Tag: film

Guest Post: 7 Reasons Crossroads Is The Best Road Trip Movie Ever

It’s been a decade since the release of Britney Spears’ misunderstood road trip movie Crossroads. The film was initially derided as an awkward, contrived and cynically packaged marketing exercise, but now, finally, the critical landscape is ready to accept the truth: Crossroads is a masterpiece, and the greatest road adventure ever committed to celluloid.

Why? Well, there are dozens of reasons, but here are the top seven…

1. The story. Crossroads is a both a literal and emotional journey. The plot sees three small-town friends – the shy Lucy (Britney Spears), popular Kit (Zoe Saldana), and pregnant Mimi (Taryn Manning) – travel across America so Mimi can audition for something and fulfill the dream she’s held for at least the first 12 minutes of the movie.

But this is no shallow teenage odyssey – these girls are on a journey of self-discovery. Forget your preconceptions of Crossroads as derivative fodder for the early 2000s Myspace and MTV audience; this is an original and skilfully crafted coming-of-age chef-d’oeuvre.

In the space of an indeterminate length of time, the three lead characters face life-changing conflict and decisions. This transforms them from girls – who don’t think about practical things like maps, accommodation, car tax or bike insurance – into almost-women of responsibility and self-determination.

In many ways Crossroads packs a far greater emotional journey punch than, say, The Motorcycle Diaries. Ernesto Guevara is no Lucy Wagner.

2. The star. As Lucy Wagner, Britney Spears creates one of the most iconic female protagonists in film history.

Her narrative arc is compelling. Dramatic. She changes from a girl who’s musically talented but shy, to a girl who’s musically talented but not quite as shy. And even though the film is partially about her sexual awakening, she maintains a thoroughly wholesome all-American-ness throughout. This is the work of a seriously amazing actor.

In fact, Britney’s acting is mesmerising throughout the film. She does it all, acting sad, happy, conflicted; no emotion is beyond her acting range. Her lack of acting employment since Crossroads just goes to show that she acted so well in 2002 she has nothing left to prove.

3. The Themes. While the casual viewer might see only facile fun and friction, Crossroads is really about the things that matter. Things that matter to young people. Things like love. And friendship. And there’s stuff about date rape and teen pregnancy too, which in no way feel like token issues lazily shoehorned in to engineer credibility by association. It’s deep.

And it gets deeper. Road trips movies are about vehicles, and Crossroads is both a road trip movie and a vehicle; it’s a star vehicle – showcasing Britney’s acting talent – and it’s a vicarious vehicle, transporting us through the kind of intelligent and seminal cinematic adventure that comes along maybe once in a generation.

Even the movie’s title, Crossroads, is a reference to the metaphorical crossroads encountered by its characters.

Basically, this is a movie that works on every possible thematic level.

4. The Cameos. While this vehicle is driven by the star quality of Britney Spears, Crossroads has several excellent supporting performances. Lovable dork Justin Long has a close-but-no-cigar bedroom scene, playing a desperate nerd trying to lose his virginity with a partially-clothed and smokin’ Britney. The scene is incredibly plausible.

Sex and the City’s Kim Cattrall plays against type as a vacuous, materialistic narcissist. In her role as Brit’s mother, Cattrall enjoys some of the most authentic-sounding dialogue of the film. Her performance is veritably the opposite of stilted and awkward.

Best of all, Dan Aykroyd plays Brit’s father Pete. Some people say Dan Aykroyd hasn’t done anything decent since Ghostbusters. They say he doesn’t care anymore. But Crossroads is proof that argument just isn’t true. There’s no way he phoned this one in. No way.

5. The Poetry. One of the best scenes in the movie comes when Britney recites a poem from her notebook by the campfire. Brit informs us she’s Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman by reading aloud lines like, “I used to think I had the answers to everything, but now I know that life doesn’t always go my way.”

It’s a stunningly eloquent and insightful exploration of complicated teenage emotions. In just one minute of screentime, Britney simultaneously lends a lyrical complexity and high-brow gravitas to the already nuanced film, and establishes herself as the feminine voice of her generation.

If there can be any criticism of Crossroads – which is difficult because it’s pretty much perfect – it’s that there should be more poetry.

