7 Reasons

Tag: Bears

  • Russian Roulette Sunday: In Case of Bear

    Russian Roulette Sunday: In Case of Bear

    The Russian Roulette Sunday LogoIt occurred to us that, although we’ve shown you how not to deal with a bear in the past, we’ve never shown you how to deal with a bear.   Until now…

  • 7 Reasons to Ignore “Official” Advice on Mountain Lions and Bears

    7 Reasons to Ignore “Official” Advice on Mountain Lions and Bears

    Friend of 7 Reasons, Simon Best, spotted this yesterday in the Rocky Mountain National Park newspaper.  It’s 7 Ways to Protect Yourself From a Mountain Lion or a Bear.

    A picture of an article from the Rocky Mountain National Park Newspaper

    At 7 Reasons, we read anything that comes in sevens, but there was something about the advice in this article that didn’t seem quite right.  In fact, all of the suggestions contained in the article raised our suspicion.

    We’ve scrutinised it carefully, and we are of the firm opinion that this article is a trap, written by hungry bears and mountain lions to dupe gullible tourists into feeling at ease when walking in the Rocky Mountain National Park.   Here’s what we suspect was in their minds when they wrote this diabolical document:

    1.  “Travel in groups and make much noise as you hike.  Keep your group, especially children, close together.”  Travel en masse (because we are hungry mountain lions and bears) and make much noise (this will make you easy for us to find).  Keep your group, especially children (who are fast) close together (this will cut down on the chasing.  We find the chasing tiring).

    2.  “Do not approach a mountain lion or a bear.”  Because we may be busy stealing picnic baskets or shitting in the woods.  Instead, we will approach you, when you least expect it.  Usually when you’re taking a nap or using the toilet yourself.  We find this hilarious.

    3.  “Stay calm when you see a mountain lion or bear”  Because agitated people don’t taste as nice.

    4.  “Stop; back away slowly.  Never turn your back and run.”  Move slowly (this makes you easier to catch.) Never turn your back and run (as you may startle the mountain lion that we have stationed behind you.  This will make him cross).

    5.  “Stand tall and look large.  Raise your arms.  Protect small children by picking them up.”  Stand tall and look large (you will be easy for us to see).  Raise your arms (easier).  Protect small children by picking them up (this saves us from having to bend down to eat them).

    6.  “If approached, make loud noises, shout, clap hands, clang pots and pans.”  We’re big fans of Stomp.  Perform for us before we dine.

    7.  “If attacked by a mountain lion or bear, fight back!”  And then we will tear you limb from limb; with our bear hands.

    So, to summarise, ignore the advice in this article as it might as well have Sponsored by the North American Association of Hungry Mountain Lions and Bears written at the bottom of it.  Oh, and be wary of bears and mountain lions, as they’re clearly up to no good.

  • 7 Reasons To Plan Your Picnic Carefully

    7 Reasons To Plan Your Picnic Carefully

    Bear Enjoys Picnic1.  Where Are You Going? If you are off to a day of Polo, you probably don’t want to be taking along some of Lidl’s less-than-finest Scotch Eggs. People will look down on you. Even if they are sitting down themselves. And at the other end of the scale, you probably don’t want to be taking along your Selfridges’ Hamper if you’ve managed to get a ticket for Millwall Football Club’s ‘Grand Day Out In Leeds’.

    2.  Do You Have Any Suncream? No? Good. No one is going to mistake it for the mayonnaise then.

    3.  How Much Food Do You Have? This isn’t so much about the number of bags you are taking with you, more the size of the blanket. You don’t want so much food that the only way you can sit down is by playing twister around the sausage rolls. Nor do you want so little food that you wish you’d just brought a flannel instead.

    4.  Do You, Or Anyone You Know, Suffer From Picnic Envy? It’s always a difficult one this, you are happily munching on a pork pie when you suddenly get a whiff of something quite extraordinary. Either than or you spin round and see someone with a better set of cutlery. It’s enough to ruin the atmosphere. And make you play Frisbee a bit closer to those with the Chicken Cordon Bleu than is strictly necessary.

    5.  Have You Checked The Weather Forecast? Even if it says it is going to be sunny and thirty degrees, you can be certain that it will rain. A practical solution, therefore, is to take all-weather food and drink. Melon for instance. And water. Sandwiches are a definite no-no and despite what people say, even the sturdiest of celery sticks can go limp in a thunderstorm.

    6.  Are You Fully Equipped? By this I mean, do you have the bottle opener/corkscrew? The one thing park rangers frown upon is picnickers trying to open a bottle of Cava using irregular practices. Like using the numberplate of their jeep.

    7.  Are You Going Into A Forest? Bears like food. They like people too.