Tag: Analysis

7 Reasons That Jack And The Beanstalk Is A Bad Example For Children

As a parent, I’m conscious that I have a grave and onerous responsibility to instil an inherent sense of right and wrong in my son. To make certain that, during his formative years, he is given the equipment which will eventually enable him to become a good and productive member of society. To give him good values; tolerance, a respect for others, for law and order, for property. For that reason I won’t be reading him Jack and the Beanstalk. Here are seven reasons why.

1. Jack Is Feckless. What’s the first thing he does? He – on behalf of his mother – takes their one marketable asset (a cow) to market, but instead of selling it – as instructed – to raise much needed capital, he takes it upon himself to strike a different bargain with a shifty stranger. He swaps the cow for some magic beans. That’s magic beans. Beans that are magic. This says that not only is disobeying your parents the right thing to do, but that if a stranger offers you something highly dubious in return for a real and tangible asset that’s a perfectly good transaction to make. Essentially this encourages both charlatanism and fecklessness. And Paul McKenna.

2. Jack Is A Trespasser. Later in the story, he goes through a garden and breaks into a house. And it’s not just anyone’s house. It’s the house of a poor, unfortunate sufferer of the genetic condition giantism. So not only is he trespassing, he’s committing that crime against a minority. Despite being rather high up, Jack’s the lowest sort of criminal bully.

3. Jack Is Unapologetic. And what is the giant’s reaction to finding that someone has broken into his home? Well, perfectly understandably, he’s not best pleased. He wants to set about Jack (and he is perfectly within his rights to defend himself and his property using reasonable force). But what does Jack do? Like the weasel he is, he slinks off, with the help of the giant’s wife, no less. Jack has set one partner against the other and has breached the sacred bonds of trust between a man and his wife, and all because he’s too cowardly to face his victim.

4. Jack Is A Burglar. Then on his way out, Jack steals some gold coins. So it’s not mere trespass now. It’s burglary. Should we really be encouraging our children to consider burgling the homes of minorities? Is that really a good message? Wouldn’t a better message be don’t burgle the homes of minorities? Don’t, in fact, burgle anyone?

5. Jack Is A Serial Offender. What does Jack do after he’s returned home? Does he, in the cold light of day, come to regret his actions? Does he show remorse? Does he head to his local police station to hand himself in or return to the giant’s house to reimburse him and offer to make amends? No. He goes back to the giant’s house and burgles it again. Twice! Jack is not only a career criminal. By picking on the poor giantism sufferer again and again, he’s persecuting a minority.

6. Jack Is A Murderer. What does Jack do during his final burglary? He murders the giant; a man who has already had his (sadly truncated) life blighted by an unfortunate genetic condition and who has been tyrannized by a serial burglar, is killed in cold blood by Jack in a desperate attempt to cover up his many crimes. Even Ryan Giggs hasn’t resorted to murdering people yet to cover anything up. We’d all better hope that he doesn’t read Jack and the Beanstalk. The body count could be enormous.

7. Jack Is A Psychopath. What manner of comeuppance does Jack receive for his numerous sordid and cruel misdeeds. Prison? Capital punishment? A community service order? A lifetime subscription to OK Magazine? No. Jack gets to marry his sweetheart – the daughter of a count* – and live happily ever after, a wealthy man. Happily! He doesn’t even suffer from the slightest bit of conscience induced existential torment. There’s no regret at all, or remorse, the lack of which is one of the most marked symptoms of psychopathy.

Is a disobedient, feckless, trespassing, uncompassionate, home-wrecking, burgling, serial-offending, bullying, bigoted, murdering psychopath really a healthy role model for our children?** Jack even gets rewarded for his appalling behaviour. I don’t think we should be telling this story to our children at all. I think we should be reading them this one.

*Not a typo.

**It didn’t go well for Colonel Gadaffi’s kids.

October 26, 2011
7 Reasons It’s At Times Like This I Wish I Was Spanish

For as long as I can remember, 7 Reasons has been on the receiving end of the below email. It’s in Spanish. I speak English. And a little French. And basic business Latin. As a result this email goes straight in the recycle bin. But, just like a Boomerang or Jim Davidson, if you even dare think you’ve got rid of it, it comes back again. And again. And again. Yesterday, I snapped. No longer could I ignore it. I took the time and effort to translate it. Having done so though, I can’t help but think a lot has been lost in Google Translation.

