Tag: economy

Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why It’s Good To Celebrate

We love a good old knees up in the UK – and we do it all year round. From Christmas parties and birthdays to special celebrations and family gatherings, having fun is something we’re good at.

According to the recently published Infographic The Cost Of Celebrations, from Baines & Ernst, there are four special dates that stick out on the calendar as some of the most popular occasions we love to celebrate – Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Easter and Father’s Day.

Here are our 7 Reasons why it’s good to celebrate these special occasions…

1. Everyone loves getting a card. Whether you’re giving or receiving, cards are pretty great. With just a few words, you can deliver the sentiment with maximum effect. Make someone laugh or shed a happy tear, a card can help you say so much without making a hugely expensive gesture.

In the UK we send 25 million Valentine’s cards, 30 million Mother’s Day cards and 7 million Father’s Day cards – which just goes to show how popular this tradition is.

2. Treats, treats and more treats… Apart from birthdays and Christmas, there are few occasions where you get spoilt rotten… unless you’re hopelessly in love or are a parent; then of course you get showered with gifts! And if you don’t have someone to treat you on Valentine’s or a child to give you a gift, at least you know you’ll be able to gorge on Chocolate at Easter.

3. Feel the love! Feeling amorous and totally loved up? Then Valentine’s Day offers the perfect opportunity to show the value of your love. On average, men in the UK spend £97.12 on their other halves, while women spend £91.89. And if you don’t have that ‘special someone’, then you could lavish your pet instead… you wouldn’t be alone, apparently 3% of pet owners give their pets a gift on February 14th.

4. Celebrate how fantastic your folks are. Parents are awesome, and what a great way to show how much you appreciate them, then on Mother’s and Father’s Day. Take them out, give them a gift or make them dinner – it’s a nice occasion that you can all share as a family.

5. Break the rules when it comes to gifts. Would it surprise you to hear that flowers and neck ties top the poles in the most popular gifts for mums and dads? Break the rules and get creative with your gifts to make them a memorable keepsake they’ll cherish forever.

6. Easter – one of the only times it’s acceptable to eat chocolate for breakfast. Over 90 million chocolate eggs are sold in the UK every year – with Easter accounting for 10% of chocolate spending for the whole year! Easter is your licence to eat as much chocolate as you like, but it’s not always a good idea, especially when you consider 1 in 5 kids have made themselves ill by stuffing their little faces… oooops!!

7. Celebrations keep our economy ticking. Just like Christmas, all of these occasions help keep our economy ticking over nicely. Valentine’s is worth the most, with £2.4 billion spent on gifts. Mother’s Day is worth £1.5 billion and while Father’s Day doesn’t quite generate as much spending, it’s still worth a cool £1 billion.

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March 1, 2013
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Visit The Lake District

A holiday to the Lake District may not necessarily sound like a barrel of laughs but it is actually a great place to visit. Here’s why:

1. There Are Great Museums And Indoor Attractions. There are many fantastic museums to visit in the Lake District, so if the weather turns bad you won’t be left twiddling your thumbs. If the thought of visiting The Cumberland Pencil Museum, home of the world’s longest colour pencil, makes you feel like sticking pencils in your eyes then The Lakes Aquarium at Windermere may be more your thing. Many of the museums are a great place to learn about local culture like the Maritime Museum or learn about things so truly associated with the Lake District like Beatrix Potter and Wordsworth.

2. Beat The Fat. The Lake District is a fantastic place to get out in the great outdoors. Instead of coming home from holiday carrying extra pounds, a trip to the Lake District is a chance to come home feeling fresh and looking lighter. Even a man’s best friend will benefit from a holiday in the countryside. After all, who would want to be stuck in a kennels all week? Staying in a pet friendly holiday cottage means you can bring your four legged friends along too.

3. It’s Not Far From Anywhere In The UK. The UK is just the right size meaning that you can travel from anywhere in the UK and arrive in the Lake’s in just a few hours. Stick on the sat nav and you will be there in no time. Once you arrive in the Lakes there are so many options of places to stay, from Keswick to Kendal and Ambleside to Windermere. So whatever you fancy there is sure to be a Lake District cottage for you.