6. The Dreamboat. The professionally handsome man-actor Anson Mount plays Ben – Britney’s on-screen love interest. Ben is a dream. A hunk. He’s a good-looking rebel playing by his own rules. At one point he smoulders so hard he threatens to reduce vulnerable Britney to a puddle of yearning oestrogen.

Anson’s completely believable chemistry with Brit is momentarily jeopardised when one of the girls admits he’s a criminal; maybe even… a killer. Yes. I know. Edgy.

But it turns out Ben was actually arrested on a technicality – for crossing the border with his step sister to escape their abusive father. Making him the most selfless and noble criminal of all-time. And even hotter. And probably one of the best-written characters ever.

7. The Music. It’s actually impossible to imagine how Crossroads has only achieved a score of 3/10 on IMDb when you see the incredible karaoke scene in the movie. Picture this: Mimi tries to sing, but is useless. So Britney steps in. To begin with, she’s very shy and isn’t particularly good. People heckle. They heckle Britney!

But they don’t know what’s coming. None of us could. Suddenly – and this is so unexpected, it blew me away – it turns out that underneath all the shyness and awkwardness Lucy/Britney is actually amazing at singing. Amazing. She’s a natural. She sings ‘I Love Rock’n’Roll’. And people love it. They can’t believe how wrong they were!

With ‘head fakes’ like this, it’s possible that Crossroads isn’t only the most underrated road trip film ever, but the most underrated film. Of all time.

About the author: Andrew Tipp is a writer, blogger and editor. He is a full-time digital scribbler and part-time appreciator of Britney Spears. He has worked as a travel editor for gapyear.com, but watching Crossroads was his greatest adventure. In his spare time he eats bacon.

January 21, 2013
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Go On Safari

Going on safari should certainly give you plenty to write home about! Here are seven other good reasons to think about booking one.

Photo by prise69

1. Because African Wildlife Is So Much More Interesting Than British Wildlife. Since Sir Ewen of Lochiel slayed the last wolf in Britain in 1680 there has been a distinct lack of interesting animals on British shores. With UK farmers expressing reservations about ideas to re-introduce bears, lynx and wolves to Albion’s countryside, intrepid travellers must go abroad to try and catch glimpses of the beautiful but dangerous wild animals which have roamed the earth since the dawn of mankind.

A glance at television wildlife programmes shows the gulf between the variety and quality of British wildlife compared to that found on an African safari. While shows such as Springwatch concentrates on the nesting progress of chaffinches and Blue Tits, Safari Vet School focusses on lions’, elephants’, rhinos’ and giraffes’ glorious fight for survival.

African wildlife or British wildlife: in terms of variety and exoticism there really is no competition.

2. Safaris Keep You Fit. The TV programme Safari Vet School does paint a slightly distorted picture of how physically taxing an African safari break is – you are unlikely to spend all day chasing lions with tranquilised darts in their body as the young vets did in one episode.

However, a typical safari in Africa will involve lots of healthy activities in the fresh air; walking safaris are particularly popular in this fascinating continent.

And if you want to combine long hikes with relaxing on golden sands then bear in mind that countries like Tanzania offer beach-and-bush holidays.

3. To Brush Up Your Photography Skills. Going on holiday shouldn’t be all about collecting holiday photographs which are more interesting that the ones your friends have displayed on Facebook. But let’s face it, it often is.

Your long-lens photo of a lion staring at you in the Masai Mara is sure to trump those blurred photos of the Eiffel Tower your annoying neighbours have just posted.

4. It’s A Good Excuse To Wear Great Fashions. Safari styles never seem to go out of fashion. While it’s considered a fashion faux-pas to wear animal print accessories when checking in at a safari lodge, khaki clothing and belted bush jackets look as good on safari as they do on the catwalk.

5. You’ve Seen The Film, Now See The Place. Films like Out of Africa and African Queen have put safari culture on the map and showcased the beauty of the African continent. African Queen, which starred Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn, was filmed in Uganda and the Congo. Out of Africa was shot in Kenya. Any places which are part of Hollywood history must be worth visiting.

6. Because The Royals Love Safaris. The British Royal Family has long been a fan of the safari experience. Queen Elizabeth II was staying in a Kenyan treetop safari lodge when she learned that she was to become Queen and her immediate family have all at one time or another gone on safari to escape the stresses of daily court life. Maybe you’ll see a member of the Royal Household through your binoculars when you’re trying to catch a glimpse of wildlife in Africa.

