7 Reasons

Tag: zombies

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons Having No Mobile Signal is Worse Than A Zombie Apocalypse

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons Having No Mobile Signal is Worse Than A Zombie Apocalypse

    Needless to say, it’s only a matter of time before the zombie apocalypse (I’m guestimating at around three to four years) but a world populated with angry, brain-obsessed shufflers needn’t be the end of the world (although that’s pretty much exactly what it is). There are plenty of things that are more of a hindrance than those stupid slow-coach zombies – such as having no mobile phone signal. Let’s take a look at the most obvious 7 Reasons (there are hundreds to choose from) that a having no mobile signal is, in fact, considerably worse than a world beset by grey-matter gobblers:

    Warning! Zombie Attack

    1.  Inconvenience. Just imagine how angry you’re going to be when you get home from the pub, filled with Guinness (there are other beers available. They’re just not as nice) and you have a craving for a pizza. You whip out your mobile phone to ring the local Papa Johns and, lo-and-behold, no phone signal! Call me crazy but, in my book, this is much more of an inconvenience than having some undead chap shuffling after you trying to get their takeaway of choice i.e. brains.

    2.  Social Media. Picture this – you’re being chased by a zombie and the poor unfortunate ghoul trips over whilst he is chasing you. How annoying would it be not being able to upload “LOL – Epic Zombie Fail. Tripped Over…” as your Facebook Status because your phone has no signal. That, my friends, is a world not worth thinking about.

    3.  Popularity. If you’re anything like me, your mobile phone will constantly be ringing off the hook with requests to go to fun social events or just out to the pub but ever since I’ve moved to an area with no mobile phone signal, I’ve not being get such invites. I didn’t get them before either but there must have been some other reason for that. At least, with the zombie apocalypse, you can try and befriend some of the less “bitey” ones.

    4.  Emergencies. Needless to say, in a world ravaged by zombies, you’re probably going to have to ring the emergency services from time to time with issues such as:

    999 Operator: 999, what’s your emergency?

    You: Errrrm, yeah, so there’s a zombie eating my Shih Tzu.

    999 Operator: That, sir, is not an emergency. Goodbye.

    Or something like that.

    5.  Pranks. Obviously, the mobile phone is integral to many pranks and if you’re unfortunate enough to live in an area which is utterly bereft of phone signal, your pranking capabilities will be severely inhibited. Having zombies clawing at your door will obviously be a bit annoying that but an inability to phone up the local takeaway restaurant with the name Joe Mama is patently much, much worse.

    6.  Boredom. As you may have noticed, people are now more or less tethered to their smartphones and it could be potentially difficult to spot the normal from the zombies in this post-apocalyptic world as we’re slaves to our phones and they’re slaves to their insatiable desire to chow down on brains. Without our phones, our propensity to get bored increases significantly and this, my friends, is another reason that having no phone signal is worse than a zombie apocalypse.

    7.  Parents. Even if there’s a zombie apocalypse, your parents are going to still be sitting at home wondering why you’re not calling them. If you live in a mobile phone area with no reception you can use that as an excuse for not calling but a zombie apocalypse? No, that won’t fly with the old parental units. They’ll want their Sunday phone call still.

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  • 7 Reasons You Shouldn’t go to the Doctor’s

    7 Reasons You Shouldn’t go to the Doctor’s

    1.  Hand-wash.  Little plastic dispensers of antiseptic hand-wash: They’re inside the main entrance, they’re in the reception area, they’re in the waiting room, they’re in the doctor’s office, they’re everywhere!  They outnumber patients by about 40-1; they outnumber patients’ hands by about 20.5-1 (there was a one-armed man).  Why could they possibly need so many?  It will bother you.

    2.  Sick people.  There are sick people at the doctor’s surgery, it’s full of them:  Coughing, retching, groaning, wailing, with blotches, pustules, buboes and weeping sores; it’s more like Hell’s waiting room than Dr Butterworth’s.  If I ever write a historical novel about the Black Death in medieval Europe I’ll visit the doctor’s for inspiration – and just hope I live long enough to complete it.

    3.  Light.  The soulless, ceaseless hum of the fluorescent strip-lights is the soundtrack to your stay in the waiting room.  Worse still, their glow bathes everything and everyone in an unnatural light, giving the room’s occupants a grey, bleached-out pallor that makes them appear unwell, even if they’re not.

     

    4.  Magazines.  Due to the Swine Flu scare they no longer have magazines in my local surgery; no Country Life, no Woman’s Weekly – in fact, nothing to read at all.  Presumably they think our hands would be too slick from the hand-wash to leaf through the pages.  Fortunately, on my last visit to the doctor, I had a copy of Vanity Fair with me, so I pulled that out of my bag and began to read.  My fellow patients – envious, I assume – saw my magazine and started moving toward it.  They rose slowly from their seats and shuffled gradually forward, eventually forming a groaning, coughing semi-circle around me.  With their fluorescent strip-light pallor, obvious wounds and missing limb they resembled the un-dead.  Fortunately, the doctor called me in before they started to feast on my brains.*

    5.  Manliness.  Convention has it that real men don’t visit the doctor.  This is nonsense.  If he has misplaced a limb, his elbow has unaccountably turned purple, or his urine is pure Bovril, a man should visit the doctor.  In all other cases, he should soldier on.

    6.  Discouragement.  They don’t want you to see you.  Why would they?  They might catch something dreadful or you might try to show them your hemorrhoids.  If they really wanted to see you they would open outside of office hours and they’d give you an appointment less than a week into the future.  They might also consent to visit you at home on occasions other than your imminent death.  They do these things to discourage you from seeking medical advice.  If you don’t go to see the doctor, their whole system runs more smoothly.  And that’s the way they like it.

    7.  Feelings.  Doctor’s surgeries aren’t just places to treat your physical ailments, they’re places that are concerned with your general wellbeing too.  These days, they seem just as concerned with your emotional wellbeing as they are with your physical health.  This isn’t necessarily a good thing:

    Bond strode into the uncluttered, homely office.  After some light conversation, the G.P. asked how he felt about his condition.

    “Do you expect me to talk, Dr Blofeld?”

    “No Mr Bond, I expect you to cry”

    break

    No one wants that, who knows where it may lead?

    break

    *Did I mention that I had a bit of a temperature?