Tag: Clothes

7 Reasons Standing Outside Female Fitting Rooms In Zara Is Awkward (For Men)

We’ve all been there. Female changing rooms. Women go in them. Men stand outside them. That, at least, is the usual practice. And it is certainly what I practised on Saturday. In Zara. And when I say it is what I practised, I don’t mean I went into Zara and practised standing outside the fitting rooms. That type of behaviour is strictly frowned upon and usually ends up with you being escorted from the shop by the police. Apparently. So no, I was not practising standing outside the fitting rooms. I was standing outside the fitting rooms in Zara because my girlfriend was inside the fitting rooms in Zara. And boy, is Zara awkward.

1. Positioning. It’s very difficult to know where to stand in Zara. I am no expert – if I was this post would have been called ‘7 Reasons I Laugh At Men Who Feel Awkward Outside Fitting Rooms In Zara’ – but I imagine the optimum place to stand must be at a 45 degree angle to the fitting room entrance. This, at least, is what I am trying to perfect. By standing at a 45 degree angle you can see out of the corner of your eye when your lady steps out of her cubicle to model her potential new outfit for you. It also means that you are not going to be staring at a lot of…

2. Other Women, who keep popping out of their cubicles. I have made the mistake of looking directly at the fitting room entrance before and it’s not a pleasant sight. Quite why other women seem so determined to try and fit into dresses that are at least two sizes too small for them is way above my level of intellect. But this isn’t really the awkward bit. The awkward bit is when the other women see you looking at them with your eyebrows raised. Or your mouth wide open. Or your head shaking. Or your shoulders lifting up and down as if to suggest you may be trying to suppress a titter. Which, coincidentally, is what many of them seem to be trying to do too. Obviously, if you do catch their eyesight, then you quickly look away. Which is when you notice the…

3. Mirrors. So now, instead of looking at other people, you are staring at your reflection. Which seems a little odd so you look to the other side of the fitting rooms. Where there is another bloody mirror. What is it with Zara and mirrors? They are all over the place. And the one you are using now is also being used by a women. So now you are staring at a reflection of a woman trying on a jacket. And now she has noticed you staring at a reflection of her trying on a jacket. And so has her husband. Which is when you turn back to the other mirror. Now you have a choice. Remain fixed on a reflection of you and you alone or look directly at the fitting rooms? Remember, you can’t stare at the floor, look the other way or run because your lady could step out of her cubicle at any moment. And you must be there. Given my previous with staring directly at the fitting rooms. I go for the looking at myself in a mirror option. I’ve done that before. And it hasn’t felt awkward since my Mum caught me singing along to Elvis with a comb. Thankfully, I don’t have a comb with me on this occasion, so instead I try and work out whether my shoulders are more sculpted than before or whether it’s one of those funny mirrors. I then realise someone else is hoping to use the mirror and so I have no option but to turn back to looking directly at the fitting room. This is where you have to resort to Plan Z. The phone. As…

4. Behaviour whilst waiting for someone goes, looking at your phone is the worst kind. Looking at your phone not only screams, ‘I am waiting for someone and I feel awkward,’ it also says, ‘I am bored’. Which is not good. Especially if that is the moment when your lady needs your attention. There is a way to rectify this however. I have named it the ‘look at your invisible phone’ technique. Basically it involves you, pretending you are looking at your phone. Or, in layman’s terms, just looking downwards a bit. You can also throw in some robot dance moves if you feel inclined, but most don’t. The good thing about the invisible phone/looking downwards move is that your periphiral vision still takes in your lady’s location in the fitting room. This is all well and good until you sense there is…

5. Another Man Waiting. This really shouldn’t be a problem. But ridiculously it makes it far more awkward. Not only are you are both checking on the behaviour of the other person to see if you can pick up any good ‘waiting outside fitting room’ tips, you are now in direct competition. You are both proud of your lady and you want to show the other guy that you are the better boyfriend/husband. Unfortunately, this means telling your lady that she looks wonderful in whatever she steps out of the fitting room wearing. Even if you’re not 100% sure about it. That’s until one of you decide you need to step up and show your relationship really is based on honesty about clothes. You need to show that your lady respects your opinion and if you aren’t sure about something she won’t feel let down. Which is when she steps out of the fitting room and you immediately say, ‘I’m not sure about that sweetheart. It’s not you at all.’ And then she scowls at you and you realise it’s what she has been wearing all day. Still, it could have been worse. You could have been standing outside the fitting rooms with…

