Tag: Family

Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Love The British Monarchy

As the catalyst for much social discussion, the subject of countless headlines and even the inspiration behind many protests, it’s difficult to argue that the Royal Family aren’t a conversation starter. Despite dividing the opinions of the public on occasion, there are seven very special reasons why you can’t help but love the British monarchy.

1. Without the Royals, there would be no Pippa. In April 2011, the world was caught up in a whirlwind of fairy tale romance, bunting and street parties – it was time for the much-anticipated Royal wedding. Whether you loved it or loathed it, the inescapable pomp presented something to the general public other than misty-eyed monarchs; Pippa Middleton’s posterior. The bridesmaid’s bottom quickly gathered a following of over 225,000 fan on Facebook, and suddenly gave the Great British public a renewed interest in the Royals.

2. Banking on a bank holiday. Each time that we are faced with an up and coming event involving the monarchy, almost all of us ask ourselves the same question; will we get an extra bank holiday out of this? Some of us may even and plan our much awaited long weekends around the schedules of the Royal Family. Whether it’s a jubilee or a wedding, you’re likely to find that every Brit can discard their stiff upper lip regarding the Royals in lieu of an extra day away from their desk.

3. Rock star royalty. You might not expect a member of the monarchy to be prancing around a Las Vegas pool table crudely cupping their privates in a farcical attempt at modesty, but luckily for us that’s when it’s Prince Harry’s time to shine. Providing a little comic relief to the stiff regiment that is the Royal Family, Harry’s antics have ranged from poorly advised and politically incorrect fancy dress costumes to reported recreational drug use. Living a lifestyle that even the most well-seasoned rock star would shy away from makes the Royals seem a little more human; after all, wouldn’t we all do the same if we were born into a world of fame and fortune?

4. Bringing Britain the bacon. It’s difficult to walk a few yards in London without being confronted with an array of keyrings, coffee mugs and keepsakes emblazed with the faces of the Royal family. The monarchy attracts attention from people all over the world which in turn increases the amount of revenue generated by tourism each year. The year ending March 2013 saw overseas tourists spend £19 billion in the UK, and the monarchy is a contributing factor to this staggering figure. As one of the few remaining countries to still uphold a monarchy, we have to be grateful. After all, hoards of cash-burning visitors wouldn’t stand in the howling wind and drizzle for just anybody!

5. Prince Phillips’s classic clangers. Long before Prince Harry, Prince Phillip was dropping countless clangers during his duties, some of which were so outrageous they verged on the unbelievable. For example, just earlier this year during a trip to Luton and Dunstable University Hospital, the Prince remarked to a Filipino nurse “the Philippines must be half empty – you’re all here running the NHS”. Other toe-curling off the cuff comments include telling a robed president of Nigeria “you look like you’re ready for bed”. Even at 91, Phillip’s wit shows no sign of waning, so there may still be more mortifying moments to come.

6. Make way for the Magna Carta. If you think that Prince Harry’s partying and collection of pretty young things was going mad with power, you haven’t seen anything yet. King Henry I implemented a levy known as “scutage” that was payable by knights who wished to exempt themselves from their fighting duties during his rule in 1100. However, the King soon saw the potential to make a pretty penny from this tax, and increased the fee by 300%. It is said that this outbreak of craziness later inspired the creation of the Magna Carta to carefully control the powers of the ruling monarch.

7. Britain comes together. We may not know the words to the national anthem or be able to name each and every member, but the Royal Family does bring a certain level of unity to the UK. For example, when it was announced that Kate Middleton had gone into labour to give birth to Prince George Alexander Louis, over 6 million comments mentioning the imminent arrival were posted on Twitter within a 48 hour period. Along with a cup of tea and a buttered crumpet, the monarchy represents something that is quintessentially British that we can all share, whether we’re waving flags or just wishing it would all quieten down.

Author bio: Rosie Percy is a freelance writer who explores a diverse variety of lifestyle and human interest topics. She has previously written for the Guardian and a host of sites across the web, sharing her insights via blogs. Rosie currently lives in Brighton and spends her spare time seeing friends and strolling along the seafront.

