Tag: Accents

Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Start Learning Portuguese

Thinking of learning a new language? If you’re like most English people, chances are your answer is probably no. Forget the French you learned in school (if you still remember it) and check out these seven reasons to start learning Portuguese, the world’s sixth-most widely spoken language.

1. You won’t embarrass yourself when the World Cup starts. There are still a couple of years before the World Cup kicks off in Brazil, and even more time before the 2016 Olympics in Rio. Get learning before then and there’ll be no need to hold back when the tickets go on sale.

2. Understand Spanish while learning Portuguese. It doesn’t matter if you tried extra hard during GCSE Spanish – Portuguese takes extra study time to master. Here’s the good part – Portuguese speakers can understand Spanish better than Spanish speakers can understand Portuguese.

It sounds weird but it’s true. Because Brazil is surrounded by Spanish-speaking countries, the languages have developed so that Portuguese-speakers are at a major advantage. If you don’t know any Spanish, you’re effectively killing two birds with one stone by learning Portuguese.

3. It’s awesome to order a Caipirinha without a bad accent. There’s nothing worse than the classic English tourist trying to communicate abroad by using lots of hand-waving and an incredibly bad quasi-foreign accent. Stand out from the crowd by being the only one in your party who knows how to mingle with the locals – it’ll get you serious kudos.

4. Brazilians are hot. No doubt about it, Brazilians do tend to be pretty attractive. If you’re on the pull while on your holidays, there’s nothing more impressive than being able to chat someone up in their native tongue. Just make sure you know exactly what you’re saying before you open your mouth – accidentally insulting someone’s mother isn’t a great start for a romantic encounter.

5. You’ll know when tour guides are mocking you. If you’ve only ever spoken English (and possibly bits of broken French on holiday) you’ll probably have been mocked while abroad numerous times without even noticing.

Waiters, receptionists, taxi drivers – they all count on ignorant tourists not to understand what they’re saying while they grumble under their breath about heavy bags and changed orders. Knock them for six by letting them know you know exactly what they’re saying – then ask for the manager.

6. Get in with the Brazil’s recession-proof economy. Unless you’ve been living with your head in a bucket the past few years, the global economic crisis won’t be news to you. Most western countries are either in recession or at an economic stand-still – not so for Brazil.

Brazil’s economy is growing at a strong rate of around 5% per year and is currently the sixth largest in the world. Learn Portuguese and you won’t have to worry about job opportunities – there are plenty of roles open to bilingual foreigners. So while Brazilians check out daytime and evening English courses in London, you can check out the Portuguese courses and get planning your trip to Brazil.

7. It’s just an amazing language. Portuguese is a beautiful and expressive language, and there’s a heck of a lot of passion behind each and every word. Despite being a versatile language, there are some words and phrases in Portuguese that literally don’t translate into any other dialect in the world. Take the word ‘saudades’, for example. It basically means that you miss someone and want to see them all in one word. Cool, eh?

If point 4 swayed it for you, check out this language school in London for details of courses near you. Once you’ve got the basics down, you can forget about shuffling around Brazil, squinting at signposts and consulting your phrasebook every five seconds – a brilliant new holiday experience will be open to you.

October 12, 2012
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Visit The Lake District

A holiday to the Lake District may not necessarily sound like a barrel of laughs but it is actually a great place to visit. Here’s why:

1. There Are Great Museums And Indoor Attractions. There are many fantastic museums to visit in the Lake District, so if the weather turns bad you won’t be left twiddling your thumbs. If the thought of visiting The Cumberland Pencil Museum, home of the world’s longest colour pencil, makes you feel like sticking pencils in your eyes then The Lakes Aquarium at Windermere may be more your thing. Many of the museums are a great place to learn about local culture like the Maritime Museum or learn about things so truly associated with the Lake District like Beatrix Potter and Wordsworth.

2. Beat The Fat. The Lake District is a fantastic place to get out in the great outdoors. Instead of coming home from holiday carrying extra pounds, a trip to the Lake District is a chance to come home feeling fresh and looking lighter. Even a man’s best friend will benefit from a holiday in the countryside. After all, who would want to be stuck in a kennels all week? Staying in a pet friendly holiday cottage means you can bring your four legged friends along too.

3. It’s Not Far From Anywhere In The UK. The UK is just the right size meaning that you can travel from anywhere in the UK and arrive in the Lake’s in just a few hours. Stick on the sat nav and you will be there in no time. Once you arrive in the Lakes there are so many options of places to stay, from Keswick to Kendal and Ambleside to Windermere. So whatever you fancy there is sure to be a Lake District cottage for you.