6. Other Women. And this really is awkward. You feel awkward not just because you keep thinking, ‘Am I standing in the right place? How should I be acting? What the hell is she wearing?’ but because you are never 100% sure what they are thinking. Are they thinking, ‘That’s nice. I wish my boyfriend/husband was happy waiting for me in Zara instead of hanging around in HMV’? Or, are they thinking, ‘I wish security would come and remove this pervert’? I’ll be honest, the latter makes one feel very awkward. Especially when they wander off in the direction of an important looking person. You’re just waiting for a tap on the shoulder. Which is when you realise that your lady has been in the fitting room for a long…

7. Time. What is she doing in there? Is she okay? What happens if her hair has got stuck in a zip and she is now stuck? Do I phone her up? Do I ask a member of staff to go and check? Do I wander down and find out for myself? A knot twists in your stomach. She might be stuck with a dress over her head and you’re not doing anything. You’re just standing here. Feeling awkward. And now you’re feeling awkward for feeling awkward. Why? What have men done to be punished like this? Why does Zara punish men like this? When will this torture end?

September 21, 2010
7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Use The Washing Machine

1. Odd socks. Wearing odd socks is not really the done thing. It looks strange and makes people avoid you. The problem is that it’s really not your fault. If the washing machine understood that eating a sock is not part of the deal when you use the machine, then you could walk around like a normal person. That sounds like fun, doesn’t it?

2. Communication Destroyer. They are loud and clanky bits of machinery are washing machines, so much so that you may struggle to hear the wife when she asks, ‘Have you seen the cat?’

3. Vision Depletor. It doesn’t take much, just a dodgy washing machine door and too much soap powder. Before you know it, the suds have built up to uncontainable levels, pushed the door open and filled the room with white floaty stuff. As fun as it is to play around in, it won’t be long before you’ve collided with the blender.

4. Back Injury Hazard. The majority of duvets are light. In weight I mean, not colour. Though some are light in weight and colour – which is to be applauded I suppose. But when you’ve stopped applauding, let’s get back to my point. Duvets are light. They can be tossed into the machine and one does not need to adhere to correct tossing procedures. However, upon washing machine cycle completion, something has happened. The once light duvet, is now heavy. Not only is it wet, it has also eaten everything else in the machine. To remove said duvet, one should adhere to heavy object lifting protocol. But does one? No one does not. Silliness.

5. DIY Fail. I am convinced the traditional washing machine is made out of parts of a space-shuttle. How else can you explain it’s complete disregard for gravity? When I switch my washing machine on, I expect it to stay next to the sink, not head off down the kitchen towards the oven. Nor do I expect it to chip away at the tiling on the way.

6. Administration Fail. I have a filing system for receipts. It’s called the back pocket of my jeans. Usually I find these much easier to read when they are dry. Not when they have been reduced to little bits of paper and apparently superglued to every other item of clothing I have just pulled from the machine.

7. Not Every Day Is Valentine’s Day. Presenting your girlfriend/wife with pink lingerie may be seen as a romantic gesture one day a year, but it gets a bit repetitive if it happens everytime you use the washing machine. The secret is to make sure there is no red sock in with the whites. Apparently.

May 11, 2010
7 Reasons That Golf Is The Wrong Sport For Businessmen

Businessmen play a lot of golf, and business golf is a accepted part of business culture – there are even books about it. Here are 7 reasons that golf is the wrong sport for businessmen.

1. Location. Business takes place in the city – an urban environment – but golf takes place in the suburbs or in rural environs. Therefore, golf is in the wrong place. As a businessman, this means you have to travel to the golf course. What you need is a sport that you can play in cities, thus saving travel-time and expense. Snooker or pool would be ideal. After all, things always go better with a drink and you’ll have a big table that you can put your paperwork on.

2. Stuff. Golf requires an astonishing amount of equipment. There’s all manner of paraphernalia to lug around – so much of it, in fact, that you need to carry an enormous golf-bag, or hire a man to carry it for you. Some people even use electric buggies (a whole special car to convey golf equipment!). This is clearly ridiculous. Carrying your golf equipment around is incompatible with being businesslike. What you need is sports equipment that fits into a briefcase. A Frisbee is perfect.

