7 Reasons

Tag: BOXING

  • 7 Reasons To Climb A Mountain

    7 Reasons To Climb A Mountain

    1.  Measure It. Nothing excites me more than when the end of year mountain height measurements are released. Is Everest still 8848 metres tall? Is Ben Nevis still the biggest in Britain? So many questions answered in one PDF. Obviously these figures aren’t just made up. Someone has to use a tape measure and a long stick.

    2.  Picnics. Nothing beats a picnic with a spectacular view. Of clouds. I know you can get this type of view atop a grassy hillock, but it is far more exciting trying to eat while simultaneously struggling to breathe.

    3.  Photo Opportunity. Let’s be honest, a facebook profile picture of you standing atop a mountain looks so much more impressive than a self portrait you have done of yourself at home. You know the one I mean. The one that took 30 attempts to get right and then ten minutes of cropping so your outstretched arm isn’t showing.

    4.  Getting Home To Babe. Because there ain’t no mountain. No mountain high enough. No valley low enough. To stop you from getting to baby. So you may as well go and climb one. Babe will be so much more impressed when you tell them that you took a shortcut across the top of Scaffold Pike* to get to the restaurant.

    5.  Eye Of The Tiger. Eye Of The Tiger, Rock. Climbing a mountain is one thing. Running up it is even better. Especially if you are making a movie about a boxer. Or indeed if you are just plain daft.

    6.  You’re Hot. No, not in the Sandra Bullock way. If you are hot in the Sandra Bullock way you can ignore all mountains and just come straight round to mine. You won’t even have to wipe your feet. I mean hot as in temperature hot. In other words you need to cool down. Common sense tells you that it’s much colder up a mountain.

    7.  No Pain, No Gain. There are a couple of ways to get blister repellent feet. One is to chop them off. The other is to build up calluses. You can do this by walking. Barefoot. Up mountains. Yes, it’ll hurt the first few hundred times you do it, but eventually your feet will have Zola Budd written all over them.

    *Yes, I know it’s Scafell Pike. Scaffold Pike is a clever play on words. What with scaffolding being something you climb. Clever, yes.

  • 7 Reasons David Slew Goliath (On Points)

    7 Reasons David Slew Goliath (On Points)

    1. Dizziness. Valuev spent the whole fight looking down at the top of Haye’s head. Haye had cleverly styled his hair with cornrows. Basically Valuez was looking at lines all night. Lines make you dizzy. Eventually it caught up with him and he wobbled all over the place in the final round.

    2. Testosterone. Valuev’s levels were off the scale. This is proven by the fact that he had shaved his back before the start of the fight but by the end of the third round all his hair had grown back. It caused too much drag and meant he was unable to move around the ring as quickly as he had planned.
    3. Tactics. Haye damaged his hand in the second round. This meant he didn’t throw any punches. Not throwing punches meant Valuev didn’t get hurt. Not getting hurt meant Valuev didn’t get annoyed. Not being annoyed meant Valuev didn’t have to flatten Haye. Haye won because he accidentally jabbed his opponent in the 6th round when he went to wave at someone in Row 16. It was enough.
    4. It’s all in a name. Haye’s nickname is the Hayemaker. Clever. It sounds fierce. It sounds dangerous. It has ‘Champion’ written all over it. Valuev’s nickname is The Russian Bear. Everyone likes a bear. Bears are soft and cuddly. Hence the popular phrase, “Come here you big bear”.
    5. Time difference. The fight was in Germany. It started at 11pm German time. This was fine for Haye. His body clock assumed it was 10pm. But Valuev’s said 2am. You only fight well at 2am after a few pints. And Valuev doesn’t drink pints.
    6. Giants are nice. Valuev is a giant. Like the Jolly Green Giant. Or the Big Friendly Giant. Or, James Bond’s nemesis turned pal, Jaws. They are completely misunderstood and actually very nice people. Too nice to hit anyone. I strongly expect Valuev to go the way of Jaws and fall in love with an impossibly small lady on a spacestation.
    7. It was scripted. This had Rocky IV written all over it. East versus West. Big Guy versus Little Guy. Vodka versus Caffeine-Based Hot Beverage. It was never in any doubt and shows the genius that is Sylvester Stallone was so ahead of his time.
    Like Valuev, did I miss anything?