Tag: Bacon

Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Should Be Thinking About Long Term Memory Loss Now

Are you thinking about your long term memory today? You should be. A mind is a terrible thing to waste, and if you wait too long you won’t have any mind left to waste. Here’s why you shouldn’t go another instant without thinking about it.

1. You Won’t Be Able to Do it Later. Once your long term memory starts to go, you will no longer have the option of thinking about your long term memory. In fact, you’ll have difficulty thinking about anything at all. Once your memory starts to go, it’s awful hard to commit to thinking about anything in particular, least of all what you can do to improve your long term memory issues.

2. Your Brain is Falling Apart. Sorry, but as soon as you hit your mid twenties your brain is already on its way out. You know how as you get older you stop caring so much about what other people think? How you march to your own beat and feel comfortable with being an oddball? You might be telling yourself that it’s because you’re not a member of the pack, that you think for yourself. In reality, it’s the brain damage. Your frontal lobe, which gives you the ability to control your actions and reign in your impulses, starts to deteriorate. Better do everything you can to slow this process down.

3. You’ll Have Trouble Using Facebook. Imagine when you are older and you try to check your Facebook status. It’s going to become really difficult because you won’t remember your password, your email address, or who your friends are. You’ll try to contact the Facebook support team but you’ll discover that they don’t exist anymore because Facebook went extinct decades ago. Oh, and that the internet is now an amorphous cloud that people navigate using their scent glands.

4. It will be 2051 Tomorrow. If you don’t start thinking about your long term memory today, you might end up a few decades in the future tomorrow. It’ll be exciting to take a trip to the future at first, but you won’t actually have the option of coming back home, and you’ll be a lot older than you are now. Everybody will keep telling you what a great person you used to be and how wise you once were, but all that knowledge will be gone and they’ll be talking about some stranger that you’ve never met. At least you’ll be able to take the credit.

5. You Won’t Be Able to Hit On Anybody Anymore. You’ll discover that most of the people you are attracted to are now several orders of magnitude younger than you are, which will make it very difficult to date them. The only upside is that you won’t be able to remember all of the rejections you face. Sadly, you may also find yourself asking somebody out on a date only to discover with horror that they are related to you.

6. You’ll Forget to Water Your Plants. And that you had them in the first place. It won’t take long before your plants start to shrivel up and die, depositing themselves on the floor. You’ll look at the mess on your floor and wonder who put it there, and why. Then you will become self conscious and wonder if you did it. Pretty soon you’ll start condemning yourself for being such a lazy slob, or worse, you’ll blame somebody else who wasn’t responsible. Then you’ll tell yourself you need to hire a maid, and forget to call them.

7. You Will Forget How to Make Bacon. Can you imagine a world without bacon? Well you won’t have trouble imagining it after you lose your long term memory, because you will be incapable of fixing it for yourself. And don’t start saying that you’ll just go to a Denny’s and ask them for bacon, because you’ll forget what bacon is. That’s right, you’ll never know the joy of having a slice of thick cut, crispy, peppered bacon. It will be gone from your memory.

Now stop, and imagine eating a piece of bacon. Notice how your mouth starts watering in anticipation. Now imagine how much you would judge somebody who saw a piece of bacon and didn’t want to eat it. That person will be you, if you don’t start thinking about long term memory issues, today.

Author bio: Brenda Ankley is an avid blogger and contributes to a number of publications, including Assisted Living Today, a leading provider of information on a variety of elder care topics such as assisted living in Iowa.

February 15, 2012
7 Reasons To Look In The Mirror Before Leaving The House

The first thing to say about about today’s 7 Reasons post is that I feel very guilty for what I am about to write. What you are about to read is a savage attack on one elderly gentleman’s dress sense. An elderly gentleman who no doubt fought in the War just so I could live in a world where I am free to judge him. It’s hardly the way in which to offer thanks is it? And I honestly do feel somewhat ashamed for what appears below. The thing is though, if I don’t help this gentleman out, then Trinny and Susannah will. That is something I am not prepared to let happen. So, here we go. May I present a hero dressed terribly.