4. Support The Local Economy. We all know the UK economy is going through a pretty rough time. So come on, be patriotic and spend your hard earned cash here in the UK. The Lake District economy is estimated to be worth somewhere in the region of £6.5 million a year and tourism in the Lake’s is responsible for keeping over 20,000 people in full time jobs, not to mention all the people employed part-time and seasonally. Come on, let’s look after the UK!

5. Stay Close To Home Comforts. What could be better than a holiday without all the annoyances: screaming kids at the airport, being kicked in the back of your seat on a long flight then having to contend with a different language and strange food? Keep it simple, just get in the car and off you go! Unfortunately, if the screaming kids are yours then you only have yourself to blame!

6. Experience Local Accents. The local Cumbrian accent can be quite hard to understand but local accents are part of what makes the UK great! Sounding somewhere between Lancashire and Geordie, the Cumbrian accent can be very strong. Phrases like ‘garn yam with our lass’ to most of us means ‘I’m going home with my wife’. And when you hear someone counting, you might hear ‘yan, tan, tetherer, methera’. You might need a guide book to understand the locals after all!

7. Country Pubs Are Great! What could be better then ending the day in a quaint country pub with a pint and a home cooked meal? A pub with oak beams and open log fire is a great place to catch up with family and friends. If you like beer (and let’s face it, who doesn’t?) a trip to one of the Lake Districts local breweries could be right up your street. And, naturally, no trip to a brewery would be complete without sampling the produce!

April 22, 2012
7 Reasons To Be A Farmer

Yesterday Marc gave you 7 Reasons To Be A Father, so, in line with my attitude as to do as little work as possible, I have changed just two letters. Today it’s seven reasons to turn yourself into one of these:

A Farmer

1. Burglars. Late to bed, early to rise. As farmer’s sayings go, that isn’t a particularly popular one. But that does not make it any less true. Most plummet at 11pm and arise at 4am. That gives your average robber only a five hour period to commit their crimes. Most people have the correct amount of sleep and thus give burglars a further three hours to work in. So yes, ‘Stop Crime, Become A Farmer’. And of course, if you do find someone fiddling with your cucumbers, you have a pitching fork to stab them with. Assuming Big Dave pushes through this whole ‘fewer rights for burglars’ thing, you’ll be good to poke his eyes out too. The burglar’s, not Cameron’s.*

2. Machines. Not only will you get your hands on a Land Rover, you’ll also have a legitimate reason to have one. And an even more legitimate reason not to wash it. But that’s not all! Oh no. You’ll also have a combine harvester, a quad bike, a tractor and one very good excuse to spend all your time in the garage. Which means your farmer’s wife (or husband) has a very good reason to stay in the kitchen making you pork pies.

3. Scarecrow. No more fancy dress shops for you. Your ready-made costume is in that field. Never have your looked so good in you dad’s clothes.

4. Ooo Arghhh! Everyone likes putting on an accent, but there is a time and a place. The Brixton-bound 192, for example, is not the bus on which to pretend you are a native Jamaican. (That woman’s accusation that I was reenacting a scene from It Ain’t Half Hot Mum still upsets me to this day). Anyway, the point is that as soon as you become a farmer you get the accent. Whether it be a West-Country burr, an East-Anglian whirr or the hoity-toityness of an organic crop grower.

5. Dog. If you want a four legged friend but your partner doesn’t, become a farmer. All farmers have to have a dog. It’s like a rule or something. A farmer without a dog is like a football match without Ashley Young diving. Or Gordon Brown playing a game of marbles without being tempted to whip his glass eye out. It just doesn’t happen.

6. Wellington Boots. Apart from those couple of days in January and one weekend in June, when else do you where your boots? Exactly, hardly ever. Wellington boots have one of the highest ‘cost to use’ ratios of any product in the world. Ever. Unless you are a farmer. Because if you are a farmer you always wear boots. In the winter and the summer. In the cow shed and the bath. On the farm and the dog. Farmers have the best ‘cost-to-use’ wellington boot ratio of anyone in the world. Ever. Fact.

7. Hay. Some farmers loan out their fields. Some loan out their barns. Some loan out their wives. What I have a never seen a farmer do, however, is utilise the amount of spare hay they have. Which seems odd really. With so many horny people about, they could easily charge £10 for a roll in the hay.