July 26, 2013
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Go On A UK Family Holiday

Everyone loves a good old British family holiday. I have many happy memories of days wasting my pocket money in arcades (apart from one traumatic moment when I dropped my pound coin straight through a gap in the pier, much to my sister’s amusement) and chasing AWOL camping equipment around windy Devonshire camp sites. In all seriousness, there are some fantastic family holidays in the UK, and hotels which provide real luxury and entertainment for both adults and children. With that in mind, here are 7 good reasons to holiday in Britain this year.

1. Your children probably won’t get eaten by a shark. You will be relieved to know that very few people have been eaten by sharks in British waters.

2. You can legitimately moan about the weather. It’s nice to moan about the heat when you’re abroad, but it’s always tinged with guilt because you’ve been moaning about the rain all year at home. Holidaying in the UK means you can start to complain about the weather as soon as you know you’ll be in Britain all summer and continue to complain about it when you’re back, knowing you’ll receive sympathy from fellow suffering Brits.

3. You can buy a normal sized loaf of bread. There is often a distinct lack of average sliced bread in Europe outside of the UK. I enjoy a baguette as much as the next person, but sometimes you feel as though you need to give your mouth a rest from the crust aerobics (a potential hit on Dragons’ Den?) it has endured.

4. You don’t have to learn another language. Unless you’re going to Somerset, in which case you might need a translator in some circumstances.

5. You don’t have to change your money. The customary trip to the Post Office is probably one of my least favourite parts of preparing to travel abroad. You suddenly have to start worrying about exchange rates and markets and buying and selling. Consequently I usually end up taking five times what I need in Euros, worrying the whole holiday that it will be stolen from my bag, and then forgetting to convert the rest of it back when I’m home.

6. It can be nice. We Brits get a fair bit of flack about our excessive drinking, repressed (or too under-repressed) sexuality, and unhealthy desire to start up a queue wherever possible. But I’m going to stick up for us here. We are lucky to live on a beautiful island with a long and varied history and probably the coolest capital city in the world. Tourists flock here because there’s loads to see; maybe we should be making the most of it too.

7. It’s not far to get home. By the time you all want to murder each other at the end (just my family?), at least you know it’s not going to involve a 4 hour wait for a delayed plane while your dad dances with a Turkish belly dancer in the airport shop (definitely just my family).

Katherine likes to a get a feel for the history of the places she visits, and seeks out the bits which reveal something about the culture in different areas of the globe. She has travelled in four different continents and is looking forward to exploring the rest.

August 26, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Never Go Camping In Australia

Surprisingly (to me) it seems camping is one of the most popular ways for tourists around England and the world to stay down under. While many might argue the way you choose to holiday is purely personal preference, this article explains why choosing hotels over camping for your Australian trip is the right preference to have.

1. You sleep on the floor. “That was the best sleep I’ve ever had!” said someone on a camping trip, never. Sure, slumming it in your Mickey Mouse sleeping bag in your friends’ living room was cool when you were a kid, but can we really trust the memory of someone who had just graduated from eating worms and tying their shoelaces? Even for more advanced campers who come equipped with air mattresses or fold out stretchers; you know what’s easier than that? Pre-made hotel beds with amazingly crisp fresh sheets!

2. Communal showers. Need I say more? I suppose if you prefer neighbouring shower buddies, whose shampoo water creeps under the wall onto your side, and a long walk back to your campsite where your feet get dirtier than they were before it isn’t so bad. And for those people really going all out and camping in the outback, I hope you don’t expect to hug your loved ones when you return home.

3. No nice surprises left on your pillow. And if there is, it’s probably not ‘nice’ and it’s probably not advisable to touch it.

4. Not necessarily cheaper. A big reason people choose to spend hours pitching tents and waking up with sore backs is because they think they will save money. A word of caution for those who have never experienced the Australian outback before; it’s not just your expensive bedding, tent, cooking utensils and equipment and extensive toiletries that you will need. Make sure you pack bug spray, sunblock, first aid supplies for preliminary application to spider and snake bites, a suitable hat, boots and weather gear, amongst other items. Alternatively, hotels do have a fool proof way to combat all of these things; walls. And they are usually* included in the cost of your bill!