4. Support The Local Economy. We all know the UK economy is going through a pretty rough time. So come on, be patriotic and spend your hard earned cash here in the UK. The Lake District economy is estimated to be worth somewhere in the region of £6.5 million a year and tourism in the Lake’s is responsible for keeping over 20,000 people in full time jobs, not to mention all the people employed part-time and seasonally. Come on, let’s look after the UK!

5. Stay Close To Home Comforts. What could be better than a holiday without all the annoyances: screaming kids at the airport, being kicked in the back of your seat on a long flight then having to contend with a different language and strange food? Keep it simple, just get in the car and off you go! Unfortunately, if the screaming kids are yours then you only have yourself to blame!

6. Experience Local Accents. The local Cumbrian accent can be quite hard to understand but local accents are part of what makes the UK great! Sounding somewhere between Lancashire and Geordie, the Cumbrian accent can be very strong. Phrases like ‘garn yam with our lass’ to most of us means ‘I’m going home with my wife’. And when you hear someone counting, you might hear ‘yan, tan, tetherer, methera’. You might need a guide book to understand the locals after all!

7. Country Pubs Are Great! What could be better then ending the day in a quaint country pub with a pint and a home cooked meal? A pub with oak beams and open log fire is a great place to catch up with family and friends. If you like beer (and let’s face it, who doesn’t?) a trip to one of the Lake Districts local breweries could be right up your street. And, naturally, no trip to a brewery would be complete without sampling the produce!

April 22, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons For Buying Term Life Insurance

The world economy is in the toilet. It doesn’t take a financial planner to figure that out. One of the best ways to protect your family if you die is to buy life insurance. Now more than ever, people are purchasing life insurance to protect those they love in case they kick the bucket before their golden years. Yes, it’s true. Life insurance. It’s not just for busty blondes wedded to billionaires anymore. If you’re considering taking the plunge, you need to decide whether you’ll go for a term life policy or a different kind of plan. Here are seven reasons you should go for term life all the way.

1. Your Agent Can Shove The Commissions. If you find yourself in the ridiculously uncomfortable position of having life insurance quotes hurled at you by a sales agent while sipping tea in your living room, my condolences. If that insurance agent manages to convince you to opt for whole life instead of term, I urge you to bash your head against a wall repeatedly. Take your time, I’ll wait. Done? Great. On average, insurance agents get a few thousand in commission from selling you a whole life plan – compared to only a few hundred scored by signing you up for a term policy.

2. Universal Life Is Scary. The really scary thing about universal life is that no one really understands how it works. So let me try to break it down for you. Your premium goes into what’s known as the “bucket,” then the insurance company adds interest, the company takes out the insurance cost, which includes a mortality charge which increases the monthly expense and the administrative costs are taken out and divide by the profit and speculative… umm… did I lose you? Good, because I’m kind of confused myself. Let’s move on.

3. Whole Life Insurance Sucks. When you buy a whole life policy, you are responsible for paying a set premium – for the rest of your life. In return, you are handsomely rewarded with a paltry cash value. Guess what the company gets to do? Invest your money however they’d like and furnish you with almost no interest in return. Let’s hear it for getting your money’s worth!*

4. Term Life Insurance With No Exam Rocks. Let’s break it down to the morbid fundamentals. Life insurance companies like to place bets on when you’re gonna croak. They gather information about your health, well-being, your likelihood of jumping off a tall building, things like that. They take this information and plug it into a formula with average life expectancy information and the magic machine spits out the amount you’re going to have to cough up for coverage. If you buy term life coverage with no exam, then you cut out one more way they can up the price.

5. You Won’t Be Tempted To Pay Your Mortgage With Your Cash Value. With the crappy economy, many people are turning to the money accumulated in their whole life plan to pay the bills. While this may seem like an excellent solution in the short term, in the long run, it can equal financial meltdown. Term life plans don’t have a cash value you can borrow against, which effectively removes the temptation for the weaker among you. You know who you are.

