Author: 7 Reasons

7 Reasons Prison Transforms People

A lot is said about the prison service. Especially here in the UK. Many people seem to think that being an inmate is an easy life. You have your own TVs and a free day pass. In some cases, you even have your own dogs. Well, bitches. And then, when you’ve done half the time for your crime, you’re released. To be honest, this was an opinion I also shared. That was until the other night when I saw an episode of Porridge. I am now of the opinion that prison does indeed do what it sets out to do. It transforms people. Here’s why:

1. Fitness. Prison is full of bullies. There isn’t a nice way to say this, so I’m going to be straight with you. If you’ve got moobs, you are going to be teased. What better incentive is there then to get you doing pull-ups off the bunk bed? Prison gives you guns.

2. Art. You know what really states that you are not to be messed with? Yep, a tattoo. Not of a dolphin on your ankle, but a snake wrapped around your whole body. Probably accompanied by a skull. And a Millwall FC logo. Prison develops the culture vulture in you.

3. Crimes. Prison is all about reputation. The axe murderers aren’t going to look too impressed if you turn up and announce you’re inside for serial parking ticket evasion. That’s why, if you’ve still got them, you should use your scruples. You have to transform yourself into a different person. And that means exaggerating your crime. Yes, you are a serial parking ticket evader, but the only reason you evade them is because you stole the cars in the first place then reduced the number of traffic wardens on patrol. Prison teaches you to sell yourself.

4. Names. You can’t go to prison and call yourself Marc Fearns. Fearns? You’ll get a reputation as a right nancy boy. You can’t even call yourself ‘The Fearns’, ‘Fearnsy’ or ‘Fearnso’. So you have to be inventive. And call yourself ‘Terror’. Not because you are a little terror, but because it is short for ‘territory’. Which comes from the calling card you leave where you would usually place the parking ticket. The one that says, ‘Marc-ing My Territory’. Prison inspires creativity.

5. Goldilocks. Everyone has told you that long, curly, greasy, ginger hair is not the look, yet the impending prospect of a jail term is the only medium that will make you do something about it. You don’t want people seeing your mane as something to hang on to. Prison cures perms. And dandruff.

6. Gravel. Joe Pasquale wouldn’t last five minutes in prison. That’s not because his jokes aren’t funny, it’s because he sounds like a girl. You really don’t want a reputation as someone whose balls have yet to drop. Unless you’re a woman. That’s why you need to put on a deep, East End accent. Use Ray Winstone as your benchmark. Prison makes you a man.

7. Posture. At home you may readily bend down to pick up the soap. I have heard from some sources that this is not the thing to do in the prison showers. Something about getting slapped on the backside by a wet towel. As such, in prison, you should remain upright at all times. Prison transforms you into an upstanding member of society.

June 7, 2011
7 Reasons I Won’t Be Using The Self-Checkout Machines At My Local Supermarket

I’m not totally against self-checkout machines or progress, but the ones at my local supermarket have turned shopping into a living hell*. Here’s why I won’t be using them.

1. They’re Confusing. Now I’m not a man easily confused by technology. I can put together websites that almost work and look good; I can write HTML and CSS code and I can do things to the inside of PCs too. And given that the self-checkout systems are supposed to be a user-friendly interface that are accessible to people with little tech-savvy or confidence, you might expect that I’d be able to use them easily. But they’re bewildering. Not in and of themselves, but because they are located in a packed group of self-checkouts in a very small space going through different stages of the transaction but bellowing instructions at their customer in the same identical voice. “Please scan your first item”. Wait, what! I’m on my third. “Please replace the item in the bagging area”. What! I haven’t removed the item from the bagging area. “Please wait for assistance.” Assistance? To scan a jar of cloves? How daft do I look? Having a row of three machines with only one voice is idiotic. It’s like having a third member of Jedward.