5. Not necessarily more eco-friendly. It’s the justification many make as they drive their stakes into the earth and dig a hole deemed their bathroom for the week. OK, so maybe skipping on a few days of electricity and running water will do the environment some good, but most modern accommodation is fairly aware and active in reducing their carbon foot. Between recycling bins and electricity-activated key cards, you’ll still get that feel-good kick without having to sleep in the wild.

6. It’s not ‘Australian’. Contrary to popular belief, camping down under is not the “Aussie” way to visit. You know who invented that myth? Australians. So they could laugh at tourists from their comfortable air-conditioned hotel rooms. It’s up there with lies such as “everyone rides around on kangaroos” – sorry if that ruined it for anyone. It’s a little known secret, but you can actually do all the best touristy things the biggest island in the world has to offer, and have a comfortable sleep every night.

7. You have friends and family who love you very much. They don’t want to see you suffer. And if they do, they’ll send you on a camping trip.

*Always

Written by Melinda Jennings on behalf of Punthill.

July 21, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why We Love To Celebrate

There are celebrations for almost everything these days – celebrations for the birth of Christ, celebrations for the death of Christ, for the resurrection of Christ, for the Holy Commemoration of the First Tooth lost by Christ. All the partying can leave you worn out, but the strange things is that we always want more; celebrating never seems to get old. So why do we love to celebrate so much?

1. So what? I’m celebrating! We love celebrations because they are a great excuse for doing things in excess. Celebrations are a time to lose yourself in over indulgence. Over the Christmas period, we celebrate so much that we actually expect to put weight on through sheer greed. But so what if you’re on your third bottle of wine or you fifth cheese cake? You’re celebrating, and that’s sound reasoning that no one can argue with.

2. Sorry boss, I was celebrating. If you’ve had a big celebration the next day can be a bit of an effort, especially if you have to go into work. However, it would take a truly stone hearted boss not to be understanding if you were to phone up and explain that the reason you can’t make it in to work today is because you got absolutely smashed at a wicked celebration last night and you are really hungover and probably still quite hammered now. You’ll probably even be able to claim it under sick leave.

3. Yeah come on over, we’re having a celebration! You might not see your friends and family much over the course year, but when a celebration comes around it’s always a great excuse to get everyone together. Even the people who no one likes get invited, like old auntie Susan who sucks the chocolate off chocolate covered peanuts and then puts them back in the bowl, because it just wouldn’t be a proper celebration without her sickening antics.

4. Because the government tell us to. In reality, celebrating is not something that we’re born to enjoy, it’s not a hard wired trait, but we grow to like it through covert conditioning by the government. The government shove celebrations down our throats until we celebrate so much that we celebrate when there isn’t even anything to celebrate, like with the Diamond Jubilee. They do it because they see it as an easy way to boost the economy through the sale of party hats and meringue.

5. I love you, man! When you’re high on celebrating, certain things become acceptable, including telling complete strangers how much you appreciate them. In the midst of a celebration, handing out personalised birthday cards with the words “I love you” to people you don’t even know when it is even their birthday doesn’t seem weird. It only becomes creepy the day after.

6. For purveyors of bad music. One of the major reasons for the continued success of celebrations is that it keeps the age old industry of bad music churning on. Where would the performers of The Time Warp, Oops Upside Your Head and Fast Food Song be without the millions of royalties they get from their songs being played at celebrations? In a retirement home, picking bits of food out of their beards is where.

7. To liven up funerals. Funerals can be quite solemn and formal events, some may even argue dull, especially if you weren’t particularly well acquainted with the departed. However, the thing that makes them worthwhile, and the reason that most people go to them, is the brilliant laugh that you can have at the celebration that follows. The finger buffet is always well stocked, and, in general, it’s a free bar.

July 21, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why A Fridge Freezer Is Your Best Friend

When life gets too tough we all do it, we all turn to that one shiny square symbol of comfort, yes you got it in one, the fridge freezer combo. I understand that the fridge-freezer is so much more than an appliance; it shelters your beer, hides the children’s treats and offers you a place to stash your ready meals from the Mrs (who happens to think you have managed to learn how to cook whilst she is at yoga). These are the 7 reasons why your Fridge Freezer is your best friend…

1. Fridge-freezer is the most practical invention on the planet. Think about it guys; where would we be without the fridge-freezer combo? Well I will tell you, we wouldn’t be that far behind damn dirty apes. The sheer practicality and advancements in technology part us from an archaic existence and through the pure genius of combining both the fridge and freezer (someone needs a pat on the back for that) we are able to store more and more food. We are basically like advanced technological squirrels.