7. To Emulate David Attenborough And Wildlife Cameramen. Just how do cameramen capture extraordinary footage of Big Game in the wild? And why do camera operators never shout out a helpful warning to a creature if it’s being stalked by a predator?

You might well have a better understanding of the qualities needed by cameramen if you go on an African safari. Patience and the ability to stay silent are probably two of the main necessary attributes.

If you’ve got these then you’re ideally qualified to get the most from a safari!

Author Bio: James Christie writes for safari specialists Safari Consultants. Contact Safari Consultants to find out more about tailor-made safaris in Africa.

May 13, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Road Trips Are Awesome

There’s no better feeling than the wind in your hair, the open road ahead of you and some pumping tunes on the radio. You have only two objectives – get from A to B and have fun. Here’s seven reasons why road trips rock.

1. You Get to Drive Something Different. Although you can opt to take your crappy Nissan Micra cross-country – where’s the fun in that? A road trip is the prime opportunity to hit that car hire firm and rent the vehicle of your dreams. Go wild. Cadillac, camper van, Monster Truck – the choice is yours. Just remember three things, it needs to be comfortable, you need to opt for a vehicle with cup holders – so as to ensure that passengers can be hydrated with no risk of spillage – and you need a sound system that goes up loud!

2. Power Rock. Road trips are 25% about the journey and 75% about the tunes that you choose to accompany your epic voyage. This is your prime opportunity to delve into the greats of 80’s/90’s power rock. I mean screeching guitars, high pitched man voices and lots of opportunities for throwing your rock fingers into the air and waggling your tongues ‘Gene Simmons-style’ at the children trying to peacefully watch ‘Lady and the Tramp’ in the next car.

3. Road Trip Games. When else in your adult life do you get to play games? Any sport with a referee doesn’t count. I’m talking good old-fashioned car journey games. There is something about the fact that you are cooped up in a car that makes even the simplest game amazing. In every day life you may see six, maybe seven yellow cars a day and allow them to pass by without comment. Suddenly, simply your location means that the appearance of a yellow vehicle will have you acknowledging its presence with a shrill cry of victory and a short, sharp jab to your partners arm. When else is violence condoned? Ordinarily you may be saddened to see a poor little badger deceased on the side of the road – not when your objective is to spot the road kill before you companions. Embrace the games.

4. Junk Food. No matter where you are travelling, chances are you won’t be able to be healthy. So don’t beat yourself up about it. Drink that Red Bull even when you heart tells you it can take no more. Scoff those Haribo and Pringles safe in the knowledge that they were the only option in the Texaco garage on the M42. And, if you have to, follow those golden arches. This may well be the only time that it is acceptable to step inside the home of that creepy clown and heck…supersize it if you want – you need the energy.

5. Interesting Characters. What’s the one thing that crops up without fail in road movies? Unusual characters. It’s inevitable. Whether it be a minibus full of boisterous football fans on their way home from a match – eager to show you what’s under their clothes – or a handsome cowboy who seduces you and then steals all of your bail money, it will happen so have a contingency plan.

6. Arguments. Whenever map reading is involved, there will be arguments. Use them as therapy, air your woes and criticise your companions’ foibles. Get it out, you’ll feel lighter. See it as ‘On-the-Road Healing’.

7. Saving Money. Your outgoings are petrol and snacks, none of this airport tax malarkey or being charged extra by the cretins at Ryanair for a blanket in their sub-zero plane cabin. These saved pennies can be used to stock up on fun road trip activities or as extra beer money when you finally reach your destination. Bonus.

March 1, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Not To Get Too Close To The Sun (Or Even Try)

With the clocks going back, the nights drawing in and the sun on holiday until next April, it could be very tempting to go looking for some rays. As James Bentham tells us though, you don’t want to be going upwards.

***

The Sun, is really rather useful. It is the root cause of life on our planet and lies at the centre of our solar system some 1.496 x 108 km away. Considering what a ridiculously long way that is, it keeps one side of the Earth nice and toasty, whilst the other side has a rest. Thank goodness the human race was capable of developing that mechanical marvel, the electric heater for those dark times. If, like a moth to a flame, you have a desire to get up and close with the Sun though, a number of terrible things could happen en route.