2. Buying Alcohol Becomes Difficult. Occasionally** I like to buy some beer or wine. This is not a straightforward purchase at the self-checkout because a light suddenly flashes above your machine (sadly no klaxon) and a member of staff has to come over to approve your purchase. I have no problem with that whatsoever (except that I haven’t been asked for ID for about two years now); I hold a personal licence to sell alcohol myself. I have a problem with the amount of time it wastes when I’m shopping in a small store. Both mine, and that of the person who has to verify that I’m over eighteen. Because at my local shop…

3. When You Need Assistance Everything Comes To A Halt. In my local supermarket, no matter how busy it gets, the staff working at the manned tills are the ones that have to come over to verify age, remove security tags or deal with the halfwit that’s wondering where the barcode is on a lime, at the self-checkout. They have to abandon their tills – once they’ve finished dealing with their current customer – leaving you waiting for them to do that, and while they’re dealing with you, there’s a queue of people waiting for the staff member to come back to deal with them. This annoys everyone. This means that far from being an efficient system that eases the burden on the staff, they end up spending much of their time travelling between the checkout and the self-checkout and when they are dealing with customers, those customers are ill-tempered. Essentially their working lives are spent rushing around placating a mob. They aren’t even equipped with truncheons or tall hats.

4. The Machine Tells You Off If You Move Anything. This is annoying at any self-checkout but, when added to the other frustrations in a small store it becomes infuriating. The bagging area is tiny and the chances are that you’re probably buying more than one thing. But if – during your game of bagging area jenga – you move anything in the bagging area, the checkout (or possibly the one next to it, who knows?) bellows at you to replace it. I don’t go to a supermarket to play a game in which I am forced to balance an assortment of dissonantly shaped objects on a small space while being bellowed at by a robot. If I wanted to play that game, I’d go to a Japanese television studio.

5. The Machine Is Patronising. Once all the “fun” is over and you’ve paid for everything you were able to balance successfully in the bagging area and you’ve received your receipt (and twelve others), you start taking your items. And, at some point while you’re doing that, the machine will bellow “please take your items” at you. But you don’t need to be asked to do this because firstly, you’re already doing it and secondly – unless you’ve been kidnapped by a band of Gododdin tribesman and held prisoner for the past 1500 years or so – you’ll be aware of how the concept of a shopping transaction works and you’ll already know that once you’ve paid for your items you should take them with you. And that’s probably when you’ll snap.

6. Other Shoppers Will Look At You Strangely When You Argue With It. “I know! I bloody know! Of course I’m going to take my sodding items you authoritarian automaton! That’s what I came here for! I didn’t come here to give you money and then just leave my goods, that would be cretinous! I wholly understand that if I leave this lime here with you then when I get home there will be no lime in my gin and tonic. I get that! I want the lime!” It’s much like the modern tradition of arguing with the sat-nav in the car, except that in the car there isn’t a line of slack-jawed people backing away from you and shielding their children from Disproportionately-Angry-Man. Or if there is, you’re a bus driver.

7. Human interaction. I just like people. I want to deal with a person: Not an exhausted, defensive person whose shift has been spent in the service of an infernal machine and in placating the bewildered, the angry and the truculent but a person that is relaxed and at ease in their environs and with their customers. But I can’t because of the machines. I miss the happy people that the self-checkout machines have turned into the dejected and the unsmiling. After all, if I wanted to be scowled at and resented I could just stay at home.

*Okay, an unpleasant experience.

**On almost every occasion.

June 6, 2011
7 Reasons According To Them

Everywhere you go, celebrities are endorsing something or other. Now it’s our turn.*

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"7 Reasons wanted to stop me. They failed. Now I'm going to crush them in my giant hand."

"We will be judged by 7 Reasons. When they want to inflict great pain on the world they will stop writing."

"I've bought a komodo dragon, a cross-eyed opossum, a Kim Jong Il and I've urinated in a policeman's helmet. Thank you 7 Reasons."

"I adore 7 Reasons; it's an absolute joy to read every day. It's an essential lifestyle guide that has taught me so much about cats and biscuits. Both of the team seem lovely, but I especially like the tall, grumpy one with the spell-check facility. And thanks to the other one, I'm planning a trip to Whitstable."

"I'm a devotee of 7 Reasons and can categorically state that it is NOT a cult. Not even close."

"The 7 Reasons Marc Fearns picture book gets me hyped."

"I read 7 Reasons and now I'd give my right arm to beat the French. At anything."

*Only words and pictures have been altered and fabricated in the making of this post. Everything else is real.

June 5, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons Air Travel Can Be A Pain In The Butt

Today’s guest post is written by Sally. That is all we know about her. We suspect, judging by her use of ‘z’s instead of ‘s’s, that she resides on the other side of the pond. Other than that, our file is empty. You might think letting such a mysterious character onto the 7 Reasons sofa is as dangerous as the 7 Reasons cushions themselves. For the sake of keeping you entertained this Saturday though, it is a risk we are prepared to take. And it means we can watch the cricket. After the nice picture, it’ll be Sally.

