Providing you are doing this properly, you will be reading this on Monday morning. And providing you are doing this properly, I will be in the car returning from V Festival. Which is why I am writing this on Thursday afternoon. And as I am writing, I am quietly confident that I am not going to get stuck in a portaloo during a hurricane. But this is naive. I almost certainly will have done. And I will also have experienced a further seven disasters.
1. Wellington Boots. They are new. Green and new. At least they were. No doubt I am now wearing someone else’s boots. I almost certainly left them outside of the tent on Saturday night only for the V Festival swap-shop parade to pass through my patch of field at 4am and decide I could do with an older pair. A pair with holes in. And talking about holes, my…
2. …Inflatable Mattress will contain at least one by now. Don’t ask me how I did it. I probably sat on it wrong or decided to try and deflate it with a plastic fork. As a result, I probably didn’t sleep very well and decided that I would be better off getting up ridiculously early and visit the…
3. …Portaloos. Which, while not a complete disaster, was a bit like playing a game of Russian Roulette. And, because I have a habit of shooting myself in the foot, I will almost certainly have ended up walking in to the portaloo which contained the man wearing nothing more than a…
4. …Mankini. Thankfully, I don’t hang around long enough to get one of my own and before you know it I am running back to my tent. Which is of course now my…
5. …Lost Tent. Having forgotten to bring my compass with me, I am left to navigate via the sun. Which of course blinds me and so I spend half the time picking myself up after tripping over approximately 33 guy ropes. I am now covered in mud, beer, thai chicken curry and maybe have the odd syringe protruding from an arm. I head for the…
6. …Showers. They were cold. Very cold. So cold in fact that I get accused of being in the wrong sex’s showers. Probably by the mankini seller. By the time I make it back to the correct tent, the…
7. …Queues for breakfast are already heading out of Chelmsford. I suppose I should have just been using the gas stove, but I broke that on Friday morning while packing the car. Along with next door’s cat.