6. You Never Have To Worry About Getting Hit By A Bus Again. Term life is great because you don’t have to stay up at night wondering what will happen if you die before you get old. Are you scared of getting into a plane wreck? Worry no more, you’re covered. Are you scared you might get hit by a taxicab while crossing the street on the way to work? How about being involved in a hot air balloon accident wearing nothing but your socks? I know, me too. Think about it all the time. If you have a term life plan, you can put those fears to bed once and for all.

7. Your Spouse Will Be Set If She Can Get Away With Poisoning You. Trouble in paradise? Well, with term life, you needn’t sweat it. Your wife will be well taken care of after she spikes your pancakes with antifreeze. That receptionist isn’t looking so hot now, is she?

* If your irony detector isn’t that sharp, let me translate: you’re getting screwed.

February 18, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Why A Credit Card Might Save Your Life

1. It Just Might Save Your Marriage Someday. Women love to shop. It is part of their genetic makeup. If you are married to a woman who thrives on shopping, and you deny her the fulfillment of this instinctive, natural urge, you could very well end up causing very real marital problems. You know the old saying “hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn”? That phrase was coined by a department store. So when your wife finds a way to spend all of your money, you will be owing a debt of gratitude (and interest and fees) to the best credit card companies.

2. Your Parents Refuse To Raise Your Allowance To Keep Up With Inflation. You need money to go out with your friends. You need money to treat your significant other on a date. You need money to put gas in your (parents’) car. You need money to buy the latest gadgets and accessories and to keep up with all of the stuff that your friends have. But when your parents refuse to give you the money to fund your lifestyle, and you can’t (or won’t) find a job, then a freshly minted credit card, made for students, can be a godsend.

3. You Get Trapped In An Elevator Or Locked In A Room And Can’t Get Out. Credit cards are notorious for getting you trapped… financially. But they can also help you get out of traps… physically! These slender little shards of plastic can help you unlock doors and windows, and can help you to pry open practically anything that needs to be opened. Who would have thought that a credit card just might help you get out of a difficult situation rather than get you stuck in one.

4. You Need To Do Your Part To Save The Economy. The economy is in shambles. We’ve all seen the devastation caused by the collapse of the housing market and the implosion of the job market. You might think that the prudent thing to do in during these tough economic times is to hunker down and keep tighter control over your money and reign in your spending habits. But if you do that, the economy is just going to worsen, isn’t it? If we want the economy to recover, then we all need to put our confidence back into the economy and start spending again. So get that credit card out and start spending, and do your part to save the economy!

5. Using Your Credit Cards Is A Matter Of National Security. One of the most sacred institutions of the United States is the pursuit of the American Dream. Indeed, keeping the American Dream alive is one of the stated goals that our politicians in Washington DC have been emphasizing in their attempts to revive the economy. Therefore, it is your patriotic duty as an American to keep the American Dream alive by keeping the credit card companies in business. After all, how long can we expect them to survive on government bailouts? Their bailout should come from the private sector. And what better way to help keep the credit card companies in business than to use your credit cards?

6. The World Is Coming To An End And You Need To Safeguard Your Cash. The Mayans predicted that the world will end in 2012. Scientists claim that an asteroid will be coming close enough to impact the earth during this century. World War III could happen at any time now. If a run on the banks would occur and people start hoarding cash, you could always rely on plastic to help you survive the economic uncertainty that lies ahead.

7. When You Run Out Of Money Every Month, At Least You Will Have The Credit Cash Back Rewards To Help You Keep Afloat. If you are living paycheck to paycheck, using one credit card to pay off another every single month, then at least you should be looking forward to your credit card cash back rewards! When you find yourself constantly running out of money every month, at least you know that all of the money you spent on your credit cards, keeping a balance and accruing interest, will pay off when you get those cash back rewards every month! A credit card can really help you out when money is tight!

January 25, 2012
7 Reasons The Samoans Really Haven’t Thought This Through

If you read the Weird & Wonderful section of the BBC website you may well have seen that Samoa is to set to jump forward by one day. You may also know this if you are Samoan. And live in Samoa. If you don’t, you need to read this next bit very carefully. At midnight on 28th December 2011 – Samoan time – it won’t be 28th December 2011. It will actually be midnight on 29th December 2011. The Prime Minister, Tuilaepa Sailele Malielegaoi, says the twenty-four hour leap to the west side of the international data line will be good for the economy. It will enable them to do more business with Australia and New Zealand. But have they really thought it through? Our investigations show they may want to rethink.

