Tag: Fashion

Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why People Still Wear Watches When They Have A Phone

Billions of people around the world have a mobile phone or have access to a mobile phone and according to a report from the U.N. 6 of the world’s 7 billion people have access to a mobile phone while only 4.5 million people have access to a toilet. That says a lot about the society we live in.

1. Exercise. People these days are starting to go running more often and the amount of money that it costs these days to buy a phone that will keep a track of your route while you’re out on a run and your pace, it’s a lot of money to just drop it and break it.

That’s why running watches are so popular these days. They’re a fraction of the cost of a smart phone and they do everything that you need whilst out on a run and there’s no worries about dropping it and breaking it, it’s strapped to your watch so it’d have a job!

2. Fashion. These timekeeping devices are somewhat a staple in any fashionista’s ‘diet’ and they’re also an ideal way to sort of round-up and bring together an outfit by adding that finishing touch.

In terms of fashion with watches, it isn’t as much about the fact that you have the time on your wrist as it is that it’s about what the watch signifies.

3. Polite. As we explained in the opening paragraph, there are 6 billion people in the world who own a mobile phone yet, as common as it is to be seen on your phone these days there are still some people out there who are a tad more traditional and can be easily put off by the amount of time people spend on their phone.

You could be out for a nice dinner and chatting away nicely until someone just pulls out their phone and “checks the time” you can probably presume that they’re looking for a way out of the conversation.

For this reason, it’s better, and handier if you have a watch. So if you do just want to “check the time” you just need a flick of the wrist. However, if you do want to get out of the conversation then you always have the back up of your phone!

4. Conserve Battery Life. This has a double-barrelled meaning. Yeah, you’d be saving your phone’s battery life if you just left it in your pocket but you’d also be saving your own battery life.

The biggest thing though is that you’ll waste your phone’s battery life. Also, if you genuinely are just looking at the time on your phone then there’s a chance that someone has tweeted you, emailed you or even Facebook-ed you. Then, that leads to you spending more time on your phone and then wasting more of your battery life.
It’s just easier to have a watch on, like we said previously, it’s just a flick of the wrist if you’ve got a watch.

5. Your Job. There’s a number of different professions out there that probably wouldn’t be ideal for someone to be sat checking the time on their phone so, that’s why it’s great to have a watch. Could you imagine if you went to see a psychologist and they were sat there on their mobile phone.

There’s a number of different professions out there that actually make a massive use of watches, like the medical profession as it’s certainly frowned upon to be talking to your doctor or a nurse and they’re on twitter on their phone. It’s just rude. Sometimes, it’s a good job that watches are still in use.

6. Weatherproof. Depending on where you live will depend on the kind of watch you need. If you’re lucky and you live near a beach then you’re definitely going to be inclined to get a watch to wear. Let’s face it; there’s not many, if any, mobile phones these days which are too compatible with the elements that make up a beach.
The heat can also cause your phone to overheat and malfunction and with the price of smartphones these days, the last thing you want to happen is for your phone to break.

Of course, there’s sand too at the beach which everyone knows can get in all sorts of annoying places! Moving on from the beach, it rains everywhere in the world and if you’re caught out with your phone out, ‘just checking the time’ you could end up regretting not buying a watch!

7. Health Reasons. We all know how ‘Health & Safety’ mad the world has gone and there’s numerous studies out there to show how using your mobile phone for x-number of hours a day or days a week can cause x, y or z problems to you.

None of these things are ever spoken about when it comes to watches. You don’t hear about people getting brain tumours from using their watch too much, or wrist tumours from wearing it too much. So, if you do get a watch, just keep reminding yourself that you’re not doing any damage to yourself by using that instead of a brand new mobile phone.

This article has been provided by the Watch Supermarket team. If you want a brand new watch at a great price then why don’t you check out our range?

August 2, 2013
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Go On Safari

Going on safari should certainly give you plenty to write home about! Here are seven other good reasons to think about booking one.

Photo by prise69

1. Because African Wildlife Is So Much More Interesting Than British Wildlife. Since Sir Ewen of Lochiel slayed the last wolf in Britain in 1680 there has been a distinct lack of interesting animals on British shores. With UK farmers expressing reservations about ideas to re-introduce bears, lynx and wolves to Albion’s countryside, intrepid travellers must go abroad to try and catch glimpses of the beautiful but dangerous wild animals which have roamed the earth since the dawn of mankind.

A glance at television wildlife programmes shows the gulf between the variety and quality of British wildlife compared to that found on an African safari. While shows such as Springwatch concentrates on the nesting progress of chaffinches and Blue Tits, Safari Vet School focusses on lions’, elephants’, rhinos’ and giraffes’ glorious fight for survival.

African wildlife or British wildlife: in terms of variety and exoticism there really is no competition.

