at their ease and they’ll be happy to let you take their cat flap. And these broken wings.

7. Donning. Perhaps you’re already the wearer of a CAT cap. And already own a fat cat, for whom you have a cat flap. But what if your fat cat has had some sort of cat flap mishap that caused it to snap (the cat flap, not the fat cat) while you were having a nap? Well in that case, you’d need to don your CAT cap and pop out to borrow a flat fat cat cat flap to replace the one that snapped. Self-evident, really.

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March 17, 2011
7 Reasons to Borrow a Flat Cap
Yesterday, my colleague Jonathan Lee wrote 7 Reasons to Borrow a Cat Flap. As sometimes happens at 7 Reasons, I found myself in disagreement with some of his reasoning and decided to write an answer post. I sat down. Before I had accomplished anything, my wife asked me what I was writing. An answer post to “7 Reasons to Borrow a Flat Cap…Flat Cap…Flat Cap………Flat Cap! Fuck it. I’m writing 7 Reasons to Borrow a Flat Cap.” So there it is. Today’s post is brought to you courtesy of my inability to say the phrase cat flap.

This is not a flat cap.

1. DNA. If you borrow a flat cap you might find that there are fragments of DNA in it that you can use to clone the lender. And what better birthday surprise is there for a flat cap owner than to be presented with the gift of themself? Then they’ll be able to see how daft they look in a flat cap. And pretend to be in the dining room when they’re not.

2. Yorkshire. Yorkshiremen are notable for two things. Their wearing of flat caps and their fiscal prudence/utter meanness. While a purchased flat cap satisfies one of these criteria; a borrowed flat cap fulfils both. Nothing screams Yorkshire like a borrowed flat cap (except for a drunken ruddy-faced cricket spectator screaming “Yorkshire” at a whippet). Real Yorkshiremen borrow hats. I’m certain of it.

3. Versatility. Flat caps aren’t just headgear. They can be used for other purposes too. Imagine you find yourself at the beach without a Frisbee. You can borrow a flat cap and use it as one. Always remember to remove the owner first and include them in the game though. Otherwise you’re just bullying them.

4. Disguise. You’re on the run. They’re after you. They’re after you! You’re like Richard Hannay in The Thirty-Nine Steps (except that in this example I have thoughtfully provided an escalator). As you flee through the fog, the whistle-blowing rozzers are hot on your heels. You round a corner and almost collide with an old man in a flat cap. Thinking quickly, you tear the hat from his head and place it on your own. You spin round, stoop, and shuffle in the direction from which you have come, while the police tear past you round the corner and continue running into the fog. You breathe deeply, fleetingly experiencing the sweet serenity of relief. Then the old man – a retired escalator salesman – sets about you with his walking stick, hitting you thirty-nine times, as you repeatedly yell “Stop!”

5. Finance. A borrowed flat cap has an approximate annual maintenance cost per annum of £0.00. This represents great value. If worn all the time this could – in my case – mean an annual saving of £120 on haircuts. So borrowing a flat cap makes great fiscal sense. You could use the money you’ve saved by not getting your hair cut (highlighted/dyed (you might be a girl or a pillock)) to buy some sort of larger over-hat to hide your flat cap. Perhaps a pirate hat. Then you’ll have saved yourself money and you’ll look like a pirate. I really should have been a financial adviser.

6. Comedy. Why, you might reasonably ask, would someone wear a hat which makes their head look like they’ve had an unfortunate accident involving both gravity and an anvil? The answer is comedy. Borrow a flat cap and you can:
- Convince a small child that your head is flat.
- Wear it backwards and pretend to be a git.
- Impersonate Norman Wisdom (this is only funny in Albania)
- No, that’s about it.
- For comedy you’re actually better off borrowing a custard pie.
- Or a plank.
7. Benevolence. By borrowing a flat cap, you provide a valuable service to the flat cap owner. I, for example, am the owner of two flat caps. If someone borrowed one of them I’d feel less like Guy Ritchie. I’d like that.

Coming tomorrow: 7 Reasons to Borrow a Flat Cat*

*or 7 Reasons to Borrow a Cap Flap
March 15, 2011
7 Reasons That Sparkling Water is Better Than Still

1. You Can Put Fruit In It. I’m perfectly aware, of course, that you can put fruit into still water too. But if you do that, then you tend to look a bit weird; it looks like a bit of an affectation. But you can put fruit in sparkling water anytime you like without anyone batting an eyelid. It has to be the right type of fruit though, a wedge of lemon or lime, for example. If you chuck a banana in there – or a tomato – you’ll look quite mad.

2. You Can’t Drink It Too Fast. Being carbonated, sparkling water is almost impossible to drink too fast – you just end up full of gas and burping for England (I wonder if people of other nations also represent England when they use this expression?). So, basically the major consequence of drinking too much sparkling water too quickly is a comedic one. But if you drink too much still water too quickly, the consequence is death; from water intoxication. So, sparkling water leads to burping and still water leads to death. Hmm, decisions, decisions.

3. Cats Won’t Drink It. If you pour yourself a glass of still water and leave it lying around then cats will often try and drink it.* Well, there’s nothing wrong with that, you’re probably thinking, my cat’s a loveable and hygienic animal. But wait! How do cats drink? With their horrible, hideous, velcro cat-tongues, that’s how. And what does your cat spend most of its time doing with its horrible, hideous, velcro cat-tongue? That’s right, licking its own bottom. So by sticking its tongue into your drink, your cat might as well be defecating into it. Would you want to drink it then?** Cats don’t do this with sparkling water, of course. Firstly, it often contains citrus fruit (which cats hate), and secondly, in many cases it frightens them (they don’t like getting wet while drinking it).

4. It’s Easier To Find. Ever tried to find a glass of still water in the dark? No, of course not. You probably have more interesting things to do in darkened rooms than finding glasses of water. But I haven’t, and I can reveal to you that sparkling water is far easier to find in the dark than still water, being more easily apparent to the auricular senses.

5. It’s Cooler. Not temperature wise, though I imagine that the freezing point of sparkling water would be marginally lower than that of still water due to the bubbles agitating the liquid causing its transformation to a solid to take longer***. But no, it’s cooler. What would you rather be seen swigging from when cruising down the Via Giulia in Roma in a dark suit or pencil skirt on your Vespa, a bottle of San Pellegrino or a tap containing Severn-Trent?

6. It Effervesces. It moves! Now, moving can be a desirable feature; who among us hasn’t berated a car for not moving at some time or other? And, by way of adding balance, moving can also be an undesirable feature; if you leave the same car in the car park and it moves while you’re away, you’re going to be pretty damned cross. But moving water is good. Because still water stagnates, and moving water doesn’t. Would you drink the contents of a little-disturbed pond? No. Would you drink the contents of a fast-flowing mountain stream? Yes. Movement – in terms of water – is a desirable feature.

7. Aesthetics. I know what I’d rather look at while I’m sitting in my living room sipping water. Yes, the television. But in the unlikely event that I wasn’t allowed to look at the television/out of the window/at the cat/at my right knee/at album covers/at the owl cushions, I’d far rather look at a glass of sparkling water than still water, no matter how deep the latter runs.

*This is assuming you have a cat. If you don’t have one, it won’t attract any.

**No! Why did you even have to scroll down to check the answer?

***Blimey. Science!

January 31, 2011