*Sorry if this disappoints you.

NB: I came up with five of these. The best two came from someone else. And she’s not even a farmer. Weird.

June 29, 2011
7 Reasons To Embrace Christmas Traffic Jams

Strictly speaking, there is no such thing as a Christmas traffic jam, in the same way as there is no such thing as a Christmas turkey, but you know what I mean. Which is just as well, because if I had used ‘7 Reasons To Embrace The Traffic Jams You Experience While Travelling Somewhere For Christmas’ both of you may have decided not to read. I’m glad you have though, because I have importance to impart on you. If you are travelling this Christmas, this is the most helpful thing you will read this half-hour.

1. In-Laws. If you are very lucky, your in-laws, or – if you are sans wedding-ring – your partner’s family, will be normal. This is fairly uncommon however, so we shall assume that the in-laws are a weird bunch. The mother-in-law smokes a pipe and keeps singing sea shanties and the father-in-law insists on wearing novelty ties and very little else. That type of weird. The type of weird that means you want to spend as little time in their company as possible over Christmas. The type of weird that makes traffic jams seem like a little piece of heaven.*

2. Christmas Playlist. Unless you really are a Scrooge (or deaf), Christmas songs evoke the festive spirit. And no one can tell me that after listening to Wham! and Chris Rea over and over and over and over and over again you’re not going to be in the mood for mulled wine. And beer. And brandy. And anything else that might numb the pain.

3. Excuses. Despite having 364 days to buy your loved one a present, you seem to have forgotten to buy one. This means you need a damn good excuse. And to think of a damn good excuse you need time. And time comes with traffic jams. Lots of them. By the time you get to your destination, your loved one will be too tired and relieved to care about presents. Which gives you time to whip down to B&Q.

4. Traditional Games. What with the advent of Game Boys and Game Gears and PSPs, the traditional in car entertainment was shelved. Mammoth games of ‘i-Spy’ and ‘I Went On My Holidays…’ were swapped for games featuring a hedgehog called Sonic and a footballer who looked like Shrek. Christmas traffic jams are the perfect opportunity to relive those golden days. A chance to remember those simpler times. Times where the use of the brain was more important than the use of the thumbs. Admittedly, i-Spy will only last until someone has guessed BOOORRRIIINNNGGG!!! but, despite someone not quite understanding the joys of the game, it will be fun while it lasts. Honest.

5. Scenery. Ever wanted to see Slough look pretty? Get stuck there in the snow. It’s your only hope.

6. Accents. Have you ever wondered what people sound like in the area you are driving through? No, probably not. That’s because you are driving through them. But what if you are stuck in them? No, probably not. But you should. Because it will open your eyes to the world around you. And you don’t need to do it by winding down the window and freezing to death. Just tune in to the local radio station. If you are lucky they’ll be interviewing someone who thought they had grown a six-foot cucumber only to discover it was in fact a marrow. And that never happens where you live.

7. Challenge. Despite what we are encouraging here, we know no one likes sitting in a traffic jam and, given the opportunity, they will find a way of getting out of it. Which is where the road map comes in handy. I can’t think of anything more rewarding than plotting a way out of a jam and then executing it perfectly. Especially if you set yourself a time limit and pretend you are being chased by members of the KGB. Such circumstances can turn pain and despair into exhilaration and triumph. And is a case in itself for joining a jam if you see one. We’ll see you in there.

*I would just like to point out that I am very lucky. Despite their annoying habit of making me look a very average tennis player, my girlfriend’s parents are a delight.**

**No, I am not just saying this. How cynical of you.

December 20, 2010
7 Reasons Everyone And Everything Should Have Auto-Tune

You don’t have to be interested in the X-Factor to know about autotunegate or whatever it is called. I am the living proof of that. To be honest, I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Auto-tune is good. It makes things bearable. Just think how good life would be if everything and everyone had auto-tune.

1. Annoying Voices. No more high-pitched Joe Pasquale shrieking. No more Andy Murray monotones. No more confusing regional accents. No more chavs. Just a straightforward English accent that everyone can understand.

2. The Monarchy. They are bit like marmite. You either love them or you hate them. Or you are indifferent to them – as I suspect at least 90% of the world’s population is to marmite. I have long thought that the hate for the Monarchy is borne out of their accents. They are well-spoken. Which immediately alienates anyone who pronounces ‘Good Morning’ as ‘Alright fella’. If a member of the Monarchy had auto-tune they would be able to walk into The Tattooed Arms, order a bevy and become darts team captain before the end of the night. ‘Bonnie’ Prince Charlie then really could become the people’s King.

