We’re going wild and breaking out of the format today. This post was brought to our attention by Brad B. Wood of our favourite indie band, Merchandise.
Since this piece was written, society has progressed and become more sophisticated, and we now know that 7 is the correct number of reasons. But, while it doesn’t contain the right number of reasons, we can’t really ask the writer to make any changes as he’s been dead for 220 years. Pick your least favourite reason and forget you saw it.
Today’s guest post comes from author, printer, satirist, political theorist, politician, scientist, inventor, civic activist, statesman, soldier, diplomat, sixth President of the Supreme Executive Council of Pennsylvania, twenty-third Speaker of the Pennsylvania Assembly, United States Minister to France, United States Minister to Sweden and First United States Postmaster General, Benjamin Franklin. We don’t know how he found time to research this, but we’re glad he did.
1. Because as they have more knowledge of the world and their minds are better stored with observations, their conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable.
2. Because when women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their influence over men, they supply the diminution of beauty by an arguement of utility. They learn to do 1000 services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing as an old woman who is not a good woman.
3. Because there is no hazard of children, which irregularly produced may be attended with much inconvenience.
4. Because the more experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an intrigue to prevent suspicion. The commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the affair should happen to be known, considerate people might be inclined to excuse an old woman who would kindly take care of a young man, form his manners by her good counsels, and prevent his ruining his health and fortune among mercenary prostitutes.
5. Because every animal that walks upright, the deficiency of the fluids that fills the muscles appears first in the highest part. The face grows lank and wrinkled, then the neck, the the breast and arms, the lower parts continuing to the last as plump as ever. So that covering all above with a basket, and regarding only what is below the girdle, it is impossible of two woman to know an old one from a young one. And as in the dark all cats are grey, the pleasure of corporal enjoyment with an old woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every knack being by practice capable of improvement.
6. Because the sin is less. The debauching a virgin may be her ruin, and make her for life unhappy.
7. Because compunction is less. The having made a young girl miserable may give you frequent bitter reflections, none of which can attend making an old woman happy.
8th and lastly. They are so grateful.