The more observant of you will note that this man is wearing an MCC blazer and bow tie. That’s because he is an MCC member and was yesterday evening at Lord’s watching Middlesex battle it out with Worcestershire. I wasn’t. I was at home watching it on Sky Sports. Which is where I saw the man, blinked, wondered if what I had just seen was real, rewound the TV, watched the footage again, found the man and hit pause. I then took the above photo. I am sure you can think of your own reasons, but here are my top seven as to why he really should have looked in the mirror.

1. Trousers (Part One). He’s wearing them quite high. And when I say quite high, I mean around his chest. Unless you take style tips from Simon Cowell that’s an odd place for the waistband to sit. And when I say odd, I mean bloody ridiculous. What happens if you are caught short – as I understand is a regular occurrence when you reach a certain age? Your fly will open somewhere around your belly button. That’s just asking for trouble. And a wet patch.

2. Trousers (Part Two). If the waistband is around the chest, we can only guess at what point the legs of the trousers end. We must be talking some serious ankle swingers. And probably white socks. It’s not a good image is it?

3. Shirt. If this man had looked in the mirror before heading off to Lord’s he would have realised that the last time he used the washing machine he had an absolute nightmare. Resulting in at least one shrunken shirt.

4. Checks. Admittedly the sickly MCC egg and bacon attire makes it very had to look stylish while sitting in the pavilion, but one should know that mixing stripes with checks is a serious fashion faux pas. Unless he was trying to dazzle the Worcestershire batsmen. In which case he is a cleverer man than I have given him credit for and I feel somewhat inadequate to continue writing. But I shall.

5. Disguise. It was a dark, damp evening at Lord’s which leads me to ask whether the sun hat and sunglasses were strictly necessary. It is as if this man was trying to hide from someone. Unfortunately, on the evidence no one told the dear fellow that the best way of hiding is by blending in. Or going into the loft for a decade.

6. Abuse. As I have previously mentioned, this post is a sad indictment of society today. My only defence – and I fully accept it is both a pathetic and futile one – is that I write ravaged by guilt. There are many who would see this man and – without even a thought as to the harm it would cause – draw comparisons between him and this pair. And that is completely unacceptable. Accurate, but unacceptable.

7. Hat. Is it me or is there a suspicious lump on the top of his head? A lump concealed by a small white floppy. I’m thinking pigeons. I’m thinking this is Blowers’ new pigeon supplier. Which not only goes to prove this man doesn’t look in the mirror when he’s about to leave the home, it also means he isn’t a regular reader of 7 Reasons. And that really is the great disappointment here.

May 18, 2011
7 Reasons I Should Have Made My Omelette First

Yesterday I made an omelette. Two in fact. While I don’t except any congratulations for this – I have, after all, done the same many times before – I am not averse to receiving any adulation you wish to bestow. That said, given the state of the second omelette – the one I had – you may find it more fitting to belittle and mock. I won’t hold it against you if this is your choice. I am, however, going to explain why the second omelette was such a disaster. There are – as I am sure you would expect – mitigating circumstances surrounding the event. Probably seven.

1. Rushing. I don’t know whether you have ever made two omelettes before, I suspect you are not as maverick as I and as such have not. Let me tell you now though, it is not as easy as it sounds. Unless you are a greedy bugger – or hungry – the chances are you are making two omelettes because there are two people wishing to have one. This was the case last night. I wanted one. My girlfriend agreed that she would have one. Being nice and not wishing to relinquish control of the frying pan, I made my girlfriend her omelette first. But then I wanted to eat mine with her. (I have long suspected we are the last two romantics in the Maidstone catchment area.) As a result I rushed the manufacture of my omelette. And as I am sure you are aware, a premature omelette is not an omelette at all. It’s a mess.

2. The Difficult Second Omelette. We have all heard of the phrase, ‘the difficult second album’. Apart from maybe Oasis. And Toploader. Though admittedly Toploader struggled with their first album too so maybe that doesn’t count. Anyway, I digress. My point is that the pressure was on and, instead of just concentrating on making the second omelette the best it could be, I tried to make it as good as the first omelette. As soon as I did that I was in competition with myself. And I cracked under the strain.