2. Safaris Keep You Fit. The TV programme Safari Vet School does paint a slightly distorted picture of how physically taxing an African safari break is – you are unlikely to spend all day chasing lions with tranquilised darts in their body as the young vets did in one episode.

However, a typical safari in Africa will involve lots of healthy activities in the fresh air; walking safaris are particularly popular in this fascinating continent.

And if you want to combine long hikes with relaxing on golden sands then bear in mind that countries like Tanzania offer beach-and-bush holidays.

3. To Brush Up Your Photography Skills. Going on holiday shouldn’t be all about collecting holiday photographs which are more interesting that the ones your friends have displayed on Facebook. But let’s face it, it often is.

Your long-lens photo of a lion staring at you in the Masai Mara is sure to trump those blurred photos of the Eiffel Tower your annoying neighbours have just posted.

4. It’s A Good Excuse To Wear Great Fashions. Safari styles never seem to go out of fashion. While it’s considered a fashion faux-pas to wear animal print accessories when checking in at a safari lodge, khaki clothing and belted bush jackets look as good on safari as they do on the catwalk.

5. You’ve Seen The Film, Now See The Place. Films like Out of Africa and African Queen have put safari culture on the map and showcased the beauty of the African continent. African Queen, which starred Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn, was filmed in Uganda and the Congo. Out of Africa was shot in Kenya. Any places which are part of Hollywood history must be worth visiting.

6. Because The Royals Love Safaris. The British Royal Family has long been a fan of the safari experience. Queen Elizabeth II was staying in a Kenyan treetop safari lodge when she learned that she was to become Queen and her immediate family have all at one time or another gone on safari to escape the stresses of daily court life. Maybe you’ll see a member of the Royal Household through your binoculars when you’re trying to catch a glimpse of wildlife in Africa.

7. To Emulate David Attenborough And Wildlife Cameramen. Just how do cameramen capture extraordinary footage of Big Game in the wild? And why do camera operators never shout out a helpful warning to a creature if it’s being stalked by a predator?

You might well have a better understanding of the qualities needed by cameramen if you go on an African safari. Patience and the ability to stay silent are probably two of the main necessary attributes.

If you’ve got these then you’re ideally qualified to get the most from a safari!

Author Bio: James Christie writes for safari specialists Safari Consultants. Contact Safari Consultants to find out more about tailor-made safaris in Africa.

May 13, 2012
7 Reasons Why A Gastric Band Might Be The Answer

There are many reasons why someone may wish to lose weight and many ways in which they could go about it. Today though, we’re looking at just one. We’re delving deep into the world of gastric bands. And, believe it or not, it’s actually quite a trip.

1. Fashion Options. There is so much advice about what you should or shouldn’t wear if you consider yourself a little overweight, that it’s almost impossible to know who to believe. The general consensus appears to be “wear something black with vertical stripes”. Which is great if you like looking like a zebra, but even going with that look seven days a week might be a bit much. So why not take a look at having a gastric band? It’ll add a bit of life to your wardrobe too.

2. Elastic. The unscientific alternative to a gastric band has surely got to be an elastic band. However, while putting the latter around your waist may sound like a cheap alternative, are you really going to trust the stationery cupboard when it comes to helping you with your weight loss ambitions? Hopefully not. For a start, it’s a well known fact that elastic bands never come in the size you need. They’re either far too small that they snap as soon as they are stretched or they’re so big that you have to wrap them round at least thrice before they have any impact. Oh, and then they snap too. You really don’t want elastic bands snapping around your waist. Who knows where they’ll end up?

3. Genes. It’s very easy for the thin brigade to walk down the street, see someone without the perfect body shape and immediately assume it’s because they don’t do any exercise or because they have an unhealthy diet. The reality can be very different. For many it’s a case of genetics. Despite walking miles a day, going to the gym and embracing every soup and lettuce based diet out there, nothing seems to help. Meanwhile, other people live on their takeaway and TV diet to no apparent adverse consequences. It seems incredibly unfair. So talk to someone who understands. Talk to The Hospital Group and find out how they can help you.

4. Medication. It could be that you’re on medication. Or it could be that you have a health condition. Both can cause weight issues making it very difficult for you to keep to a weight you are happy with. It shouldn’t have to be that way and thanks to gastric bands it doesn’t have to be. Not only will they help you control your weight, a gastric band also helps reduce the risk of developing high blood pressure, diabetes and many other obesity related disorders.

5. The Oxygen Deficiency Approach. The quickest way to look thin is to take a deep breath and use your tummy muscles to suck in your stomach. The problem with this approach is that it’s not very conducive to talking. If you really don’t want someone to see that you’re a bit overweight, you’ll have to suck in your stomach, walk up to them, spin around, breathe out, talk, breathe in, spin around and await their response. Which might me something along the lines of, “you know something, you’re weird.” It’s probably not the way you wanted the conversation to go.