2. Making your mates jealous. Having the best fridge-freezer is guaranteed to make your mates envious, they won’t let you see this jealous streak but be warned they are secretly judging you on the size of your new appliance. But hey, relax, ask them if they want a drink; then see if they want ice with that, obviously from your amazing new built in fridge ice dispenser.

3. Had a bad day? Your fridge-freezer is there for you. So the kids insist on kicking you in the leg and drawing on the newly decorated walls. After 4 hours of trying to bribe reason with them they have finally surrendered and fallen asleep. You still have a mountain of paper work to go through (don’t forget to wipe down the walls too). Threat no more the fridge is here for you grab an ice cold beer and some ice-cream before the wife emerges from the bath. The fridge-freezer demands that you have some “you time”.

4. Think of your beers and ready meals, they deserve a good home. Let’s face it (despite what your wife thinks) you rely on the odd ready meal to feed yourself and the kids on the nights she insists she needs to work anyway. Think about it; with a bigger, more efficient, fridge-freezer you can hide such meals better plus nobody will find that extra 4 pack of cans behind the salad draw.

5. It can protect you from nuclear explosions. If there is one thing that we all learned from the brilliant – and in no way a disgrace to the adventure genre – movie, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, it’s that climbing into your fridge will leave you unscathed and ready to embrace the aftermath of a nuclear holocaust. It’s in a movie, so it has to be 100% scientifically accurate. Nice one, Mr Fridge.

6. Man Drawer: fridge style. Here’s some food for thought if you’re diplomatic and extra complimentary to your other half maybe she will give you the huge privilege of having a man drawer: fridge style? Yeah just imagine a man drawer in your freaking fridge, your own refrigerated cubby hole to store all of your special treats. Let’s cut to the chase; it would basically be the ‘beer and meat’ drawer, with rules stipulating that all salads and low fat yoghurts be banished.

7. The fridge-freezer is the heart of any family home. No matter how you dress it, the fridge- freezer combo is an industrial giver of family happiness and joyous memories. Without it, chances are you would have died from food poisoning, starvation, heartbreak and spontaneous combustion. And really who wants that; not me! I would rather have a fridge-freezer. So I suggest you get yourself a new best friend; a fridge-freezer. Guaranteed not to break your heart.

Author Bio: Rachel Hurley spends her days working as a writer for Appliances Online. In her spare time she likes to rescue snails, watch Dexter and overdose on caffeine. She is also due to release her first solo single with Universal, entitled ‘Oh joyous Fridge’, with a B-side track ‘Refrigeration for the Nation’. Available to download now, only $9.95.

July 15, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Pick Teaching As A Career

Teaching is never easy and it can seem like a thankless task when you spend the whole weekend marking, only to be mocked by friends who joke that you get too many holidays. However, there are many reasons why you should pick teaching as a career and undertake a teaching qualification such as Middlesex University PGCE courses.

1. Holidays. Let’s get that one out the way first. We know you didn’t choose to be a teacher just because of the holidays. We also know that, despite what your friends and family think, you will spend a large chunk of your holiday marking papers and writing lesson plans. But all those holidays are nice and even when you are working, it is a luxury to be able to work from home.

2. Rewarding. There’s nothing like seeing your class finish a long and complicated project or put on a play. You will watch your pupils learn and grow as people as they get older. You will feel almost as proud as the parents when the day comes for them to leave your school and take their next step in the world.

3. Changing Lives. Not many careers will give you the opportunity to have a positive influence on children and shape their future for the better. You may spot a creative talent in a pupil and give them the confidence to pursue their dream when they would have otherwise decided to opt for a safer career instead.

4. Getting To Teach A Subject You Love. Whether it’s art, English, science or maths that is your passion, nothing will give you more joy than being able to work in this field everyday. You will also be able to share your love for a subject with others and have the reward of watching them enjoy learning about it too.

