Tag: bond

007 Reasons to be a Bond Villain

James Bond: Suave, sophisticated, international jet-setting spy and cultural icon. Every boy wants to grow up to be like Bond. But isn’t he just a tad dull? Wouldn’t it be much more fun to be a Bond villain? Of course it would. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Clothes. James Bond dresses well. He usually wears smart-casual gear when he isn’t working, or a bespoke suit if he is. As nice as they are though, they’re still the clothes of an office worker. Bond villains can wear whatever they want – they’re the boss. Usually they eschew convention and go for a light-brown suit with a Nero-collar, a light-brown Mao-suit or a light-brown safari-suit. No one makes fun of them though, they might end up as anaconda food. Bond villains can wear whatever they like without criticism, even light-brown.

2. Pets. Bond villains often have pets. Usually it’s a cat, which is good, or sometimes it’s a shark, which is probably higher maintenance and less fun to stroke, but still good. James Bond has never had a pet, which is a bit weird.

3. Girls. Most Bond girls are employed by the villain, not by Bond. So if you’re the villain, you can choose whichever Bond girls you like. We have chosen Jennifer Aniston.

Caress O’Hare regarded the tall, well dressed, unconscious newcomer as he was dragged into the sumptuous office. Her emotions a heady cocktail of disdain and desire, she leaned provocatively against the front of the large desk, her miniskirt displaying her lustrous, shapely legs to full advantage. The henchmen tied the man – still attired in formal evening wear, two small drops of blood visible on the front of his white shirt – to a chair facing the desk. The burlier of the henchmen took a soda syphon from atop a filing cabinet and began to spray water into the man’s face. Bond came-to suddenly, shaking his head to dispel the liquid and exhaling to clear it from his mouth, sending a fine spray in her direction. “You bitch!” he exclaimed angrily as the water cleared from his eyes. The henchman replaced the soda syphon. From the seat behind the desk a deep, clear voice spoke.

“You have meddled enough in our affairs, Mr Bond, and have now outlived your usefulness. However, we are gentlemen. We won’t kill you if you give us seven reasons that we should spare your life.”

“Seven!” Bond was incredulous. “You inhuman monster! That’s impossible!”

As the henchmen dragged Bond away to the tank of killer cows, Caress O’Hare turned to her employer, the man with the golden bicycle. “He was a fine figure of a man, you never let me have any fun.”

“Never mind that feeble-minded establishment thug,” he said brusquely, “I have decided that we shall be married.”

“That’s wonderful,” she replied, touching her hair, “I’ve always wanted to be more than Friends.”

4. Accommodation. Bond lives in a poky London flat and, when traveling, stays at a series of dull hotels. Bond villains get to live in bunkers where people in colourful boiler suits drive Mini Mokes, in futuristic houses that rise up from the sea, in space, in a volcano, in mansions, in a house full of ladies on top of a mountain, Bond villains dwell in all sorts of cool places. These homes are stacked to the rafters with shiny stuff and amazing gadgets. The best gadget in Bond’s flat is probably his electric tie-rack.

5. Exertion. Bond has to work out a lot. There’s always some sort of emergency that requires him to show off his chest or chase things. Bond villains, on the other hand, don’t have to strip to the waist for spurious reasons and they never, ever run. They sometimes even get a monorail that transports them around their own house. Bond villains can relax and eat a pie whenever they like. Bond villains can be lazy.

6. Imagination. Bond likes to keep his killing simple, preferring to shoot people or push them off cliffs. Bond villains take a far more creative approach to inflicting death on people. Their elaborate schemes involve lasers, computers, submarines, spaceships, missiles, satellites and command centres chock-full of machines that beep, flash, whir and spin. Bond is a dullard; Bond villains are imaginative.

7. Lines. James Bond can tell you his name, own name, and how he would like his vodka-martini prepared. That’s about as eloquent as he gets. Bond villains, in contrast, spout pithy lines of intelligence, malevolence and wit. Their lines are far superior to the semi-articulate drivel spouted by Bond.

Blofeld: I had heard that you were dead.
Bond: This is my second life.
Blofeld: You only live twice, Mr. Bond.

December 15, 2009
7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Wear A Tie

1. It causes a rash. When you’re the cool kid at your school, people expect you to do things differently, to be a bit rebellious. To subvert convention, you wear your black, orange and electric-blue striped polyester school tie with the thin end at the front. This means that you have to tuck the thick end into your shirt. You spend four long years at secondary school with a painful rash on your chest. You are cool though.