6. The ‘Music’. This will probably come as no surprise to you, but rather predictably there is a group called The Gastric Band. It needs to be pointed out right now that The Gastric Band will not help you lose weight. Not unless you want to go for the ‘listen to noise, get a migraine, be very sick’ approach. Something we don’t condone in anyway. Far better would be to save your ears, save your head and save your loved-one making regular trips between your bedside and the bathroom with buckets by getting a gastric band instead.

7. Not So Magic. The gastric band isn’t the only option of course, you could have a gastric balloon inserted into your stomach. It’s a viable alternative, but do beware if you see something that causes knots in your stomach. You might end up fashioning a balloon dog. Or a giraffe. Sure, it’s a good trick to pull off, but rather wasted inside your stomach don’t you think?

October 23, 2011
7 Reasons To Wear Slippers

When you get to about ten years of age you start realising that slippers are for girls and Grandads. It is certainly a view I held for the next seventeen years. However, since moving to Kent last June, my relationship with slippers has begun to change. In my previous abode in Fulham the house was very much slipper free. Living with an Australian all I saw were thongs. (That’s Australian for flip-flop, I wasn’t a pervert). In Kent, though, the ratio of flip-flops to slippers is 1:1. Now, I don’t know why, but the slippers in question – my girlfriend’s slippers – had a habit of calling me. Wherever I looked, there they were. Asking to be worn. It’s the same as biscuits in the jar or cushions on the sofa. They demand to be eaten or jumped on. Respectively, obviously. Not simultaneously. After six months of looking after the slippers in question, I was bought my own pair. I have now worn my own slippers for three months. And far from feeling like an old man, I feel young, hip and warm in the tootsie department. If you are not a slipper wearer, here is why you should be:

1. Grip. As someone who is both active and clumsy, wooden or tiled floors have often been my downfall. Quite literally. I just can’t help but try and slide from one end of the kitchen to the other. While this can be fun, it can also be highly dangerous for both myself and other kitchen based persons. Especially if they are carrying a pan of boiling water. Or an expensive antique plant pot. While slippers will never help superglue the pot back together at least the soles prevent further accidents and weeks without receiving pocket money. An extremely valuable source of income when you want to buy a Game Boy.

2. Socks. The slipping and the sliding may have something to do with it, but the vast majority of my socks have a hole problem. Or, to be more accurate, my holes have a sock problem. I don’t buy cheap and I don’t attack them with scissors, but matter not within weeks a hole is already beginning to form. Or at least they were. Now, with the introduction of slippers to my daily attire, my socks last much longer. Much longer. We’re talking months here, not just days. To give you a more accurate picture, in the three months of 2011 so far there has only been one New Sock Saturday. In years gone by it has been at least two. Slippers means I am wearing 50% less socks each year. And that’s without reverting to my 2006 One Sock A Day project.

3. Warmth. We try not to state the bloody obvious on 7 Reasons for bloody obvious reasons, but on this occasion I feel it is fair game. That’s because I have terrible blood circulation to my extremities. Well, most of them. My toes in particular don’t feel the benefit of any blood. As a result they are always freezing and half the time I forget I have any. Now the last thing you need, especially when you are filling out an important medical form or the census, is to forget you have toes. This can lead to much confusion in the doctors canteen and a £1000 fine. Wear slippers though, and you’ll never forget.

4. Emotion. So far this year two sporting events have caught the imagination of my slippers. The Cricket World Cup and the Six Nations. In both events England have thrilled and appalled in equal measure. It’s during these moments of ecstasy and pain that I find my slippers to be of much use. A wicket or a try to the good and my slippers become the loudest clappers in the land. A wicket or a try to the bad however and they make a pleasing thwack on the table. Or a not so pleasing one on my knee. Either way, worth having a pair to hand.

5. Efficiency. Slippers are comfortable. If they are not you probably have them on the wrong foot. So take them off the unsuspecting slipper wearer and slip into them yourself. In this comfortable and warm environment one can easily begin to feel slightly sleepy. When I put my slippers on I know I am going to be asleep within the hour. On a good day I have more than an hours work to get through which means I have to work like a Chinese production line to get it done. Then, just before I start snoozing, I whip the slippers off and spend the rest of the day writing stuff for 7 Reasons. Obviously I don’t expect you to write for 7 Reasons in your now empty day, but you could do something equally worthwhile. Like see how many Jaffa Cakes you can eat in one minute. The world record is a paltry seven. I’ve managed five. This was in the days before I wore slippers though.

