7 Reasons

Tag: theft

  • 7 Reasons To Carry A Laundry Basket At All Times

    7 Reasons To Carry A Laundry Basket At All Times

    Hello 7 Reasons readers, it’s Marc here, and I have news!  Now you might find it hard to contain your excitement when you read this, but I’ve bought a new laundry basket!  Now, I have to admit that this is something I wouldn’t usually share with 7 Reasons readers, but the purchase of the laundry basket (pictured below this paragraph) set in motion a chain of events that led me to realise that life would be immeasurably improved for people that carried a laundry basket around with them at all times.  Here’s why.

     

    Yes, it's a laundry basket!

     

    1.  Wear It As A Hat.  “I’m not sure I’ve thought this purchase through,” I found myself saying as I was leaving my local laundry basket emporium, “I’m going to be lumbered with this thing for the evening now”.  “Well, if it rains, you can always wear it as a hat,” said the woman at the checkout, helpfully.  She’s right, I thought as I strolled out of the store.  Throughout human history, the fundaments of our very existence have been food, reproduction (of which more later) and shelter.  Now you can’t eat your laundry basket, and you can’t mate with it (and certainly not in the car park), but if you’ve a laundry basket with you, much in the manner of a snail with its shell, you are assured of shelter in all circumstances.  You can wear it as a hat in moderate weather, and in extremis you can climb inside and fasten the lid.  With your laundry basket you will be inured from the effects of wind, rain, sun, snow, hail; in fact, most of the elements except for lead.

    2.  Financial Gain.  Arriving at the supermarket (forward planning is really not my thing), I picked up a shopping basket and, with a basket in each hand now, I set off to gather my goods.  As I walked round the store, I soon found that I was being followed by a security guard who became quite agitated when I entered the spirits aisle.  Then I realised something.  A laundry basket would be a great thing to fill with goods, but is too conspicuous by half to be used for the purpose of theft.  Then, I had an idea:  For six months, I could take my laundry basket wherever I went.  Everyone would notice this so in very little time, the entire city would come to know me as Laundry Basket Man: the harmless eccentric that carries with him, as his constant companion, his empty laundry basket.  And then, once this reputation had been earned, I could begin to shoplift with it.  After six months carrying an empty laundry basket around, who would suspect me?  Or you?

    3.  It Makes People Feel Good.  Having devised a fiscal plan for my future, I arrived at the checkout.  As I queued, the couple in front of me kept looking back, then whispering between themselves and giggling.  They paid for their goods and left, and then it was my turn.  As I put the laundry basket down, the girl at the checkout glared at it as if I’d just placed a leprechaun in front of her, or a turquoise baboon.  Realising that this was something that she had not been expecting to face and that I had taken her somewhere out of her comfort zone, I knew that I needed to say something, preferably something witty, to diffuse the situation.  I thought hard while the girl continued to stare at the basket.  After several seconds, the silence was weighing heavy and the situation was becoming uncomfortable, I needed to say something – anything – as soon as possible.  What to say?  What to say?  Ah, got it! “I’ve brought my laundry basket out with me,” I stated, matter-of-factly.  The girl stopped glaring at the laundry basket and, with an expression of pure contempt, turned to glare at me.  As I paid for my goods and sloped out of the supermarket, I realised something.  I realised that many insecure people feel better about their own life when they have someone to look down on (this is why bullying happens) and, that if you were to carry a laundry basket about, you’d be performing a valuable public service.  You’d be making people feel good about themselves.

    4.  It’s Distracting.  It was half past six.  As I strode along the pavement past roads full of gridlocked traffic, I could sense that everyone, in every car, bus and van, was staring at the laundry basket.  I realised that this could be a useful thing.  Have you ever had a spot?  Have you ever had a bad hair day?  Perhaps you have a spot so well established that it’s having a bad hair day of its own?  Well, worry no more.  When you carry a laundry basket around, no one will notice.  You’ll never need to do your hair again or iron your trousers – you’ll even be able to wear purple – as all eyes will be on the basket.

    5.  It’s A Talking Point.  I arrived at the pub*.  Taking a seat at the bar, I placed my laundry basket down beside me.  Now you might think that a laundry basket at a bar would be a similar thing to the elephant in the room, but you’d be wrong.  The elephant was larger, greyer and no one was talking about him.  He seemed a bit piqued.  The laundry basket, however, was on everyone’s lips.  If you want to hear references to Ali Baba, snake charming, washing machines, midget-smuggling, The Wicker Man etcetera, etcetera, et bloody cetera, carry a laundry basket with you.  There’s never an uncomfortable silence when you have a laundry basket.  Or any silence.