Step away from the sun

1. Oxygen Deficiency. You really don’t have to go very far on your journey towards our nearest star before you start getting into trouble. If you decide to venture out of our atmosphere on the rocket you made in your back garden without adequate breathing apparatus, you will quickly discover that it’s difficult to breathe. In fact you won’t be able to at all, due to the lack of oxygen and you will almost certainly be killed to death. Just look at what happened to Schwarzenegger in Total Recall.

2. Chill Factor. If you have had the sense to get some breathing gear, you’ll probably still struggle. Surprisingly, it’s actually really bloody cold once you’re in space. To put a number on it, it is around -270.7 degrees centigrade, otherwise known as absolute zero. So, if you’ve set off on your journey in your shorts and t-shirt, thinking it’s going to be tan-city, you will freeze to death. Nope, even that nice woolly jumper your Gran knitted for you won’t help.

3. Spaceship For Sale. Okay, so by some miracle you have acquired all the necessary gear to survive in space. But how the hell are you actually going to make it closer to the Sun? You’ll definitely need some sort of vehicle, but you’ll probably need a few billion dollars to get one. That’s weeks and weeks of pocket money you’re going to have to save up and even then, you’ll have to befriend an Arab Prince to get enough fuel.

4. Bumpers. Hurrah, you’re on your way! You’ve burst through the Earth’s atmosphere like Roadrunner on crystal meth. Hang on a sec though, here comes another opportunity for disaster. There is a massive amount of man-made detritus floating around in orbit of the earth. With old, broken satellites for ancient phone networks nobody uses any more like, T Mobile or Vodafone, bits of the last shuttle that tried this ridiculous expedition, you’re pretty much guaranteed to crash into something and join that elephant’s graveyard of space crap.

5. Hemorrhoids. If you do manage to successfully navigate the orbital dumping ground, more terrors await in outer space. Stuff whizzes around in space all the time, as once you apply a force to something in space, it will literally keep going in that direction until something stops it. See where I’m going with this? Meteors and other dangerous bits of the universe will fly at you from all directions and unless you have some Han Solo-esque manoeuvres up your sleeve, you’ll be smashed into a thousand pieces.

6. Two’s Company (And Death). As you get ever closer to the Sun, you may notice yourself starting to behave a bit strangely. A recent documentary involving Cillian Murphy and filmed by Danny Boyle, widely respected by the scientific community, demonstrated this. It’s probably not a good idea to take any companions with you, as one of you will fall in love with the beauty of the Sun, go insane and kill everyone aboard your craft. That’s just how it is.

7. Disco Inferno. You made it! Congratu…oh you’ve gone. Yep that’s right, you made it all this way and were instantly incinerated as soon as you got anywhere near. After all the Sun is ridiculously hot you idiot, why even bother, seriously? Even the outside of the Sun is about 100,000 Kelvin, which is way too hot to write in centigrade. Once you get down to the core (which you won’t because you’ll have died a fiery, fiery death) the temperature reaches about 13,600,000 Kelvin. Imagine burning your hand on the cooker, but times about 13,599,999 and you might just have it, but even then…

So there you go, I think we’ve managed to discern that trying to get close to the Sun is a fairly bad idea. To be honest though, we’ve known for centuries. Everyone knows what happened to Icarus, that maverick. His Dad was like “No don’t fly so close you complete moron, I spend hours making those wings! I stank of bird lime for weeks!”. But Icarus was just like “and what?” proceeding to fly towards the Sun without any of the recommended gear only to fall to his watery grave. Surprised? I think not.

November 3, 2011
7 Reasons To Be A Birdman

The other month, Worthing did something that it had never done before. It appealed to me. Or, to be more precise, the Worthing International Birdman Competition appealed to me. Lots of muppets chucking themselves off Worthing pier. Brilliant. I doubt they needed persuading, but if you have ever considered being a Birdman, here are seven compelling reasons why you should definitely do it.

1. The Horn. We’re all a little bit kinky at heart. We probably won’t admit it – which is why I’m admitting it on your behalf – but the idea of spandex and lycra is not all too alien to us. Opportunities to wear such attire rarely show themselves however, which is why being a Birdman is the perfect excuse. You could be Superman or Bananaman or Robin or a Dominatrix. You get a cheap thrill and no one bats an eye lid. Perfect.