5. Job Security. Not many careers provide jobs for life these days, but a good teacher will always be able to find work in their chosen area. There are also a number career progression opportunities available and you can choose to move up to be the head of department, head of year or even head teacher.

6. Job Opportunities Away From The Main Cities. This can enable you to find work away from busy cities and avoid the high house prices and traffic hell that city dwellers have to endure.

7. Work Around Your Family. Even if you don’t have a family now, you may consider starting one in the future. As a teacher, you will be off school at the same time that your children are so you could save a fortune in child care costs and spend more time with your children too. You also won’t have to worry about asking a nagging boss for time off because your holidays are set out for you each year. You can’t grumble about that!

June 10, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why Christmas Should Happen In June

We are sure many of you remember with great fondness our attempts at rebranding the 24th December as ‘The Day Of The Sausage’. Sadly – and wrongly – the idea never captured the imagine of the masses. As such we have long been looking for a new festive-based campaign to get behind. And we may have found it in today’s guest post. Over to Sam.

***

I’ve had enough of Christmas in December and reckon it’d be far more fun if it were to occur in June. Here are seven reasons why!

1. Christmas Shopping Would Be Fun. I don’t, as a rule, dislike buying my family and friends Christmas gifts. However, I do dislike turning out onto busy, dark, weather-battered streets in search of the perfect pressie. The ensuing festive scrum is just unpleasant. Admittedly moving the event to June wouldn’t lessen the crowds, but I have a theory. Defending oneself from the elements with sweaters, jumpers, coats, scarfs and the rest increases ones size. I, for a while, owned an anorak that was large enough to warrant its own seat on the underground. If Christmas happened in June this wouldn’t be an issue, t-shirts, vest tops, shorts and skirts would give us room to breathe. And it is also worth mentioning it would negate the instant sauna effect every time you enter a store that occurs with our current date arrangement. Imagine the possibilities. It’d be a merry stroll on sunny streets and, when you were done, an ice cream in the park.

2. Online Christmas Shopping Would Be Less Fraught With Potential Pitfalls. I’ve not finished with Christmas shopping yet. A counter to point one would be the suggestion that the modern Christmas shopper notices that it’s December 1st and promptly makes a cup of coffee and a cheese toasty, before sitting down at their computer and surfing straight to various gift themed websites. A click here and a click there and your Crimbo shopping is done quicker than you can say, “I am a gift giving god!” And you are – as long as there is no adverse weather forecast. It’s December though, and adverse weather is what December really likes to do. Cue impenetrable blizzards and M5 stranded delivery drivers eating that hamper of chocolates you ordered.

3. Santa Would Become A Positive Role Model. Currently Santa is a heart attack waiting to happen. In a world of health awareness holding this fellow aloft as the most important person in a young person’s life alongside Pikachu is surely a bad idea. Christmas in summer would see Santa trim in no time. He’d sweat off those extra 200 pounds he’s carrying in a couple of years, especially having to scoot around the world in half the usual time due to shorter nights.

4. Cold Weather Is Rubbish! Having already mentioned the weather in points 1 and 2 does not negate the requirement for an entry on its own merit. Cold weather is miserable. Plus it’s not just the cold; it’s the sideways rain and hip-breaking conditions underfoot. Historically, aside from the Jesus’ birthday deal, it is reckoned the celebration took place in sync with the winter solstice to lift spirits because everyone was miserable due to the short days, crappy weather and that there was little agricultural work to be done. Sensible? Maybe, but sensible never went hand-in-hand with a cracking celebration. Let’s go outside and party like it’s Christmas in June and pushing 100 Fahrenheit. Oh hang on, it is!

5. No More Mulled Wine. “Hot wine?! No thanks, you’re mad.” This is the correct response when someone offers you mulled wine, except if it is Christmas when you smile and swallow it down as if hot wine if the norm. It isn’t, but seemingly it is only brought out due to the fact it’s December and we’re all freezing. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather sit outside in June’s summer sun and celebrate my Christmas by reaching in to a bucket of ice for a chilled beer.