1. Welcome. That is what Bienvenidos means. Or at least that is what Google Translate suggests it means. Is this a Spanish thing? Welcoming you into an email? I thought a welcome was reserved for when you entered a shop or a hotel. I have never once received a letter from Barclays welcoming me. Which is a shame really, I imagine I’d have taken out more loans had they done so. Anyway, from this point on, I am suspicious of this email. And the Spanish in general. Not that the latter takes much, I have been suspicious of the Spanish since the Armada.

2. We have new and updated database of Spanish companies. That’s nice. Shall I reply and tell them about my collection of Wisdens?

3. We invite you to our solutions for effective advertising campaigns. Where are your solutions based I ask myself. Admittedly, it would probably help more if I asked them. As with many things in life it comes down to location, location, location. Yes, all three of them. I dare say if it was Barcelona based, Marc and I would be only too happy to visit the solutions. Sadly though, I suspect Google Translate has missed out the word ‘view’ from between ‘to’ and ‘our’. But this is only guess work. If I could speak Spanish I may well have been supping the delights of various solutions on the Spanish Riviera some eighteen months ago.

4. Offer databases of companies active in the Spanish market would gladly be interested in your products to establish permanent cooperation lines. Oh dear, you’ve lost me again. Something about opening a Co-Op store? Weird people.

5. The effectiveness of our products is guaranteed by the evidence of a growing list of satisfied companies, quickly been able to reach with your offer to new customers. While this is obviously nonsense, I can’t help but applaud the rather brilliant thought process going on here. So brilliant is it that I wish to adopt it for 7 Reasons. From now on the daily brilliance of 7 Reasons is guaranteed by the number of readers we have. For those of you struggling to grasp this concept, don’t worry. I am just addressing the Spanish in their language.

6. The database is updated every three months. In addition, every customer purchasing our database of Companies provide free the first update. See, I told you there was something dodgy about this email. If I purchase the database I then have to give them an update for free. No chance, not on your nelly. Or, not on your Hernán Cortés as they say over there.

7. We will send the product in electronic format and on CD-ROM. I have long held the belief that a CD-ROM is an electronic format, but this news excites me. I’m going to whack my copy of Revolver in a bagel and listen to it on the train to Tunbridge Wells.

March 11, 2011
7 Reasons Robert George Dylan Willis MBE Scares Me

Last week we gave you seven compelling reasons not to watch the Cricket World Cup. How many of you listened to us? Probably not many. And I don’t blame you. I mean, I didn’t even listen to myself. I’ve watched every game so far. But that’s not because I am addicted to the sport, it’s because it constitutes research. It was suggested by Marc that we could write about the Cricket World Cup every Friday. It wasn’t a bad idea – every time we write about cricket we send shockwaves through India. So I agreed. Apart from the dodgy fielding, the one-sided nature of the games and the sparse crowds, the one constant has been former England paceman, Bob Willis. For seven days now he has been sat on the red sofa at Sky Sports scaring the hell out of me. Here’s why:

Don’t Let The Smile Fool You. The Real Bob Willis Never Smiles.

1. Focus. It’s a frightening sight. When the producer whispers, ‘Camera one Mr Willis’, in Bob’s ear, the robotic state is initiated. His head turns sharply to the camera. Like a Tyrannosaurus Rex who has just spotted his prey, Bob doesn’t even…

2. Blink. His eyes are wide as he stares down the camera lens. Deep, deep, deep into your lounge goes his glare. Deep, deep, deep into your soul. And then, his lips begin to move. In his…

3. Monotone voice, his monologue begins. His ability to maintain an unwavering pitch for so long is a remarkable feat of endurance. Though for a robotic devil fairly standard I imagine. On and on he drones. No matter whether he is impressed or furious, it’s the same tone. It’s hypnotic in its powers. I know what he’s trying to do. He’s trying to put me to…

