7 Reasons

Tag: Superman

  • 7 Reasons To Be A Birdman

    7 Reasons To Be A Birdman

    The other month, Worthing did something that it had never done before. It appealed to me. Or, to be more precise, the Worthing International Birdman Competition appealed to me. Lots of muppets chucking themselves off Worthing pier. Brilliant. I doubt they needed persuading, but if you have ever considered being a Birdman, here are seven compelling reasons why you should definitely do it.

    7 Reasons To Be A Birdman

    1.  The Horn. We’re all a little bit kinky at heart. We probably won’t admit it – which is why I’m admitting it on your behalf – but the idea of spandex and lycra is not all too alien to us. Opportunities to wear such attire rarely show themselves however, which is why being a Birdman is the perfect excuse. You could be Superman or Bananaman or Robin or a Dominatrix. You get a cheap thrill and no one bats an eye lid. Perfect.

    2.  Funding. If you went up to your friends and said, “I’m dressing up as Peter Pan, can I have a fiver?” you’d probably get laughed out of the room. Well, pushed anyway. Saying that you’re doing if for charity though and they’ll be far quicker to the cash point. Of course you’re not going to give it to charity, you’re just funding your unemployment habit.

    3.  Cred. R Kelly’s masterpiece I Believe I Can Fly is often cited as being thoroughly whimsical. No one really believes they can fly. Not even me after half a Peroni. Being a Birdman, though, gives this song new credibility. So, if you don’t want to be a Birdman so you can throw yourself off a pier, do it for Robert Sylvester.

    4.  Impress. Why was Superman so popular with the ladies? It wasn’t his glasses. Or his ability to stalk Lois Lane. It was because he could fly. And perhaps because he could protect you against just about anything that wasn’t within close proximity of a green, shiny rock. Mainly though, it was because he could fly. So, if there is someone out there you want to impress – and your 1995 Premier League Sticker Album is failing to do the magic – be a Birdman. (As for why Superman was so popular with the men. Well that comes down to Teri Hatcher. Superman managed to marry her, James Bond managed to get her killed. Muppet.).

    5.  Punishment. Maybe you’ve let yourself down. Perhaps you dropped a catch. Perhaps you shouted at your Mum. If you are not a Roman Catholic you gave not ask for forgiveness, so go and be a Birdman. A poor Birdman though. It is your duty to simply belly flop off the pier. That is your comeuppance. And if it doesn’t hurt, do it again. And again. And again. Only when you have tears in your eyes and at least one broken rib can you stop.

    6.  Film. There is little debate that Birdman Of Alcatraz is a good film, but, let’s be honest, while it contained a lot of stuff about sparrows, there was very little of Burt Lancaster disguising himself as a sparrow and trying to escape. I know it was based on a true story, but had John Frankenheimer never heard of artistic license? Should you prove yourself to be a good Birdman there is a very real possibility that you might find yourself cast alongside Simon Bird, Russell Crowe and Ethan Hawke in Birdman Of Alcatraz 2: Feathered Creatures.

    7.  Men Can Be Birds Too. I once knew a bloke called Kieran. I say ‘once knew’ because I don’t know him anymore. Sadly, he’s no longer with us. It’s okay, he’s not dead. He’s now a woman called Cynthia. Now, changing sex is not my kind of thing, but it’s what he/she wanted to do and I can only commend him/her on his/her decision to go through with it. I only wish that there had been a Birdman competition while he was contemplating the procedure. That way he could have experienced being a bird without the great expense. Still, he’s got boobs to play with now so I expect she’s happy.

  • Guest Post: 7 Reasons I am Better Than You

    Guest Post: 7 Reasons I am Better Than You

    Hi there, it’s Saturday, so here’s a guest post.  Curling up on the 7 Reasons sofa today is Horatio Pyewackett Caractacus Fearns who – when he wakes up – wants to explain why he’s better than you.  And us, probably.

    My cat in the garden. He's better than your cat.

    1.  Fur.  Ever tried to wear fur?  No, of course you haven’t you timorous numpty, you timid wretch, you cowardy, cowardy custard.  Because you’re fearful.  You’re afraid of PETA.  You think that if you don a fur coat you’ll be attacked by a mob of militant lefties who object to your sartorial decisions.  But I’m not scared, PETA aren’t going to object to me wearing fur, because I’m better than you; wearing fur is my birthright, and I wear it as if to the manor born, without fear of reproachment.  Because I’m awesome! Because I’m a cat!

    2.  Benevolence.  I’m kind to my minions.  Very kind.  And I’m uber-agile, in fact, I can bend over backwards and lick my own bottom.  But you can’t.  You have to scrape bits from trees and roll them up into a ball in order to clean your own fetid arses.  This is because you’re pathetic and incapable of washing yourself properly.  But I’m not, I’m wondrous and supple and can cleanse my own ring with my tongue.  Which, let’s face it, saves you a job, so I’m benevolent too.