6. Intelligence. I don’t know about you, but I believe in this psychological nonsense. If I am not wearing the right cap I never score runs. If I don’t drink tea with my breakfast I feel thirsty. If I get the letters Z, Q and J when playing Scrabble I never win. Well, in the same light, if I don’t wear my slippers I don’t feel very intelligent. I feel somewhat immature and insecure and other words that begin with ‘i’ that I’d only be able to think of if I was wearing my slippers right now. Which only goes to prove my point.

7. Superiority. I was originally going to publish this post at the start of March, but I wanted to conduct an experiment based on the above. Was I really a better performer with slippers on? Well, the jury is very much still out on this one. What I can tell you, however, is that if I answered the door whilst wearing slippers people were much politer to me and much more in awe of my standing than they were the one time I didn’t. That was the time Gary the builder wondered if I wanted my guttering looked at. When I told him that I was quite capable of looking at it myself he got in a huff. I don’t blame him. That’s slippers for you. Or the lack of anyway.

March 31, 2011
7 Reasons We Should Congratulate Rupert Bear On Reaching Ninety

As I am sure all you bear aficionados are aware, today marks Rupert Bear’s 90th Birthday. Even if you don’t regularly read his adventures in the Daily Express – and let’s be honest, that’s all of us – you should raise a glass in his name. Or, at the very least, don’t go on about how much you love Paddington Bear. It’s called respect.

1. Loyalty. In case you are wondering why I mentioned the Daily Express above, it’s because Rupert was created for the paper in 1920. The aim? To increase sales. Did it work? Wikipedia doesn’t say. And I can’t be bothered to do that much research. What I did research though is that Rupert has outlasted nineteen Daily Express editors. Nineteen! That’s quite a lot. On any other day it I’d have rounded it up to 20. But that’s nineteen different people who have given up on the paper. Rupert hasn’t given up once. He’s there, everyday, trying to increase sales. And that has to be applauded. Even if it is the Daily Express.

2. Fashion. Sadly for the world, I wasn’t around in 1920, but I would be very surprised if Rupert’s choice of attire matched the fashion of the day. A red jumper, white shoes and matching yellow-checked trousers and scarf? It’s unlikely, isn’t it? But that’s just one reason why Rupert should be celebrated. He was a bit of a maverick. He was a trend-setter. Whether the trend comes to fruition in my lifetime, who knows, but one day, everyone will be dressing like Rupert.

3. Respect. Rupert has and continues to spend many-a-day in the presence of his friends. The trusty and originally named Bill Badger. The stodgy Podgy Pig. The delectable Edward Trunk*. And my personal favourites, Ming The Dragon and Pong-Ping The Pekingese. And yet, despite chewing the fat with them for the best part of century, not once has Rupert ever uttered the immortal line, ‘Have you ever heard of deed-poll?’

4. Role Model. While Rupert’s main rivals for our affections have tragic and cliched characteristics, Rupert was the real deal. Take Winnie The Pooh for instance. Ignoring the fact that he looks cuddly, what have you got? A honey-monster who has a habit of forgetting to wear trousers. Hardly inspiring. And then we have Paddington Bear. An immigrant from Peru whose idea of helping the economy is to create a marmalade deficit. Not the role models our children need. Rupert on the other hand is everything a bear should be. Clever, loyal, adventurous and trousered.

5. Paul McCartney. Rupert remains the only bear ever to have inspired a Beatle. Paul McCartney – Rupert And The Frog Song.**

6. He Defied Hitler. Not even a war could stop Rupert. And I am not talking about a silly, little war. I am talking about World War II. Despite the fact that there was a severe paper shortage – we needed it for planes – Rupert still got an annual out and onto the shelves every year throughout the conflict. Along with Churchill sticking two fingers up, Rupert getting his annual out epitomised Britain’s approach to the war. We were never going to be beaten. And we were going to read tales of a bear going on an underwater mission in the process.

7. Alternatives. Look, it’s only right that you should celebrate one 90th Anniversary in 2010 and if you’re not going to choose Rupert to congratulate then it’s going to have to be the Bangor Operatic Society. Make the right decision.

*Edward Trunk was an elephant. Clever.

**This might cause nightmares. Or daymares. Just don’t smash your computer. You’ll regret it tomorrow.

November 8, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Men Prefer Women Without Make-up

January seems a long time ago now, but if you can remember that far back, you may recall Emily Clifford writing one of the very first guest posts for us. It was about men and women and why they shouldn’t converse with each other. It proved ridiculously popular. Especially with women. So, back on the 7 Reasons sofa by popular demand, is Emily. And she’s writing about men and women again. If you like what you’re about to read you may be interested to know that Emily is a fashion journalist based in Sydney. She writes for a vast array of magazines and newspapers including Vanity Fair, Vogue, Glamour and Cosmopolitan. She also likes writing for us. Apparently. Right, less of me, more of Emily. Who, incidentally, you can follow on twitter.

