7 Reasons

Tag: taxis

  • 7 Reasons To Let A Bull Loose In The City

    7 Reasons To Let A Bull Loose In The City

    Those of you who watch the news may well have seen that a bull ran amok in the Brazilian town of Sao Jose do Rio Preto last Friday. Eventually it got stuck in a clothes shop and was recaptured by a man with a bit of rope. While on this occasion the bull caused damage and forced a shop worker to hide in a toilet, a bull loose in the city isn’t always a bad thing. In fact it could be very effective. Here’s why:

    7 Reasons To Let A Bull Loose In The City

    1.  Slow People. It staggers me the amount of people who walk around at a snails pace. Are these people so out of touch that they don’t know there is a massive Facebook campaign encouraging slow moving people to be punched in the back of the head? Obviously, no one has done this as it would be seen as GBH. Letting a bull loose in the city though is a highly legitimate method of making these people get a shift on.

    2.  Cheap Demolition. There are always areas of cities that could do with a lick of paint. And there are areas of cities – or, in the case of Bradford, whole cities – that should just be knocked down so something vaguely attractive can be built instead. Bringing in a demolition team is expensive. Bringing in a bull is cheap. And, given the fact that it won’t stop for tea every five minutes, a damn sight quicker.

    3.  China. Tired of idioms that may or may not be factually accurate? I know I am. I am particularly tired of the idiom, ‘he’s like a bull in a china shop’. I have never seen a bull in a china shop. Are we absolutely sure he is going to cause carnage as opposed, to say, purchasing a tea set? Does a bull even like china shops? Letting a bull loose in the city will confirm or destroy this idiom forever.

    4.  Muppets. From idioms to idiots. This might be news to you as much as it was to me yesterday when I was doing my 7 Reasons research. Each year in the Spanish city of Pamplona, as part of the San Fermin festival, bulls are let free to run through the city. And if you don’t think that’s odd, wait until I tell you that men try and out run them. Men try and out run them. Exactly, ridiculous. Take a look at this:

    So, I propose that by letting a handful of bulls loose in the city the idiots among us will be routed out. These people are more dangerous than the bulls.

    5. Curfew. Last week I went to a pub where I saw a man with an ankle tag. Apart from immediately knowing I was in the wrong pub, I questioned whether he should be at home in bed. It was gone 7pm after all. The response he gave me wasn’t one I can share with you, but let’s just say he didn’t leave right then and there. It would have been different if I had been a bull. Or I had a bull with me. Or, even better, I wasn’t there at all but the bull was. A bull would police curfews without any issues whatsoever. In this case the Police would turn up, question as to why this man used a bull to remove his ankle tag and send him back to prison. The place where he should have been all along. His reckless snapping of my skateboard was bang out of order.

    6.  Chuggers. I want them gone. The lot of them.

    7.  Advertising. I am a little bit surprised they haven’t thought of this already, but this is probably the greatest idea Red Bull have never had. The Red Bull Lottery. This is how it works. Forty-nine bulls are spray-painted in the Red Bull colours and then each given a number. They are dropped off on one side of the city and encouraged to rampage to a big net on the other. The first six Red Bulls that reach the net form the Red Bull Lottery numbers. The winner of the lottery will be given the other forty-three bulls. Once he/she has found them. Genius.

  • 7 Reasons That Urban Cycling Is Tricky

    7 Reasons That Urban Cycling Is Tricky

    Cycling in an urban environment is not always an unmitigated joy, mostly due to people.  In fact, it can often be downright terrifying, frustrating and occasionally embarrassing.  Here’s why (with pictures):

    1.  Pedestrians.  The moment that they sense the road is free of motor vehicles, pedestrians will swarm onto it from all directions without looking.  There is no discernible pattern to their movement, which is wholly impossible to predict.  If you have a bell fitted to your bicycle, you can sound this as you approach.  This won’t cause pedestrians to move out of your way, but they will at least look at you as you plough into them.  The movement of pedestrians in cycle lanes is easier to predict.  They won’t move out of the way at all, as they are apparently mesmerised by all of the pretty pictures of bicycles they can see there.

    2.  Pedals. No serious cyclist uses standard pedals and you’ll find that anyone with a remote interest in cycling is attached to their pedals, either by clips, or using a clip-less system.  This is lovely for generating a lot of power, but an absolute nightmare when maneuvering in dense traffic, where cyclists often need to put their feet down.  This is why you often find the riders of cooler, more expensive bikes laying in the road at traffic lights, having come to a standstill and forgotten to extricate themselves from their pedals, which causes them to fall over (it always seems to happen in slow-motion).  Well, either they’ve forgotten, or they’ve had some sort of equipment malfunction.  In my experience, the larger the audience, the more likely you are to have that malfunction.

    3.  Distraction. There are many distractions that endanger the urban cyclist: girls in summer clothing, other bicycles, local landmarks and, as I discovered on Monday, shop windows.  So distracted was I by my own reflection in a window that I cruised slowly into the back of a car which had come to a halt in front of me, causing many people on a bus to laugh.  It was very undignified.

    4.  Temptation. There are many temptations in an urban environment and it’s easy to succumb to them.  While no one would dream of having a few beers and getting behind the wheel of a car, it is perfectly acceptable to have a few beers and then push your bicycle home.  But pushing your bicycle is boring and dull and, when you find yourself alone, away from traffic and pedestrians on a deserted riverside cycle path, for example, it’s tempting to ride for a bit.  This is a mistake, as you will soon realise when you find yourself wobbling outrageously and unable to steer in the direction that you are vaguely aware that you should be heading in.  You will feel a growing sense of anxiety as you lurch between heading toward the river, and heading ever-so-slightly less toward the river.  In your efforts to avoid the river, you may find that actually ride round in circles.  A dry crash counts as a win in this situation.

    5.  Cars. Cars are the major hazard to urban cyclists, chiefly because there are so many of them.  They do many, many stupid things, but perhaps the most irritating thing they do is to straddle the cycle lane while waiting to pull out, thus halting all cyclists who could otherwise have continued along the road.  Having pedalled hard to build up momentum only to be halted due to inconsiderate behaviour is infuriating.  As you approach them, all of your shouting, waving and bell-ringing will be in vain as the driver will never, ever make eye contact with you, and they certainly aren’t going to back out of the way.  Many cyclists kick the cars of these idiots as they make their way around them.  If I attempted that, I would probably fall off (see reason 2).

    6.  Buses. Terrifying behemoths of the urban environment, buses strike fear into the heart of cyclists.  They pull out without any warning and, despite being slower than most bicycles on tight, twisty roads, they will always try to overtake anyway.  If you want to see what the face of a terrified and angry cyclist looks like when squashed up against a window, you should sit in a seat on the left hand side of a bus, somewhere near the centre.

    7.  Taxis. The bette noir of the urban cyclist, the pedestrian, other road users; in fact, all right thinking people.  Trying to avoid taxis in an urban environment is challenging indeed.  They’re apparently exempt from all of the laws of the road and can seemingly park anywhere, travel at any speed, in any direction, are not obliged to signal and their drivers don’t even need two hands on the wheel.  Or even one.   Who knows where a taxi will turn up next, or in which direction it may be travelling?  Your bike could be struck by a taxi at any moment, even if it’s on the roof-rack of your car or stored in your garden shed.  The bloody things pop-up everywhere.  They’re a menace.

    So, in conclusion, urban cycling is dangerous beyond belief, mostly because all road users – drivers, cyclists and pedestrians alike – are idiots.  In fact, all people are idiots, and the further you are from them, the safer you will be.  Unless you’re a taxi driver of course, in which case you’re probably immortal.