3. Whisking. The trick with making a good omelette mixture is not too whisk it too much. I forgot that it had been whisked before the making of omelette number one. So I whisked before construction of number two. The result was too light and runny. As a result I got air pockets under my omelette. I was trying to salvage the mission from that point on. And that is not an environment conducive to success.

4. Mixture Fail. There is also another reason omelette one was more a success. There was enough mixture to comfortably fill the frying pan. When it came to the second effort, there wasn’t. I’ll be honest. I was stretching the credibility of myself as an omelette maker here. Without enough mixture I added a little milk straight into the frying pan. That was stupid. The frying pan spat it back at me.

5. Tosser. To toss or not to toss? This question is widely debated in omelette making circles. I adhere to the point of view that – before filling is added – the omelette should be tossed. Yesterday, I tossed one of the omelettes and didn’t the other. I’ll let you guess which is which.

6. Filling. We have a rule in our house. As I am the man, I have more food. I like this rule and I didn’t even think of it. So when it came to filling the omelettes, I made sure there was more filling for me. Unfortunately, the amount of filling was calculated on how big the omelette would be. As my omelette was 80% of it’s intended size I really should have put 80% of the filling inside. But I didn’t. I’m a man. So I put it all in. And then I tried to fold the omelette in half. And that is when it snapped at the seams.

7. Manoeuvring. Taking the omelette from pan to plate should be a simple process. Assuming you have actually made an omelette it is possible to tilt the pan and watch the omelette slide into position. Which is what happened with omelette one. Omelette two though wasn’t an omelette. It was a mess. And the mess containing cheese which was now sticking to the pan. I had no option but to shovel it out. And that’s what I did.

November 12, 2010
7 Reasons These Phrases Just Don’t Make Sense

1. Get On Like A House On Fire. So this means you supposedly get on really well with someone. Marc and I, for example, get on like a house on fire. Unfortunately, if a house is on fire, it is going to burn to the ground. Soon there will be no house. There will be ashes. It will be the end. So really, if people get on like a house on fire, it actually means the relationship won’t last. So like I say, Marc and I get on like a house on fire.

2. Keep Your Eyes Peeled. Eyes are not like onions. Or carrots. Or potatoes. In fact they are not like any food substance. Unless we are talking sheep’s eyes. But we are not. We are talking about human eyes. And how silly it is to tell someone to keep an eye out for something by encouraging them to get the peeler out of the drawer.

3. Bringing Home The Bacon. This is fine if you’re a butcher, but if you are a banker or a fireman or a solicitor or a professional ferret tickler, you don’t want to have to keep bringing bacon home every night. Particularly as the ferret will probably eat it. ‘Bringing Home The Money’ makes far more sense. Especially if you’ve just robbed Barclays.

4. Drink Like A Fish. Obviously we all know that this means to drink a lot. The correct phrase, however, should be ‘Drink Like A Saltwater Fish’. Freshwater fish, unlike their saltwater friends, do not drink water. They absorb it. Why does this matter? Well if you know that someone who drinks like a saltwater fish is coming round to the party, you can give them a glass of fizz. If, on the other hand, you know they drink like a freshwater fish, well you can run them a bath.

5. Saved By The Bell. No one, in the history of the world, has ever been saved by a bell. A bell is an inanimate object and thus not able to save people. If, for example, you were shot at but the bullet ricocheted off a bell, well you wouldn’t have been saved by the bell you would have been saved by your wise positioning. Or the sniper’s inaccuracy.

6. What A Load Of Codswallop. We use this to describe our 7 Reasons posts quite a lot. It means, ‘what a load of nonsense’ of course. But it shouldn’t. By my calculations it should mean, ‘what a load of fishes punch’ or ‘what a load of fishes whack’. Since when did ‘fishes whack’ mean ‘nonsense’?

7. It’s Cold Enough To Freeze The Balls Off A Brass Monkey. No it’s not. It’s never cold enough to do that. It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a 7 Reasons co-founder, maybe. But not off a brass monkey. And while we are on the subject, has anyone ever seen a brass monkey with balls? Or is that the point? Have they all been frozen off? Okay, you’ll have to disregard this reason. It actually makes perfect sense.

May 25, 2010