2. It hampers nudism. If a nudist dons a tie, he ceases to become a nudist, he becomes a weirdo.

3. It is disrespectful to Alan Hansen. Have you noticed something about football-pundits? They all wear shirts without ties. All of them, on every channel. They stopped wearing them at some point in the ‘90s. We believe that this was a football-pundit gesture of solidarity with Alan Hansen whose tie, along with his shoelaces, had been confiscated for his own safety when his “You’ll never win anything with kids” statement was disproved so emphatically and publicly. This is also why they never show the pundits’ shoes.

4. It can be dangerous. Ties can be dangerous, especially around the office.

Having been lured into a bedroom in an Austrian palace by a scantily-clad Jennifer Aniston, James Bond has been hit over the back of the head and knocked unconscious by her unseen accomplice. When he regains consciousness he finds himself in a nondescript office. He is bound at the wrists and ankles. He is seated and flanked by two burly henchmen. He faces the bad guy who sits behind a desk on top of which Bond can see a red telephone, a large rubber-band ball and a paper shredder. The henchmen take hold of him under the arms, pull him to his feet, and drag him to the front of the desk. One of the henchmen inserts the end of Bond’s tie into the top of the paper shredder which springs to life instantly, slowly dragging Bond inexorably toward it. Shocked and intimidated, his tie tightening, with beads of sweat visible on his brow, Bond enquires, “Do you expect me to talk, Bronzethumb?” The bad guy replies, “No Mr Bond, I expect you to tie-die.”

5. It causes moustaches. Hairy-chested lotharios can’t wear ties. They need to wear shirts – preferably yellow – with several buttons undone to expose their hairy-chests and large gold medallions. If lotharios were to wear ties, babes wouldn’t be able to ogle their chest hair and their gold pendants that depict an almost life-sized St. Christopher. Consequently, they would bed fewer chicks and would be forced to grow a Tom Selleck style moustache to demonstrate their rampant manliness instead.

6. It is phallic. It looks a bit like your penis. It points to your penis. Do you really want to draw attention to your penis?

7. It is unhygienic. Ties catch food. Everyone drops food on their tie. If they weren’t wearing ties the food would land on their shirts, which would be good. Then they could just put the shirt in the washing machine and get a clean one out of the wardrobe. Ties are usually made of silk and are always dry clean only, so people don’t remove them after a jam spill, they just rub at them for a bit with a damp cloth until the stain is less visible. The food stain eventually gathers bacteria and people go through life wearing bacteria-harbouring ties. What do people do before they arrive at the meeting? They straighten their ties. What do people do when they arrive at the meeting? They all shake hands. What do people do after the meeting? They become ill and die a hideous tie-bacteria inflicted death. What they don’t do at any point is take their ties to the dry-cleaners. Nobody does. Ever. You don’t either.

November 23, 2009
7 Reasons That Christopher Walken is Great.

1. Hair. Christopher Walken’s hair is amazing, it’s thick, lustrous and full. It’s always slightly odd though. It’s never styled in a way that anyone would choose to have their hair done. Have you ever heard anyone ask their hairdresser for “a Walken”? Of course you haven’t. To strengthen his hair, he pulls it for ten minutes per day. Christopher Walken’s hair is strong. And weird. Christopher Walken’s hair is probably the only thing that can beat Chuck Norris in a fight.

2. He’s funny. Christopher Walken is hilarious. Watch this.

3. The Deer Hunter. Christopher Walken is amazing in The Deer Hunter, managing to outshine both Robert De Niro and Meryl Streep – he even holds his own when performing next to John Cazale, which is the best any actor can hope for. He looks like an angel in the early stages of the film, which makes his eventual descent into despair and ultimate disintegration all the more poignant and harrowing. He actually spat in De Niro’s face in one scene, which came as quite a surprise to a furious De Niro. That’s brave. Christopher Walken is so good in The Deer Hunter that they should have given him more than one Best Supporting Actor Oscar for it. At least three…no, four.

4. He’s a betty. It’s beginning to look like 7 Reasons(.org) has a bit of a man-crush on Christopher Walken. We should point out that ladies like him too. We have shown this clip to ladies and ladies have told us that he is a betty, which is a good thing, apparently.

5. Bond. In View to a Kill, Christopher Walken was the best Bond villain ever, playing a Nazi-eugenics-created psychopath who, when he wasn’t giving drugs to horses or sleeping with Grace Jones, spent his time cruising the San Francisco Bay area in his dirigible, hurling businessmen into the sea. During filming of View to a Kill, Roger Moore had to have his hair thickened every day. Christopher Walken did not.

6. The Watch. Pulp Fiction is a fantastic film, containing many fine actors and performances. Here’s how Walken totally steals the show during his four minutes on screen.

7. Delilah. We genuinely believe that this is what goes on in Christopher Walken’s head.

November 22, 2009