Tag: Watching

Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Get Your Sofa Fixed

There are few things more necessary in your home than a good sofa. Somewhere to socialise, somewhere to relax, somewhere for extra guests to sleep, somewhere for you to sleep yourself when you have fallen asleep in the middle of Newsnight – again, somewhere for you and a loved one to snuggle, somewhere for your visiting nephews to jump all over and smear Easter eggs into.

Here are just seven of the many reasons for you to get your sofa fixed and fit for purpose.

1. You Are Not A Student Any Longer. It might be acceptable, when you are living on beans and super noodles, to have somewhere you don’t care about the spills and stickiness. To have a place where you don’t care that your best mate – the one with his aversion to baths and who’s Mum hasn’t been up to collect the laundry for some time – falls asleep on for the fifth time that week. That time is long gone. Wake up and smell the sofa. Replace the cushions, give it a good clean and put the missing wheel back on.

2. Your Mum Will Moan At You And Think You Can’t Look After Yourself. This is a good thing when it means shepherd’s pie deliveries and the odd bit of dusting and vacuuming. When she is griping over and again about the state of your furniture, it’s boring and avoidable. Get your cushion foam replaced and a new cover and she will sit and chat with you and ask when you are going to let her meet your girlfriend and when you’ll make her a granny. Actually, perhaps it’s better if she just moans about the sofa.

3. It’s Uncomfortable To Idle On A Lumpy Sofa. Idling is important. It’s time to reflect on your life, time to relax and ponder on the universe and all its beings. You can’t do that unless you are sitting pretty or, even better, horizontal on some luxuriously fat cushions.

4. You Need To Have Somewhere For Your Mates To Sit And Watch Football. You can’t have them putting their backside’s through the seat when they flop back down after contesting that all-important penalty or the little celebratory run around the living room. Fix those slats.

5. Springs Through The Bum Ain’t No Fun! Vintage sofa’s may look cool, but springs poking out of old horsehair and straw is a bit of a pain in the arse. Search the internet for reliable upholstery firms or companies like Cutfoam offering foam cut to size that you can cover up those springs and bare bots that leave you bruised.

6. You Can’t Make A Den With Flat, Floppy Cushions. Those visiting nephews will take a lot more intensive looking after and effort on your part if you don’t have some solid kit – and that includes some good stiff sofa cushions that can be propped up against the back to make a den/battle ship/castle. When they’ve finished playing, you can sit them down on the very same sofa to watch a bit of kid’s tv. Trust me, you will want to delay this as long as possible. Fix the cushions.

7. No Woman Will Snuggle With You On A Crappy Sofa. You need a sofa that smells good, that is sif enough to schlompf into, and that is wide enough for you both to fit, but not wide enough that you aren’t pretty close together. Removable back cushions help with creating enough space to lie down for a good old nuzzle.

Enjoy!

April 28, 2012
7 Reasons To Play The Brian Moore Drinking Game This Six Nations

Last week you may remember that Marc and I failed to deliver our regular Friday joint post. In an extraordinary turn of events we have repeated the trick this week as well. But that’s fine, because it gives me a chance to have a look at one of the greatest sporting events in the calender. Tonight sees the start of the 2011 Six Nations in Cardiff, with England taking on the Daffodil Nation. I could give you 7 Reasons to watch the Six Nations but I am pretty sure we covered that last year** and to be honest, not much has changed. You shouldn’t need to rethink it. Instead I am going to take a look at the commentators. And in particular the joy former England hooker Brian Moore will be bringing to the proceedings. With his passionate views, the words of Moore make this Six Nations the perfect opportunity to have a tipple. So here it is, the 7 Reasons Brian Moore Drinking Game.

1. Criticism. No matter which country a player is from, if he’s a silly boy, Moore will let everyone know about it. Similarly, if he feels a referee has made a bad decision, we will hear it. So, if Moore labels a player a ‘half-wit’ or brands the decision of the referee as ‘stupid’ you have to drink one finger.

2. Scrum. Given that Moore spent most of his career in the middle of one, I think he has the right to harp on about the issues of scrummaging for 80 minutes. And every time he bemoans a collapse, a reset or a wonky feed, you must drink two fingers.

3. Football. That’s right, every time Moore mentions those nancy boys in that round ball game and their rolling around on the floor antics, it’s time to drink three fingers.

4. Passion. Let’s put it like this, Moore is not entirely unbiased. You get the feeling that he’d quite like England to win. And he’s not exactly scared of sharing his passion for the cause. So every time he shows his blatant England bias, drink four fingers.