Despite what you may have heard, a journalist’s job is never easy. Sadly for us literary types, it’s not just a case of writing an article and picking up the cheque. Unless you can call yourself ‘famous’ of course, which, let’s be honest most of us can’t. For the rest of us, magazines have to be targeted, editors need to be wooed and research has to be compiled before us writers can actually do what we want to do; write. Sometimes you do all the hardwork and present the final draft only for the editor to change their mind. It’s standard fare in this industry and you get used to it. Recently I wrote a piece on the male attitude towards women and their facial shield, make-up. Despite being pleased with it myself, the editor wasn’t and so the article was killed. When an article is killed you retain the copyright and so can sell it to others. Like 7 Reasons! Except they haven’t paid me and instead given me some false hope of one day receiving a badge. Yeah right! The article was ripped apart especially for 7 Reasons so the original catchy title The Foundation Of The Relationship has now been changed to 7 Reasons Men Prefer Women Without Make-up. Hope you enjoy it.

1. The Natural Look. Research for the article showed that a staggering 75% of men preferred women without make-up. I mean none at all. Not even a little eye shadow. I don’t know about you girls, but the thought of leaving the house looking like an old sock I’ve just found down the back of the sofa terrifies the life out of me. The problem is, men really wish it would terrify the mascara out of you. They just don’t like you covering yourself up. This comes down to the fact that men are far less likely to notice imperfections than women. Ever wondered how your man can put a DVD in the player and not even raise an eyebrow at the amount of dust adorning it? Firstly it’s because he’s a man and so doesn’t see it, but more importantly it’s because he is looking at the bigger picture. What’s the film going to be like? That’s the main attraction here. Not whether the player is covered in dust or not. Women on the other hand amplify it. By as much as ten-fold. They’d sit through the film worrying about whether you noticed all the dust and are now still interested in them. Does this guy think you’re untidy? It’s a strange comparison, but it’s how we think. You wear make-up to make your face look more beautiful, believe it or not, he won’t notice.

2. The Tick-Tock Effect . If you want to go out with me menfolk, you need to get something straight. If we are going out for the evening, I need at least an hour to get ready. And I’m not alone. The average length of time for a 30 year-old woman to get ready for an evening on the tiles is 73 minutes. That might not even seem that long to you. Unless you’re a man. In which case it sounds like an eternity. A typical 30 year-old man takes an average of just 25 minutes to get ready. And even then I think that is a high figure. I’ve known men to take 30 seconds. And, no, I’m not with them anymore. Of the 73 minutes a women takes to get ready, 22 are spent on the make-up. That’s 22 minutes he is pacing around the lounge, scratching, complaining and thinking about opening another beer.

3. The Question Time. Asking men questions about your appearance is a completely pointless exercise. And in many cases is actually divisive. Yet we all do it. I am forever asking my fiance if I look good. I don’t know why. I know his answer will be, ‘Yes, you look lovely’ or some equally unimaginative and predictable answer. I actually long for the day when he says, ‘Are you fucking serious? You look like you’ve just come back from the mad-hatters tea party!’ But he won’t, because he’s a man. And men are programmed to say what they think you want to hear. And the most frustrating thing for men is that they know you know that they are just saying it because it’s what they think it’s what you want to hear. That’s why they’d love it if you just forgot all about the make-up for night so he only has to answer the questions about your dress.

4. The Logic Lack. Men, to give them their dues, are quite logical. Us women though, are about as logical as a chocolate tea-pot. Men see chocolate tea-pots as things that would melt when boiled water applied to them, we see chocolate tea-pots as chocolate. When we ladies were younger we wore make-up to make us look older. Now we are wearing it to make us look younger. To us, that is logic. To men, that is illogical, ‘why try and be something you are not?’

5. The Shopping Trip. Wearing make-up means buying make-up. Buying make-up means shopping for make-up. Shopping for make-up means testing make-up. For a man who wouldn’t notice whether you had blusher on or not, this is a form of torture. No wonder 22% of all arguments between couples happen when they are shopping.

6. The Removal Effect. If a woman wears a lot of make-up, a lot of the time, the sight of her without can do strange things to a man. Sweating; screaming; running out of the house. The silly thing is, you probably don’t even look unattractive. Just very different. And change scares men. It’s why they won’t let you change your hair or get a breast enlargement or sleep with Johnny Depp.

7. The Affection Factor. Even the most ardent of feminists wouldn’t deny that they like a bit of affection from their man. I, and I wouldn’t describe myself using the aforementioned term, love a kiss on the forehead, cheek and, of course, lips and when I’m not getting any I complain to my man. He is very keen to remind me that this morning he kissed me goodbye and I complained that he could have smudged my make-up. And he’s right, I did. That’s why men prefer you without make-up, because they know where they stand.