Samoa Wants To Move To The Left Of The Dotted Line

1. 28th December 2011. That’s a Wednesday! Wednesday is a business day. Surely logic would have said jump forward in time at a weekend. Lose a Saturday or a Sunday. Not a Wednesday!

2. Tourism. Unsurprisingly, what with it being a small island with beautiful beaches, Samoa is a popular holiday destination for people like to lie around doing nothing while getting sunburnt. As a result the tourist industry is a major part of the Samoan economy. The problem is that went people book a ten day holiday they expect ten days. They don’t expect nine days. But that’s exactly what would happen if you go to Samoa for Christmas and New Year. Which is why you won’t. No one will. At the end of this year Samoa will be completely free of tourists. The Samoan economy will shudder to a worrying halt.

3. Natives. What happens if they have a birthday on 28th December? They are either going to stay in Samoa and not have a birthday which means no money being spent on presents, cake, balloons and Pin The Tail On The Donkey kits. Or they are going to go away to celebrate which means money will be spent on presents, cake, balloons, and Pin The Tail On The Donkey kits in Sydney. Either way, Samoa’s economy loses.

4. Productivity. So, without a 28th December, Samoa will be faced with a four day week. Only they won’t because the 26th and 27th are public holidays. So they’ll have a two day week. Thanks to the foresight of Tuilaepa Sailele Malielegaoi, Samoans are going to have to cram five days work into just two. It’s not going to happen. I guarantee you now that the entire Somoan workforce will be on strike on the 29th and 30th December. So basically, from 23rd December until 3rd January, nothing is going to happen in Samoa. Hardly the sort of attitude that is going to inspire New Zealand and Australia based companies to work with them is it?

5. Pressure. At the moment Samoa is the last place to see daylight. The pressure is off them really. Everyone else has done that day and are now either chilling, sleeping or preparing for a the next day. Samoans can pretty much do what they want safe in the knowledge that no one is watching. Come 2012 though, they are going to be leading the world into every new day. They have the responsibility to get us off to a good start. If they have a bad one, so do the rest of us. That is a lot of pressure and a lot of change. Really, they should have had a trial period first. Perhaps moving Samoa to just West of Ireland. This way they’d have experienced some pressure, but not potentially economy damaging pressure.

6. The Americas. Samoa’s argument is that the majority of their business ties are with Australia and New Zealand and so by advancing by a day they get to work with them for five days instead of just three*. That’s putting an awful lot of eggs in just two baskets. There are thirty-five ~~countries~~ baskets in The Americas. Some baskets, like the basket of the USA, are so big that they contain sub-baskets. There’s a basket for New York. A basket for Chicago. A basket for Los Angeles. In other words, there is opportunity. If a Samoan finds a basket is full, well he can move on to another. This time-travelling is not only going to reduce the size of these America based baskets, but some will disappear all together.** Lots of Samoans will be looking to transfer their eggs to the baskets of New Zealand and Australia. And while these baskets are going to be slightly bigger, there are going to be a whole lot more eggs in them. And when you have too many eggs in a basket that leads to cracking. And, eventually, egg white saturation.

7. Warranties. Let’s say, hypothetically speaking, I purchased a freeview box in Apia on 29th December 2010. The warranty runs out on 28th December 2011. What happens if it breaks down on 28th December? A date that doesn’t exist. I foresee a lot of correspondence going back and forth. That’s a whole lot of stamps. And a whole lot of expense. It alarms me that Tuilaepa Sailele Malielegaoi has made the decision without even contemplating such eventualities. And let me assure you, by hook or by crook I will get my hands on a Samoan freeview box and I will be following this up. All for the love of reasoning.

*At present, when it’s Monday in New Zealand and Australia, it’s Sunday in Samoa. And when it’s Friday in Samoa, it’s Saturday in New Zealand and Australia.

**When it’s Monday in Samoa it will be Sunday in The Americas and when it’s Friday in the Americas it will be Saturday in Samoa.