6. I Wouldn’t Get Combined Birthday And Christmas Presents. I’m not an ungrateful sort, but for the best part of quarter of a century I’ve been the receiver of combined Christmas and birthday presents due to my parents bad planning. Yes, I have an early January birthday. Switching to June would give all those suffering the same fate a taste of two awesome gift receiving occasions that are nicely spaced throughout the year.

7. Why Not? Why not indeed? I can’t think of a reason. And as they say, a change is as good as rest. Besides when we switch we’ll be getting two Christmas celebrations within 12 months, how cool is that?! It’ll boost the economy and raise public moral. I know I’ve criticised certain elements of the December-based festivity, but it is the most wonderful time of the year. In fact, are there any negatives to just adding another Christmas in June? If we do that every one’s happy. What could be more Christmas spirited than that?!

Sam C campaigns by night for the redistribution of national holidays, whilst by day contributing to the e-commerce site, Find Me A Gift.

March 13, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Tell Your Friends About Depression

Occasionally on 7 Reasons, we put the irreverence aside for a minute and focus on more worthy and serious topics. Today’s guest post tackles depression. A subject close to our hearts as we know both those who have suffered and currently suffer from the illness. Thankfully, not in silence.

***

Until recently, at least, many of us seeking help with depression felt obliged to keep it private, or at least restrict the info to our doctors & spouses. Now, with high profile mental health campaigns lifting the taboo, it’s easier to speak out. I’m not talking about suddenly having ten more shoulders to cry on, but more helpful things like being able to say, “I’m really sorry, but I can’t come to your party; my depression is flaring up”… instead of promising to go, copping out at the last minute, then feeling guilty about it for a fortnight. So here are seven reasons why you should speak up:

1. It’s Fairer On You. People have different methods of hiding their depression – some folk just drop out of contact for a few weeks, while others maintain a super-cheerful front all day & then burst into tears once alone. These tactics put so much pressure on you; to explain your absences, to maintain that twinkling grin. This is actually really stressful, and may fuel any worries you have about what people are thinking of you. My aunt, who has manic depression, finally admitted to everyone why she disappears for weeks on end. And it lifted a load off her shoulders.

2. … And Fairer On Them. If your friends are worth having, they worry about you when you go quiet for a while. It’s much better if they know why. They might still worry, but at least now they know you haven’t run off to Benidorm with a creepy old pop-star, or joined a cult. If they really can’t cope with having a depressed friend, it’s probably because they have issues of their own that they’re unwilling to confront – if you do lose any friendships over this, it may well have been best for both of you, even if it does feel a bit insulting.

3. The Situation Feels Lighter. You may, like me, have witnessed that look of sudden comprehension & relief on a friend’s face, as you explain what’s going on. Chances are they had a feeling something was up, but couldn’t understand it. Some people blame it on themselves, while others just wait for things to work out. With the secret out, it somehow has less gravity – it’s not some terrible mystery, after all – just something that you must dedicate time to, in order to recover.

4. You & Your Friends Can Make More Realistic Plans. Instead of assuming that everyone’s going out clubbing yet again this weekend, people can start being – dare I say, a little more imaginative? Chilled out gatherings at home can be way less stressful than having to glue on your happy face & dance all night. It also means that you feel less pressure to drink alcohol, which doesn’t help depression & can interfere with any medication you’re taking. When your friends do go out & party, they won’t feel disappointed when you can’t make it.

5. It Gives Your Friends A Chance To Be Nice To You. Once you start being honest & open, they’ll start asking if you fancy a cup of tea, sending daily kitten pictures to your inbox, making you presents, or sharing personal interests. It might sound trivial, but these things all build towards a happier life – and they’re all true stories.

6. You Can Focus On What You Can Do, Instead Of What You Can’t. Instead of sitting at home ticking off a list of events you’re missing, you can start thinking up things you can do without much trouble. Like meeting for coffee, spending half an hour on the phone, having someone round for a quiet evening. You’ll feel less isolated & more positive, while they’ll feel included & friendly.

7. It’ll Encourage Other Sufferers To Do The Same. Discovering that I’m not alone and that I can recover from depression – with a little help from my friends – has sped me along the road to recovery. It felt brave to speak up and I was inspired by others, like my aunt, who’d done the same before me.