2. Funding. If you went up to your friends and said, “I’m dressing up as Peter Pan, can I have a fiver?” you’d probably get laughed out of the room. Well, pushed anyway. Saying that you’re doing if for charity though and they’ll be far quicker to the cash point. Of course you’re not going to give it to charity, you’re just funding your unemployment habit.

3. Cred. R Kelly’s masterpiece I Believe I Can Fly is often cited as being thoroughly whimsical. No one really believes they can fly. Not even me after half a Peroni. Being a Birdman, though, gives this song new credibility. So, if you don’t want to be a Birdman so you can throw yourself off a pier, do it for Robert Sylvester.

4. Impress. Why was Superman so popular with the ladies? It wasn’t his glasses. Or his ability to stalk Lois Lane. It was because he could fly. And perhaps because he could protect you against just about anything that wasn’t within close proximity of a green, shiny rock. Mainly though, it was because he could fly. So, if there is someone out there you want to impress – and your 1995 Premier League Sticker Album is failing to do the magic – be a Birdman. (As for why Superman was so popular with the men. Well that comes down to Teri Hatcher. Superman managed to marry her, James Bond managed to get her killed. Muppet.).

5. Punishment. Maybe you’ve let yourself down. Perhaps you dropped a catch. Perhaps you shouted at your Mum. If you are not a Roman Catholic you gave not ask for forgiveness, so go and be a Birdman. A poor Birdman though. It is your duty to simply belly flop off the pier. That is your comeuppance. And if it doesn’t hurt, do it again. And again. And again. Only when you have tears in your eyes and at least one broken rib can you stop.

6. Film. There is little debate that Birdman Of Alcatraz is a good film, but, let’s be honest, while it contained a lot of stuff about sparrows, there was very little of Burt Lancaster disguising himself as a sparrow and trying to escape. I know it was based on a true story, but had John Frankenheimer never heard of artistic license? Should you prove yourself to be a good Birdman there is a very real possibility that you might find yourself cast alongside Simon Bird, Russell Crowe and Ethan Hawke in Birdman Of Alcatraz 2: Feathered Creatures.

7. Men Can Be Birds Too. I once knew a bloke called Kieran. I say ‘once knew’ because I don’t know him anymore. Sadly, he’s no longer with us. It’s okay, he’s not dead. He’s now a woman called Cynthia. Now, changing sex is not my kind of thing, but it’s what he/she wanted to do and I can only commend him/her on his/her decision to go through with it. I only wish that there had been a Birdman competition while he was contemplating the procedure. That way he could have experienced being a bird without the great expense. Still, he’s got boobs to play with now so I expect she’s happy.

October 3, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons For Schools To Get Involved In Our Anti-Bullying Project

A few weeks ago you may remember that I auctioned off a 7 Reasons package for Comic Relief. Part of the package included the opportunity to write a guest post for us. That is why today Dr Andy Hickson sits on the 7 Reasons sofa.

7 Reasons is of course a humour site and as such doesn’t feature serious posts very often. Today though, we look at a very serious topic. Andy is the Director of Actionwork, a Theatre and Film in Education company that seeks to promote empowerment and reduce bullying and violence in schools. I am sure this is something we can all relate to. If we weren’t bullied then we almost know someone who was. I was bullied for many years. To this day I am not entirely sure why, but what I do know is that the only deterrents available were telling the teachers – something that didn’t work – and punching the twat – something that did. Hardly suitable options for such a prevalent issue. As a result I think we should encourage organisations, such as Actionwork, who try and prevent bullying by other means.

Andy’s 7 Reasons takes a slightly different form to regular posts in that his seven reasons are featured in a letter. One of the projects that Andy is currently working on is the Anti-Bullying Village. To find out more about the project and read his seven reasons please take a look at the Actionwork Anti-Bullying Village Schools Letter. And do check out the Actionwork website.

Finally, we’d just like to say thank you to Andy for bidding on our auction (and anyone else who challenged him). It seems fitting that an irreverent idea results in the promotion of something so worthwhile. Not to mention a bit of money for Comic Relief.