October 9, 2010
7 Reasons Marc Is Wrong About The Nautical Look

Yesterday, Marc wrote a post called, 7 Reasons That The Nautical Look Is Objectionable. I read it aghast. How could someone so intelligent be so wrong? Today, I aim to put right his wrongs.

1. Saturation Point. Too much of a thing is never good – which is why I’m editing this with a hangover – and the nautical look is everywhere. It’s finally reached saturation point and now it seems that almost every woman in the UK is dressed as a sailor. Now, there’s nothing wrong with women dressing as sailors, or anything else that takes their fancy, but that doesn’t mean that every woman should dress as one. Wouldn’t it be nice to see some of them dressing in outfits without horizontal stripes and rope motifs? Perhaps as spacewomen or conquistadors. Or Minnie Mouse. Or just as themselves. Our high streets look like a production of HMS Pinafore at the moment. What Marc seems to be forgetting here is why nearly every woman in the UK is dressing as a sailor. It’s fairly simple. This is the UK. We are a sea-faring nation. It’s in our blood. So when Marc asks why aren’t women dressing as Minnie Mouse or conquistadors, it’s because British women have no emotional attachment to these themes. And because they’d look stupid.

2. Confusion. It’s confusing. Sailors are sailors: we can tell that by their uniforms and their weatherbeaten faces. Women are women: we can tell that because they smell nice and have soft hands. But the nautical look blurs the issue somewhat. No, it doesn’t. Nor is it confusing. It might be confusing to Marc, but that is because he doesn’t have the required imagination. I see nothing wrong with this overlap. In fact I see a very positive outcome. The classic ‘woman dressed as a sailor’ fantasy. Allow me to demonstrate using science…or maths (It’s definitely one of those things).

A Venn diagram illustrating the 'woman dressed as sailor' fantasy.

3. Anchor. When choosing an outfit with a decorative motif, is it really wise to choose one that rhymes with wanker? Yes, it is. Much more wise than to have a decorative motif of – and I do apologise in advance for saying this – a punt.

4. The Next Step. Many women are currently dressing as sailors, but what if this fad takes a slight twist? What if sailors start dressing as women? A fair point you would think. Unfortunately, Marc has this the wrong way round. It’s the fact that sailors originally started dressing as women – in the 1800’s when men were on ships together for months and months on end – that has made the women adopt the nautical theme for themselves.

5. Weather. Now I’m sure the nautical look would look fine and dandy when worn on the back of a motor-yacht moored in Porta Banus or Cannes. But it isn’t. It’s being worn in Manchester, where it rains all summer. The last time I checked, rain was wet. And it formed puddles. The sea is wet and is one big puddle. Wet weather, therefore, would seem to be perfect for the nautical look.

6. Do It Properly. The nautical look is being done in a half-hearted manner. Wearing a stripy top under a blue jacket is lame. If you want to do the nautical look well, wear a tricorn hat, an eye-patch, a peg-leg, a hand-hook; carry a parrot around. Wear vast epaulettes dripping with gold braid and the full cuff insignia of an Admiral; accessorise your outfit with a telescope or a sextant. Ditch your umbrella in favour of a Sowester hat, oilskins and a life-jacket. Grow a beard. This isn’t really doing it properly. This is dressing like a pirate. Marc wants you to drop your nauticals in favour of his pirate vision. Don’t do it.

7. Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton’s a big fan of the nautical look. Paris Hilton’s also an idiot. Do you really want to dress like an idiot? I use Paris Hilton as a general guide to life. You can too. Whoever you are, whatever you’re about to do, ask yourself the question: Would Paris Hilton do this? If the answer is yes, don’t do it. Okay, he’s not totally wrong here. Marc is right on one aspect. Paris Hilton is an idiot. But actually, if we are honest with ourselves, we are also a little bit jealous. Paris Hilton is a millionairess – in her own right – for doing pretty much nothing with no talent. I like that idea. I like the idea of becoming a millionairess for doing pretty much nothing, with no talent. And, if adopting the nautical look is part of the ‘doing nothing’ masterplan, then I’m in. And I’m not even a woman.

June 8, 2010
7 Reasons That The Nautical Look Is Objectionable

1. Saturation Point. Too much of a thing is never good – which is why I’m editing this with a hangover – and the nautical look is everywhere. It’s finally reached saturation point and now it seems that almost every woman in the UK is dressed as a sailor.  Now, there’s nothing wrong with women dressing as sailors, or anything else that takes their fancy, but that doesn’t mean that every woman should dress as one.  Wouldn’t it be nice to see some of them dressing in outfits without horizontal stripes and rope motifs? Perhaps as spacewomen or conquistadors. Or Minnie Mouse. Or just as themselves. Our high streets look like a production of HMS Pinafore at the moment.