Did you know people actually used to get dressed up to fly on an airplane? I mean, people were so excited to fly that they would actually break out their Sunday best for the flight. Why? Because flying was seen as such an exciting, high-class event that it was as much a highlight of their trip as actually getting to the destination. Most travelers could not imagine that today, as it feels like these once great sky coaches have been reduced to little more than a cattle car that flies. With that in mind, here are seven reasons why traveling in the year 2011 can be a giant pain in the butt.

1. Packing. Some of us were born without that organizational gene. You know, the one that lets people organize their sock drawers and car glove compartments. I never quite figured these out. Normally, it’s just a minor inconvenience. But when it comes to packing for a trip, I’m hopeless. I might as well just pile my clothes on top of a suitcase and hire a fat guy to sit on it.

2. Getting To The Airport. I’d like to send a message to all my friends. I am not a cab driver. Do not ask me to take you to the airport. First, people never fly at normal times, and waking up 4 hours before I have to go work is not worth you saving $15 in cab fare. Also, you’re about to go on a fun trip and I’m about to turn around and drive home from the airport in morning rush-hour traffic by myself. Hearing you talk about it on the way there makes me want to drive off the road into a tree. And I’m pretty sure your travel insurance doesn’t cover that.

3. Airport Check-in Staff. Okay, I just wanted to ask a simple question and see if there was an available window seat on my flight. You don’t have to talk down to me. You have the easiest job in the world. You type my name into the computer, you asked me a couple of dumb questions about my luggage (by the way, don’t you think anyone carrying contraband in their luggage would just lie?), and then you print out my ticket. Don’t act like you invented the airplane.

4. Airline Security Staff. Pretty much the same as reason three, except they’re more smug, less competent and fondle people’s legs for a living. We were never destined to get on.

5. Safety Speech Freestyling. Yes, we know! We have all heard it a million times. Just because it’s rehashed, I still don’t want to hear your lame canned jokes. I understand this is your one chance to show a little personality during the flight, but hearing Bob the flight attendant – not his real name – rap about oxygen masks makes me want to strangle myself with one.

6. Fellow Passengers. Sadly, I can’t charter my own flight, which means I have to travel with other people. At least I think they’re people. Sometimes you wonder given that don’t seem to get that the big piece of plastic in front of them is a seat with someone in it. Usually me. Kicking it makes me want to stop strangling myself with the oxygen mask and instead have a go on them. Either that or I regret not driving into that tree on the way to the airport.

7. Baggage Claim. Seriously, all you have to do is get the baggage from there, bring it here, and put it on the little conveyor belt. Why is this a half-hour long process? And why is my bag always last? And why do I only spot it when it’s passed me which means I look an idiot running after it?

June 4, 2011
Two Posts On A Friday?! What’s Going On?!

My Lords, Ladies, gentlemen and uncategorised people that aren’t covered in the first three, prepare to be astonished! Prepare to be amazed! Prepare to gaze upon something new in wonderment and with awe! We have something to announce and it’s big news. Here we go.

When we opened the 7 Reasons Emporium, we got all the products designed and ready and then we realised that we had nowhere to sell them and the shop got put together as a bit of an afterthought. We tried to make it work as a part of our website’s theme (and failed) so we had to build a new site for it and we modified an existing theme to make it work. Neither of the team were thrilled with the look or functionality of this theme and, as people that pride themselves on their eye(s) for design and general web savviness, that hurt.

We realised that we had to redesign the Emporium for the sake of our own self-respect. It got to the stage that we didn’t like to look at even. We weren’t sure when we were going to be able to fit a redesign in (we’ve only just redone the main website) but then one of the team (we won’t mention which one) had a brilliant idea. “Jon”, he said, “I’ve found the time to redesign our emporium. I’ve calculated that we waste at least six hours every day just lying in the dark*. Let’s use those wasted hours to set up a new site and build a new emporium.” So that’s what we’ve been doing for the last ten days or so.

Now, the 7 Reasons Emporium 2.0 is here. It’s new, it’s shiny, it’s got stuff that moves, it looks absolutely bloody lovely and it’s got giant lemons. We’re so happy with it that we grin like idiots whenever we look at it and feel dizzy whenever we stand up**. We’d like to encourage you to visit it, to click on things and to generally gaze at it (and buy stuff). We’re even offering 10% off the price of all t-shirts this weekend to celebrate the relaunch. We’d love to hear your feedback and product ideas, which can be directed to this email address. We hope you enjoy the new emporium,

Marc and Jon.