May 10, 2011
7 Reasons To Act Like A Lion (Today)

I doubt it has escaped your notice, but if it has, let me be the first to tell you that it is now March. Well done us. We made it. And to celebrate I feel it would be appropriate to adhere to the idiom that states, ‘March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb’. Or at least the first part of it. I think we can all agree that it would be impractical to go out like a lamb before one has even attempted to come in like a lion. So today, and only today (and all subsequent March 1sts) I urge you to act like a lion. Here’s why:

1. Roaring. Everyone has times when they just want to roar in the face of someone. We have held back though because it is not correct etiquette. But what if you were acting like a lion? When a lion gets annoyed he roars or eats you. I have consulted the 7 Reasons lawyers and apparently we could find ourselves in trouble if we advocate – even humorously – Hannibal-style activity. Roaring is fine though. So this is your excuse. If there is someone out there who annoys you, walk up to them quietly and then roar in their face. It doesn’t even matter if you spray a little saliva. That is what lions do.

2. No Cooking Required. Lions eat raw meat. I need not explain this further.

3. Hair. No doubt someone will comment on this post in the many months to come and tell me that I haven’t done my research and in fact lions take great pride in their appearance. Until that eventuality occurs however, I will categorically state that lions are not in the least bit vein. They are quite happy to let their hair grow long and wild. So today, you don’t need to use that comb. Or that razor. Or that waxing strip. Just let it all hang out.

4. Sponsorship. If you don’t tell anyone the reason you are acting like a lion – and they haven’t read this post (a very strong possibility) – you could be in the money. If I see someone wandering around the office acting like a lion, I immediately assume they are doing it for charity. In theory this should probably be my second thought after, ‘what the bloody hell is that person doing in my lounge?’, but anyway, we’ll ignore that. So, if someone offers you 50p, don’t refuse and tell them about 7 Reasons, just take it. I reckon you could earn £20 just by roaring every half hour. Easy money.*

5. Economy. I know this is a regular theme in my posts, but it is a serious matter. We must find a way to stimulate the economy. Given that none of you assisted Marc and I in our bid to trick or treat our way out of the recession last year, I can only hope you will finally see sense and help us ‘lion’ our way out of the mess we currently find ourselves in. It’s a novel approach I admit, but desperate times call for innovative thinking. Hire a lion outfit for the day. It’ll only cost you £12 and more than likely keep you warm and snug for a full twenty-four hours. The fancy-dress market will receive a massive boost of £372,000,000 overnight which they can use to increase costume manufacture. Increased costume manufacture means more jobs. More jobs means more people with disposable income. More disposable income means more fancy dress outfit hires. It’s a beautiful circle. So let’s do this. Go to your local fancy-dress shop and hire that outfit. For the love of Britain, please.

6. Wales. Today is St. David’s Day in the Principality and what better way to celebrate than by acting like a lion, an animal that features on both the Royal Coat of Arms of England and Scotland? Exactly

7. In The Jungle Flash Mob. I’m not a fan of flash mobs especially when I get stuck in the middle of them in Trafalgar Square and end up singing along to Hey Jude, but I do feel a mass flash mob where we are all dressed as lions and perform In The Jungle could be particularly good for the soul. Something like this. Without the animated Hippo and Dog obviously. Or maybe with. TBC.

Make sure you come back on March 31st to read, ’7 Reasons To Act Like A Lamb’.

*Just a friendly reminder that our cut is 15%.

March 1, 2011
7 Reasons That I Won’t Be Sending My Christmas Cards Until Christmas Eve

It’s almost Christmas and one of the aspects of the festival that I hate the most is writing Christmas cards. But I’ve come up with a cunning plan for dealing with them. This year, I won’t be sending any Christmas cards out until Christmas Eve. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Space. When you’re buying your stamps or posting your cards, the post office on Christmas Eve is a far more convivial atmosphere than the post office on December 18^th. When I’m posting my cards tomorrow, I’m going to be alone, with just the post office staff wearing their Santa hats and antlers, and eating their mince pies, (which they’ll probably share with me). And, instead of being stuck in a long mazy queue of grey people coughing, I’m going to have space to stretch my arms out and spin around. And that’s what I’m going to do; just because I can. And because it’s less cruel than swinging a cat.