2. Confusion. It’s confusing. Sailors are sailors: we can tell that by their uniforms and their weatherbeaten faces. Women are women: we can tell that because they smell nice and have soft hands. But the nautical look blurs the issue somewhat. Allow me to demonstrate using science…or maths (It’s definitely one of those things).

A Venn diagram which illustrates the inherent confusion caused by the nautical look.

3. Anchor. When choosing an outfit with a decorative motif, is it really wise to choose one that rhymes with wanker? No, it isn’t. Because people will take the piss.  Not having an anchor on your breast pocket insulates you from jibes and cruel humour. The same goes for not having a ship on your handbag.

4. The Next Step. Many women are currently dressing as sailors, but what if this fad takes a slight twist? What if sailors start dressing as women?  It’s confusing enough already, do we really need that?

5. Weather. Now I’m sure the nautical look would look fine and dandy when worn on the back of a motor-yacht moored in Porta Banus or Cannes. But it isn’t. It’s being worn in Manchester, where it rains all summer. And, unlike real sailors, people are wearing stuff that isn’t waterproof. I saw people attired in faux-nautical gear sheltering from rain in a bus shelter yesterday. They looked foolish.

6. Do It Properly. The nautical look is being done in a half-hearted manner. Wearing a stripy top under a blue jacket is lame. If you want to do the nautical look well, wear a tricorn hat, an eye-patch, a peg-leg, a hand-hook; carry a parrot around. Wear vast epaulettes dripping with gold braid and the full cuff insignia of an Admiral; accessorise your outfit with a telescope or a sextant. Ditch your umbrella in favour of a Sowester hat, oilskins and a life-jacket. Grow a beard. This woman demonstrates how to pull off the nautical look properly.

Or you could do what this man did and dress up as a mermaid before sinking without trace. That’s true dedication to the nautical look.

7. Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton’s a big fan of the nautical look. Paris Hilton’s also an idiot. Do you really want to dress like an idiot? I use Paris Hilton as a general guide to life. You can too. Whoever you are, whatever you’re about to do, ask yourself the question: Would Paris Hilton do this? If the answer is yes, don’t do it.

What an anchor.

June 7, 2010
7 Reasons To Wear Socks With Sandals

1. Keep Your Feet Clean. A fairly obvious one, but assuming you aren’t walking about in your bath, your feet are going to get dirty if not covered by sock fabric. Dirty feet mean dirty sandals. Dirty sandals mean a dirty mind. Not always a good thing.

2. You Want To Be Left Alone. If you need some me time – and by that I don’t mean Jonathan Lee time (although I am flattered) – socks and sandals is the way to go. It’s even better than buying a shed and locking yourself in it. Have you ever seen a woman holding the hand of a man in socks and sandals? Have you ever seen children shout ‘Daddy’ to a man in socks and sandals? Have you ever seen a chugger approach a man in socks and sandals? The answer to all these questions is no. That’s the difference a sock can make.

3. You’re Wearing Speedos. And possibly a handkerchief on your head. If you are wearing Speedos and a handkerchief on your head, the only thing that is going to make people look below your knees are socks with sandals. Unless you are actually wearing Speedos on your head, in which case you should remove one sock and position it elsewhere. Immediately. Which come to think of it is another reason for wearing socks in the first place.

4. They’re Not Your Socks. It is a sad indictment of today’s beach holiday, but people do steal socks. You maybe one of the sad indictments. If you are, then firstly, shame on you. Secondly, let me give you a tip. Putting the socks on – beneath your sandals – and it will make it look like you own them. No one is going to accuse you of sock stealing if you are wearing them. Or going through the wallet you also picked up.

5. Hide Your Feet From Podophobes. Podophobes are people with a fear of feet – and I assume iPods, pea pods, podcasts and anything that comes out from underneath Thunderbird 2. People who have a fear of things usually react in one of two ways. The first is that they run away screaming. The second is that they attack. The problem is you have two feet. One may make the podophobe run away, the other may make them massacre it. Really you want it one way or the other. Hopping is very tiring.

6. Avoid Pedicurists. Pedicurists are those strange people who like holding other people’s feet between their thighs. You can never spot them though. They hide too well. Usually as normal human beings. However, come the summer and they are attracted to uncovered feet like moths to the flame. Go out without your socks and you’ll be defending the state of your feet all day. (And why you thought violet was a good nail polish colour).

7. You Have Reached Old Age. As soon as you get to this age, wearing socks and sandals becomes acceptable. I am not sure what this age is – probably because I haven’t reached it yet – but you’ll know because it’ll arrive at the same time as you feel the need to have the heating on all year round and decide that £2.50 is still enough for your grandchild to buy an Easter Egg.*

*I do love my Grandparents, but seriously. I can’t even buy two Kinder Eggs for that.