5. Anti-French Sentiments. Being a proper Englishman, Moore quite rightly lacks appreciation for all things French. So when he comes out which such gems as, “Looks like he’s injured…I don’t care though, he’s French,” it’s time to drink five fingers. And cheer.

6. Admission. On the very odd occasion that Moore views a replay and admits his initial judgement on proceedings was in fact wrong, you must down the rest of your drink.

7. Cut-off. Sometimes Moore can get so worked up about something that his emotions begin to pour out of the speakers. In the past it has led the producer to pulling the plug on Moore’s microphone. Below is the perfect example of what we are looking for. If this happens it is time to refill your glass and down it in one.

Most of all though, enjoy the tournament! (If you are English).

*7 Reasons does not condone drinking to extremes, so if you feel yourself getting dizzy before half-time you may stop.

**I lied. We did not give you 7 Reasons To Watch The Six Nations last year, our guest writer Rachel did. You can read it here.

February 4, 2011
7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Write 7 Reasons While Watching The Football

It seemed like a good idea at the time. Ghana v Serbia, one of those games that I’m not desperate to see, but because it’s the World Cup I feel I should. So I did in the knowledge that it would also give me 90 minutes (plus half time) to write 7 Reasons. Easy.

1. The Girlfriend (Part A). She knows I’m watching the football whilst trying to write 7 Reasons. She asks me what the topic is. I say, ‘Darling, it’s 7 Reasons you shouldn’t write 7 reasons while watching the football’. She muses for a second, then replies, ‘Multitasking. Men can’t multitask’. I look around. She’s on the kitchen floor, watching the football, talking to me and cleaning a barbecue grill with a toothbrush. I feel admiration for my girlfriend. She can multitask with the best of them. But now I feel challenged. I must finish my 7 Reasons piece before Ghana finish Serbia. I don’t like the pressure.

2. Spelling. I spend more time concentrating on the football than on the page in front of me. This is dangerous, as when I don’t concentrate I have a habit of miss-spelling ‘tootbrush’, writing the incorrect version of ‘peace’ and adding multiple erroneous apostrophes. I also spell ‘eronous’ incorrectly.

3. Clive Tyldesley. Nothing is really happening in the game. Ghana have a throw-in just inside their own half. If I am ever going to get a chance to write something while watching the football, this is it. I look down. But as soon as I do Clive gets excited. I can only assume this is coincidence. I look up. Nothing is happening. Serbia have a goal-kick. I look down. Clive gets excited. I look up. Nothing is happening. I look down. Clive gets excited. I look up. Nothing is happening. I look down. I feel my neck. It’s beginning to hurt.

4. Immaturity. I see a player called ‘Panstil’. This amuses me. I spend ten minutes desperately trying to think of a joke that involves the word pants. I finally think of one. All I need is for Panstil to make a sliding tackle and lose his shorts. If he does I can say, ‘Lucky he’s still got his panstil’. I then realise this isn’t very funny. I note I still have a lot of growing up to do.

5. The Girlfriend (Part B). We are into the second half-time. The score-line reads Reasons Done 3 – Reasons Still To Go 4. My girlfriend – now attacking the grill with a brillo pad – asks what I’ve got so far. I read them to her. I wait for the laughter. It comes. Eventually. But then, so does, ‘You have a very strange brain’. I would have preferred her to compliment my shorts. I am wearing nice shorts. Clive gets excited. I look up.

6. Other Sport. Watching the football means I am missing all the other sport that’s on. I still am not sure which position Jenson Button is on the grid – and the F1 coverage has started on the other side. Nor, by watching the football, am I keeping up to date with the domestic cricket scene. I stop writing reasons for a minute. I also stop watching the football. I check cricket scores on my iPhone. I look around. My girlfriend is looking at me. I realise I am not doing much in the way of multitasking. Clive gets excited. I turn back to the screen. Nothing is happening. I have fifteen minutes to think of a final reason.

7. The Girlfriend (Part C). I am struggling to think of a seventh. My girlfriend asks me how I am getting on. I say, ‘Darling, I am struggling to think of a seventh’. She replies, ‘Well if you manage to think of a seventh I know that you can multitask. So next time the football is on you can peel some potatoes too.’ I am conflicted. She has just given me the seventh reason I shouldn’t have written this while the football was on. I have done it. I have proved men can multitask. But I have also proved why men shouldn’t multitask. Clive gets excited. It’s full-time. Ghana have won. And so has The Girlfriend.

June 14, 2010