2. Time. Leaving the cards until the last minute will have other benefits too. Had I written my cards early I’d have spent lots of time writing them out neatly, but I didn’t do that this year, and now that Christmas Eve is almost upon us, I’m doing the Christmas cards as a rush job. So that’s a lot less time that I’ve spent writing cards: Time that I was able to use more productively. I didn’t obviously, I spent it mulling things and playing Angry Birds. I also photoshopped a hat onto the statue of liberty. But it’s still time saved.

3. Inclusivity. It’s more inclusive if I send my cards on Christmas Eve. After all, I’m notoriously forgetful, but I know who I’ve received a card from because there’s a bushel of them in the living room. Or a gross. Or a flock (I have no idea how quantities of cards are measured), so it’s easy enough for me to work out who’s sent them and reply. So if you’ve sent me a card, you’ll get one in return: And if you haven’t, then you won’t. Obviously if anyone else is using the same system as me then that’s unfortunate, but if they are, that would benefit the…

4. Environment. That the Christmas cards I’ve sent won’t be received until after Christmas is good for the planet. Because no one sends out a Christmas card after Christmas, so people won’t send out any cards in reply to mine. So there’ll be less wasted paper, and I’ll have less recycling to do in January. Which is great, as the first recycling day of the New Year is usually like some sort of glass-themed labour of Hercules, but without Hercules and starring me instead.

5. Blame. And no one even need know that their cards weren’t sent until Christmas Eve (unless they’re reading this. Damn) because what’s the default opinion on the Royal Mail in this country? It’s that they’re hapless and inefficient. That’s not strictly true. Most of the time, they’re dedicated people doing a fine, and quite thankless, job, but they’ll automatically get the blame for the tardy arrival of my cards anyway. But that’s their problem and I don’t mind using it to my advantage. After all, I’ve never been stupid enough to change my name to Consignia and they have.

6. How To Win Friends And Influence People. When no card arrives before Christmas, friends, family and acquaintances will probably think “The bastard! He hasn’t sent us a folded over piece of paper with a picture of a fat, bearded man on the front and some illegible scrawl within! How could he do this to me?” But then, when the card turns up a few days after Christmas (“bloody post office”) they’ll feel loved and wanted again. And they’ll feel bad for thinking ill of me, which they’ll probably compensate for by being even more well-disposed toward me than usual. So if I keep doing this every Christmas, people will eventually feel so much affection for me that they will probably erect statues of me when I’m in my old age. I could get canonized! I could become the next Princess Diana!*

7. Finances. I won’t need to buy cards until the last minute, by which time I’ll know exactly how many I need. So none will be wasted. So I’ll be saving money. That’s money that I can spend on other Christmas things like candles that get brought out once a year that nobody ever lights, or those owl baubles that my wife saw (because nothing says Christmas more than a rodent-terrorising bird of prey hanging from a tree). By leaving the cards until the last moment, I’m going to be better off financially, and I’m going to benefit in many, many other ways too. I’m a genius! A mean genius. I’m a meanius!

*But my mother-in-law won’t be on the stamps.

December 23, 2010
7 Reasons It’s A Disaster England Lost The Bid To Host The 2018 World Cup

1. Qualifying. England have got to do it. And that’s worrying. Ever so often they cock it up. And the qualifying campaign for the 2018 World Cup could be the ever so often.

2. Scotland. Russia have won the bid. That is one hell of a long way to go to just to put in a spirited performance – albeit in defeat – against Brazil and then lose 4-0 to Japan. They could have lost at St. James’ Park and then slipped back over the border unnoticed.

3. England. Russia is a long way to go to lose on penalties to Portugal. We could quite easily have done that at home. Or in Portugal. And the players could have done it without wearing gloves.

4. Children. Given that 66% of children think ‘The War Of The Roses’ has something to do with those sweets that aren’t Quality Street, England hosting the 2018 World Cup would have been the perfect opportunity for the BBC to do those profiles of the host country. Like they did in South Africa. They would have taught the youth of the year after the next seven all about England’s rich heritage. Instead they are going to learn about Russian dolls. And I don’t mean Anna Kournikova.