April 2, 2011
7 Reasons We Should All Have Our Own Personal CCTV

After yesterday’s big announcement I am sure you were expecting a post about that. Sadly though, I have not had the time to give such a piece the careful consideration it requires, but hopefully we’ll read 7 Reasons Andy Carroll Is Worth More Than Blackburn Rovers later in the week. For now we shall look at a subject that is close to many people’s hearts. Or at least it should be. CCTV. Each and every one of us should have our own personal CCTV. Here’s why:

1. Child Behavioural Device. My Mum always used to scare me by telling me she had eyes in the back of her head. Between the ages of four and six I don’t think I ever stood behind her. It was only when a wasp attacked her hair that I realised she was something of a con artist. The lie though (not to be mistaken with lilo) worked. I was never naughty behind my mother’s back. Just in case a couple of eyeballs popped out. Of course, now that today 7 Reasons has dispelled the ‘eyes in the back of my head’ myth, parents around the land will require a new threat level. And while a mirror maybe substantially cheaper, having CCTV cameras sticking out of various orifices would be much scarier.

2. Adult Behavioural Device. Any kind of assault on another human being will soon become a thing of the past. Firstly, everyone will know they won’t get away with it. Secondly, potential victims will be able to see an imminent attack coming. And all yours for £99 (exc VAT). Sometimes, my own genius scares me.

3. Capture Happiness. There are some moments in life we just want to relive over and over again. Maybe your engagement, your marriage, your divorce or England winning the Ashes*. Whichever it is, with CCTV you can record each of these moments using a multitude of angles and when you wish to remind yourself you can do just that. Now, the question you have for me is probably, ‘Why couldn’t I just use a camcorder?’ Well my answer goes something like this. You can’t spend your life walking around with a camcorder in your hand. It’ll get in the way, you won’t be permitted to watch the school nativity and when you are more than a little worse for wear in Las Vegas you’ll probably lose it before you find a minister. With CCTV being the norm, none of these problems will occur.

4. Image. They say pictures speak louder than words so let me point you in the direction of today’s 7 Reasons image. (That’s the one above). Not one of you can tell me that that guy, who we shall call Bobby, doesn’t look pretty cool. Sure, Bobby’s not wearing his usual sailors outfit, but I can tell you that Bobby feels confident. More confident than Bobby has ever felt before actually. And the world needs more confident Bobbies. Bobbies who will stand in the middle of a riot and happily capture the carnage around them. Not that there will be any carnage because of the CCTV. But at least the Bobbies will capture a lot of people standing around in the same place for a while. They can then upload it to YouTube and call it a flash-mob. Bound to be a hit.

5. Piracy. I think we can all agree that film piracy is a disgrace and a blight on the film industry. The quality is often so poor. With personal CCTV this will change. Given that everyone will have the opportunity to film a film, the pirates will have to use the latest personal CCTV equipment to offer the quality that people will pay for. And that’s brilliant because for your £3 you will no longer get a string of silhouettes going to the toilet, but a film of the quality that the original filmmakers intended. **

6. Forgetfulness. Where did I put the car keys? Where did I put the car? Whose nicked the car park? Am I drunk? The answers to so many questions can be found just by pressing that rewind button. Simple, but beautiful.

7. Social Media Integration. I am sure we all have friends who mention on facebook or twitter that they have just arrived at Selfridges or the Hurlingham Club or the Nou Camp. One day one of my friends checked into Sinagpore Airport at 7pm and three hours later he was watching some baseball in New York. Amazing. But obviously utter bollocks. None of my friend’s have ever checked in at KFC. And let’s be honest I am friend’s with some real pikies. Not in real life obviously, just on facebook. CCTV will identify these pathetic people for the fraudsters they really are by posting live video with every status update.

From The Bahamas, JL.

*Get in.

**In no way do 7 Reasons condone film piracy. It is bad. Very bad. (Though it maybe joked about if you are desperate for a fifth reason).

February 1, 2011
7 Reasons In 7 Minutes?

You may have noticed that recently Marc and I have started to write joint posts. This week, owing to many factors, we haven’t. Oddly, you may think, I only realised this this morning. At 8.53am. That gave me seven minutes to write 7 Reasons. Could I do it? Let’s have a look.*

*If you’ve subscribed to us for your Kindle, you aren’t going to be able to watch this are you?