    6.  Reproduction.  Something else occurred to me while I was in the pub:  I’m married, but I know that for single people, meeting prospective partners is difficult.  As the father of a small child though, I know how to break the ice and meet people and, should anyone have a penchant for crazed women over the age of forty-seven, I would advise that they carry a small baby around with them.  They will meet absolutely everyone’s batty aunt (whether they want to or not), and sometimes a whole mob of them.  But perhaps your tastes are different?  You might want to meet younger people of the opposite sex?  People of the same sex?  Perhaps you’re a Justin Bieber fan who wants to meet people of indeterminate sex?  When you carry a laundry basket, you’ll get to meet – and talk to – absolutely bloody everyone, so your chances of finding a partner are significantly increased.  Your chances of murdering the ninety-fourth person that asks if they can see your snake are quite high too, but for the patient and tolerant, a laundry basket is a shortcut to sexual success.

    7.  Keep Track.  Finally, after as many conversations about Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves as any man could bear, I headed home to surprise my wife with the laundry basket**.  Having negotiated the front door I strode into the house, stepped into the living room, placed my surprise on the floor and, with a quiver of excitement in my voice announced, “Look darling!  I’ve bought…a laundry basket.”  “I know,” she replied.  “How?” I enquired, disbelievingly.  “I’ve had texts”.  She showed me her phone.  She certainly had received texts.  Texts that said: “I’ve just seen your husband walking down the street with a laundry basket”.  Texts that said: “Ooh, I like your new laundry basket.”  Texts that said: “Just seen Marc in the pub with a laundry basket”.  It turns out that all of York was abuzz with talk of the laundry basket.  So, if you’re a bit forgetful or prone to getting lost, carrying a laundry basket will ensure that your other half will receive a detailed up to the minute report of your every movement from her network of spies friends.  You’ll also: have a permanent shelter; be better off financially; bring joy to others; never have to worry about your appearance; never be lost for conversation, and – if single – you’ll be more sexually successful.  The next time you go out, don’t forget your laundry basket.

     

    *A laundry basket is not the strangest thing that one of the 7 Reasons team has taken to a pub.

    **Yes, our life really is this dull.

     

  • 7 Reasons to Keep the Traditional Police Helmet

    7 Reasons to Keep the Traditional Police Helmet

    1.  Pregnancy.  In the U.K., a pregnant woman can legally urinate wherever she likes.  She can even, if she requests to, urinate in a policeman’s helmet.  I’m not sure that it’s a practical receptacle for urine – the ventilation holes in the side would prove a particular problem – but it’s surely a desirable thing to pee in.  Who among us wouldn’t want to have a go at that?

    2.  Theft.  Stealing a traditional policeman’s helmet is a part of British popular culture.  P.G.Woodhouse’s most famous creation, Bertie Wooster, was fined £5 for stealing a policeman’s helmet on Boat Race night.  It’s not just a sport for fictional toffs though.  Drunkenly trying to steal a policeman’s helmet is a pastime which is practiced by all classes.  The correct method for removing one is to knock it forward from behind, thus obviating the efficacy of the chin-strap, before running very quickly (we imagine).

    3.  Height.  The traditional police helmet is hard and is approximately 30cm tall.  In theory, it could be used by a policeman to stand on to look over a wall or through a high window.  I don’t know what they’d see, but it could be important.

    4.  Food. The traditional police helmet is sometimes used by policemen to store their fish and chips.  It keeps them warm until they arrive back at the station for their break, and stops them from seeming as lardy and food-obsessed as their American counterparts.  The vinegary scent which emanates from within the helmet often confuses passers-by.

    5.  Visibility.  It is important that the police are a visible presence on the streets to enforce law and order.  This is why they wear those retina-burningly bright high-visibility jackets.  You can’t see those on a crowded street though as they, and their wearers, are obscured by the throng.  You can, however, see the traditional police helmet as it protrudes from the body of a crowd.  You can see it as a reassuring beacon radiating order, or you can imagine it as a shark’s fin portending danger – humming the Jaws theme is optional.  The one thing you can’t do is miss it.

    6.  Protection. Unlike the more modern police cap, the traditional police helmet is hard and will actually protect a policeman from a blow to the head which, as they deal with the sort of people that might possibly hit them over the head – criminals and the like – would seem to be a desirable feature.  It also protects bald policemen from the effects of the sun, and from the taunts of teenage boys, for whom baldness is more amusing than almost anything.

    7.  Tradition.  Not all traditions are good.  Throwing goats from church towers or having to pull crackers while your Christmas dinner goes cold are particularly pointless and cruel traditions.  The traditional policeman’s helmet, however, is an example of a good tradition.  The traditional police helmet is redolent of Dixon of Dock Green, of Bobbies on the beat, of the nice copper who gave you boiled sweets and reunited you with your parents when you were six years old and lost in Coventry city centre.  It brings to mind the avuncular face of policing.  Traditionally, the sort of chap that you would ask for directions or the time wore a police helmet.  Would you ask a copper in a modern police cap the way to the train station?  You’d probably think twice.  He might pepper-spray you and give you an ASBO or a fixed-penalty-notice for wasting police time or loitering.  A modern police cap signifies that its wearer is a policeman or woman; a traditional police helmet bestows upon its wearer the dignity and gravitas of a fine and noble institution.