5. Economy. Let me be the first to tell you that Russia is three hours ahead of the UK. That means games during our afternoons. You can bet your last fiver that England will be playing Cameroon on a Wednesday afternoon at about 2pm BST. And it’s a game they are going to have to win having previously lost 2-1 to Romania and drawn 0-0 with a country no one has even heard of. Despite the fact that we will be rubbish, people will still be skipping work to watch the game. It’ll be enough to plunge us into a recession. Probably the same one we are in now.

6. Press. If England do make it through to the World Cup, for one whole day Sky News will be covering the ‘England Leave For Russia’ story. We’ll have to endure watching the England players walk up some steps and onto a plane. Probably followed by Gazza with a fishing rod and a bucket of chicken. Then six hours later we’ll have to watch them walked off the plane in Moscow. Followed by a drunk Gazza with a fishing rod and no chicken.

7. It’s Coming Home! If England had won the bid, we could have listened to this song while it made sense. Now, we’ll have to listen to it trying to work out how Russia is the home of football. And Baddiel and Skinner will be 54 and 61 respectively. They’ll have probably gone all Chas’n’Dave on us.

December 2, 2010
7 Reasons The UK Owes Ireland

If you are British, you may be asking why our Government is helping to bail out Ireland. Well wonder no longer. It is quite simple. Ireland has given so much to the UK. So much. We owe them.

1. Music. ‘Some people say I look like me dad. What?! Are you serious?’ As I am sure you are all aware, they are the very first lines of the B*Witched classic, C’est le vie. And it’s only by listening to those words that you can really appreciate just how good The Spice Girls actually were. And that has to be a worth rewarding, doesn’t it?

2. Alcohol. From Guinness to Baileys to Bulmers/Magners and back to Guinness again. The Irish know how to drink. Sadly, many Briton’s don’t, which is why…

3. Hurling – a pursuit played out on the fields of Ireland – has become particularly popular on the streets of the UK. Just after closing time. And that in turn is why the British paracetamol industry remains so strong. Thanks Ireland.

4. James Bond. It is not often said that Pierce Brosnan did for Britain’s finest secret agent what Nasser Hussain did for the England Cricket team, but it’s true. Both picked up a beleaguered enterprise and through sheer bloody mindedness and the help of their respective peers in the form of Dame Judi Dench and Duncan Fletcher, turned it into something quite beautiful. Or at least passable. Better than it was anyway. And for that we should be eternally thankful. No one wants to watch Licence To Kill followed by the 1989 Ashes highlights.**

5. Sir Terry Wogan. Not only did he provide a superior earful for the more sophisticated radio listener than say Christopher Moyles, he also made the debacle that is The Eurovision Song Contest relatively enjoyable. Mainly because he talked over both presenters and songs alike. While slowly getting sloshed on whiskey. And getting away with it. He also introduced me to Gina G. And when you are twelve you like that kind of thing.

6. Leprechauns. Oddly, and rather ridiculously in my opinion, the people of the UK seem to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day more than St. George’s Day, St. Andrew’s Day and St. David’s Day combined. But at least on 17th March Trafalgar Square is full of honorary Leprechauns instead of bloody pigeons.

7. Home Comforts. Wherever I have been in the world, I always find an Irish pub. Not on purpose, it’s just there. Being all Irish at me. And it’s a nice feeling. Not because it adds to the ambiance of the street, but because I know I’ve found somewhere to watch the rugby. And for that I have always been eternally thankful.

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**If ever you wanted an example of a reason where I start writing without an idea of where it is heading, this is it.

November 22, 2010
7 Reasons Prince Harry Should Get Married Right Away

1. Brothers. I am going to state a well-known fact here, so bear with me. It’s important. Harry is younger than William. As an older brother myself, I like to try and set an example for my younger sibling to follow. What I don’t like, is when he goes off at his own tangent and out does me by doing it his way. Which is what he did with exams. And girls. It basically makes me feel like a loose part. The thing is though, he bloody loved it. And he’s not alone. All younger siblings like getting one over their elders. And what better way for Harry to ‘reign’ on William’s parade, by getting married now? To some girl called Bianca. From Essex.