*Separately.

**That may be fatigue.***

***Or gin.

June 3, 2011
7 Reasons Cushions Are Evil

Today is National Cushion Day in Oman! No, not really. We just needed a hook to get you reading. A sly move we admit, but one that worked. Assuming you did your good deed for the day yesterday, you’ll no doubt be going to the shops later to buy a pet Kim Jong Il. Have you thought about where you are going to put him though? The reason we ask is that you may well seat him on a cushion. Today we want to warn against this practice. You see, cushions pose more danger that admitting you like croissants.

1. Zip It. If you look at your cushions, you’ll probably notice that the cover is zipped on one side. This is so you can remove the cover and wash it. A practice we have to do every Sunday after our Saturday guest writer has thrown coke all over the 7 Reasons sofa. Putting the cover back on the cushion is where the danger begins. Zipping it up is never effortless. The zip always gets caught on a loose thread and causes minutes of straining and swearing. Then it suddenly gives way. It flies straight to the end, zipping everything in its path. Fingers, cat tails, lemons, penises*. Everything.

2. Vision Impaired. There is no doubt that a cushion cover can make a very good headdress when you are indulging in a little fancy dress. Or role-play. They are particularly useful if you want to be a cheap version of Robin Hood. The Maid Marian And Her Merry Men version, not the Russell Crowe version. The problem comes when it drops down over your eyes. Especially if you’re driving the mini-bus at the time. Bumping into things, like rivers, is quite common.

3. On Display. If the 7 Reasons sofa lacks anything, it’s display cushions. For a very good reason. What is the point in them? Are you supposed to move them? Are you allowed to move them? What will the owner say if you move them? If you do move them, where do you move them to? Are you even sure that is a display cushion? What’s the difference between that cushion and that cushion? Display cushions cause trauma.

4. Trip Hazard. At least 50% of the 7 Reasons team can’t stand cushions. They’re always in the way. Preventing him from sitting down. They seem to multiply in number every day. As a result he places them neatly on the floor. Of course, then he goes flying when he’s taking the empty plates through to the kitchen. Which could explain the broken handle on the front of the oven.

5. Expense. It’s not just physical abuse a cushion will hand out, it’ll abuse your bank account too. When you redecorate the house, you need to buy new covers for the cushions. Which means you need to buy storage for the old cushion covers. And then you need to buy storage for the storage that’s storing the old cushion covers. And on it goes. And goes. And goes. Until you hear from your bank manager for the first time ever.

6. Illegal Entry. A cushion to a pillow is like a rugby league ball to a union ball. You might think they are interchangeable, but they are not. Particularly so when a pillow fight is taking place. Pillows are soft and their cases softer. Cushions are hard with pointy corners. Bringing a cushion in to a pillow fight, apart from being illegal, could very easily result in eye pokage. Naughty.

7. Suck Up. Most of the guest writers who spread themselves across the 7 Reasons sofa do so with the elegance and grace that you would expect. Some, however, see the sofa as a piece of apparatus. Which is why they leapfrog over the back, cartwheel over the armrests and generally treat it as a bouncy castle. It is lucky the 7 Reasons cushions are not decorated with beads or sequins. If so, a few of our guest writers may well have ended up in hospital with a button shoved up their backside. Not pleasant. And a reminder to all that cushions are evil. Even more so than dolphins.

*Why Marc was washing the 7 Reasons sofa cushions in the buff is something we have never discussed.

June 3, 2011
7 Reasons That Kim Jong Il Is The Ideal Pet

Hello dear reader! At 7 Reasons, we’re not afraid to admit when we’re wrong and today, we do just that. Once, we were of the opinion that the Komodo dragon was the ideal pet but, though that would be amazing, we’ve realised that there is a superior one. It’s Kim Jong Il. Here’s why.

1. Kim Jong Il Comes In Many Colours. Whatever your interior colour scheme; whatever hue and shade your decor, there’s a Kim Jong Il to blend in perfectly with it. Even if it’s beige.

2. Kim Jong Il Is Independent. Don’t want a needy pet that requires you to take it out for walks or let it in and out five times per hour? Kim Jong Il is ideal: He comes with his own man-flap.