March 5, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons The Holiday Season Sucks

If you’re feeling really festive, we mean really festive, then today’s guest post from Louise Tillotson probably isn’t the kind of thing you wanted to read over your lunch break. On the other hand, though, if you bat for Team Scrooge this is the kind of thing you’ll want to read and share and read and share and read and share… (repeat to fade).

I like Christmas as much as the next person. Provided that person is, in fact, Scrooge. Bah humbug and all that…

But honestly, I do enjoy the festive period to an extent. The act of going out in the cold, wrapped up warmly, spending my hard-earned savings on things I don’t have to find space for in my already cluttered home is, to me, one of the joys of Christmas.

When you’re a grown-up, Christmas does kind of lose its appeal. But when you have kids of your own and see it through their eyes, it seems magical all over again.

Sadly, what those little eyes don’t see are the niggly little annoyances that now seem to ruin the season just that little bit more each year. I’m talking about…

1. Christmas Cards. Every year we send flimsy bits of cardboard with awful pictures on them to people we never see or speak to throughout the year. And every year we get flimsy bits of cardboard with awful pictures on them given to us which we then have to display in our homes in case the giver happens to drop by. Which is unlikely seeing as we haven’t seen or spoken to them all year…

2. The Weather. Do a Google image search for ‘Christmas’ and you immediately get thousands of pictures containing snow-covered cottages, trees festooned with lights, and jolly-looking snowmen made out of the purest white snow. Now look out of your window. See the grey slush laying forlornly in the gutter, the crumpled lump of grey and yellow matter with a single carrot poking out at an odd angle, the few dimly lit bulbs hanging on for dear life to a wilting bush…Doesn’t the sight just fill your heart with winter joy? No, I didn’t think so.

3. Strange Bearded Men. I am of course referring to Santa Claus, Father Christmas or whatever you call him in your family. There’s just something vaguely creepy about taking your beloved little one to sit on the knee of a strange man and confide in him all their secret wishes for the season. Or more realistically; start to cry hysterically, scream for mummy and wet themselves.

4. Cold Food. Maybe it was just the way my mother cooked it, but I always think of Christmas dinner as being a lot of cold stuff covered with thick gravy. There’s obviously an art to getting four types of vegetable, three types of potato, turkey and stuffing to the same hot temperature at the same time…and my mother never mastered it. Our turkey dinners always consisted of freezing cold meat, red hot gravy and tepid everything else. Which probably wouldn’t be so bad but the turkey is always far too large and you end up having it with every meal for a week afterwards.

5. Mandatory Alcohol. And when I say alcohol I don’t mean the tasty stuff that you’d choose to drink if you were at the pub. I’m talking about stuff like Babycham, the “wine” parents buy when they want to get their offspring amusingly drunk; and Advocaat, which looks like runny custard and smells like it’s been drunk already. And woe betide you if you don’t want to drink – you’ll have a glass of this cheap plonk out of a box and damn well enjoy it!

6. Decorations. I don’t mind what people have inside their homes, as I don’t have to look at it. I’m talking about the stuff people decorate the outside of their homes with. As far as I can tell, there are two rules every outside decorator thinks they must obey: the lights must be the brightest you can find, and if they don’t flash and/or cause a hazardous distraction to drivers, you’ve not used enough. For preference, you should also create your own Nativity/Farm/North Pole with brightly lit animal structures too, for that added tackiness.

7. Presents. Last but not least, we come to the gifts. Your granny is probably delegated to trot out the old adage “giving is better than receiving” but honestly, I think it’s true. Only by not receiving gifts can we avoid having to pretend to love the hideous pair of socks a lazy uncle has bought you, or the bath salts which you just know will make you smell like the inside of a pensioner’s handbag. There’s only so long you can wear a fake smile and feign delightedness so as not to offend your well-meaning but utterly clueless relatives.