3. Assessment If you compete against potential business partners over a few holes of golf, what are you really learning about them? That they don’t like to get their pink trousers muddy? That they can chat about very little while waiting to tee off? A more challenging sport will teach you far more about them. Rugby union, for example. You’ll learn far more about your potential business partner’s drive, desire, sense of ethics and commitment when he’s growling, biting your ear and trying to remove your testicles with his hand or when he’s spear-tackling your head of marketing. Rugby union is a team game. There’s no “I” in rugby union. Well, there is, but someone will poke it out sooner or later.

4. Clothes. Golf requires you to physically exert yourself. Golf also requires a different set of clothes than business. This means that you have to shower and change once your round of golf has finished. This is inefficient use of time. This is time you could spend working and earning money. Unless, that is, you earn your money in the men’s changing rooms, in which case…er…er…do carry on.

5. Women. You don’t see women heading out to the golf course to “network” or play “business golf”; they usually prefer to conduct their business at their business premises, and it’s quite hard to fault that sort of logic. If you’re playing business golf, you’re doing business very inefficiently – as you’re only meeting men. You need to be in an environment that’s agreeable to both sexes. I don’t know what that place is, but there must be at least one, even if it is always at the wrong temperature.

6. Length. Golf takes too long. It takes you out of the office for hours. If you must use the company’s time to participate in sport, you could find one that takes less time. 100 metre sprinting is a quick sport. Here’s how to combine it successfully with business: Walk to a point that’s 100 metres away from your desk, then run back to your desk as fast as you can; because that’s where you should be – at your desk – getting work done.

7. Displacement. Is your work really so dull and frustrating that you need to go to a field and repeatedly smack a ball with a stick? Aren’t you just avoiding work when you’re playing golf? If you didn’t hang around on the golf course “working”, then your actual working day would be so much shorter and you could spend your free time doing what you really want to do. Spending more time with your family or…er…playing golf.

March 31, 2010
7 Reasons To Love A Cardigan

1. The Shirt. It’s a bit annoying when you put on a nice shirt, just to cover it up with a sweater. The Cardigan, whether buttoned up or not, shows off that shirt. It sounds simple, but if you are wearing a sweater you may as well wear a string vest with ‘I Love Freddie Mercury’ emblazoned across it.

2. The Band. They were pretty decent. But they’d have been pretty average without one Cardigan in particular. That Cardigan was Nina Persson. The lead singer. Without her, songs such as Lovefool and My Favourite Game, would not have featured lyrics.

3. The Dog. No one is going to tell me that the Cardigan Welsh Corgi was not made for riding.

4. The Balaclava. Cardigans go well with Balaclavas. Don’t take it from me. Take it from the Russians. During the Battle of Balaclava they watched in delight as Lord Cardigan led the Charge of the Light Brigade down through the Valley of Death. The Cardigan/Balaclava look – as depicted in many an artist’s impression – remains a classic.

5. The Coast. Whether it’s a Welsh town or a fishing community in Eastern Kings County, Prince Edward Island, Canada, you are always going to experience the sea breeze rushing through your hair. You are also going to get bloody cold.

6. The Film. Who can’t get excited by this? Cardigan. The Film. A middling period drama that takes place in pre-Revolutionary War times and relies quite a lot on the audience’s patriotism for its interest. Michael Cardigan is one of many American inhabitants who doesn’t want to be under the King’s rule. However, he’s in love with Felicity – the ward of the English governor. As the friction between the Tories and the Colonists builds, Cardigan finds himself fighting for both a new country and for Felicity’s love. Along the way, he exposes the treachery of Captain Butler and is almost burned at the stake by Indians sympathetic to the British. Then Paul Revere makes his famous ride, the battles of Lexington and Concord are fought and the Red Coats are sent packing. Eventually Cardigan and Felicity are reunited. See, I’m excited.

7. The Hike. Everyone likes a hike now and then. Especially if it isn’t going to be too knackering. There is only one place that offers such a comfort and that is in the middle of New Hampshire. Peaking at only 962 metres, Mount Cardigan is perfect for a day out. Especially if you are a base jumper whose parachute fails to open correctly.

January 12, 2010