7 Reasons

Tag: banking

  • 7 Reasons To Answer The Phone By Saying ‘Goodbye’

    7 Reasons To Answer The Phone By Saying ‘Goodbye’

    There are moments in life, when you wish you had not picked up your phone. And then there are moments when you don’t answer your phone and you wish you had. Thanks to 7 Reasons, that dilemma is now over. Here are 7 Reasons to say ‘Goodbye’ as soon as you pick up that phone.

    7 Reasons To Answer The Phone By Saying 'Goodbye'

    1.  Cold-Callers. Double-glazing, health insurance, wills, bouncy castles, grandmothers. People will try and sell you anything these days. And, no matter how much you try saying it, ‘no’ just doesn’t seem to work. Get in a ‘goodbye’ straight away and while they are baffled by your audacity, hang up.

    2.  Barclays. I am using Barclays as an example as I have had first-hand experience of their call centres. I am sure, however, you could substitute the company for any other business that has it’s call centre in a foreign clime. Barclays had the foresight to base its call centre in the subcontinent. Which would have been absolutely fine if it had then employed people who could speak English adequately. Unfortunately, they failed in this pursuit. If indeed it ever was a pursuit. I’m sorry, but I simply can not understand what the hell they are talking about half the time. Actually, make that ninety percent of the time. And that is not an environment conducive to conversation. It’s like a Liverpudlian meeting a Geordie in Birmingham. Painful. Given that I am not going to understand them and they are not going to understand me, it’s worth halting the proceedings before they’ve even started.

    3.  Sanity. Some people – normal people – have a habit of talking to themselves. They can’t help it, it’s just natural. No amount of determination, threat or hypnosis can stop them. Which is where we come in. If you suffer from this narcissistic problem, call yourself. As soon as you answer, say ‘goodbye’. It will be the closure you have been searching for.

    4.  Tossers. These are the people that just love to have the last word. So, if you get the last word in first, you’ve won.*

    5.  Reverse. Given that the most important details are spoken about at the beginning of most phone conversations – and they are then forgotten once you have discussed sport/shoes, sport/the next door neighbours and sport/Eastenders – it is surely worth reversing the whole event. Start by saying ‘goodbye’, then talk about sport/rubbish, then the important item and then finish with a cheery ‘Hello’ or another form of salutation.

    6.  It’s Over. Splitting up with your partner is never a particularly joyous occasion. Even if it means moving on to better things. Finding the right words and a suitable environment to break-up in, is not a straight-forward affair. Sure, the advent of facebook and the relationship status option has made things easier if you are shallow, but what if you’re not? What if you are someone who agonizes over such a situation? Well, the next time they call, it’s time to say ‘goodbye’. And when they phone back, say it again. Repeat until they get the message. (You could also text them).

    7.  Bargains. Who knows how the person who has just called you will react when you say ‘goodbye’, but if they misunderstand what you are saying they may rattle off a load of ‘good buys’. As a result, you may end up investing in a BMW, a George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine or a slice of carrot cake. And no one can really complain about that, can they?

    *Sometimes I astonish myself with my own genius.

  • 7 Reasons That The Westbourne Bank Protest Was Stupid

    7 Reasons That The Westbourne Bank Protest Was Stupid

    In Britain, it’s often said that we’re not very good at protesting, and we’re always compared unfavourably with the French in that regard.  But now, public protest in the UK has reached an all-time low because, last weekend, several men in Dorset bricked up the door of their local bank in what they claimed was a, “…protest against the reluctance of banks to lend money to small firms”.  Here are seven reasons that their protest was stupid.

    Barclays bank in Westbourne, Dorset, being bricked in by protesters (Cameron Hope)

    1.  They Went To The Wrong Bank.  The protesters wanted to brick up the door of the Westbourne branch of Natwest Bank because it had refused the group’s ringleader, Cameron Hope, a business loan.  But, when they arrived at the Natwest, the police were nearby, so the group decided to brick up the door of a different bank instead.  Barclays.  Now, if I do something that irritates my wife involving…ooh…I don’t know…umm…a bicycle, for example, and I’m not there when she finds out about it – or I’m standing near the police – I wouldn’t expect her to go and yell at a different man.  Because that would be crazy.  And irrational.  And yes, it would be much better if she did that, but that’s not the point.  Bricking up the door of a bank that they didn’t have a legitimate grievance with is just mad.  And counter-productive.

    2.  Prudence.  Okay, so the bank turned down Cameron Hope’s loan application.  What should he do?  Scrimp and save, perhaps.  Look at alternate ways of raising capital, or go to a different bank.  I’m not a businessman, but I wouldn’t choose to demonstrate my financial acumen and creditworthiness to another bank by frittering my money away on costly building materials and then use them to construct a monument to my own profligacy on their doorstep.  Because that’s not going to help.  And it’s a lot of effort.  He could have achieved the same effect by setting fire to twenty pound notes in front of the bank manager instead.  Far less trouble.