3. Movie Accents. My top three awful movie accents in ascending order. Kevin Costner in Robin Hood. Mickey Rooney in Breakfast At Tiffany’s. Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. Horrendous. The lot of them. And no, Dick Van Dyke’s cockney does not fall into the category of, ‘so bad it’s quite charming’. It’s not charming. It’s mute-button inducing. And it will always haunt me. Everytime I look at a chimney.

4. Polystyrene. Arrrrrggggggggghhhhhhh! Which git invented a material that not only feels like…erm…polystyrene, but also sounds like Alan Carr on helium when rubbed?*

5. Nails On A Chalkboard. Arrrrrggggggggghhhhhhh! (Again). Auto-tune would turn this into the Intermezzo from ‘Cavalleria Rusticana. Or the theme tune to Postman Pat. Anything really. Just not nails on a chalkboard. Or polystyrene. Or Joe Pasquale. Or Dick Van Dyke. Or Aqua’s Barbie Girl.

6. The French. It’s not the fact that I don’t like them, it’s the fact that whatever is said in a French accent sounds sexy. At no point should, ‘I take the cat and I put it in the bin,’ sound at all sexy. Yet, said with Frenchness, it does. Have a go. (Insert you speaking in a French accent here). See? What you’ve just done is wrong. The French accent should therefore be auto-tuned to English. ‘I take the cat and I put it in the bin,’ will never sound sexy in a Coventry burr.

7. Nuclear Warning Siren. I hope I never get to hear it for real. At least not in the next year. (There’s the Ashes and two world cups for England to win). But just supposing for a minute that I did hear it. There is a fair chance it might be the last thing I ever hear. I therefore want to go out in as relaxed a mood as possible. Not listening to something that sounds like a dolphin being drilled through the eye. The Nuclear Warning Siren should therefore be auto-tuned. Then we can all fall asleep listening to Geri Halliwell being penetrated by a unicorn.

*I can see what you might be thinking here. You have the wrong end of the stick.**

**I can see what you might be thinking here. You’re a pervert.

August 25, 2010
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Spooks Are Different To Humans

Today sees us hand over the reins of 7 Reasons to guest writer, Bri McIntosh. All compliments can still be sent to us. We’ll pass them on. No, seriously, we will. But then again you are probably a fan of joy, so we suggest you visit his blog here and and follow him on twitter here.

1. Accidents and illness. The average human being is susceptible to getting a common injury such as a sprained ankle or getting a bout of the common cold. This never happens to a Spook. A Spook might cut themselves shaving but even this is a rarity unless said cut is inextricably linked to a complex and convoluted plot that involves DNA corruption, mistaken identities and high level tensions.

2. Bombs. Average human beings cannot defuse bombs. Even bomb disposal specialists use robots. Spooks can defuse massive bombs using only their hands. This is often only done with seconds to spare and a Spook never breaks sweat doing so.

3. Nature calls. When nature calls the average human being takes themselves off to the loo. Spooks never seem to need to use the loo, even in life threatening situations when the body might take on a mind of its own.

4. Traffic jams. On any given day it takes the mere mortal citizen an age to cross London. This rule does not apply to Spooks however. A Spook can get anywhere in London in the blink of an eye and never has to suffer the annoyance of a traffic jam. Which is just as well really, because even without getting stuck behind the 211 bus, they only ever get to the bomb two minutes before it detonates.

5. Drinking on the job. For the average human being, drinking alcohol at work is a sackable offence. Spooks, on the other hand, especially head-honchos called Harry, can knock back a couple of shorts and still save the world on a weekly basis. Nor do they ever seem to have hangovers.

6. Never out of range. According to the TV series Spooks, operatives use iPhones. During filming the iPhone was only available on O2. O2 have shocking 3G coverage in London, yet for some reason you never see Lucas cursing his phone or standing on a chair waving it about. Somehow, wherever he is, he always has a signal.

7. Accents. A Spook can get away with improvising any accent. Even when they do it badly. If I walked into a bank and put on a Russian accent that seemed to have come via Berlin and Newcastle-upon-Tyne, I would not only be laughed at but probably asked to leave the premises. A Spook does it and they will be sat in the manager’s office within seconds. Probably with free biscuits.

December 12, 2009