April 20, 2010
7 Reasons You Don’t Feel Like a Real Man

Society has a very rigid idea of what constitutes masculinity. Often, our definitions of what is masculine are rooted in the conventions and gender roles of the past, something which makes them unachievable ideals rather than anything tangible, or real, to aspire too. Despite knowing this though, sometimes you feel that you don’t quite measure up. Here are seven reasons that you don’t feel like a real man.

1. You use moisturiser. Using moisturiser doesn’t feel manly. It’s very good at keeping your skin soft and preventing the premature aging of the skin, but it’s not manly. I once moisturised my face, exited the bathroom (which my wife then entered) and tried to open the bedroom door. I couldn’t, as my hands were slick from the moisturiser and I couldn’t grip the doorknob. I was trapped outside the bedroom for five minutes. “This never happened to the captain of the Titanic”, I remember thinking, as I waited for my wife to rescue me. Real men don’t use moisturiser.

2. Facial hair. Real men – Victorian men – sported impressive and elaborate facial hair. Who, apart from Daniel Day-Lewis and Sebastien Chabal, can even grow such magnificent face furniture today? Certainly no one at this website – the best we can manage are a sparse ginger moustache and a slightly less sparse – but still bloody ginger – beard. Modern men also trim their facial hair too much. Real men have natural and wild facial hair – not prissy, neat goatees (and you should never, ever trust a man with a neat beard. Noel Edmonds has a neat beard). Real men do not have neat beards. Real men have substantial, flowing beards that are the same colour as their head-hair. Real men probably don’t even have scissors. In fact, real men probably eat scissors.

3. Coffee. Coffee is an amazing beverage and real men drink it. What real men don’t do, however, is go into Starbucks and order a venti soy-hazelnut-vanilla-cinnamon-white-mocha-choca-latte with caramel and an extra shot of espresso. Real men drink their coffee black, from tin mugs around a fire – or some sort of black-lead-coal-stove-thing with flames and a chimney – and the stronger and viler tasting the coffee is, the better. Also, real men don’t drink their coffee from cups – even if that is the only receptacle that fits into their espresso maker properly – and they don’t have a muffin with it. Not blueberry; not zucchini-walnut. Real men have no muffin.

4. Pain. Real men shrug off pain. Pain isn’t good – it’s er…well…painful – and it can be undignified. It especially hurts when you’re plucking the middle of your eyebrow to pluralise it. That sort of pain is reasonably manageable though. Real pain, however, can only dealt with by real men. I injured my knee last year (in a very manly way – up a mountain). The next day, when I woke up, it really hurt. As I climbed out of bed and put weight on it I suddenly – and quite unexpectedly – shrieked “I yi yi yi yi”, in the manner of Carmen Miranda. Real men don’t react that way to pain; Sir Ranulph Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes chopped his own fingers off with a fretsaw in his shed to save himself a six-thousand pound surgeons bill. I bet he didn’t shriek “I yi yi yi yi” like Carmen Miranda – or like anyone else. Never mind exhorting men complaining of pain to “man-up”, they should be told to Fiennes-up (I’m really hoping that will catch on).

5. Décor. You actually care about what the inside of your own home looks like and have an opinion about it too. You have even bought Laura Ashley toile-patterned sheets in both red and blue, because they look nice. Do real men care about soft-furnishings? Did Douglas Bader rearrange the cushions on his sofa and extinguish the scented candles before going off to beat the Germans without his legs? No he bloody didn’t. Real men don’t spend their time cocking about with flock-wallpaper and vases. Nor do they have a set of Le Creuset pans. Real men don’t even need legs.

6. Pets. Real men have real pets – parrots, cats or reasonably-sized dogs. What they don’t have are little dogs that you can put in a bag or rodents, budgies, rabbits, guinea pigs, chinchillas, snakes or fish. They certainly don’t have fish. You can tell a real man by the way he interacts with his pet. No real man names his pet Fluffykins or Pookles. Real men give their pets sensible names. Real men also address their pets properly, rather than clicking at them or making baby-noises. They address them as if they were a visiting chum:

“So Mr Prendegast, the sun has just passed the yard-arm, what would you say to a spot of brandy? What’s that Mr Prendegast? You’re a cat and you don’t drink brandy? Oh I see. Would you settle for some biscuits and a rub under the chin? I’m glad. There’s a good chap.”

That’s how a real man talks to a pet – like an equal. Real men don’t address pets as if they were idiots, or children. They don’t dress them up in clothes or put them in bags. The only time a real man carries a pet is when he wants to put it outside so that it can chase something. He certainly doesn’t give his pet chocolate-drops or a hug. Or give anyone a hug, for that matter.

7. You are a woman. Women don’t feel like real men. They don’t even feel like pretend men. They feel warm and soft. They sound like this:

March 17, 2010