**That weird thing I do at 1:16? Yep, I’m watching Andy Murray.

January 28, 2011
7 Reasons That Goats Should Stare at Men
I’m sure we’re all familiar with the film, The Men Who Stare at Goats, which is based on the work of a secret psychic military unit. But in that film they’re doing it wrong. Men shouldn’t stare at goats. Goats should stare at men. It’s obvious. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Men Are More Interesting Than Goats. This it not universal, as anyone who’s ever seen the queue in a Homebase on a wet Thursday afternoon or viewed the bits between the sport on Sky Sports will testify, but generally, it is true. After all, men build things; men wage war; men get drunk; and fall over; men morris dance. Goats on the other hand, do not. Goats stand; goats chew; goats stand some more; goats sit down. That’s pretty much it as far as goats go. If you want to know how relatively interesting goats and men are, just look at the internet. The ratio of men to goats depicted online is 999999999999999999:1*. The evidence is overwhelming.

2. It’s Less Dangerous For Them Than Staring At Women. Anecdotal evidence suggests that, in the UK, you are more likely to be physically assaulted in a pub car park by an addled simpleton enquiring, “Are you staring at my bird?” than in any other circumstance.** And this is a scenario that goats are just fundamentally ill-equipped to deal with. Rather than diffusing the situation by calmly and rationally replying, “Yes, but in a curious, rather than a lecherous way. Is her skin naturally that orange? Did she apply her mascara with a spoon? Shouldn’t someone be holding her hair back while she’s vomiting?” a goat would just stand there, being a goat. If they stared at women, our pub car-parks and city centres would be full of hyper-aggressive drunkards punching goats every weekend to the soundtrack of “leave him Gary, he’s not worth it”. No one wants that, except Gary. And he’s an idiot.

3. Conscience. In the modern secular age, where our notion of an all-knowing God and right and wrong are becoming ever more confused and blurred, we all need a little help and guidance every now and again. And what better way to make men consider their actions than by having a goat stare at them. After all, there are many, many things that you might conceivably do when alone that you would not do when a goat was looking at you. These include:
- Picking things.
- Scratching things.
- Rubbing things.
- Pulling things.
- Poking things.
- Looking at things.
- Other stuff with things.
Could you look at pornography if a goat was staring at you? No. Could you pick the pocket of a nun if a goat were staring at you? No. Could you have sex with a goat if a goat were staring at you? No.*** If goats stared at us, we’d live better lives.

4. Time-Saving. If you’re a man you’re probably thinking, I won’t have time to look after a goat. I have important things to do, I have trains to look at and pants to file and whatnot. But you’d be wrong. Your staring-goat would actually save you time as you’d never, ever need to mow the lawn again. Nor, if you already do this, would you need to go and chew the local playing field for half an hour every day, your goat could do that for you too. Being stared at by a goat is like being given the gift of time.

5. Education. Goats will get something from the whole staring at men deal too. They’ll learn from us. After all, goats haven’t evolved or significantly changed their lifestyle since they first appeared on the planet (unless they evolved from geese, in which case, well done goats, do carry on). By staring at men, they might learn to do something other than standing in a field and staring at men. They might evolve to use tools, to walk upright, to tell time or even learn to read books, instead of eating them. Goats will benefit.

6. Responsibility. This is not universally the case, but many men lack a sense of responsibility and really only get one when fatherhood is thrust upon them. But being the keeper of a staring goat would engender that sense of responsibility. After all, there’s nothing like having to feed something, teach it right and wrong (not to butt the television except when East Enders is on, not to gore the cat with its horns etc) to make you realise that you have other things to think about than whether your shoes are a slightly different colour to each other, or whether the light on the floor varies significantly over the 15cm gap between them causing them to appear different…Nope, it’s the light. Right, where was I? Oh yes, and the ladies will love you when they see you tenderly strapping your goat into the back of the car before setting off on journeys. They’ll see you as potential breeding material, so you’ll be more sexually successful. Though you will have to perform with a goat staring at you, good luck with that.

7. Trains. Men – despite the Clint Eastwood/John Wayne/Buster Keaton strong, silent stereotypes – are gregarious social creatures for whom being alone can lead to loneliness, and that lack of socialization can in turn lead to eccentricity, outright weirdness and a penchant for trains. The company of a staring goat would prevent men becoming lonely and developing strange habits, which would eventually lead to the demise of trainspotting as a pastime. It would probably also lead to the end of model aeroplane building and World of Warcraft, so bring on the goats, I say. Oh, and please send my next-door neighbour his first, as the sounds of his model trains are audible in my loft at night. And they interfere with me cataloguing my button collection.****

*This figure is made up. I don’t have time to count the internet just to illustrate that men are represented there in a far larger number than goats.