3. Kim Jong Il Annoys The Neighbours. All the best pets annoy the neighbours, whether it’s next-door’s dog barking at all hours, next-door’s cat pooing in your flower bed or next door’s snake being a snake in close proximity to you. Kim Jong Il does this too.

4. Kim Jong Il Is Loved By Women. That’s important in a pet. After all, they’re usually the ones that end up looking after them once the children grow tired of the responsibility. Surely there isn’t a woman alive that wouldn’t jump at the chance to care for Kim Jong Il.

5. Kim Jong Il Is Good With Children. This is an important consideration when choosing a pet. You need a pet that can help teach them social skills and engender a sense of playfulness in them. That pet is Kim Jong Il.

6. Kim Jong Il Makes Everyone Happy. Everyone loves the warm, fuzzy joy of pet-ownership (it’s one of the reasons we have them). They bring delight and wonder into our lives and spread happiness and warmth wherever they go. So does Kim Jong Il.

7. Kim Jong Il Is Easy To Feed. While other pets have special dietary requirements and often need to be fed expensive and exotic foodstuffs, Kim Jong Il prefers a simple diet of radishes.*

So there you go. Kim Jong Il is the ideal pet. The only drawback is that you might occasionally have to see this.

Seems a small price to pay. So let’s all go out and get a Kim Jong Il. Is a home really a home without one?

*Or sometimes fresh lobsters that he has airlifted to his train whenever he’s away travelling.

**For fans of looking at Kim Jong Il looking at things, this is the place to go.

June 2, 2011
7 Reasons Sepp Blatter Must Go (Now)

Today, Sepp Blatter will be re-elected as FIFA President. That is all kinds of wrong. As this video aptly demonstrates.

June 1, 2011
7 Reasons These Excuses Are Not Silly

Ministers have released the top ten ‘silliest’ excuses as used by benefit cheats. If you haven’t read them yet, you’ll be able to watch the countdown on BBC Three later this year. It’s narrated by Richard Bacon with insights from a bloke who once pretended he didn’t work in Lidl. Understandably. My issue with this programme is that it’s clearly going to be an excuse to laugh at people who are unable to articulate. As such they sound stupid. Having looked through the excuses I am saddened that they are are deemed silly. At least seven are very legitimate. Here’s why:

Ladder Therapy

1. “I had no idea my wife was working! I never noticed her leaving the house twice a day in a fluorescent jacket and a ‘Stop Children’ sign.” – Hardly surprising given that this man is obviously blind. The ‘Stop Children’ signs don’t come in braille you know.

2. “I wasn’t aware my wife was working because her hours of work coincided with the times I spent in the garden shed.” – This man’s wife was clearly hiding the fact that she worked by playing an elaborate game of hide and seek. Every morning she told her husband to hide. He scurried off to the shed and only appeared when his wife returned home and shouted, “I give up!”

3. “He does come here every night and leave in the morning and, although he has no other address, I don’t regard him as living here.” – Shelter are a fantastic charity. For them to be pulled up on this is a disgrace and an insult. I suspect the thousands of volunteers who give up their time to help those less fortunate than themselves feel really great now. Well done ministers.

4. “I didn’t declare my savings because I didn’t save them, they were given to me.” – Is having a basic grasp on the English language seen as a bad thing now then? Surely to declare savings under the pretence that you saved them is fraud?

5. “I wasn’t using the ladders to clean windows, I carried them for therapy for my bad back.” – A man (or woman) with a whole lot of common sense. Instead of spending his (or her) benefits on expensive therapists, he (or she) purchased a ladder. It was just as effective and instead of weekly payments of £40, cost just an initial £15. I don’t understand why ministers have a problem with this. Surely they want people to show initiative? If people can find methods of lowering their outgoings how is that not a good thing? One day this man (or woman) might buy a bucket and become a window cleaner. Good for him (or her).

6. “We don’t live together he just comes each morning to fill up his flask” – Well, this clearly shows that sexism is still rife in the ministerial hood doesn’t it? Just because this woman is single, it doesn’t mean she wants to get into a relationship with every builder whose bum she spies. This woman is perfectly entitled to share her tea bags with whomever she wants. It’s 2011 for goodness sake.

7. “It wasn’t me working, it was my identical twin.” – Which only goes to prove that one half of Jedward always mimes.

May 31, 2011
Pies, Damned Pies, And Statistics

May 29, 2011