7 Reasons

Tag: Socks

  • 7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Use The Washing Machine

    7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Use The Washing Machine

    Dangerous Washing Machine

    1.  Odd socks. Wearing odd socks is not really the done thing. It looks strange and makes people avoid you. The problem is that it’s really not your fault. If the washing machine understood that eating a sock is not part of the deal when you use the machine, then you could walk around like a normal person. That sounds like fun, doesn’t it?

    2.  Communication Destroyer. They are loud and clanky bits of  machinery are washing machines, so much so that you may struggle to hear the wife when she asks, ‘Have you seen the cat?’

    3.  Vision Depletor. It doesn’t take much, just a dodgy washing machine door and too much soap powder. Before you know it, the suds have built up to uncontainable levels, pushed the door open and filled the room with white floaty stuff. As fun as it is to play around in, it won’t be long before you’ve collided with the blender.

    4.  Back Injury Hazard. The majority of duvets are light. In weight I mean, not colour. Though some are light in weight and colour – which is to be applauded I suppose. But when you’ve stopped applauding, let’s get back to my point. Duvets are light. They can be tossed into the machine and one does not need to adhere to correct tossing procedures. However, upon washing machine cycle completion, something has happened. The once light duvet, is now heavy. Not only is it wet, it has also eaten everything else in the machine. To remove said duvet, one should adhere to heavy object lifting protocol. But does one? No one does not. Silliness.

    5.  DIY Fail. I am convinced the traditional washing machine is made out of parts of a space-shuttle. How else can you explain it’s complete disregard for gravity? When I switch my washing machine on, I expect it to stay next to the sink, not head off down the kitchen towards the oven. Nor do I expect it to chip away at the tiling on the way.

    6.  Administration Fail. I have a filing system for receipts. It’s called the back pocket of my jeans. Usually I find these much easier to read when they are dry. Not when they have been reduced to little bits of paper and apparently superglued to every other item of clothing I have just pulled from the machine.

    7.  Not Every Day Is Valentine’s Day. Presenting your girlfriend/wife with pink lingerie may be seen as a romantic gesture one day a year, but it gets a bit repetitive if it happens everytime you use the washing machine. The secret is to make sure there is no red sock in with the whites. Apparently.

  • 7 Reasons To Wear Socks With Sandals

    7 Reasons To Wear Socks With Sandals

    Socks With Sandals

    1.  Keep Your Feet Clean. A fairly obvious one, but assuming you aren’t walking about in your bath, your feet are going to get dirty if not covered by sock fabric. Dirty feet mean dirty sandals. Dirty sandals mean a dirty mind. Not always a good thing.

    2.  You Want To Be Left Alone. If you need some me time – and by that I don’t mean Jonathan Lee time (although I am flattered) – socks and sandals is the way to go. It’s even better than buying a shed and locking yourself in it. Have you ever seen a woman holding the hand of a man in socks and sandals? Have you ever seen children shout ‘Daddy’ to a man in socks and sandals? Have you ever seen a chugger approach a man in socks and sandals? The answer to all these questions is no. That’s the difference a sock can make.

    3.  You’re Wearing Speedos. And possibly a handkerchief on your head. If you are wearing Speedos and a handkerchief on your head, the only thing that is going to make people look below your knees are socks with sandals. Unless you are actually wearing Speedos on your head, in which case you should remove one sock and position it elsewhere. Immediately. Which come to think of it is another reason for wearing socks in the first place.

    4.  They’re Not Your Socks. It is a sad indictment of today’s beach holiday, but people do steal socks. You maybe one of the sad indictments. If you are, then firstly, shame on you. Secondly, let me give you a tip. Putting the socks on – beneath your sandals – and it will make it look like you own them. No one is going to accuse you of sock stealing if you are wearing them. Or going through the wallet you also picked up.

    5.  Hide Your Feet From Podophobes. Podophobes are people with a fear of feet – and I assume iPods, pea pods, podcasts and anything that comes out from underneath Thunderbird 2. People who have a fear of things usually react in one of two ways. The first is that they run away screaming. The second is that they attack. The problem is you have two feet. One may make the podophobe run away, the other may make them massacre it. Really you want it one way or the other. Hopping is very tiring.

    6.  Avoid Pedicurists. Pedicurists are those strange people who like holding other people’s feet between their thighs. You can never spot them though. They hide too well. Usually as normal human beings. However, come the summer and they are attracted to uncovered feet like moths to the flame. Go out without your socks and you’ll be defending the state of your feet all day. (And why you thought violet was a good nail polish colour).

    7.  You Have Reached Old Age. As soon as you get to this age, wearing socks and sandals becomes acceptable. I am not sure what this age is – probably because I haven’t reached it yet – but you’ll know because it’ll arrive at the same time as you feel the need to have the heating on all year round and decide that £2.50 is still enough for your grandchild to buy an Easter Egg.*

    *I do love my Grandparents, but seriously. I can’t even buy two Kinder Eggs for that.