7 Reasons

Tag: Back

  • 7 Reasons That It’s Great to be Back

    7 Reasons That It’s Great to be Back

    We’re back!  We’ve been away and while we’ve been away things have happened and that was lovely.  But now we’re back, and it’s great to be back.  Here are seven reasons why.

    People jumping for joy

    1.  We’re Bigger And Better.  Since we’ve been away, we’ve grown.  Now we’ve come back bigger and better than ever.  Bigger because Marc has used the holiday to practice his eating, and better because…well, we’re bigger than ever.  More is more.

    2.  We’re A Force For Good.  Last week we did the Osama Bin Laden gag to end all Osama Bin Laden gags and now he’s dead.  Coincidence?  We think not.  There’s no telling what we’ll be able to bring about next just by poking fun at it.  We’re hoping it’ll be untold riches or a book deal or something, but if we inadvertently end global poverty, homophobia or Masterchef then so-be-it.  We make things happen.

    3.  We Keep France Honest.  Ever alert, ever vigilant, the 7 Reasons team (well, Jon, he’s nearest) is keeping an eye on France.  Now that 7 Reasons is back, there’s almost no Frenchist act of treachery or stupidity that you won’t get to know about.  You’ll hear it right here first.  It’ll be like being in Paris but with tea and no glass pyramid.  Unless you have a glass pyramid in your house which, on balance, would be very weird.  Why would you have one of those?  Why?

    4.  We Give You A Sense Of Purpose.  We post every day.  Without fail*.  So when 7 Reasons appears in the morning/afternoon/evening/at bedtime (delete as appropriate based on location/how slowly the team are writing that day) you know it’s a day.  And that it’s a different day to yesterday.  And to tomorrow, though you won’t know that until tomorrow is today, which is when a new 7 Reasons post appears.  Yay!

    5.  We Are Refreshed, Rejuvenated, Reinvigorated And Many Other Words That Begin With Re.  Before we took a break we said that we would come back more creative and so far today we’ve looked at the ceiling for a bit.  We’ve also come up with a new blog idea called Lunch Wars in which we post pictures of our lunches and Lunch Wars readers get to vote for their favourite.  It’s the ultimate lunch-versus-lunch death-match to the death; the most awesome epic sandwichy battle you’re ever likely to see; a titanic struggle of biblical proportions in which two sandwiches – two trained, honed butties at their physical peak – go head to head in colossal combat…

    6.  We Need To Do This.  Because the 7 Reasons team have wives and children and fiancés and parents and siblings and nephews and nieces and cousins.  And a friend.  And when we’re not busy reasoning here, we’re busy hanging out with them and talking about sandwiches.  And they need a break from us.  They’ve grown haggard over the last fortnight.  Haggard.  And they get very upset when their sandwiches lose.

    7.  We’re Shiny And New.  Look!  Look around**, we’ve revamped almost everything.  There’s stuff that lights up and stuff that moves and stuff that changes colour and probably stuff that stays still too.  And there’s some stuff over there.  Just look around and click on things.  You can’t wear them out (hopefully).  Go forth and look at the shiny-shiny.  We’ll be back tomorrow***.

     

    *With some fail.

    **If you’re reading this on your Kindle stop looking around.

    ***Today?

     

  • 7 Reasons U2 Have No Excuse Not To Perform At Glastonbury

    7 Reasons U2 Have No Excuse Not To Perform At Glastonbury

    Bono Hurt His Back

    So, yesterday, U2 had to pull out of their scheduled headline appearance at this year’s Glastonbury because Bono needs to rest his back. As excuses go, that’s up there with, ‘My imaginary dog ate my homework’. And this is why.

    1.  Posture. Now, I know ‘rockstars’ like to own the stage. Nothing gets them more erect than running across the stage and whipping the crowd into a frenzy. Given that Bono is a prick most of the time, it will come as no surprise that I believe he falls into this category. But, do you know what? There is no rule that says you have to ponce around the stage. You are allowed to sit down. Or even lie down on stage. So why couldn’t Bono have done this?

    2.  Location. The Edge and the other two – who don’t actually have names – could easily be on the stage at Glastonbury with a video link to Bono sitting at home, in front of his webcam. He can afford one.

    3.  Orifices. The last time I checked, Bono didn’t sing out of his back. He talks out of something close to it, but singing out of his back? No. He uses what most of us use. His mouth. Saying he can’t sing at Glastonbury is a bit like me saying I can’t bend down because I have a cold-sore on the side of my mouth.

    4. Miming. Bono doesn’t actually have to sing. People will understand. He could just stand there and open his mouth while U2’s roadie presses play on the tape recorder round the back.

    5.  Geoffrey Knight. I wouldn’t blame you if you have never heard of Geoffrey. Up until ten seconds ago neither had I. But he is arguably the world’s greatest Bono impersonator. Don’t take it from me, visit his website. Now, I know a thing or two about impersonation* and, the truth is, a lot of people – mainly those who don’t bother to read – will believe just about anything. So all Bono had to do was get Michael Eavis to write somewhere on the Glastonbury website that Geoffrey would be appearing instead of him. Simple.

    6.  Holograms. Yes, so supposing Geoffrey isn’t available – maybe he is out impersonating Bob Geldof – well then it’s time for the lights and projection systems and all that jazz to take over. With all the strobing and flashing lights that happen on these stages, no one is really going to notice if Bono is actually being played by a hologram. And let’s be honest, after all the alcohol that has been consumed by the crowd, the whole thing is just a blur anyway.

    7. My Mum & Everyone Else. My mum has a bad back, but she’s the kind of woman who wouldn’t let you know it. Not once has she phoned up the owner of Tesco to cancel her appearance in the aisles later that day. Instead, she gets in the car, does the shopping and then carries everything into the house. Sometimes I think it’s quite harsh not to open the front door for her. And then, like I say, there is everyone else. Everyday, all over the world, people are injuring their backs. Do they cancel their appearance at Glastonbury because of it? No, they do not. Bono, you are pathetic.

    *It’s really quite an art.