    3.  Put Simply.  The more money the bank has, the more they’ll lend, making it more likely that you’ll get a loan.  Conversely:  The less money the bank has, the less they’ll lend, making it less likely that you’ll get a loan.  So if you brick the door of the bank up, customers can’t take their money to the bank, and then the bank can’t lend it to you.  I realise that this is a highly simplistic, microeconomic description of banking, but I’m addressing it thus, to the protesters because of…

    4.  The Quote.  The quote tells us that the protesters don’t understand how banking works at all, because one of the group stated to journalists, “You go into a bank and there’s nothing there, the bank’s open but the safe is shut.” This is his summary of his grievance with the banking system; and it doesn’t really bear much scrutiny.  Because of course there’s nothing there.  What does this man expect to find in a bank?  Displays of money?  Shelf upon shelf of alluringly-arrayed notes and enticing floor-displays brimming over with a boundless abundance of shimmering coins?  And of course the safe is shut.  It’s a safe.  That’s its job.  If the bloody things weren’t meant to be shut they’d be called something different.  They’d be called unsafes.  Or vulnerables.

    5.  Helping The Bank.  The protesters bricked up the door of the bank on a Sunday:  A day when all banks are closed.  So this had no effect on the bank’s ability to trade.  In fact, one of the major obsessions and expenses of any bank is security, and by bricking up the door – and thereby making it more difficult for robbers to enter the premises – the protesters actually helped the bank.  Not to mention that their protest also brought the police along to stand outside in hi-vis jackets, which probably made the bank as safe as it’s ever been.  And all at no extra cost to the bank.  What are the protesters going to do next, try to bring down the Conservative party by voting for them?

    6.  Consequences.  Though the protest didn’t have any serious consequences, it could well have done.  The protesters could have endangered the nation’s economy.  By bricking up the door of the bank, they made it likely that employees would have to enter and exit the premises via the windows.  And, as history teaches us, bankers jumping out of windows is one of the worst economic indicators that there is.  Worse even than Alistair Darling’s eyebrows.  It’s the sort of thing that, if the media get hold of the footage, can shatter fragile economic confidence.

    7.  Achievement. As a protest against banking it doesn’t appear to have accomplished anything.  I was in the centre of a city yesterday, and banking appeared to be going on pretty much unhindered by the protest. People in polyester uniforms were sitting around near potted plants in waist-high partitioned areas looking depressed, as usual.  The cash machine outside was covered in the remnants of a McDonald’s milkshake, as usual.  I wanted to thump over 90% of the people in the queue, as usual; even myself.  So the protest has had no discernible effect on banking.  Obviously, the protest brought an awful lot of free publicity for the property developer behind it, but that wasn’t the point.  Because this was a protest against banking, right?  And not some sort of tawdry self-serving publicity stunt?

  • 7 Reasons to Hate Pigeons

    7 Reasons to Hate Pigeons

    A black and white lomograph of pigeons eating in Venice

    1.  Impudence. Pigeons poo on statues.  This is disrespectful.  They poo on Churchill, they poo on Nelson, they poo on Eros.  Pigeons poo on all of the nice statues of people and gods that we like.  Pigeons don’t poo on statues of Michael Winner or Margaret Thatcher.  This may be because we don’t have any, but if we did, pigeons probably wouldn’t poo on them, because pigeons are horrid and annoying.

    2.  Freeloading. We regularly hear stories (some of us have even witnessed this) of pigeons using London Underground trains to get across London.  Do they pay for this?  No.  These sponging vermin are using our transport system at our expense.  They didn’t help build it and they don’t contribute anything to its maintenance or running costs.  I have to carry an Oyster Card, so should they.  Let’s staple Oyster Cards to them.

    3.  Imagery. Pigeons are oft described as “winged rats.”  That’s “rats,” terrifying pointy-faced, sharp-toothed creatures.  That’s “winged,” which is one of the scariest words in the English language when pronounced as a word of two syllables, “wing-ed.”  “Wing-ed rats.”  It makes me shudder.

    A black and white lomograph of a flock of pigeons in the Piazza San Marco, Venice

    4.  Idiots. Pigeons attract idiots.  Look at this American woman in the Piazza San Marco, Venice.  She’s in one of the most beautiful parts of one of the world’s loveliest cities and she’s fascinated by the pigeons.  She’s clearly an idiot.  She could be looking at the Basilica, she could be looking at the Doge’s Palace, she could be looking at the Procuratie Vecchie but no, she’s looking at pigeons.  Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid bloody pigeon-woman.

    5.  War. Pigeon excrement was the only known source of saltpetre (potassium nitrate) in 16th century England.  Saltpetre is an essential ingredient in gunpowder, so if your Tudor house was damaged by canon-balls or if your copotain hat was knocked from your head by musket-shot five-hundred years ago, you can blame pigeons.

    6.  Emasculation. Wood pigeons are the larger, nobler cousins of the urban pigeon.  Historically these creatures, with their quite pleasant and distinctive call, have been content to live in trees far away from people (who do not live in trees).  Recently though, a pair of these creatures have moved in near to a house belonging to a friend of mine.  Their favourite game is to poo on the love of his life (his shiny, expensive German car) and then to sit on his garden fence cooing at him.  They do this every day.  Not unnaturally, this makes him very cross.  If he could get hold of them, he would probably tear their heads off in a murderous rage, but every time he approaches, they casually retreat to a safe distance and continue taunting him.  It is because of this that he is now known as The Pigeons’ Bitch.  And because of me, obviously.  He should never have told me.

    7.  Profiteering. The use of a fleet of trained carrier pigeons was instrumental in the allowing the Rothschild banking family to make vast fortunes during the Napoleonic wars.   They were able to manipulate financial markets for their own gain, based on having exclusive access to early information about the results of battles.  Pigeons filled the bankers’ wallet (the Reverend Spooner himself would have been proud of that one, and astonished by the mental image).