2. Hyperbole. Unless you have been stuck on the toilet since early Tuesday morning, you will have seen the hyperbolic attention that the pending marriage between William and Kate has received. (I was very tempted to write hyperbollocks, but didn’t as my Mum might learn how to use a computer one day and read this). Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I am not very happy for them, I am. Indeed, in my role as a proud Briton and appreciator of our history I will no doubt raise a Pimm’s on the day. It’s just that so much has been spoken and yet so much of it is just nonsense. On Wednesday Jeremy Vine decided that the discerning Radio 2 listener had the ability to offer our future Queen advice. I switched off. I may be very wide of the mark, but I suspect that should Miss Middleton need advice she is far more likely to phone her Mum than download a Jeremy Vine podcast. And basically, my point is that Prince Harry should get married now, so that we don’t have to listen to all this claptrap again in five years.

3. Journalism. It’s a headline writer’s dream. You probably haven’t realised this yet, what with Wills’ wedding overshadowing absolutely everything, and not caring and all, but Harry rhymes with marry. That’s right! We can expect to see Happy Harry to Marry (Daily Mail), A Harriage Made In Heaven (Daily Star), and Son of Murdered Diana to Wed (Daily Express). And now that there are civil partnerships his options aren’t limited to marrying a Carrie, he can marry a Barry or a Larry too. Or a Keith.

4. Tradition. Over the past century or so, royal standards have eroded to the point where it’s now commonplace for royals to marry commoners. That’s right; the likes of you. William is marrying one as well. But there’s still hope. Harry can turn back the tide of decay by choosing to have a proper royal marriage to a girl that he’s related to. And that will be a return to the grand royal tradition, to the days when the many crowned heads of Europe would assemble for important gatherings at which there would be several hundred attendees, but only one face, and the only way to distinguish between any of them would be their facial hair and – in the case of the Kaiser – his pointy helmet and his propensity to invade the drawing room.

Where's Willhelm?

5. Hair. Let’s face it, His Royal Highness, Prince Henry Charles Albert David of Wales has a ginger bonce. Given the family propensity for hair loss – and we have no reason to assume that this will skip a generation, none whatsoever – he’s likely to be both balding and ginger soon. He needs to marry at once in order to avoid looking like a cross between Patsy Palmer and Prince Edward in his wedding pictures, because there is nothing in Photoshop that can rescue that. Nothing.

6. Divorce. Whenever anyone gets divorced, it’s sad. Even if there is much jubilation from both parties. To think that once these two people loved each other so much that they wanted to make that vision of spending the rest of their lives together a reality. Or they met in Las Vegas. Either way, come the final separation, there is sadness. I defy anyone who says otherwise. Unfortunately, for whatever reason (again, probably seven) the incumbent Royal Family have a history of unhappy marriages. So much so that they have employed a designer to add a little sparkle to their divorce papers. Because it will almost certainly happen again. Though I think it is unlikely to be William and Kate. I suspect, if you walked into any betting shop, you would find the odds on Prince Harry getting divorced to be much shorter than those of his brother. And while I hope it doesn’t happen, it may. And if it does Prince Harry may wish to find someone else to spend his time with. Which leads me nicely onto the point of this reason. If Prince Harry marries right now, he has more time in the future if it goes wrong.

7. It’s The Economy, Stupid. In case you haven’t noticed, Britain is in a recession. And it isn’t going well. To cut costs, we’re going to share the defence of the realm with the French (which is actually a good idea…for a sitcom. Or for Germany) and, if the recession hits any harder we’ll have to take more drastic action: Swingeing health cuts or selling the Queen or something. But wait! According to esteemed financial publication, The Sun, the forthcoming wedding of Wills and Kate will boost the economy by a billion pounds. That’s right. A billion pounds. So if Harry gets married sharpish, that’ll be two billion pounds into the nation’s coffers. And if we can get them breeding, in twenty or thirty years time, with the resultant glut of royal weddings, Britain will once again become one of the most prosperous nations on the planet.*

*And we can all start wearing top hats again.**

**Except in the cinema.

November 19, 2010