    3.  Competition.  So who’s the most awesome human that there is?  That’s right, Superman.  He can leap twenty times his own height; he can hear things that are going on miles away and he can’t be snuck up on while he’s sleeping.  Well, me too.  Superman, however, can be defeated by kryptonite.  But I can’t, I can do all of those things with no fear of kryptonite or of looking like a dweeb at the fortress of solitude.  Because I’m magnificent, and because I’m still rocking my fur coat while Superman’s attired in a thin, shiny number with his pants outside outside his lycra leggings.  He looks like the world’s worst-dressed cyclist ever, and I just look amazing.  Look at ME!

    4.  Night.  You blundering dunderheads can’t even see in the dark.  Want to know how many times I’ve fallen over a human when the lights are off?  None.  When oversized, underbalanced simpletons like you wander around without burning electricity, however, you’re endlessly falling over me (especially the tall one with the ginger beard).   Because I’m abso-fucking-beauteously wonderful, and because I like to hang around in the hallway.  To mock you.  Because I can.

    5.  Temperature.  You mewling, simpering feckless nonentities can’t even regulate your own body temperatures, but I can; I’m the master of my own temperature.   The nearest you feeble people come to accomplishing that is the human inhabitants of the North-East of England:  Geordies.  But they lack my sonorous voice and natural grace.  Also, despite their bravura, many of them die of hypothermia on their way home in the winter.  But I haven’t.  Ever.  It would be a waste of one of my nine lives (eight better than you) if I were to do so, and I’m not prepared to do it.

    6.  Size Is Important.  Just look at the size of yourself, you lumbering bioped.  Look at the amount of space that your unwieldy, bloated, overstuffed body takes up.  Where human designers prattle on about space efficiency as some sort of ideal, I live it.  I am space efficiency.  Because I take up less space than you.  I can curl up into a tiny-weeny ball.  Can you?  No.  Not at all.  But I can.  I’m fantastic.

    7.  Nature. I’m just naturally better than you.  I am.  When you poo, does anyone scurry around to scoop it up?  No, of course not.  You have to dispose of it yourself.  But when I shit, one of my underlings comes and disposes of it for me.  Every time.  Because I’m a cat, and they’re not.  In fact, everything revolves around me, abso-fucking-lutely-everything.  Dinner is served at the regular hour at which I require it.  Tradesmen come to repair the home in which I dwell and the humans who live here to serve me pay for it themselves.  And, when they’re not feeding me or opening doors for me, they even let me use them as chairs.  Would they do that for you?  No, of course not.  But they do it for me, because I’m better than you.

  • 7 Reasons To Become A Superhero

    7 Reasons To Become A Superhero

    7 Reasons To Be A Superhero

    1.  With Great Power Comes Great… I know it’s supposed to be, ‘With great power comes great responsibility’, but quite frankly they are missing the bloody obvious. With great power comes great power. Sometimes you get lucky and get even more than one. I.E.: Two. Anyway, the point is that I can have great responsibility by becoming a milkman. What becoming a milkman won’t give me is power. Especially in a milk float. So given the choice between becoming a milkman and becoming a superhero, I recommend the latter. Although if we all became superheroes, then we wouldn’t have any milkmen. I might have to come back to this later.

    2.  The Film. Providing you are a half-decent superhero – and this means you don’t die before you’ve named yourself – you’ll have a film made about you. It’ll also be named after you. Oh, and it will star you. And that’s only the beginning of it. Superhero films usually do very well at the box office. Think of all those royalties. And the costume styled pyjamas. And the action dolls. You’ll be a multi-millionaire before you know it.

    3.  The Cape. Capes look daft. I know they are supposedly the fashion these days, but the French wear them. That means they must be daft. Unless, that is, you are a superhero. I know what you are thinking, ‘What happens if you are a French superhero?’. Well that’s a bit like saying, ‘What happens if you cross an OXO cube with an idiot?’ The answer is the same. It’s an Oxymoron.

    4.  The Soundtrack. You would have your own personal one. A soundtrack that would accompany you on all missions. You wouldn’t even need a sound system. The soundtrack is just there. Floating about. Ready to be turned up to loud as soon as you do something good.

    5.  The Girl. She’s generally the one next door. You’ve probably seen her. No, not her. She lives on the left. It’s the house on the right you want. Yes. Her. As a superhero you will always win her. She’ll probably think you’re a bit weird to begin with – probably something to do with you climbing up the drainpipe to her bedroom window – but you’ll get her in the end. Always. (Unless you are Batman. In which case you get Robin. Which is nice. I suppose).

    6.  Never ending wardrobe. All superheroes run down the road pulling their shirt apart to reveal their lycra superhero costume. They then go about their superhero business before returning home for the evening. At no point do you see them return to the original road to reclaim their shirt. Nor do you see them nipping down to Marks and Spencer. The only explanation is that they own a never ending wardrobe. Or their Mum lives with them. If your Mum doesn’t live with you, you are halfway there. Nice one.

    7.  The Fight. Superheroes never lose. Even if they have been strapped to the seabed. In a large microwave. With Jo Brand. It must be amazing to know you can get out of that mess unscathed. So amazing in fact that I am now calling myself Lee-man. He’s a bit like He-man, just with an L and an extra E instead of the H. Seems worth it to get away from Jo Brand.