7 Reasons

Tag: Yoga

  • Russian Roulette Sunday: Help Us Help You

    Russian Roulette Sunday: Help Us Help You

    If you are a proper England cricket supporter, you will have no doubt found yourself assisting your country in their times of need. If they need a wicket, there is nothing quite like disappearing from the room for five minutes to make a cup of tea or visit the bathroom or just sit on the stairs. Whenever England take a wicket, it is very rare that the bowler should be congratulated. One of us should. The one who had the gumption to leave the room and go a make a sock drawer. And we have a similar approach to batting. In England’s hour of need, when they really could do without losing another wicket before lunch, it is down to us to make sure they don’t. This is generally accomplished by remaining motionless on the sofa. Or standing on one leg. Or thumping your thigh to the rhythm of Cilla Black’s Anyone Who Had A Heart. If the stumps are demolished, you can be sure it’s because some twat, somewhere made him/herself more comfortable between overs.

    Here at 7 Reasons, despite what you may think, we are not infallible. Sometimes, this really is a tough job. Much tougher than working out upon which strip Mitchell Johnson is next going to pitch the ball. This week was a turgid one. In fact, it was as tough a week as we have ever experience. For the majority of it we were completely devoid of inspiration. Hence the fact that on Tuesday Marc wrote about writers block, on Wednesday we had a guest post and on Friday we both advised you not to ride a crocodile. It was only when I was attempting to get England that vital breakthrough on Friday morning by walking around the coffee table backwards, that I realised 7 Reasons could do with some assistance from our supporters. So this post is aimed at all four of you. But don’t think we’re being selfish. This is not a question of you giving up your time just to make 7 Reasons better, you actually get a choice. With that in mind, we have devised six positions we would like you to adopt depending on what you want out of 7 Reasons. All we ask is that you perform one of these positions at around about 8.45am each day. That’s generally the time Marc and I realise there is no way we are going to meet the 9am deadline. We are sure, with your help, we’ll never be devoid of inspiration again. Thank you.

    7 Reasons Yoga Positions

  • 7 Reasons You Should Not Ride A Crocodile

    7 Reasons You Should Not Ride A Crocodile

    Sometimes at 7 Reasons we’re bloody helpful.  Today is one of those days.  We know that crocodiles seem cool and it looks like it would be fun to ride one, but before you go out and try it for yourself, we want to warn you that it isn’t a good idea.  Here are seven reasons why.

    A black and white photo of a girl riding a crocodile (or an alligator)

    1.  Posture. Crocodiles carry themselves very close to terra-firma. So much so that their bellies occasionally scrape the floor. People usually like to dangle their legs; but on a crocodile-back one would have to forego such a luxury. Only those who attend regular Yoga classes are going to last more than five minutes with their knees above their ears. Who would have thought doing the Downward-Facing Dog every Tuesday at 9am could prove so beneficial?

    2.  Danger.  Riding a crocodile is dangerous as they’re amphibious.  You’re not just at risk of getting your trousers wet.  Crocodiles can hold their breath for up to two hours underwater, which is great for them, but you would drown in little over a minute which would be unfortunate for you, and inconvenient for the crocodile who could conceivably have to drag your waterlogged corpse around for weeks before it came loose.  And the other crocodiles would probably poke fun.

    3.  Comfort. This may surprise the humble crocodile-boot attired 7 Reasons reader, but a crocodile was not built for comfort. With bony, plate-like scales and raised keels running down its powerful tail, you’d find more comfort racing along the Great Wall of China in a pantomime-horse costume with Anne Widdecombe playing your backside.  And more fun, if you’re into that sort of thing.

    4.  Hunting. Don’t be thinking that your mount is going to stop trying to find food just because you’re on its back. If your croc sees a buffalo, you’d better hope you have your whistle with you, otherwise there is no way you are going to be able to referee the imminent battle for lunch.  Not even Pierluigi Collina could keep a hungry crocodile from attempting to feast on a water buffalo.  Even with a pair of fifth officials flanking the buffalo line.

    5.  Time Keeping. Crocodiles are renowned for their laissez-faire approach to time-keeping. Hence the famous expression, ‘See You Later Alligator, In A While Crocodile’. How long is a while? Ten minutes? Ten hours? Ten years? If I’m riding a crocodile, I want to know how long it is going to take until we reach our destination. If it’s ten years, I should probably bring spare pants.

    6.  Motion Sickness.  Crocodiles are believed to have been around for over 200 million years, which is almost as long as Coronation Street.  It stands to reason therefore that, if you want to know about riding a crocodile, you should consult someone that’s been knocking around for a long time.  So we did, and Sir Elton John said, “Well, Crocodile rocking is something shocking”.  So there you have it.  If you want to avoid motion sickness, stick to riding more stable beasts.  Sir Elton says so.

    7.  Accessories.  Finding the right accessory for crocodile riding is more tricky than you’d imagine.  Most people would probably think, “what goes with crocodile? I know, crocodile”, and then purchase something like a Hermes Birkin bag in the much sought-after saltwater-crocodile skin. But wait.  That would be foolish, madam.  Either the lovingly finished hide of the saltwater crocodile in an immaculately dyed colour will cause your crocodile to be jealous, or it will cause it to be nervous.  And who knows where that could lead?  It may see your handbag as some sort of rival and pounce or it may see it as a hideous portent of the future and you may experience an unexpected and unpleasant trip to the crocodile bathroom.  Either way, accessorizing your crocodile is a potential minefield.

    *We apologise for mentioning the Downward Facing Dog and Anne Widdecombe in the same post.  And, indeed, on the same internet.  We’re off for therapy now, see you tomorrow.