December 13, 2011
7 Reasons That I Was Wrong About Children

Hello! Marc here. I have a confession to make. I’ve been really wrong for a long time about something really fundamental. When I was growing up, my stepfather would tell me that it “takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong”. Usually before admitting he was wrong. Well I’ve been very, very wrong. Wrong enough to make me a giant. Because I used to think that having a child would be among the worst things that could happen to anyone. But now that I’ve been the owner of a child for the past six months (he turned half last Saturday) I realise that it isn’t. In fact, having a child is bloody amazing. Here are seven reasons that I was wrong about children.

1. It’s Not Difficult. I used to imagine that being a parent was hard, but it isn’t. When you have a child, you’ll soon discover that you’re playing all the time. It’s amazing fun and it’s not at all difficult to do (in fact, it’s child’s play). Everything you do in your life with your child is a fun game. Teaching them to eat; teaching them to walk; introducing them to new colours and textures; changing a nappy, everything – however mundane – is a wondrous and fascinating experience for them, which makes it an intensely rewarding experience for you. Earlier today, my son and I spent half an hour banging on a window from opposite sides at each other. Half an hour! It was great.

2. It Doesn’t Age You. I previously thought that having a child was an experience that must surely prematurely age people as a result of the lack of sleep and the heavy burden of responsibility. But it turns out that the opposite is true. Spending most of your life with a creature to whom everything is new and exciting is a liberation. It’s an opportunity to view anything and everything without the burden of your own experiences and prejudices. It’s like seeing everything through a new pair of eyes. If anything, I would have to say that fatherhood has made me feel and act younger. Impossible as it may seem to anyone that knows me, I believe that having a child has made me more childlike than I was before.

3. Having Children Isn’t A Serious Business. I used to think that having a baby around wouldn’t be much fun, but it is. And even when babies aren’t being very entertaining, you can still have fun with them. Earlier today, my wife left our (not yet mobile) son unattended in the living room for thirty seconds, so I snuck in and moved him to the other side of his play-mat. “He’s moved!” She shrieked as she returned to the room while I dissolved into a fit of the giggles. Once she realised that this was not the case, she laughed too. Having a child around just makes our lives more fun. It’s made us more fun people.

4. Having Children Is A Very Social Business. I used to believe that having a child would hamper my social life: That a child would have a similar effect on my social life to the one that the iceberg had on the progress of the Titanic. But I was wrong. Because we didn’t know many of our neighbours before, but now we know almost all of them. And their many children. We share toys, baby accessories and childhood diseases with them and our children go to play-group together. If anything, our social life has been improved by having a child. It turns out that he’s not an iceberg, he’s an ice-breaker.

5. Having Children Makes You Less Selfish. I used to believe that having children would make me more selfish. That I would resent the intrusion that a child would make on my time and would guard it jealously. But it turns out that the opposite is true. When I went to bed at 2am last Saturday morning and my son saw me and decided that he wanted to play, I didn’t mind a bit. We played for two hours and it was great fun. Then I put him into his cot and he rolled around and barked like a dog for a bit. My wife and I just lay there listening to him and laughing. I had to be up at 7am to climb a mountain. Did I mind the unexpected impingement on my time and the weariness the next day? Not a bit.

6. Having A Child Does Not Make You Housebound. I used to think that having a child would mean that I’d get to go out less. But the opposite has happened. I’m out all the time! Weather permitting, we take our son to the park every day. I’ve spent more time in parks in the last six months than I had in my entire life before we had a child. I pretty much live in the park; I’m almost a part-time tramp. As my son and I were playing on our mat the other day, a woman came up to us and said “It’s so nice to see a father spending time playing with his son.” I smiled and told her that it was no chore. And it wasn’t. I couldn’t think of anywhere I’d rather have been or anything I’d rather have been doing than playing with my son in the park at that moment. I’m always out these days.

7. Children Do Not Make Everything Messy. I used to dread the effect that a child would have on the interior of my house. I thought that all of the gaudily-coloured accessories and accoutrements that are needed for children would clutter up my house and make it a (more) horrid place to be. But they’ve improved it. We’ve got owls on the walls and windmills in the garden. In fact, we’ve got owls everywhere. But I like owls. Now I get to buy really fun and interesting things to decorate the house with instead of sobre and tasteful grown-up stuff. Our house is much nicer now and we’ve got a crocodile on the upstairs landing! Who wouldn’t want one of those?!

September 30, 2011