**It’s interesting to note that no one, ever, in the history of drink-fuelled, envy-inspired, pub car-park assaults has commenced proceedings by uttering the phrase, “Are you staring at my fiancé?”

***It would be the wrong way round, for a start.

****This is untrue. I wrote it for comedic effect, please, please, please do not send us any correspondence about buttons. No buttons. No!
January 26, 2011
7 Reasons To Have A Pizza Express Tattoo

Now, I’m not really a fan of fantasy and sci-fi. Whether it be in book, TV or film format. Last week though, I caught my girlfriend watching one of those Twilight films. Eclipse I think it was. Given that the sofa faces the TV I ended up watching a bit of it. And what I saw was quite extraordinary. One of the main characters, Jacob, – who is not a person, but in fact a wolf – has a tattoo on his arm. A tattoo that looks very much like the Pizza Express logo. That was it then, I didn’t watch the rest of the film. I was too busy thinking how cool it would be to have a Pizza Express tattoo.

1. Memory. Many people get a tattoo to celebrate the life of someone who is no longer with us. In a similar vein, a Pizza Express logo is a nice tattoo to get if you wish to celebrate the life of that pizza. Maybe it disappeared due to natural causes (IE: it was eaten) or maybe it died a sudden death (IE: being burnt to a crisp in the oven). Either way, the tattoo will never let you forget.

2. Love. We’ve all seen people with the names of their loved ones tattooed across their body. They do it to express their never-ending deep affection for someone. You may feel the same way about someone you love. Or a Pizza Express pizza. But, if like me, you have deep affection for a variety of Pizza Express pizzas you may feel it disloyal to show your love for just one. In such a case, the best option would be to show your love for the entire brand.*

3. Originality. I am going to put myself out on a limb here and say that no one in the world has a Pizza Express tattoo. If you got one, you would be one of the first. You’d actually start a trend. We are well aware that we do have something of a reputation for not being taken seriously, but I can categorically state this is not the case. People take our posts very seriously. Since giving people 7 Reasons Not To Date A Polar Bear, no one in the world – that’s all six point three billion of us – has dated a Polar Bear. So people do listen. Later today people will be getting a Pizza Express tattoo. It’s up to you whether you want to be original or you want to go home and watch Eastenders. Choose the latter and you might just regret it.

4. Service. So, having decided to be original, you walk into a Pizza Express with the logo on your arm. You just watch as the staff jump into action. Anyone with a Pizza Express tattoo is free advertising for them. It would be naive and stupid not to treat you as a VIP. They want you to keep that tattoo for life. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself getting free Coca-Cola. And, if you fancy stealing a Peroni glass, do it.**

5. Service (Two). Just say though, you are more a deep-pan kind of person. Pizza Express, with their thin, crusty bases, wouldn’t satisfy the likes of you. You’d be more inclined to go across the road to Pizza Hut. Here you can have your pan deep and your crust stuffed with cheese. And, because the staff will be gutted to see you with a Pizza Express logo, they will go out of their way to treat you like a VIP. They will want to show you want you are missing. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself getting free Pepsi refills. They do that anyway. But do eat as much as you like. Just make sure you haven’t ordered the buffet. That kind of defeats the objective.

6. Mistaken Identity. If I mistakenly thought Jacob the Wolf’s tattoo was the Pizza Express logo, then it is very likely that a lot of teenage girls may mistake you for a wolf. So, if you like the idea of dozens of teenage girls yanking your tail, get a Pizza Express tattoo.

7. Reminder. Ironically, when you see the Pizza Express tattoo on your arm every day, you won’t think of Pizza Express, you’ll think of those idiots at 7 Reasons. The next thing you’ll do is log on to our website and read our latest post. No longer will you need to be on twitter or facebook to keep up with us.

*Understandably, there maybe something about Pizza Express that you don’t love. In my case it would be the dough balls. I just don’t see the point in them. In such a case I would have an asterisk placed next to the Pizza Express tattoo on my arm and then have a disclaimer on the lower part of my back to state that my love did not stretch to the dough balls.

**Disclaimer: You MUST have a Pizza Express tattoo to steal a Peroni glass otherwise 7 Reasons can take no responsibility for your actions.

January 25, 2011