4. Sleep. He wants my soul. He wants to sell it on eBay. “I must stay awake,” I tell myself. “Bob Willis must not be allowed to submit a fake bid for my soul in oder to bump up the price.” My eyelids are heavy, I try and reach for the remote control but I am not not going to make it. I’m drifting! I’m drifting! Then, suddenly, a saving grace. The shot zooms out. The vision of Robert Croft and Michael Holding is momentary relief. But then I notice the…

5. Giant of a man to their right. Bob Willis is huge! He looks like the BFG sitting on that Sky Sports sofa. I know he’s a giant because his knees are higher than his coccyx. He looks comfortable in his own uncomfortableness. This only scares me more. I can’t help but imagine him standing up. His head would be on the second floor. It’s the only time I hunger for a zoomed-in shot of Bob’s face. I don’t hunger for long, the producer adheres to my cries for mercy. Round two begins. He still wants my soul. I’m immediately drawn to his…

6. Lips. Not in a sexual way. In the way I would watch a goldfish open and close his mouth. And then I actually start listening to what he is saying. And I find myself agreeing with him. Bob is right. You just can’t afford to make that kind of mistake at this level. Oh good gracious me! Bob Willis is making…

7. Sense. And this is the scariest thing of all. Already this year I have found myself agreeing with Boycott. What is happening to me? Am I becoming their bitch?

February 25, 2011
7 Reasons We’re Delighted By This 7 Reasons Analysis

This morning I was completely devoid of inspiration. Initially I was going to attack a 10 year-old girl. Not literally obviously. I wasn’t bored. And it would be wrong. I mean literately. I was going to question why the girl – whose design has been chosen as the emblem for the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee – couldn’t be bothered to use a ruler. Or indeed colour between lines. But as I was writing, I felt a deep sense of shame. It is not in my nature to pick on 10 year-old girls, so I stopped. Instead I googled ‘7 Reasons’ and, lo, what did I find? This beautiful analysis of all that is good about 7 Reasons. I was delighted. Here’s why:

1. Backed By FIRA. It’s news to us, but we are delighted to be backed by the capital city of Santorini. And, having looked it up on wikipedia, we are pleased to say that we reciprocate. Go to FIRA. You’ll love it. Especially the Santorini Archeological Museum.

2. Exceptional Performance. It is highly unlikely that this refers to our web hosts so we can only assume it is a compliment aimed at the robotic manner in which both of us knock out 7 Reasons posts day after day after day. We are just short of 500 posts now, or 3,500 reasons if you prefer. Quite an achievement given that one of us thought we’d struggle to get past 14. (Reasons).

3. Experts That Live And Breathe Furniture. Okay, so the use of the word ‘experts’ my have been somewhat over the top, but we happily accept that the 7 Reasons sofa is a thing of beauty. And this is not by luck, but by design. We took great care when sawing the original sofas in half and even more care when we staple-gunned the two required halves together. The fact that it has lasted eighteen months is testament to our expertise. In fact the only thing we bemoan is the number of lemons that keep falling down the back of the cushions. Along with the cat.

4. Understanding & Insights. I am a little surprised this isn’t Reason One. After all, understanding the world around us and providing insight into a variety of topics is our bread and butter. Without this attitude you wouldn’t now be the proud owner of an orange door, you’d probably still be thinking about dating a polar bear and you’d own The American on DVD.

5. Leading Edge Infrastructure. This is very much Marc’s domain so he deserves the applause. From day one he has only been too happy to tinker with the back-end of stuff and he has done a marvelous job. The fact that none of you (or I) have ever noticed any improvements just goes to show how deep into the back-end Marc has gone. The result is a thing of beauty. When it works.

6. UK & Eire Coverage. We are glad this impresses people and it vindicates our original decision. Jon was very keen to prevent anyone outside of the British Isles having the ability to read the British humour website, but Marc muttered something about ‘impossible to do’, ‘xenophobia’ and ‘write about cricket and we’ll get loads of India-based readers’. That was enough. The website has always had Eire coverage. And the rest of the World too.

7. Partnership Approach. One of the seven reasons that 7 Reasons continues to astound the internet is because of this thing they call a partnership. When one of us can’t be bothered to write anything, we don’t. Instead we watch the football knowing the other will eventually crack around 5pm and rapidly write something about winning a country. It’s probably a flawed plan, but it works. For me.

February 21, 2011